The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

What oh dear. Do they know how the fall happened? It's hard work getting hospital info when you're standing right there!
Re care homes, there is a place in a home we know we don't like. This is paying privately.

I had a sleep this afternoon and mum managed to wash up the lunch things using one hand. So okay, maybe she can manage.

I'm going to be gone for about 6 hours in the day tomorrow - any more decisions will go from there. Key safe finally being fitted - much against her wishes but she has realised now that if I had to deal with the ambulance people breaking the door down as well, that would be dreadful.

It's funny because there's a strong feeling of love - I want to care for mum in a way but I'm not used to looking after someone all day, it's like having the child I never wanted. And when you have no idea when you are looking at 5 years or 5 mins...

News today of a 40 something professional contact who died suddenly from meningitis. She last messaged me on Friday. Makes you think how important it is to enjoy life - I mean, I do know that but it's just a reminder.

How tough is your sister prepared to get with your mum? Because respite care is for the carers of the family, more than for the person themselves.

What made your mum cry about carer suggestion from your nephew?

MissMarple I was a bit confused by some of your updates
but FWIW mum also cried when we said respite care.

but it's for me, not her.

When mum's care package started she was furious with me and the only way I could get her to agree to having them was to pay half. Because "she didn't need them and they were to make my life easier, not hers!"

Oh right
My sister offered to pay, your remark has just made me realise how incredibly kind that was.

It had to get to crisis point for us each time.

First they had to get carers in (and a bed downstairs) otherwise they wouldn't discharge dad from hospital last year. He only agreed to respite care because my mum was in and out of hospital and he can't be left alone for more than an hour.

My mum is not incapable she's just very needy. And it's very wearing on everybody around her.

For example, she got up yesterday at 6am, went & made herself a cup of tea. A couple of hours later she was at the top of the stairs, shouting because no one had made her a cup of tea and taken it up to her room. My nephew lost his patience with her, told her he couldn't run round all day after her & she needed carers to go in & look after her.

She was then on the phone sobbing to me. What I find really difficult though is not her crying about an argument (arguments are upsetting) but the way her attention then swaps to her sobbing about me being the only person who can make her happy, how I'm the only person she wants to be with, when she's not with me she wants to be dead. Then pleading with me to make sure I go round later. When I do go round it's the same conversation, then pleading & crying with me not to go home.

I know Im being very selfish, but I can't cope with it. I am not well myself, am in pain from some cancer treatment I had, am struggling with newly diagnosed insulin dependent diabetes, am under psychiatric treatment. Im just so very, very tired. Yesterday after her call had ended I had to go and throw up - I still feel sick today but I have to take her for a blood test appointment this afternoon.

MissMarple
you are not being selfish. She is.
will someone dare to tell her that do you think? Honestly I think it’s never too late. She’s capable of making her own tea clearly.

what about you, who is helping you? Xx

Also, can she go in a taxi for her blood test? Local cabbies are usually great, when I had my back fracture they were even okay to be my named person collecting me

Many people have told her she is being selfish - she just sobs. No one is looking after me - I don't like to bother people. I don't want people to think about me like they do about DM.

I was listening to Woman' Hour this morning and there was a person on talking about her narcissistic mother. It made me cry. I just recognised so much.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I've been toying all morning with blocking her on my phone, but that seems so mean.

MissMarple how physically capable is she? I know someone who left her mum alone for three days before she would agree to go into care. It sounds awful but she was able to go to the bathroom alone and meals were left for her to heat up. It made her realise the only way she’d have people running around after her was to go in a care home.

obviously if there was an emergency, my friend would have gone.

in terms of your health, I know sometimes it’s easier to deal with stuff alone but in most places I’ve lived, people have helped each other with shopping and even company. I was off sick for ages with a mystery virus and a couple of neighbours weren’t even fussed about catching it and just came by and hung out after work. In your case, nothing contagious even applies. If I was your neighbour, I’d happily come by if you just wanted company.

I might not do it for a male neighbour tbh.

just a thought - any local churches who would keep your mum company? They used to help my elderly atheist neighbour with stuff and just give her tea and a chat.

im really sorry if none of these suggestions have been helpful. I know it’s annoying when people say stuff that can’t work but often people don’t think of church so I thought it worth mentioning.

Her physical incapacity is that she doesn't walk well. She has terrible balance. 3 times she's been given walking frames by OTs and she refuses to use them. Instead she totters along on her walking stick. She was assessed by a physio about a month ago who said she had very good upper body strength, although she is quite bent up - that's what throws her off balance.

Fwiw, my DB is no contact with her. He blames her for his mental health problems.

There is a church about 20 yards along the road from where she lives. When she moved in with DSis someone from the church came to the house & said they'd seen she'd moved in and would she like to go to their lunch club. She refused.

I feel more sympathy with your DSis for snapping at her with your every post - sounds like your DM is doing nothing to reduce the burden on DSis

I’ve nothing sensible to contribute here @MissMarplesNiece as I’m in the middle of wrangling my own mother today, although nothing like on the scale you are managing. But sending virtual hugs/tea/flowers/gin.

I feel incredibly worried about my DSis and support her all I can, I don't know how else to help her.

I would tell your sister it’s ok for her to say she doesn’t want to do it anymore and to work with her towards some kind of sheltered housing solution. It sounds like it’s impacting all her family, not just your DSis. And then stand shoulder to shoulder with her to tell your mum and to weather the emotional storm.

With the crying and sobbing, the grey rock technique gets mentioned a lot elsewhere on MN and I’ve used it with success on overly dramatic people. It’s tricky to detach the emotions but if you can do it is as much a tool for your mental health as it is to stop a situation getting more heated. Another tip I read was when in the middle of a storm, take yourself out of the situation and observe it like some kind of nature program, bonus points if you can silently narrate in your head in a David Attenborough voice “and there goes Nancy again, watch how she turns on the tears as her daughter tries to leave”.

Agree with @funnelfan

your Mum is far from acceptance, she’s not going to turn around and feel different one day. Ultimately you and your sister need to unite on this and let your mum
know

@MotherOfCatBoy just wanted to say hello and that I empathise with your post and situation (as do a lot of people on here I think!). My parents can be very stubborn and I have had to have some tough conversations recently and it's hard because I don't want to upset them as you just never know when you are going to get 'that call' and I'd hate our last words to be cross ones. We're 2 years behind doing it but finally their house is now on the market and they've agreed to a gardener and cleaner. They are also hoarders and have sheds/outbuildings full of stuff! (Just in case....) House is starting to fall apart so I'm just hoping it will be sold by the end of this year. They are talking about another house but by then hopefully will have come round to a flat/assisted living situation. It's very hard and frustrating. I hope your parents can agree to some kind of help to make things easier for you (and them ultimately!).

Another tip I read was when in the middle of a storm, take yourself out of the situation and observe it like some kind of nature program, bonus points if you can silently narrate in your head in a David Attenborough voice “and there goes Nancy again, watch how she turns on the tears as her daughter tries to leave”. That’s what I mean when I say “act as if you are observing a lab rat”. But a bit kinder

Well, professionals are still insisting my mum is fine. She spent Sunday telling me every 10 minutes that my dad is a 2 faced lying bastard and how DARE the GP have her written down as my dad's carer when she most definitely IS NOT

Some concern as my dad mentioned in passing that he'd fallen over at least 3 times and mysteriously cut the back of his neck badly on a plate???!!!! Some speculation about did it fall on him or was it thrown at him... He's not admitting to anything as we are NOT putting him in a home.

Exhausting as usual. My sister decides to visit from the other side of the world, they claim to not recognise her, didn't know she has a daughter (age 15!) and my mum tells her to f off after 1/2 an hour.

Thanks @Catcactus
Today we celebrated Dad’s 95th birthday with DH and DS - we drove him « up the mountain » (common land here in S Wales) where he used to run for marathon training years ago and you can see for miles. He hasn’t been there for ages. We took cake and tea and he had a good look around and was amazed at all the wind turbines that have sprouted on the hills (different planning in Wales, we have loads of them, I like to see them turning, they look graceful). That was lovely.
Before that I had a v stressful hour in Barclays with Mum. Long day. We’re on holiday now but when we get back I’ll be sorting out online banking and finding a cleaner.

@MissMarplesNiece I think you are being too nice. You need to look after yourself. Team up with DSis and get something more practical in place for DM - she is never going to arrange things for your benefit. You have to prioritise yourself because she will not.

funnel advice to MissMarple sounds really good.

left mum alone for 6 hours. She was okay. She's going on a new medication tomorrow so we'll see how that goes but a friend of mine is coming to her place at the weekend and I think if she's at the stage of recovery where she can cope with my friends being here, that's a good sign.

i am not sure how many TIAs you can have before there's a lot more damage though. Overworrying again I guess.

Actually, the doctors can see damage on scans so maybe they aren't TIAs but silent strokes.

Nan has been moaning about me and my sister to the carer. I went round at lunchtime and then she was moaning about the carer to me!!! Basically Nan said she would never have left her own mum alone like we leave her alone...(we go to see her every day between us plus she has one of 2 carers every morning). She is pissed off that the carer has cleaned her kitchen- she said she never asked her to. So all in all, it's all been a joy seeing her today!!!

LOL! I hope you were able to laugh!