Wants to move in with us

[IDontWantToResignMyself]

Okay so MIL isn't elderly but I wasn't sure where to post this, I need kind advice rather than the blunt AIBU threads. 😂

I live with DH, I'm physically disabled, my eldest son has a MLD and other disabilities, and my youngest who is fine just very full on. As you can imagine my life can be pretty stressful.

We live near MIL whose in her late 50s. No other family around she choose to go NC with DHs sibling and his other sibling lives hours away so very rarely visits.

Mil started hinting about moving in with us about two years ago, we ignored it at first and hoped she'd get the hint.
She didn't. A while ago I was talking to her about going on the council list as I need a adapted house as I'm slowly getting worse and loosing my mobility.
We rent so my landlord isn't happy to make the adaptations as this isn't our forever home.

She's now mentioning it more & more about how we need to apply for a four bed council house with en-suite for her (I know you don't get en suites with council!) and said she'll bring round her details to add her on.

I've spoken to DH who has said he doesn't mind her moving in, and that it'd make sense so she's not struggling on her own.
I really do not want her to live with us, atm she's 5 minutes away and we see her every day and I find that to much, sometimes I just want to chill in my PJs with DC and switch off in the evenings!
Not to mention ill feel uncomfortable I don't like DTD with DH if we have visitors staying so we can kiss goodbye to what's left of our private life!

He won't tell mil that I'm not comfortable with it, I'm also worried because she's so young we could have another 30 odd years of this.
My eldest is unlikely to live independently so will be with us the majority of his adult life unless he chooses to move into supportive living so I also have to factor this in.

How do I tell mil she can't move in? DH says I'm being cruel. But the way I see it as my mobility and general life is declining I can't be looking after an extra person as well! It's really not fair.

I can see her becoming the matriarch of the household if you and DS are disabled. 50s is young nowadays. And judging by posts DH might support that.

Well in her head it works great, no bills to pay, no rent to pay, no more struggling for her.

She also seems to think I'm made of money as my family are middle class and I'll get inheritance (I won't, because I don't want any inheritance it'll go straight to my dc if I do.) but that's decades off I hope. So maybe that's how she expects the bills to be paid. I don't know.

Im just going to have to be blunt aren't I? And stop this now.

Yes, I think bluntness is the only answer. With your DH, and with your MIL, although I doubt he will, so that might be up to you.
I wouldn’t pretend to be considering it, the sooner she knows it’s not an option, the sooner she, and you, can move on.

So she is going to move in and not contribute to rent and bills etc
stick to your guns and say no

You just say

"NO, MIL. You are fit and well. DH and the kids and I have enough on our plates. right now.
We have no space, energy or time to support more dependents ".

"Why don't you investigate moving closer to us so you can support US more than you do, while still being independent. And having your own bathroom FFS"

Depending on when and where she worked she might be collecting her works pension from age 60. She'll get her state pension from 67. At the moment she's not elderly but of working age. You both need to be looking at her from that viewpoint, she's not in need of care but could be providing it. If she's short of money then rather than having you support her she could get a job. I'm 59, widowed and if anyone said I was "struggling on my own" I'd wet myself laughing.

She has choices in her own life, she doesn't get to make your decisions as well. Forget the hinting and stop trying to avoid awkwardness - ask yourself if this is something you are prepared to make a stand over and then be quite clear about what you want your future to look like. Let it be awkward and uncomfortable and then maybe she'll stop mentioning it.

I live with DH, I'm physically disabled, my eldest son has a MLD and other disabilities, and my youngest who is fine just very full on.

How able are you?

Is DH concerned about caring for you and your sons on his own, so he’s thinking his mum can help?

Four bed council houses are rarer than hens teeth. If this is what you apply for you will wait many years and meanwhile your own , increasing needs won’t be met.

I'm able enough right now with aids and wheelchair (+DH help) but it's a slow decline. I will eventually have carers, I've spoken to DH about this and he knows I don't expect him to do all my care needs so it's not that also with the house adaptations it means I'll have more of my independence back. I.e wet room means I don't need his help getting in and out of the bath, small things like that.

I wouldn't feel comfortable his mum doing my care needs. I'm going to tell her and be blunt like suggested. I'll get back to you all with an update once done wish me luck.

No way. We have MIL with us but she's 78 and in the early stages of dementia. She has the master bedroom with ensuite. Eventually hoping to move somewhere with a downstairs bedroom and bathroom for her. It works at the moment with me and DH looking after her and me biting my tongue. I've got chronic fatigue but mild to moderate.

Yes - total bluntness. No “putting her/him off the idea”.

If she seriously thinks she can live with you cost-free, she’s deluded.

Next time she mentions it I'd laugh and treat it as a joke. If she perseveres I'd say, 'oh, but you're still so young - I thought you were joking! Oh no, I'm afraid that wouldn't work for us'. And then change the subject.
Don't get drawn into long debates about why it wouldn't work, just keep saying no and change the subject.
I'm older than your MIL and I'd be appalled at the thought of moving in with any of my adult dcs and relinquishing my independence.
My MIL lived with us for the last 3 years of her life - she died aged 90. If she'd moved in with us in her late 50s we'd have had her with us for over 30 years!!😱

"That's so kind of you to offer to be my live in carer! It wouldn't work though, as we are all very set in our own ways. Much better for me to get paid care in, when we get to that point. Hopefully we'll be able to get an adapted house soon, as that will make it easier."

She's clearly not understood the reality of the situation, and your husband is no better. Pair of muppets.

I suspect you tend to downplay your needs from a combination of pride and determination. Time to start doing the opposite- highlight your struggles, and your increasing need for support from others, rather than additional pressures on you. People like your husband and MiL need to recognise the impact on you, not be allowed to let it slip past them because of your determination and independence.

How on earth is she managing her day to day living costs ?
Too young for a pension and not working.

(From experience with my Mother) please don't come up with a 'reason' which isn't the reason.

You don't want to live with your MiL. That is enough.

Just tell your husband that it is never happening and your MiL is more than capable of supporting herself. And when she can't, she can go into a home.

If you are passive over this op you will fuck your life up.

I absolutely 100% agree with this.

If you give a reason which isn’t the real reason, MIL might come up with something to overcome it - and then where will you be? Having to find another reason which also isn’t the real reason.

Tell the truth: you don’t want another adult living with your family in your house. Especially one who appears not to want to contribute in any way!

Speaking as someone who's mum did move in, temporarily, and nearly crashed our marriage, do not agree to this. Not at all. MIL needs to sort out her own accommodation.

Suggest she gets a lodger. To experience living with someone and helping with the bills.....

I cannot believe the woman is only 50 ish. My God she is just a baby really and should be enjoying the prime of her life! Is she ill in any way other than arthritis? What does she live on if she doesn't work, I'm curious about that. Maybe it's benefits of some sort. They might disappear if she lives with family, I don't know but something to be aware of maybe, or to SCREAM at her more like lol!

I would just laugh and say "nice joke MIL" and make tea.

No. No. No.

No.

Just no.

Your DH needs to be with you on this. I can't believe he's even considering having his mum to live with you, given her young age and also your circumstances. Does she have a lot of influence/control over him? I'd honestly lose the plot if DP so much as hinted at having his mother to live with us. The very fact he didn't comprehend in the first place what a terrible idea it was would make me extremely upset.

Oh my god. No no no no no!!

THIS!!

Your DH is an idiot. You're disabled, one of the DC has significant extra needs, why not bring a lazy freeloader with no grip on reality into the house?! That'll make things better!

Er maybe don't put things that harshly to DH! Just stick to Absolutely Not!

And - like many PPs on the Elderly Parents board - I too am in my late 50s, and though I am lucky enough to be retired, that's the result of financial good fortune - I'd still be working just fine otherwise.

I wouldn't feel comfortable his mum doing my care needs. I'm going to tell her and be blunt like suggested. I'll get back to you all with an update once done wish me luck

Definitely wishing you luck OP. Sound like she needs to get a job or find someone else to sponge off.

50's is young im 54 im a widow on my own id
not dream of expecting to move in with my kids. If shes struggling why doesnt she get a job like the rest of us.

If she can walk further than you, she can work.

I agree with you @Ladyofthelake53. I'm the same age as you.

OP I'd start sending her job adverts