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Elderly parents
Original poster

The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

971 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/03/2023 09:21

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

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Nodancingshoes · 16/07/2023 14:47

Well if you didn't laugh you'd cry wouldn't you...😉😉
Popped in today and after some initially moaning, she was actually OK! I keep switching between thinking she is dying to thinking she has another 2 years in her yet...
She now has district nurses calling in twice a week to check her legs and pressure sores. These now seem to be the only things wrong with her except for, well, being 98 years old.

BestIsWest · 16/07/2023 14:51

@MotherOfCatBoy I can see the wind turbines ‘up the mountain’ from my front window. Probably not the same mountain, we do have a few here!

3 years yesterday since DF died so I took DM to the cemetery with flowers. She’s been good recently but has a nasty sore on her thigh which despite anti bs and creams is not going so it’s another call to the doc tomorrow.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 16/07/2023 18:45

Nodancingshoes · 16/07/2023 14:47

Well if you didn't laugh you'd cry wouldn't you...😉😉
Popped in today and after some initially moaning, she was actually OK! I keep switching between thinking she is dying to thinking she has another 2 years in her yet...
She now has district nurses calling in twice a week to check her legs and pressure sores. These now seem to be the only things wrong with her except for, well, being 98 years old.

I know what you mean. We’ve gone from thinking he wouldn’t make his 100th to realising he’s only a few months off 101; from thinking he wouldn’t last the night to happily booking a chiropodist for 3 months hence.

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MotherOfCatBoy · 16/07/2023 19:09

@BestIsWest they live in the Rhymney Valley, towards Merthyr… you’re probably west of them!
Beautiful to look at aren’t they?

BestIsWest · 16/07/2023 19:16

@MotherOfCatBoy I’m more Swansea way. They are very beautiful.

thesandwich · 16/07/2023 19:44

Parallel universes come to mind after too many years in the caff….
cockroach all…..

EmotionalBlackmail · 16/07/2023 20:21

Crikey, that article's a load of rubbish, isn't it?!

Also the example they give of the woman called Helen who is a full time carer as well as working full time? Surely that's physically impossible? Caring 24/7 for someone as well as putting in a 35+ hour week somewhere?!

EmmaEmerald · 16/07/2023 21:13

I love the Welsh valleys.

That can't be full time care on top of a job! If I end up doing any large chunks of the day caring for mum, I'll stop working (I realise that makes us very lucky).

So glad I moved round the corner. We had a carer come for a few hours today so I went my home and my boyfriend came round. The carer cooked a lovely meal too.

I think it's almost lucky we didn't get a respite care place but it's so hard to predict how things will go. I had a friend at mum's yesterday and she managed to spend some time with us, I think it cheered her up.

I'm guessing this Helen lives in the same house as her mum?

funnelfan · 17/07/2023 00:23

thesandwich · 16/07/2023 19:43

Bloody hell talk about rose tinted spectacles! Sacrifice your lives for the warm and fuzzy feelings? Every now and then mum and I might have a quiet shared moment with an old memory or a family joke and a little chuckle, that “warms the heart and strengthen the bond”. But then inevitably I feel even more sad afterwards as the moment passes, and we’re back to the general grind of care, and the glimpse of “mum that was” slips away again. It’s impossible to do any work while at my mums that’s any more complex than keeping on top of emails due to the interruptions and I thank my lucky stars to have a very understanding boss, and an enlightened employer that allows working from home and proper flexible working hours.

i salute anyone out there that chooses to do this full time, you have my admiration and/or sympathy. But in my case it would be the end of my job, my mental health and my marriage.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 17/07/2023 09:34
  1. Caring for a parent in your 50s is a tad different from caring for a parent in your 70s
  2. They were struggling to find benefits for the carer, weren’t they? After the first one (what arrogance, to think we none of us had purpose in our lives before caring for our parents), all the benefits were to the parent
  3. That was-a remarkably fit and cognitively unimpaired set of parents!
  4. It was all an ad for a care home, anyway.
OP posts:
Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 17/07/2023 09:39

@thesandwich If you put double [ then your url, then a space, then some text, eg “This article” then double ], the 10-line url is replaced by the text you entered, makes for much shorter quotes.

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thesandwich · 17/07/2023 10:24

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation for the tech help!

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 17/07/2023 10:42

That article was the biggest load of tosh I have seen for a long time. Of course it makes your loved one happier than being cared for by anyone else but at what expense for the carer?

EmotionalBlackmail · 17/07/2023 11:39

If "Helen" is living with her mother to provide care I really hope she's taken financial and legal advice.

I've just seen an acquaintance absolutely shafted after moving in with her mum to provide companionship and then care for seven years. Mum died very suddenly. Carer has no other income, carers allowance stopped immediately. She's in her 50s but hasn't worked in those last few years because caring is so time-consuming. House left to all the children so needs to be sold to split the inheritance.

Knotaknitter · 17/07/2023 11:46

It's not so rosy when care is more than spraying a bit of perfume, chatting and cooking a meal. I'd like to have seen the illustration being of someone caring for a parent with dementia, where there isn't any chance of the warm glow of shared conversation and no swimming and photography because they can't be left. I don't think it's at all representative of what full time care looks like for the majority of carers.

EmmaEmerald · 17/07/2023 13:27

EmotionalBlackmail · 17/07/2023 11:39

If "Helen" is living with her mother to provide care I really hope she's taken financial and legal advice.

I've just seen an acquaintance absolutely shafted after moving in with her mum to provide companionship and then care for seven years. Mum died very suddenly. Carer has no other income, carers allowance stopped immediately. She's in her 50s but hasn't worked in those last few years because caring is so time-consuming. House left to all the children so needs to be sold to split the inheritance.

Sorry, how is that being shafted?

A lot of tosh gets printed for no real reason, I guess this is one such article.

EmmaEmerald · 17/07/2023 13:29

I don’t know if I’d qualify for carers allowance as I don’t know if mum would meet the threshold for needing it. She’s on her own for about 6 hours today so I presume it’s not really an option for me anyway.

WhatHaveIFound · 17/07/2023 13:30

thesandwich · 16/07/2023 19:43

I bet there are considerably more than 7 downsides to caring for your parents!

Still here, dad still in hospital with no idea of when he'll be discharged. When I asked why he was having IV antibiotics they weren't allowed to give that information over the phone but they couldn't give me a reason when I went to visit him either. It doesn't help that the junior doctors were on strike. I'm hoping I'll find out more today.

I assume confusion in a hospital environment is usual? He didn't remember my mum visiting though he said he'd seen my DD (who hasn't been). Asked why his brother & sister hadn't visited - both deceased back in his home country. I'm not sure he even knew who I was 😥

RuthTopp · 17/07/2023 14:11

Nope a fail !

EmotionalBlackmail · 17/07/2023 14:12

Hi @EmmaEmerald because she's given up her potential to earn an income to care for her mum and then been left with much less chance to earn (people over 50 often struggle to rejoin the workforce because of ageism), out of date skills, no pension other than NI built up and no roof over her head as the house she was living in with her mum will have to be sold as it's inherited between siblings.

Maybe not shafted as she chose to do this but initially a relationship broke down and she moved in with her mum temporarily and then became her carer. I doubt she stopped to think about the long term consequences.

InAMuddl · 17/07/2023 14:47

Most of the article seems to be about benefits to her Mum rather than her as the carer as well!

@WhatHaveIFound, I think it’s quite common to have confusion in a hospital environment but it doesn’t make it easy on either of you. Have the staff said anything about it?

We have survived the first week of DM being at home again after being hospitalised and then sectioned for 6 weeks. Ups and downs as expected this week but DDad seems to largely be coping ok with her home. I’m on tenderhooks waiting for the next crisis. I am sure you all know that feeling well!

EmmaEmerald · 17/07/2023 15:05

What is it possible it’s a UTI? I’m sorry, it’s so scary when they’re in hospital

Emotional that’s a tough spot. I think carers should be paid a lot more. In reality I don’t think I’d ever live with mum full time but if I did I’d have a home to rent out. I know I’m very lucky though.

TheIoWfairy · 17/07/2023 17:32

Re that article - I note the website is appropriately called ‘Rest less’ as that’s what happens to most of us caring for parents, on top of everything else!

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