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Elderly parents

The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

971 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/03/2023 09:21

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 02/03/2023 09:28

Signing in and getting a latte

BestIsWest · 02/03/2023 09:44

Gah, posted on the old thread by mistake.

Cockroaches all. Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation

Have brought leftover Welshcakes from yesterday.

countrygirl99 · 02/03/2023 09:49

@BestIsWest I never tell my brothers when I'm off work unless I'm going away. Brother with POA is very quick to issue orders. I prefer to avoid the confrontation that would inevitably arise although I'm quite prepared to tell him where to go if necessary.

BestIsWest · 02/03/2023 09:55

It’s a dilemma. DB is great in some ways - he does some shopping, gardening, cooks for her, visits regularly etc but any medical appointments and all the admin plus anything needing sorting in the house already falls to me so I don’t want to take on any more. There were 26 medical appointments last year which I took time off for. He did 2 and only because they were at weekends.

He was supposed to do her weekly shop yesterday but forgot as he is going on holiday on Saturday (I don’t know either).

I might mention it at some point.

Borntobeamum · 02/03/2023 09:57

Morning all.
I lost DF in September and DM just 4 weeks ago.
Im not particularly close to my DB bug over the last few months, we’ve spent a lot of time together dealing with 2 funerals and all the paperwork that comes with loss.

He’s just rung me. I’m in tears. He said he’d just rung to tell me he misses me.


countrygirl99 · 02/03/2023 10:09

@BestIsWest I have 2 DBs. One was the golden child who can do no wrong and was given POA. He is also very bossy. He is retired but lives hours away so can't do stuff that needs a presence and I push back on anything that can be done by phone and he tries to push it back to me. We are locking horns a lot at the moment. The other DB and I both work full time and live about an hour from mum. One of us will visit each week and we take turns for medical appointments. We are currently investigating care homes as likely to be needed in the near future and have 8 possibles we need to visit, all at weekends to fit around work, car repairs, maintaining our own homes etc. POA DB seems to think we can be there at any time on any day and needs to be firmly told every single time.

BestIsWest · 02/03/2023 10:14

@countrygirl99 that sounds extremely annoying! Luckily we both have POA. There’s such an assumption that it will be the daughter who takes the burden too.

@Borntobeamum that is very touching of him. Do you think you have become closer?

DahliaMacNamara · 02/03/2023 10:33

DH and SIL have certainly butted heads over MIL's care. I don't think they essentially disagree over much, but SIL is the one who gets told things as a default, and you can probably guess why. DH thinks she pushes herself forward to be in charge and gatekeep information. They probably do equal amounts in terms of visiting, admin etc, so why would various agencies persist in calling his sister during working hours, rather than him?

I really don't think he gets it.

Borntobeamum · 02/03/2023 10:52

BestIsWest Possibly. After Dads death mum was always saying how lovely it was that we got on so well. We haven’t always and unfortunately some of the family think he’s a plonker.

Major decision have been much easier to make as we both thought the same thing For example mum was 90 and in a care home. She was poorly and the Dr came to see her. He explained she had 2 options. One was to be taken into hospital for o2 and antibiotics but she was unlikely to ‘bounce back to health’.
Second option was to let her be made comfortable and pain free in the care home and be put in palliative care.

We both chose the second option and mum passed away peacefully and with us by her side 5 hours later.

I have no doubt if we’d sent her to hospital that she’d have been sat in casualty in a corridor with absolutely no dignity.

Closer? I don’t really know but we were both with Dad and Mum when they passed and I shall forever be grateful that we were able to share that.

SheilaFentiman · 02/03/2023 11:28

@countrygirl99 8 seems like far too many to visit, can you cut that down?

countrygirl99 · 02/03/2023 11:59

SheilaFentiman · 02/03/2023 11:28

@countrygirl99 8 seems like far too many to visit, can you cut that down?

@SheilaFentiman we are doing 3 or 4 first. Hopefully there will be a couple we like in that group. If not we'll look at more. There are 2 run by the same charity and we have 1 in the first group. If we like that one we may also have a look at the other one as they are very different locations. I'm really hoping that we don't have to look at all 8 to find 2 we like. Once we have 2 we will take mum to see them so she feels involved in the choice. Even the minimum is going to take a lot of time.
POA DB is insistent we look at the only home in mum's town which, having looked at the website, I don't think will be suitable so that doesn't help. But as he is controlling the purse strings we won't get anywhere if we don't go there. I'm planning to make it the last of the day so I can keep that visit short and pop in to see mum afterwards.

SheilaFentiman · 02/03/2023 12:03

Aargh, what a pain for you about DB.

are the other homes closer to you?

Karatema · 02/03/2023 12:05

Not sure if I've understood this thread but I have DPs and my MiL still.
My MiL is no trouble, unfortunately, because she has dementia. She knows none of us now and has no communication except grunts.
My DPs are, for 80+yr olds, very active both physically and mentally. They have selective hearing!
They ignore my advice but then expect me to sort things out for them when they get it wrong!
I have 2 siblings; my DB is a rock most of the time.

MissMarplesNiece · 02/03/2023 12:52

I was very close to my DB and together we looked after DMs bungalow while we got it ready to put up for sale. He was a rock. But I took DM out for mothers day last year, he came with us and my DM was quite rude and unpleasant to him. He has since gone none contact with my mother and with me. I'm confused why he doesn't want anything to do with me - I defended him & had words with DM about her being so rude to him. I think (but don't have evidence cos he's just stopped any contact with me) it's because I still have contact with DM and I am therefore somehow "on her side".

I dearly miss DB.

MissMarplesNiece · 02/03/2023 12:59

My DM thinks she can say anything to anyone, no matter how unpleasant, and they'll just suck it up. She was vile about me on Tuesday when i went to see her. If it was someone else, not DM, I wouldnt have anything to do with her. I'm going to see her again today to take her shopping but I'm not looking forward to it.

Knotaknitter · 02/03/2023 13:21

I'm only here for the company, I had a lot of support here when I had two grannies at home who supposedly could manage but couldn't. It's three years since it was at its worst and now it seems a lifetime ago. I've still not completed on the family home, it's been any week now for a month. MIL is in residential care, I'm not sure whether her body will give out before her reasoning because of late she's lost a lot of weight and her blood sugar is all over the place.

countrygirl99 · 02/03/2023 13:30

SheilaFentiman · 02/03/2023 12:03

Aargh, what a pain for you about DB.

are the other homes closer to you?

The ones that look nicest on the websites are mostly further away 😔. But I'd rather she was safe somewhere nice and have to travel a bit further. There is one that's purpose built and not for profit that's in a town she likes to visit and has good options for outings - cathedral, nice shops and cafés, interesting Saturday Market, that's in the priority list. The same organisation has another that's much closer but it's in a village with few options for outings. It's hard thinking about the right balance.

Rattysparklebum · 02/03/2023 13:33

STATINS warning

Sorry to shout but my elderly father was in hospital last week after a fall, he has Lewy Body dementia and has deteriorated so fast over the last year, however when in hospital they stopped his regular statins as when you get past 75 yrs old they can apparently have side effects such as confusion, poor memory and falls.

The improvement in DF is amazing, it’s like we have gone back a year, he is calm, can hold a decent conversation and remembers who everyone is, he still has moments of confusion but generally he is really good.

Just hoping this info might help others.

MysterOfwomanY · 02/03/2023 15:59

I just want to pop in on the new thread to say how helpful (mainly lurking and reading) has been.
"If they've got capacity and won't be reasonable then you just have to step back and let the crisis happen" has been an INVALUABLE rule this past year.
If I have been asked to do something sensible and feasible (sometimes I even volunteer if the idea hasn't occurred to them) then I'll do it, but equally I am okay with saying no to the daft and impractical.

(FX: drops off some biscuits for the bad nieces, stepdaughters, friends and neighbours bench)

thesandwich · 02/03/2023 16:17

Checking in! Thanks@MereDintofPandiculation for the new thread.

Chevyimpala67 · 02/03/2023 16:25

Hi all
Mum continues to stagger on
2 more diagnoses in recent months:
Diverticulitis and essential tremor.
Dr took her off beta blocker last November and she's been admitted twice with BP over 200/120.
So...past few weeks have been trying to speak to drs about putting her back on a beta blocker and being seen f2f
Finally got her a f2f appointment next Week plus bloods.
Copd nurse has changed her Inhalers AGAIN (3rd time in a year)
She's very frail now. Cant walk far and only with a stick.
My siblings remain as useless and nasty as ever.
And on it goes...

Malbecfan · 02/03/2023 17:05

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation for the new thread.

I feel a bit of a fraud in here as DF is not nearly as bad as some DP/DPIL. He will be 88 next week and is in pretty robust health, but his alcohol intake is alarming. His short-term memory is poor but he has always been in the habit of keeping a detailed diary, so that does help.

Like others here, my sister is a complete PITA. She lives abroad and thinks that by calling DF every evening, she is a loving and dutiful DD. She has criticised almost everything I have done since DF came to stay in October. Never mind that his current account paid no interest and there was a big balance in there - with his encouragement, I have now set up an account where he is getting a decent rate of interest and he is already £200 better off. She has gone mad at me for getting an estate planner in. DF wanted to change his will. The planner urged us to review DF's LPA because when sister organised it in 2019 (without consulting me), she didn't include any replacement attorneys. We are now going through the whole re-application with a revocation process which I am having to oversee, simply because she's not as smart as she thinks she is. Yet she and my wooden-spoon-bearing BiL think that I'm trying to fleece DF. And on it goes. Cockroach to all.

rhetorician · 02/03/2023 18:59

Hello - am in revolving door hell currently. My mum is nearly 89, quite frail, living at home alone with 3x carers/day. She was last in hospital end of Jan, but we also had a&e visit early Feb (swollen, ulcerated legs). She fell yesterday and is in again. I don't live in the UK, am an only child, no close friends or relatives to help. I do online food shopping, online laundry, all the bills and finances, visit every 2-3 weeks and clean and do outstanding jobs (I work full time and have two children). Currently she can't hear (ears need syringing so I arranged this at home - she wouldn't give consent/didn't understand what he was asking). Obviously no one can do anything - memory nurse went home etc etc. Last time I was there at the weekend she seemed much worse to me - struggling to recall words, very confused, up at all hours of the morning calling out to me etc. I want to move her to live-in 24 hour care (her physical needs are very manageable) as she cannot hear when food is delivered, or talk to me on the phone. But this can't happen unless someone determines she lacks capacity, which they can't do because she can't hear. And round and round we go....

orangetriangle · 02/03/2023 19:51

just checking in still at the beginning of sorting everything out after mums death 2 weeks ago what a minefield havent even started on sorting house to put on market yet!!

Newmum738 · 03/03/2023 07:14

Checking in! My mum has her 2nd memory clinic appointment on Sunday so waiting with apprehension for news. She was meant to be with me for a telephone interview but she decided she wanted to go home. She says she doesn't care if it's bad news so hope she's right on that one!

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