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Elderly parents
Original poster

Wants to move in with us

95 replies

IDontWantToResignMyself · 16/12/2022 09:24

Okay so MIL isn't elderly but I wasn't sure where to post this, I need kind advice rather than the blunt AIBU threads. 😂

I live with DH, I'm physically disabled, my eldest son has a MLD and other disabilities, and my youngest who is fine just very full on. As you can imagine my life can be pretty stressful.

We live near MIL whose in her late 50s. No other family around she choose to go NC with DHs sibling and his other sibling lives hours away so very rarely visits.

Mil started hinting about moving in with us about two years ago, we ignored it at first and hoped she'd get the hint.
She didn't. A while ago I was talking to her about going on the council list as I need a adapted house as I'm slowly getting worse and loosing my mobility.
We rent so my landlord isn't happy to make the adaptations as this isn't our forever home.

She's now mentioning it more & more about how we need to apply for a four bed council house with en-suite for her (I know you don't get en suites with council!) and said she'll bring round her details to add her on. BlushSad

I've spoken to DH who has said he doesn't mind her moving in, and that it'd make sense so she's not struggling on her own.
I really do not want her to live with us, atm she's 5 minutes away and we see her every day and I find that to much, sometimes I just want to chill in my PJs with DC and switch off in the evenings!
Not to mention ill feel uncomfortable I don't like DTD with DH if we have visitors staying so we can kiss goodbye to what's left of our private life!

He won't tell mil that I'm not comfortable with it, I'm also worried because she's so young we could have another 30 odd years of this.
My eldest is unlikely to live independently so will be with us the majority of his adult life unless he chooses to move into supportive living so I also have to factor this in.

How do I tell mil she can't move in? DH says I'm being cruel. But the way I see it as my mobility and general life is declining I can't be looking after an extra person as well! It's really not fair.

OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 16/12/2022 09:25

You just tell him you don’t want it. And with some bits from your last paragraph.

Original poster
IDontWantToResignMyself · 16/12/2022 09:27

@SheWoreYellow I've told him this, but he says I'm being cruel and that I need to see that she can't afford to live alone with the COL and ever rising costs. I just want to scream lol.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 16/12/2022 09:29

I’d just tell him he can either live with her or live with you.

Im a firm believer that the person who is not the blood relative of the person who wants to move in should get the casting vote because it will be much harder on them. What would he say if you suggested that your mum moved in??

CambsAlways · 16/12/2022 09:31

I actually think you have enough on your plate to be honest and I think it’s your husband that’s being very unreasonable, you are hardly being cruel, what’s COL? You stand your ground, he should be putting his wife first

Original poster
IDontWantToResignMyself · 16/12/2022 09:34

Sorry col means cost of living crisis. She's struggling with her bills a bit.

My mum would never move in and he knows that. She's very independent and currently looks after my grandparents who are in their 80s and still live in their own homes happily! But he would find it stressful if she ever did move in even though she's a huge help when she visits. Mil has never even babysat.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 16/12/2022 09:36

COL = cost of living

If she is in her 50s could be nearer to 40 years for her living with you.

Can she downsize to help cut costs? I wouldn't want either MIL or DM living with us. Does she work?

Original poster
IDontWantToResignMyself · 16/12/2022 09:37

toomuchlaundry · 16/12/2022 09:36

COL = cost of living

If she is in her 50s could be nearer to 40 years for her living with you.

Can she downsize to help cut costs? I wouldn't want either MIL or DM living with us. Does she work?

No doesn't work hasnt for a long time. She can't downsize as they are more expensive now rents have increased.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 16/12/2022 09:38

The problem is your H rather than your mil.
Tell him you won’t be living with her but he’s welcome to

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/12/2022 09:40

It has to Bea you or her choice for him. And remind him he'd never get another girlfriend while his mum was living with him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/12/2022 09:41

To be a...

CrotchetyQuaver · 16/12/2022 09:42

Speaking as a 58 year old, your MIL needs to get herself a job of some kind.
As for moving into your 4 bed with an en-suite council house when you get it... she's deluded Grin I can't decide if she's joking or has no idea.

I do hope you're on the council waiting list already yourselves though

RudsyFarmer · 16/12/2022 09:44

Bloody hell. That’s a huge no from me.

upfucked · 16/12/2022 09:45

If she is in her 50s then she needs to down size and get a job.

Seymour5 · 16/12/2022 09:45

I would look to registering with the council or a housing association asap. I would suggest your MIL does the same, in fact as an over 50, she might be eligible for sheltered or other older people’s housing. That would save her money, social rents are cheaper, a smaller place would cost less to heat. She may get priority if she has a disability or serious health condition. I assume she must, otherwise she’d be working like most people in their 50s.

Original poster
IDontWantToResignMyself · 16/12/2022 09:49

Yes I'm registered with the council for us alone, I'm waiting on a property to come up that's suitable. That's why she wants her name on it too so it's done.

The en suite thing isn't a joke I don't think, she's even gone as far as saying we should private rent a 4 bed and called dibs on the master with an en suite. Confused

She won't go back to work either, I've already tried suggesting it.

OP posts:
lemmein · 16/12/2022 09:49

It's quite sad that she wants to even do this when she's still so young and able. It sounds like she's lonely - does she have any interests outside of your family?

I think you're going to have to make it very clear that it's not going to happen, to both her and your mummy's boy DH. I have a friend whose ILs moved in, 'just until we find somewhere else'...4 years later they're still there Shock I couldn't manage 4 hours with the ILs, nevermind 4 years! Luckily the feeling is mutual so they'd never ask Grin

Itsallyellow22 · 16/12/2022 09:54

Yep I agree with pp, tell DH he has a choice of living with you or with her. It's a 100% no from me. You're not being cruel, that's a stupid thing to say. I don't know anyone who would have their own parent move in, let alone in laws. Bonkers.

PorridgewithQuark · 16/12/2022 10:00

This is shocking - she's quite a young woman. Why on earth doesn't she work? Is she also disabled? If so can she approach the council to go on waiting lists for her own one bedroom flat?

If not then why on earth would a working age person feel entitled to an ensuite master bedroom at the expense of a disabled person, even if her fantasy of you all living together in a four bedroom house were anywhere close to realistic?

Obviously you have to stick to your guns now otherwise you'll be crammed into a single room with your husband, supporting your mil to stay home in the master bedroom as well as looking after your disabled son - for the rest of your life...

WandaWonder · 16/12/2022 10:04

So she moves in and he will be the one doing all the care she needs?

As in not you?

vix3rd · 16/12/2022 10:06

I'd start mentioning that if she's not coping living herself that sheltered housing would probably be best as there's always someone there in case of emergencies.

CambsAlways · 16/12/2022 10:07

She sounds very entitled op, why doesn’t she downsize, yes we are all struggling but her way of thinking makes her sound very selfish, oh I will just upstix and live with my son n daughter in law, not thinking of you at all! Your Dh is sounding as though he wants to please his mum and not taking his wife’s feelings at all into consideration, do not back down op

spookymarmite · 16/12/2022 10:09

Bloody hell, absolutely don't allow this.

Why on earth doesn't she work?

Squamata · 16/12/2022 10:16

Fuck that. She sounds like a pain but also maybe lonely? Sheltered housing with some kind of social scene would be good, but at 50 odd it's depressing she doesn't want more out of life!

Don't let her move in, DH seems to be assuming you're happy to be a domestic slave all your life. And you'd be on the waiting list for longer I'd imagine. Nooooo

Moon22 · 16/12/2022 10:16

Would not work for me- unless I absolutely adored the woman and wanted to spend more time with her- which, let's face it, seems unlikely with a MIL!
A possible compromise could be a house with a seperate living space, not attached to the main property, but that will probably be just as expensive as both having 1 modest house each.
I think you're going to have to be very honest with your husband, just say it's not going to work for you, it's not what you signed up for and there is no need for it!- a healthy woman in her 50s gatecrashing your life, she must know she's not wanted there for goodness sake! Does she have a job? Could she do some extra work (like the rest of us,) if she's struggling financially? Or, maybe downsize herself to a nice little house/flat with no maintenance?

Alexandernevermind · 16/12/2022 10:19

If you don't want her to live with her then you have to tell her. Next time she mentions it just say no.
I don't believe in spouses doing all of the politics with their own parents btw, children are often conditioned to go along with their parents and struggle to say no.