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Elderly parents

The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

971 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/03/2023 09:21

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

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TheIoWfairy · 03/03/2023 16:30

Thanks to @MereDintofPandiculation .
Since my DF died a year ago, I'm finding that the challenge of dealing with DM is just that, challenging!
She is apparently in good health. She doesn't want or objectively require my support but, in reality, it's one thing after another!
I have 2 DBs but 1 is abroad and the other can't deal with DM so is very minimal contact, hence I'm the brunt of most of it.
I'm becoming a permanent feature on the Bad Daughters bench these days. I appreciate your expertise, advice and support. It's great to be part of Team Cockroach 🪳

Thanks

SheilaFentiman · 03/03/2023 23:31

<places cushions on the Bad Daughter bench>

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GordonBennett345 · 04/03/2023 16:04

We're awaiting a memory clinic appt for mum. She's very plausible and says she does all these things she hasn't done for months. Will they see through this? Also she hasn't showered or washed her hair for weeks. But insists she has. Any ideas? Am a lot newer to this than most on here. Respect and sympathy to you all.

Thanks

BestIsWest · 04/03/2023 17:09

DMs memory clinic appointment was more of a sort of IQ test than about what she could do.
They gave her an address to remember then asked her about dates, das of the week, prime ministers, she had to complete some drawings, perform calculations, lots of things like that. She also had a brain scan.

The more I think about it, I’m not sure it was an ideal way to diagnose her because I firmly believe she’s very dyslexic and dyspraxic. ( I have two dyslexic and dyspraxic DC).

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countrygirl99 · 04/03/2023 17:32

Myum had her first memory test over the phone with no one else present. We were unconvinced to say the least when she passed with flying colours. Convinced the GP to repeat with DB there. The first thing was giving her a phrase to remember which she wrote down. They asked her the time of day and she looked at ghe clock, time if year she looked at her paper. He took the props away and it she couldn't remember being given a phrase or even what year it was. Which showed she had good coping mechanisms but her memory was awful.

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tsmainsqueeze · 04/03/2023 17:42

MissMarplesNiece · 02/03/2023 12:52

I was very close to my DB and together we looked after DMs bungalow while we got it ready to put up for sale. He was a rock. But I took DM out for mothers day last year, he came with us and my DM was quite rude and unpleasant to him. He has since gone none contact with my mother and with me. I'm confused why he doesn't want anything to do with me - I defended him & had words with DM about her being so rude to him. I think (but don't have evidence cos he's just stopped any contact with me) it's because I still have contact with DM and I am therefore somehow "on her side".

I dearly miss DB.

Really sad , tell him how much you miss him ,i have a brother and it breaks my heart to think about falling out with him.

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Theskyoutsideisblue · 04/03/2023 17:52

Checking in. My mum is nearly 90 and lives 90 miles from me. I go every week for a day. Found out today my horrible sister last went before Christmas and she lives closer

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countrygirl99 · 04/03/2023 18:24

MIL has been in a care home about an hour away since last June. DH, his aunt and BIL2 all go most weeks. BIL1 has been to see her once. His adult DC who live 10-15 minutes away haven't been at all. My DS2 who doesn't live in the UK has been 4 times. BIL1 picks holes in anything DH and BIL2 do for MIL.

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Chevyimpala67 · 04/03/2023 18:28

Theskyoutsideisblue · 04/03/2023 17:52

Checking in. My mum is nearly 90 and lives 90 miles from me. I go every week for a day. Found out today my horrible sister last went before Christmas and she lives closer

My 2 siblings go once a week for 20 minutes
Brother usually does go
Sister doesnt turn up often
🤷‍♀️
They both live about a 5 minute walk away
Sister turns up when she wants money though

Thanks

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/03/2023 19:44

GordonBennett345 · 04/03/2023 16:04

We're awaiting a memory clinic appt for mum. She's very plausible and says she does all these things she hasn't done for months. Will they see through this? Also she hasn't showered or washed her hair for weeks. But insists she has. Any ideas? Am a lot newer to this than most on here. Respect and sympathy to you all.

What @BestIsWest describes sounds like the initial short screening test, sometimes done by a GP.The full memory clinic test is about 3 hours of IQ type tests. Which of the following shapes fits the pattern in the series?, join the labelled dots in order of numbers and letters 1 A 2 B 3 etc, if I say a word, answer me with an unconnected word (if I say “cup” don’t say “tea” or “saucer”), how many words beginning with “p” can you give me in 2 minutes, how many animals can you name in 2 minutes, how long a sequence of numbers can you repeat back to me accurately, and so on.

so nothing she tells them she can do will have any effect.

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GordonBennett345 · 04/03/2023 19:49

Thanks. Oh bless her, she'd find that really hard and exhausting. 3 hours!! My dad was diagnosed over the phone during the pandemic. Don't think either of the 2 phone calls was very long at all. Interesting.

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BestIsWest · 04/03/2023 20:26

DM had the initial test with a GP similar to what I described but then the memory clinic test included the questions I mentioned plus what @MereDintofPandiculation said (I remember she was amazing at naming the animals). It wasn’t 3 hours by any means though but because it was mid-pandemic the Doctor carried it out at home so perhaps it was made a bit shorter.

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Newmum738 · 04/03/2023 20:41

GordonBennett345 · 04/03/2023 16:04

We're awaiting a memory clinic appt for mum. She's very plausible and says she does all these things she hasn't done for months. Will they see through this? Also she hasn't showered or washed her hair for weeks. But insists she has. Any ideas? Am a lot newer to this than most on here. Respect and sympathy to you all.

@GordonBennett345 I went with my mum and they asked me if I supported what she was saying so I could explain a bit more about what's been going on.

Thanks

GordonBennett345 · 04/03/2023 20:42

Thanks

Thanks

Newmum738 · 04/03/2023 20:43

BestIsWest · 04/03/2023 20:26

DM had the initial test with a GP similar to what I described but then the memory clinic test included the questions I mentioned plus what @MereDintofPandiculation said (I remember she was amazing at naming the animals). It wasn’t 3 hours by any means though but because it was mid-pandemic the Doctor carried it out at home so perhaps it was made a bit shorter.

Ours wasn't 3 hours either. 1 hour at the most and a phone call tomorrow which I expect to be short. I'm feeling quite anxious to find out what they say!

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GordonBennett345 · 04/03/2023 20:54

Hope it's helpful, in some way, whatever it is.

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Newmum738 · 04/03/2023 20:57

GordonBennett345 · 04/03/2023 20:54

Hope it's helpful, in some way, whatever it is.

🤞🏼

Thanks

MereDintofPandiculation · 05/03/2023 09:19

It wasn’t quite three hours, it was certainly three hour long visits, but there was quite a bit of explaining the results afterwards.

OP posts:

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Newmum738 · 05/03/2023 10:01

This morning, my mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia. She's been told she has to stop driving pending an assessment and feels like her life is over. We need to figure out now what she can still do.

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lazymum99 · 05/03/2023 10:37

When my DM89 was in a&e in January one of the doctors gave her the basic tests: where are you, what day, time year etc. Then she asked what monarch was on the throne and my mum who had got most of the rest wrong immediately said Charles! The dr then said they had to stop asking who the prime minister was because we had recently had so many changes even healthy people got it wrong 😅

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BestIsWest · 05/03/2023 11:14

Mum got told at the end of the assessment that she had Alzheimer’s. There was nothing gentle about the way she was told and I found it quite shocking really. I guess there is no easy way to tell someone but Mum was already overwhelmed by the tests and didn’t really have a chance to take it in or ask questions before the doctor left. The only follow up has been visits from nurses to take her BP. I’ve had a few discussions with them about medication but I’ve never had the chance to talk to the doctor really.

I had thought they might repeat the tests at intervals to see if there is any deterioration but I guess that isn’t how it works.

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GordonBennett345 · 05/03/2023 11:23

@Newmum738 Ouch. Sympathies. We took mum's car away a week ago, as we couldn't wait for the diagnosis (waiting for memory clinic appt). We've been ferrying her to see dad this week but have a carer going in daily from tmrw to book taxis. Hopefully will also get her used to someone going in as she gets to need more help. Fingers crossed it works out. Good luck.

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Newmum738 · 05/03/2023 11:30

lazymum99 · 05/03/2023 10:37

When my DM89 was in a&e in January one of the doctors gave her the basic tests: where are you, what day, time year etc. Then she asked what monarch was on the throne and my mum who had got most of the rest wrong immediately said Charles! The dr then said they had to stop asking who the prime minister was because we had recently had so many changes even healthy people got it wrong 😅

😂

Thanks

Newmum738 · 05/03/2023 11:31

BestIsWest · 05/03/2023 11:14

Mum got told at the end of the assessment that she had Alzheimer’s. There was nothing gentle about the way she was told and I found it quite shocking really. I guess there is no easy way to tell someone but Mum was already overwhelmed by the tests and didn’t really have a chance to take it in or ask questions before the doctor left. The only follow up has been visits from nurses to take her BP. I’ve had a few discussions with them about medication but I’ve never had the chance to talk to the doctor really.

I had thought they might repeat the tests at intervals to see if there is any deterioration but I guess that isn’t how it works.

At the last appointment, my mum was told they didn't have to take her license off her and totally different story today 🤷‍♀️

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GordonBennett345 · 05/03/2023 12:13

In a phone call with memory service I was told thousands of people are driving around with dementia" and that, as mum only ever did the same short trip, was parking OK and not getting scratches on her car, she was probably OK to drive. Soon after that we spotted 2 significant scratches/damaged areas on the car and felt we had to act.

Thanks

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