Wants to move in with us

[IDontWantToResignMyself]

Okay so MIL isn't elderly but I wasn't sure where to post this, I need kind advice rather than the blunt AIBU threads. 😂


I live with DH, I'm physically disabled, my eldest son has a MLD and other disabilities, and my youngest who is fine just very full on. As you can imagine my life can be pretty stressful.

We live near MIL whose in her late 50s. No other family around she choose to go NC with DHs sibling and his other sibling lives hours away so very rarely visits.

Mil started hinting about moving in with us about two years ago, we ignored it at first and hoped she'd get the hint.
She didn't. A while ago I was talking to her about going on the council list as I need a adapted house as I'm slowly getting worse and loosing my mobility.
We rent so my landlord isn't happy to make the adaptations as this isn't our forever home.

She's now mentioning it more & more about how we need to apply for a four bed council house with en-suite for her (I know you don't get en suites with council!) and said she'll bring round her details to add her on.

I've spoken to DH who has said he doesn't mind her moving in, and that it'd make sense so she's not struggling on her own.
I really do not want her to live with us, atm she's 5 minutes away and we see her every day and I find that to much, sometimes I just want to chill in my PJs with DC and switch off in the evenings!
Not to mention ill feel uncomfortable I don't like DTD with DH if we have visitors staying so we can kiss goodbye to what's left of our private life!

He won't tell mil that I'm not comfortable with it, I'm also worried because she's so young we could have another 30 odd years of this.
My eldest is unlikely to live independently so will be with us the majority of his adult life unless he chooses to move into supportive living so I also have to factor this in.


How do I tell mil she can't move in? DH says I'm being cruel. But the way I see it as my mobility and general life is declining I can't be looking after an extra person as well! It's really not fair.

[Handyweatherstation]

I'm 60 and have arthritis, but I still go out to work and it's physical work too.

[frozenpeasforever]

Would your MIL being added to the application not put you further down the council list?

At the moment, you have one working adult plus a disabled adult and two children.

If you add MIL, you would have two working adults on the application. Would that not put you further down their needs hierarchy?

[Zodiacsigns]

Your DH is the cruel one. You're his wife he should be considering your wants and needs. I'd go for a 3 bed council house and tell both of them they are not coming. He can live with her in the current rented house. You don't have to break up just live separately. Then if he changes his mind about living with MiL he can move in with you again, if you still want him to.

[Zodiacsigns]

Also there's pretty much zero 4 bed council houses, so you'd be found a private one which means you wouldn't get the cheaper rent. It's a disaster for your family if she lives with you. Why can't she get her own council flat? Tell her bluntly. After all she's got no issues being a cheeky fucker and your DH has no issue with being mean to you, so don't feel bad about telling her straight.

[piedbeauty]

I'm sorry to hear of your health problems. Bearing this in mind, your h is being a complete wet wipe. He should have your back. He should be saying to his MIL that you're not fit enough to look after her and that her moving in just doesn't suit any of you.

She's in her late 50s??? She could live 40 more years.

Set your stall out very clearly. Good luck, op.

[madroid]

Sell her, her independence!

ATM you've got the best of both worlds - she is 5 mins away and can visit whenever she wants. But when she needs her space, she has her own perfect little nest, just how she likes it, to return to.

She's done her bit, now she should enjoy her own time. Of course, you're nearby and like to see her, but think the noise and difficulties of family life are unfair to impose on her. Does she really want to have the dgc round her ALL the time?

Plus, of course she'd have no financial independence. Your household income will be assessed all together.

[PritiPatelsMaker]

Very good advice from madroid. Selling it to her as though you're doing her a favour is genius.

It might be worth getting brochures for the local retirement villages too. Around here you Sam move in at 55 then she'd probably have her own wetroom

[Blondlashes]

Surely if she moved in she would pay rent. She’s not assuming she would be rent free

[EL8888]

No, just no. Even if she wasn’t lazy and entitled then it’s a no. You can’t just go and leach off family because you can’t be bothered working. It doesn’t sound like she would add any value. Why does she get to have the master bedroom and en-suite?!

I love your husbands double standard of his mum moving in is fine. But yours isn’t! My grandma moved in with us for 6 weeks whilst being in between properties. She caused lots of problems between my parents, telling them where they were going wrong with how they ran their lives. Totally not her place to do. Especially when my parents were doing her a favour

I don’t see why you need to offer an argument and explanation. You just don’t want to live with her!

[EL8888]

@Blondlashes

Surely if she moved in she would pay rent. She’s not assuming she would be rent free

Instinct tells me she thinks it would be rent free and she would get the best bedroom

[JubileeTrifle]

I think men want their mothers to move in as they can outsource their responsibilities to them.
DH talked frequently about his mother moving in and being ‘helpful’ and how great it would be for me. The reality being I would have someone else to look after and she would have done nothing.
She might be in good health now. What about in 10 years times. If your health isn’t good and what if hers isn’t as well. What does he think that will look like.

[mellicauli]

I wouldn't rely on your husband to tell her the message. Make sure she hears it from her: I am not comfortable with you moving in with us. Sorry, I don't mean to upset you, but I have enough on my plate already and I really value having my own space. If she mentions the ensuite again say haha very funny.

[fswaps]

Terrible idea!

[iRun2eatCake]

@IDontWantToResignMyself

I'm able enough right now with aids and wheelchair (+DH help) but it's a slow decline. I will eventually have carers, I've spoken to DH about this and he knows I don't expect him to do all my care needs so it's not that also with the house adaptations it means I'll have more of my independence back. I.e wet room means I don't need his help getting in and out of the bath, small things like that.

I wouldn't feel comfortable his mum doing my care needs. I'm going to tell her and be blunt like suggested. I'll get back to you all with an update once done wish me luck.

Have you told her yet? @IDontWantToResignMyself

[makingarunforit]

Has she always been lazy and entitled or is this a recent thing?

Why doesn't she work? Does she have several offshore accounts that she doesn't need to worry about the money?

[makingarunforit]

Or......

You could frighten her off and say that you're care needs are going to increase as your progression develops so it might actually be a good idea and you'll investigate that with the council.....

[PermanentTemporary]

She's in her 50s?? She could be having hot dates with youngsters off of that Tinder for crying out loud, not moving in with you and settling into old age.

Anyway, what Strawberry said. Turn it into a running joke. But a really definitely not going to happen one.

As for you being cruel... your dh is being obtuse about what you're already dealing with.

[EyesOnThePies]

OP: you have to be clear and direct.

Next time she brings it up say @I’m not sure where this idea has come from but we haven’t agreed it and it is not actually something we would agree to. We have more than enough going on in our busy household and cannot accommodate more.

Finding a suitable council house which can be adapted and future proofed for my disability is our absolute priority. The council will not provide for family additional extended members. It just isn’t something that will happen on the council list. And no, we will not consider a private rent, for the very reasons we need to move from this house.

We can see how things are in 15 years but for now you are fitter than me and can live independently. Our minds are made up “

[catndogslife]

Late 50s isn't elderly OP.
Having said that when we moved into our first 3 bed home nearly 30 years ago, MIL started dropping similar hints about moving in with us.
Fortunately DH and I both agreed "no way" was that happening.
MIL is still alive now in her late 80s and living in sheltered housing.
If your MIL cannot cope in her own home, most councils have over 55s independent living social housing available.

[liverpoolgal82]

Any update op. We’re you blunt with your MIL?