Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Badger- what paperwork are you waiting for? I just had the green form to take from the registrar to the undertaker to release the body. The medical examiner at the hospital sent the paperwork direct to the registrar to register the death, and that was all I needed for that part of the process.

Good luck

The undertaker said that they're waiting for a cremation form from the GP which I thought was odd as they've already got the green form from the Registrar.

As if there isn't enough paperwork to wade through when they're still with us. At least then it feels like we're doing something that will benefit them.
I'm sorry to hear about the latest losses. Cockroach cafe can be an awfully grim place to live.
Hoping that MIL will be able to leave hospital for a nursing home next week, now that that particular administrative mountain has been scaled. There was a lot of pressure to get her moved, but not much help in finding a home that would actually take her. Though no doubt there is more to come. I feel some trepidation about this, but at least it's not an hour away, and it's within a distance FIL is happy to drive himself, which gives DH a bit more free time in the evenings for part of the week.

Badger - not sure about that then. :(

While it resolves, may I prescribe a cuddle with those spaniels of yours?

And cake. Always cake.

@DahliaMacNamara hope all goes to plan

I’m on the other side of the world but it is so heartening to read about other’s experiences. My Dad is so deeply depressed and I can’t believe the ‘care’ he is getting. My brother who also is POA
( Power of Attorney over here) disagrees because he can’t be bothered. The relationship between my brother and I has almost broken down over this and I literally can’t think of how or what to do. So, although these stories are gut wrenching they give me some solace that others are here with me. ♥️🪳

💛

There’s more paperwork for a cremation than for a burial because if concerns are raised later there’s no possibility of an autopsy.

Hello all, been MIA for a while- sending good wishes to all.
DM just returned from hospital stay- her first( bar a planned hip op) in 60 plus years…. Excellent care.
just want to report back on the powerful phrase oft repeated here “ unsafe discharge” which did work with medics and discharge team.
Also, gp and the hospital made us aware of the respect form for patients wishes;
www.resus.org.uk/respect/respect-patients-and-carers
cockroach all

Morning all I've been absent drowning in paperwork since DM passed 6 weeks ago. I have finally got all of the valuations from the banks so I am passing it over to the solicitor. I had to call 3 before I could find one who could see me before the end of March!

I was tempted to apply for probate myself but I am worried about making a mistake and not getting the correct advice on the Nil Rate Band allowance as mum was a widow. I have found the solicitors vary very much in price from £1150 to almost 3K!

Next step is to order a headstone for the cremation plot. Not something I want to rush so I will take my time deciding what I want on it. She has a lovely resting space in the new part of the cemetery which has a beautiful view down to the sea on a clear day. It is very peaceful there which is what she would want.

Sending cockraochy good wishes to all of you who are struggling.

@OnthePisteAgain it's so difficult and complicated isn't it?!! Sounds like you are making good progress.

My mum wasn't picking up the phone last night and my niece has been over this morning and says she's drunk and still going. We haven't got anyone who can be with her so I just have to keep checking in by phone. Hard to know whether to move her but if I do, I'll still have the problem and no niece to help!! Plus the potential impact on my marriage. Such joy 😳

Well my user name says it all!

DF and DM live nearby - they have some help from me but mostly they have been pretty independent.

DF was rushed into hospital on Sunday with sepsis. He has loads of other things wrong as well. After a couple of days ITU he was transferred to a ward and they want to discharge him today although he is a shadow of the man he was last week.

We have no shower etc equipment for him ( not been needed to date). I am far from convinced that he can cope with personal care himself although the OTs say he can...

I've just had a pretty robust discussion with the physio who was under the impression that DM would be able to cook for him. I pointed out the DF had actually been doing the cooking recently as DM can't actually bend, twist or reach up so although she can indeed cook, she needs help to get the items she needs out of the fridge etc.

I've refused to have him home today as I think a discharge without the basics in place with be unsafe for him so it's now scheduled for tomorrow with a therapist to assess him at home. As far as the hospital is concerned I am "unavailable" as I'm pretty sure if they thought I was, the accompanying therapist and equipment wouldn't show up until Monday.

To be honest I am really expecting him to turn up tomorrow alone with no support in place.

So sorry @SoHereWeGo . Have some and some

Well. I took the plunge and submitted the probate application this afternoon, and finally sorted first stage of informing the online institutions too.

Immense relief.

There was one appalling moment when my cat 🐈‍⬛ jumped on the keyboard - and erased the most complex one of the lot.

Readers, I swore.

I've forgiven him now though and will settle down by the wood burner with him and lots of therapeutic

@SoHereWeGo will be a hard week that’s for sure
@Words For someone dreading the paperwork, that’s a huge dent. Far more impressive than us.
I’m not the Executor but today started preparing the documents needed for DSis meeting with solicitor. OPG work concluded, though. DSis and I don’t live close and she has builders in. But I am keen to get it off our desks and onto those who can move it along.

Kind of you to say @Mum5net. I just couldn't bear that awful doomy feeling of guilt that goes with avoiding an important task any longer. There was no getting around it so I just seized the moment. It didn't take anything like as long as I feared.

Getting the paperwork properly organised that first weekend made things so much easier.
Glad you are making progress too.

Emotionally I feel OK on the surface but I am having some very weird flashback type dreams about it all, unsurprisingly. My subconscious is working it through I think.

Cockroachy greetings to everyone.

Will we continue to refer to “paperwork” when it’s all on-line? In the same way that people still talk about “pulling the chain”?

@MereDintofPandiculation Will we continue to refer to “paperwork” when it’s all on-line?

It's all admin and it all terrifies me!

I heard it referred to as "sadmin" which says it all really. If you're me you print it out anyway, if I'm going toe to toe with the taxman I'm happier with a paper record rather than something electronic that might go pouff.

It's over a year since mum died and I'm still having dreams where I have to stop her driving and return her to a home she doesn't think she lives in. I'm hoping that these will stop when the house is sold (I'm told that 16 weeks is normal now for a house sale)

'Sadmin' is a great word for it!

Great kudos to those of you gripping probate. I thought I had found everything and was good to go, but unearthed £50,000 in premium bonds plus around £10K in a National Savings bond. DH is going to go through it all. My understanding is that we have £325K x 2, including my Dad’s allowance, which wasn’t used, plus £175K x 2 for the house, before we get into IHT territory. Must check under the mattress for cash next time I’m back…

'Sadmin' is fabulous. I will use that from now on!

@DorisParchment - yes that was what I was advised also. I am fortunate to have an excellent and extremely helpful local solicitor who was quite happy to offer free advice on a number of points including this one - but obviously check this out for yourself if you are at that stage of sadmin.

So, as I understand it, no Inheritance Tax if estate less than a million for the remaining partner of a married couple.

I didn't understand that at all at first and was beginning to eye, with considerable trepidation, the enormous form required if IHT was due.

@Words @DorisParchment What I'm finding amazing is all the assumptions about probate. It's just assumed that we applied for it when my parents owned everything except the debt jointly. I'm just amazed because surely it's pretty much the same for every married couple?!! It has been super easy in that sense.

Morning.

I’ve posted in the past after losing DF suddenly in sept and moving DM into a care home whilst awaiting a dementia diagnosis.

Unfortunately this never happened as mum passed away almost 2 weeks ago on the day it was to happen. Maybe she knew…..

Anyway, all mum’s money has been frozen and we’ve applied for probate.
My sibling and I are the executors and have also put the house on the market.

I feel so mercenary- almost grabby yet we have no choice but to do this.

I understand I need to take any bills to the bank for them to pay direct. I’m afraid this has all fallen on my shoulders as sibling ‘works’.
Any advice gratefully received 😢

@Borntobeamum 💐 I'm so sorry. It's a lot of loss in a short time.

You're just looking after your Mum's affairs. You two are the only people she would want to do that. It's not grabby.

I kept a pile of sadmin next to my chair and just kept picking a letter or note off it to deal with whenever I felt able. Then is write on it the date, what id done and anything left to do. I had a basic folder to put 'finished' things into.

Emotions run high at the moment- try not to resent your sibling. Get the funeral done and allow yourself all the time you need.

The trigger for probate is often an ISA because you can't hold them jointly. Even if "everything" is in joint names that won't be. If it's small enough the bank might pay it out anyway but there again, they might not. In my marriage we had his/mine/ours for current accounts and savings because one of us was a spender and one a saver. In my case it was better to go through probate than argue over who'd spent silly money on X.

@Borntobeamum I'm sorry that you've lost both parents so close together, what a year for you. Looking after another house has been a source of worry for me - is there a leak, did the roof blow away? It's the last thing outstanding with mum's estate and I hope that when it's finally sold I'll stop with the unsettling dreams. It is your role as executor to distribute the estate and if neither of you want the house then you have to sell it. It's not grabby, it's another job that needs to be done. The longer you leave it, the more bills the estate will be paying and the longer it will be until you can put it behind you and get on with your life. I wish now I'd pulled my finger out and got the estate agent in sooner, it felt like such a big step and I might have put it off another month or three if my son hadn't picked up the phone and called them.

@DorisParchment As part of the clear out I found mum's "missing" premium bonds, carefully stored and labelled. I did wonder if she'd had a win over the eighty years but the payment from NS&I of £38 would suggest not. She'd have been so pleased that I found them though.

Great advice here.

I have found that some larger institutions say they will pay out pre probate if the balance is relatively modest. Others will insist on probate and a third category would pay out on modest balances but if you are applying for probate in respect of other funds, they will insist you wait.

This doesn't make much sense to me so am waiting to see what happens in reality. Maybe it has something to do with how much the banks are indemnified for?

Often the people in branch and manning the phone lines are relatively junior, and I have had conflicting answers from the same institution several times.