Siblings want to put mum in a home

[Florencenightingalewasfab]

( I'll split this into two posts as it's quite long)Mum ( now in late 70's) sold her home and gave all the money to my sister for a 2 bed 'granny flat' ( to be built on the side of my sister's home. Sister took her money and built mum a ONE bedroom extension and also managed to gain a new bedroom into the bargain. So mum didn't get what she wanted and no one could come to stay in "her" flat, Sis used the 'extra' bedroom in her house - sorry - I digress. Mum dud this on the understanding that she wouldn't have to go into a ( old people's home ). Mum also gave full access to BIL and sis to her bank account

When my elderly grandfather was very unwell, he came to live with us. I was a teen at the time. Nobody knew how long he had left, months or years, including my parents. It was an open-ended commitment.

Until you’ve experienced it, you can’t know how much having an elderly person living in your home changes everything. Childcare. Mealtimes. Holidays. Having people over. Going out. Keeping a pet. Not to mention finances, or wider family dynamics.

As such, I think you should hold your counsel about the ins and outs of what’s going on with your mum. She’s been there 7 years. I’d your sister has children, that’s a heck of a long time, a lot of compromises, many sacrifices.

You say that you want and need nothing from your mum. Good. Leave it at that. Visit her. Spend time with her wherever she’s living. And nothing else.

If you don’t like the arrangements your sister is making, have your mum come to live with you. If you can’t - keep quiet. She’s being looked after, and well enough by the sound of things. That’s enough.

Gosh I am glad you found out who the Gestapo were here rather than accidently using the word inappropriately at work, us vipers come in handy for something!

If you have been estranged for years, you don't have enough information about the circumstances to make any of this your business. Wading in will only create drama for you and them.

I hope you are fully recovered from your illness.

How and why would your mum have come to you and also given you poa if you are so estranged and the black sheep of the family?

I told sis that she can give me whatever she got from my mum and I will look after her. Otherwise there's no room. Besides which mum.expressed many years ago she never wanted to go into a home and would love with sis instead

Most people don’t want to go into a home. It’s not up to your mum alone, though - if your sister has given 7 years and your mum won’t accept additional help an devices to keep her safe, what do you actually expect your sister to do?

Your mum isn't a pawn in the dynamic between you and your sister. If you've been gaslighted by your family and consider them toxic, how can it be in anyone's best interests for your mum to live with you?

If you have health issues of your own, are you capable of caring for your mum? Of having construction work done to make space for her? Make a lifetime (your mum's lifetime) commitment?

Most elderly people don't want to go into a home. Would you? It's a very difficult decision to have to make. Between the two of you, I'd venture that your sister is best placed to decide with your mum, not you.

It seems to me from all your posts that your issue is really with your siblings, especially your sister, and your BIL. This isn't mostly about your mum.

So you want the money that was spent 7 years ago when the extension was built and then you'll look after your mum?

I thought it wasn’t about the money but your mums best interests…

i doubt your mum would be keen to move to a room in your house - I assume what she wants is her familiar surroundings where she has been settled for 7 years. And she would have every capacity to decide not to move 90 mins away.

That's the only way I could afford an extension for her

Do you work, OP? Do you actually have capacity to give all care to your mum, without carers or alerts, even if there was space?

I told sis that she can give me whatever she got from my mum and I will look after her. Otherwise there's no room. Besides which mum.expressed many years ago she never wanted to go into a home and would love with sis instead

So you have basically said you can't look after her. Your sister can hardly rip the extension down brick by brick and hand it over to you can she? If you can't look after her, and your sister can no longer cope with your mother's medical needs because she is refusing medical devices and professional carers. What do you expect her to do?

It is but I was explaining I would need money to pay for someone to build onto my house as currently there's no room

Well it seems you are not physically or mentally strong enough to take on this burden. You say that your mother said you were a drama queen when you were ill. Why bring further toxicity into your life.

If you work can you take time off for every crisis, incident that arises. Do you have a partner to help you?

Can I ask why you aren’t engaging with the care points?

Planning would take months, you'd be lucky if your home was ready inside two years. Building costs extortionate.

What I would say rings alarm bells is that your DM doesn't have access to her money.

Financial abuse is taken very seriously but it's one hell of a can of worms to open....

Was your Mum in good health when she moved in to your Sisters ? she will only have been in her early 70's then. So has it been a case of her health deteriorating in the recent past, culminating in this hospital admission ?
I think your Mum was very naive to think that the annexe would mean no possibility of residential care later on in her life and it sounds as though it still isn't a neccessity if she would agree to a care package and the lifeline and nebuliser.

I don't want to sound harsh, but from what you've described your mum isn't being helpful and it does sound like she needs to go into care. You taking her in will only prolong the inevitable and as you currently don't have the space or means to long after her, that process in itself will take time - which you don't have. If your mum is being abused then certainly investigate, but be fair and reasonable. You aren't around to know how hard it is to take care of an elderly parent. I would just let it go as far as the extension goes, it was probably done with the right intention at the time and even if it wasn't, your mum was part of this and willing. Let it go for your own sake more than anything

This is an interesting case.

So you're estranged from you family, think they're dramatic, they gaslight you and you've not been involved in the care for your Mum when your sister had for 7 years and now you're getting twitchy because your other siblings all agree there might be an imminent point coming up where your elderly mother (who refuses to do the things that will keep her safe in her granny flat) might need to go into a care home.

There's a trend on MN for estranged adult children to show up when they think they're losing out financially.

@Florencenightingalewasfab
I understand how frustrated you must feel, however have you talked to your other 2 siblings about this to gain a better understanding?

Well what is the plan?

Your sister has been providing continuous care, to a growing degree for seven years. Presumably managing her bills and finances for her if she has access to banking. Your DM now refuses to accept nebulisers, carers, any other support other than your sister's presence. Your other siblings with no financial interest agree that she needs residential care if she won't accept professional care at home. What is your alternative for someone who needs care and refuses to accept it in the home?

You say yourself you are distanced from the family, you don't get on and have little contact and yet you are confidently asserting from 90 miles away that despite having lived through the PITA that is planning and building work, caring for your mother for seven years including her finances she is the grabby one. Paid support and care for the last seven years would wipe out any inheritance from the average family house and then some.

I wonder if that is what your sister said seven years ago……

Your sister has been looking after her for 7 years and is now struggling because your mother won't accept anything that will help.

I don't think it matters if they built they Taj Mahal after she moved in, you need to back off. What have you done to actually help here?