Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

MIL is now installed in a care home. So far this week she's had two remarkably good days, where she ate and slept and drank, and generally acted like someone with 'regular' dementia, ie had nothing coherent to say, and didn't really recognise me or DS when we showed up without FIL or DH to anchor us to her remaining sense of who's who. But she wasn't abusive or aggressive, realised that we belonged to her somehow, and only seemed mildly delirious when falling asleep.
The other days were pretty horrendous. Which is normal for her.

@DahliaMacNamara Is the new place easier to travel to than the hospital?
@Fantasea I often wonder how you and DD are coping with your near neighbour.

@Mum5net , it's much easier. And although it's not possible to get outside the front door unsupervised, MIL no longer comes across locked doors at every turn, which is one less thing to become repeatedly agitated about.

Heres hoping @DahliaMacNamara you get a little bit of stability and regain equilibrium after your prolonged ride on the roller coaster.

That sounds like a good start dahlia. It must be a relief.

Having got over the first large hurdle of sending in the will tracked and signed, ( what happens if the post office people lose it ) and submitting the probate form, I was hoping for a bit of space, but no.

I'm now getting further documentation explaining what to do next. Generally this seems to involve a form to complete when I get the grant of probate. It's all a bit frazzling. I am praying I haven't made any errors with the paperwork.

I like my postman, but am dreading hearing the click of the garden gate in the morning!

Just a quick update to say sadly mum passed away yesterday almost 2 years ago she was diagnosed with alzheimer's and vascular dementia
Her dementia was at the advanced stage at the end she was bed bound unable to speak or even turn over so may she now rest in peacex
we now begin the journey many of you are on of arranging funeral selling house applying for probate etc etc. I already am feeling frazzled
Sorry for everyone foung through all of thisxx

@orangetriangle Like you I lost my mother some time before she died but it's still hard at the end. I'm a maker of lists and I'm sure that's what got me through all the stuff that needed to be done.

@Words One of the banks sent me a link to their online portal to complete things once I had the letters of administration. By the time that came back the link didn't work. It expires after what once must have seemed a very long time but these days isn't long enough to get the paperwork back. That was another panic and phone call that I could have done without.

So sorry to read your update @orangetriangle

My Mum seems happy and settled in the home, which is good. However I'm finding it hard to watch her now live a life that she would never have wanted and my elderly Dad is now living at home alone.

I'm sorry about your mum, @orangetriangle.
Everything seems to continue to be all-consuming, doesn't it? The (s)admin, the worry, the grief...it has us all in a stranglehold.

Sorry for your loss@orangetriangle

Sorry for your loss @orangetriangle

Sorry for your loss @orangetriangle sending love

@orangetriangle sorry, I'm sending you a big hug 🤗

@orangetriangle I'm sorry that your mum has died. I hope you are able to remember good times and her living life to the full 🌼

So sorry @orangetriangle. Be kind to yourself and sit down a lot if you can.

thanks for your kind words everyone it's hard with everything you have to sort out also including selling mums house etc
The wait for funeral in our area is long I dont think funeral will be much before April it's all the waiting its awful

@orangetriangle I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm learning that it's a marathon and not a sprint, there's wisdom in pacing yourself and doing little but often. I had 2 hours at Dad's house today and came away feeling incredibly overwhelmed so I'm glad that my DD's said enough and made me leave.

I took my mum to see her GP & while I was there told the GP about my DMs depression & anxiety. GP will not give DM antidepressants or anything for anxiety because she is already taking so many tablets heart & blood pressure issues & GP said they would interact. Instead she has suggested counselling. Don't know how I'm going to get DM to see a counsellor.

Morning everyone. Little and often is very wise advice. I wish I could be stricter with myself on that one.

My day job is ramping up too- I worked over 50 hours last week on top of everything else in an effort to meet deadlines. I am beginning to feel the wrong side of OK, but am strict about carving out time to exercise and just get fresh air in my lungs each day, whatever the other pressures are.

Today I am initiating a difficult conversation with my manager about priorities and workload. She is a very strange mix of kind hearted and process driven bureaucrat so that will be interesting.

I think because I seemed to cope so well in the immediate aftermath of the death- when they could not have been more compassionate and flexible- they assume it's now business as usual, and as we all know, it's really not.

The CQC have been brilliant in relation to the safeguarding enquiry ( I contacted them privately to ensure they were aware of the gravity of the situation) in the days leading up to Mum's death and will be sending an inspector to the case conference in a couple of weeks. I had to search through my phone to send the injury pictures in, which was awful. It's not how I want to remember my mother at all.

And if I hear one more person explain that probate is really easy as they did it for their Great Uncle Frank who had an ISA and a current account, I will explode. Yes, the process is not difficult to grasp, but the level of work and stress very much depends on how complex the estate is.

At least there is a will, and they set up PoA. The enormity of the consequences without those doesn't bear thinking about.

@orangetriangle sorry for your loss. Thinking of you at this difficult time.

@MissMarplesNiece I think my mum is likely to be offered counselling for alcoholism and grief. Not convinced it will work. She's tried before and I think she's of the generation that doesn't talk about their issues! Hope you can get your DM there and it has some impact.

Hello all, checking in.

DF (82, Alzheimer’s) has been in his care home less than a year and they can’t meet his needs any more so he will need to move to a nursing home. Tough to hear this yesterday for me, DM and DBro.

@SheilaFentiman DMil has moved twice. Never easy.

Had a wry laugh when I got the latest Costco email in my inbox. Costco members offered LPOA for £100 and discounted will writing services via a third party. My DParents loved Costco. Maybe that might have coaxed them to make provision. Wasn't to be but just putting it out there if that helps anyone else...

thank you new mum

Relieved mum didnt have to move to a nursing home in short time she was in care home though she was bed bound for the last month of so of her life
We looked at another a so called posher one straight away they said they couldnt meet her needs
The one she was in was old and a bit tatty but clean and I really couldnt fault them for the 3 months she was there mum went through a stage where she wailed constantly but nothing seemed to phase them cant thank them enough really
sometimes it's about getting the right fit and I'm not sure it's always these all singing and dancing ones all the activities etc were too late for my mum mainly

We're plodding on.
Care assessment has been done, mum apparently still has full capacity.
Any 'memory problems' are the GP's problem, social worker can't talk to GP without mum's consent
Dad had chest pain last weekend, my mum rang me laughing that he was crying with pain and she'd told him to shut the f up and take a paracetamol.
Care visits are 2 a day, social worker wishes to stress that this isn't because of a care need but because of mum's behaviour towards dad.
Social worker says mum's needs are medical, GP says mums needs are social care.
Dad has multiple physical needs but is so determined that he doesn't require personal care.. social worker won't be discussing the needs with the district nurses that come in twice a week, dad won't consent.
Neither of them will do POA because apparently we can put them in a home if they do.
All feels like going round in circles.

@Lightuptheroom that sounds very difficult! Nothing I can say to make it better except try and make sure you take care of yourself whilst dealing with all the crap! I'm early in the journey with my mum but already realising that keeping my own head and looking after myself first is key.