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Elderly parents
Original poster

Wants to move in with us

95 replies

IDontWantToResignMyself · 16/12/2022 09:24

Okay so MIL isn't elderly but I wasn't sure where to post this, I need kind advice rather than the blunt AIBU threads. 😂

I live with DH, I'm physically disabled, my eldest son has a MLD and other disabilities, and my youngest who is fine just very full on. As you can imagine my life can be pretty stressful.

We live near MIL whose in her late 50s. No other family around she choose to go NC with DHs sibling and his other sibling lives hours away so very rarely visits.

Mil started hinting about moving in with us about two years ago, we ignored it at first and hoped she'd get the hint.
She didn't. A while ago I was talking to her about going on the council list as I need a adapted house as I'm slowly getting worse and loosing my mobility.
We rent so my landlord isn't happy to make the adaptations as this isn't our forever home.

She's now mentioning it more & more about how we need to apply for a four bed council house with en-suite for her (I know you don't get en suites with council!) and said she'll bring round her details to add her on. BlushSad

I've spoken to DH who has said he doesn't mind her moving in, and that it'd make sense so she's not struggling on her own.
I really do not want her to live with us, atm she's 5 minutes away and we see her every day and I find that to much, sometimes I just want to chill in my PJs with DC and switch off in the evenings!
Not to mention ill feel uncomfortable I don't like DTD with DH if we have visitors staying so we can kiss goodbye to what's left of our private life!

He won't tell mil that I'm not comfortable with it, I'm also worried because she's so young we could have another 30 odd years of this.
My eldest is unlikely to live independently so will be with us the majority of his adult life unless he chooses to move into supportive living so I also have to factor this in.

How do I tell mil she can't move in? DH says I'm being cruel. But the way I see it as my mobility and general life is declining I can't be looking after an extra person as well! It's really not fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
IDontWantToResignMyself · 16/12/2022 10:20

She doesn't work as she has arthritis but it's controlled through pain killers, she can walk a heck a lot further than me. Blush (very embarrassing when someone older is fitter than you!)

That's what it feels like that I'm expected to be a care giver when I'm struggling myself but everyone seems happy to let it happen!

OP posts:
Bard6817 · 16/12/2022 10:22

These situations only work if the home is technically two homes in one, ie. Space. We’re looking for a home big enough so we can handle this exact situation. It’s not easy.

Hate to suggest this, but the killer for us, is sex. We don’t when we have people to stay…. Not that we are noisy, but we don’t wish to be overheard. So, tell hubby, if she moves in, it’s a sex killer and you dont really want to just live as friends.

Moon22 · 16/12/2022 10:22

Sorry, just re-read posts, I see you've already mentioned she doesn't work. I would suggest getting a job would be the first thing this woman needs to do!! No wonder she is financially struggling!

Another reason she's not moving in, you don't want someone jobless who will barely contribute to the house moving in for the next 50 years! She'll be home all day running your bills up and claim she has no money to put in the pot as she doesn't work! And, by the sound of it, your husband will defend this behaviour, you will become more and more frustrated, leading to all sorts of falling outs and probable separation and divorce!! Your MIL will then be loving life, in your old house, with her son, feet up and demanding he build her an ensuite! No. Just no.

Original poster
IDontWantToResignMyself · 16/12/2022 10:23

WandaWonder · 16/12/2022 10:04

So she moves in and he will be the one doing all the care she needs?

As in not you?

Very unlikely. He only helps me when I'm stuck somewhere and can't move which happens more and more! He does cook dinners and do school runs when I can't and helps with eldest sons care so he is somewhat helpful but I can't see him doing his mothers care.

OP posts:
Moon22 · 16/12/2022 10:25

IDontWantToResignMyself · 16/12/2022 10:20

She doesn't work as she has arthritis but it's controlled through pain killers, she can walk a heck a lot further than me. Blush (very embarrassing when someone older is fitter than you!)

That's what it feels like that I'm expected to be a care giver when I'm struggling myself but everyone seems happy to let it happen!

Surely she could do something though? Something part time or working from home? (Not your home!)
Good luck an let us know how it all pans out!

GG1986 · 16/12/2022 10:33

There is no way my oh would allow my mother to ever move in with us, so there is no way i would allow his mother to move in. I wouldn't mind if she lived a bit closer, but definitely not in our house with us. Cost of living is affecting most people, but if she moves in with you that ups all of your bills, making everything more difficult for you and your children. Put your foot down for your families sake.

Farmageddon · 16/12/2022 10:33

Like so many MIL threads on here, what you really have is a DH problem.

You need to be very firm with him, that if he tries to move his mother in, your marriage is at risk. He wants an easy life, and doesn't want to upset his mother - but doesn't seem to care how that will affect you or your kids. What an arsehole.

Bonheurdupasse · 16/12/2022 10:38

OP

I'm sorry but since you've already had the calm conversations with DH you have to take further steps.

As a 1st steps please have your mother stay for at least a week - even if she has to sleep on the couch, beg her.
You can say that it's to help you.
And tell DH that's what he wants for you. Full time.
He needs to feel the full uncomfortable ness of it. Not until he feels it himself will you be able to get anywhere with him.

EVHead · 16/12/2022 10:40

He only helps me when I'm stuck somewhere and can't move.

Absolutely your message is “You can live with MIL or me, but not both.”

Be firm - to me it’s a bit like planning a baby - if one partner doesn’t want a baby then it doesn’t happen.

rookiemere · 16/12/2022 10:46

Tell your DH this :

"Not to mention ill feel uncomfortable I don't like DTD with DH if we have visitors staying so we can kiss goodbye to what's left of our private life! ^"

That might he^lp to focus his mind.

I'm embarrassed for MIL quite frankly. My DM has started hinting about this - not happening- and she's 84. Late 50s is no age to be acting the enfeebled old lady.

PlanningTowns · 16/12/2022 10:52

Of course we get the ‘it’s a DH problem not a MiL problem’ come out. As a op said children are conditioned to go along with parents and if he struggles to stand up to her (which clearly he does) he will never say no.

you must firstly be clear to DH - knock it on the head. Spell it out to him what will happen (or not) if he allows her to move in.

next you (as a grown and capable woman) must clearly repeat the same message to her.

of course it will be uncomfortable and yes she will blame you (but to be honest that’s also a fact), doesn’t mean she is more worthy in your life and home than you are (far from it).

women need to empower themselves, this constant deferring to ‘d’h to sort is deflating. You also have a voice, use it!

PlanningTowns · 16/12/2022 10:52

Previous poster not op

Original poster
IDontWantToResignMyself · 16/12/2022 11:08

I'll mention the dtd thing to DH that's a good point!

I think I'll have to tell her myself I'm thinking of using the getting a 4 bed through the council is next to impossible so it'll make it to difficult for us to get somewhere... but then she might end up reverting back to finding a 4 bed house through private rent ugh.

My mum has stayed with us recently in the summer she stayed for two weeks as I had surgery and she looked after me and DC (I was bed bound) and he found it very difficult then so god knows why he thinks it'll be easier with MIL moving inn! Also it'll make it harder for my own family to visit as they'll feel like they are intruding which isn't fair as my mum visits every 12 weeks or so.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 16/12/2022 11:15

Definitely don't agree to her moving in. It will be a nightmare and you have enough on your plate. Stay strong 💪

olympicsrock · 16/12/2022 11:20

No way Jose!

SeaToSki · 16/12/2022 11:22

Do you think if you talked directly to mil it would help?

If honesty wont get you anywhere, try the well MIL if you did move in that would be a huge help for us. My mobility is declining and DH will have to work more to pay the bills, so you can do the cooking and cleaning and help with dc. A live in housekeeper/carer would be a great help for us…see how fast she changes her mind!

CPL593H · 16/12/2022 11:32

Hard no. She's in her 50s for God's sake, what is wrong with her?! As someone of the same age I can't comprehend it. If she is that determined to make herself old prematurely, the availability of over 55s social housing is better in a lot of areas than other types. Tell her to apply.

If her scheme comes to fruition, the main person to be prematurely aged will be
you. Don't do it.

Greenfairydust · 16/12/2022 11:45

She is only in her 50s and should not need someone to care for her...

You are more than enough on your plate and your need to concentrate on your own health and your kids'.

Your husband is very silly to call you ''cruel''. You are simply being sensible.

I would simply say no to her very clearly and to your husband. It is not going to happen and she needs to make different arrangements for her future.

Fraaahnces · 16/12/2022 12:02

The other thing you can do is put her right off staying with you. Start letting her think that you’re considering having her as your career as well as your son’s. You’ll take the big bedroom and she can have the box room and be close to your son and do all the heavy lifting and grubby jobs. She’ll make other plans quick smart.

Rookriver · 16/12/2022 12:25

Yeah no way would this be happening in my house. She isn't your problem and you have enough on your plate! I know someone who had their MIL move in when she was in her 70s and she lived to be 102!!!!

sunshinesupermum · 16/12/2022 12:32

I'd also suggest sheltered housing for her. Absolutely no to her moving in with you for all the reasons you've mentioned OP. Your DH is being most unreasonable and it sounds like he has to decide whether he stays living with you or moves in with her himself!

liarliarshortsonfire · 16/12/2022 12:40

Have you asked her how she sees this working?

How is she going to pay a third of all the bills
What days will she be doing the childcare to allow you to go back to work full time
Whilst you're both at work full time she can be responsible for cooking for the WHOLE family
She'll also be responsible for doing the lions share of the housework, cleaning, laundry etc.

I'd make it quite clear that she has to contribute financially, with her time as a childminder and that she'll be cooking and cleaning. It might not be such an attractive alternative. I'm sure she thinks you'll be waiting on her as a guest.

Virginiaplain · 16/12/2022 12:44

I’m astounded that DH is happy to postpone a sex life for 30 years !!!!!!!

Oh, you didn’t mention that to him ?? Well tell him clearly.

FictionalCharacter · 16/12/2022 12:53

As always the DH is a big part of the problem. Does he see this woman who is only in her 60s as his poor frail old mummy who needs looking after, or is he just a doormat who won’t say no to her?
You need to be honest with her, not make excuses about not being able to find a big enough house. Having her live with you just wouldn’t work for a hundred reasons. She’ll no doubt behave as your guest and expect you to wait on her like a servant. For the next 30 or 40 years.
She doesn’t work or do much else because she doesn’t want to. She isn’t old. People with arthritis and much worse can work. She just wants to be lazy, be looked after by you, financially supported by you and entertained by you. Shame on your husband for wanting to indulge her at your expense.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 16/12/2022 13:00

Hard no. She's in her 50s for God's sake, what is wrong with her?!

68 here and going back to FT work in the New Year. Is she perhaps one of those women who has absorbed the message we see on here occasionally that being in your 50s and (God forbid) your 60s and 70s means that you're decrepit and incapable of either looking after yourself or you need people to run around after you organising your life all the time?

Hard no, OP.

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