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Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

989 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/09/2022 19:58

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
Knotaknitter · 28/01/2023 11:29

I'm really sorry @Badger1970

I didn't really realise how my life was wrappped around mum's needs until it wasn't any more

OnthePiste · 28/01/2023 12:04

So sorry for your loss @Badger1970 remember your lovely dad in the many good times you had together.

Malbecfan · 28/01/2023 14:57

So sorry @Badger1970

thesandwich · 28/01/2023 15:37

I’m so sorry @Badger1970 Thinking of you🌺🌺

Fantasea · 28/01/2023 23:55

@Badger1970 so sorry for your loss, sending love Xxx

Words · 29/01/2023 07:37

@Badger1970.

I am so very sorry Flowers. Take care xx

TheIoWfairy · 29/01/2023 16:54

Sorry, @Badger1970 💐

Badger1970 · 29/01/2023 16:59

DahliaMacNamara · 28/01/2023 11:16

So sorry to read your news, Badger. We're never ready for the end, even when we expect it, not really.

This is so true. For the last 5 months, our every thought has been related to Dad's care/wellbeing and suddenly there is this huge black void. It feels mad to say that I think I feel a bit shellshocked that we're here, that's it, all over.

Thank you all, it's been so comforting to share among others who are treading the same road.

seanbeanmarryme · 29/01/2023 17:24

Sorry for your loss @Badger1970 x

orangetriangle · 30/01/2023 20:27

sorry for your loss badgerxx

Words · 31/01/2023 06:58

I know what you mean about the void, badger. I spent several decades sorting elder care with all its emotional and practical crises and stresses. My Dad was older than Mum, so it went in sequence. It's strange that that responsibility is now gone.

Everything is just about ready for the funeral tomorrow. I have just read the eulogy written by the minister from info supplied by me. He has done a marvellous job based on info I supplied. I wrote and delivered Dad's, but this was no easy task, hence the outsourcing.

I feel immensely relieved.

Badger1970 · 31/01/2023 10:17

I hope it goes well @Words. My sister and I don't agree on much but we're both too battle scarred to go through a funeral at the moment and doing it for family who weren't there for Dad when he needed them. So we're having a direct cremation, and then having his ashes interred our Nan's grave in the village where he was born. We can then include immediate family, we both said it would be nice in the spring with the daffodils all out in the churchyard.

Mum5net · 31/01/2023 11:06

Will think of you tomorrow @WordsWell done the minister, that's a big relief. Keep being kind to yourself.

@Badger1970 we're both too battle scarred to go through a funeral at the moment and doing it for family who weren't there for Dad when he needed them. Entirely get this. In November, my DSis and I just told our DB that a Direct cremation was happening for DM and didn't give him the opportunity to disagree.. DB absolutely insisted on a funeral for DF that wasn't DF's wishes and we were not going to give him the option to repeat. Be good to yourself, too. Keep warm and eat cake.

Words · 31/01/2023 11:24

@Badger1970 - that sounds a very fitting plan for your father. I love the thought of the daffodils too.

Thanks @Mum5net. "keep warm and eat cake" is a perfect motto for the Cockroach Cafe, and a piece of advice I am fulfilling wholeheartedly.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 31/01/2023 20:16

Not a bad motto for a cockroach either.

OP posts:
Mum5net · 01/02/2023 12:45

Some good news for a change. I am free after nearly eight years of the OPG. Today a 'final' certificate arrived in the post bringing to an end the need for my doing annual financial accounts and presenting DM's receipts, bank statements etc with a cheque for the privilege of them going through it all line by line. I've been so resentful of this task, hugely annoyed with DF & DM for refusing POA. Truly, if you yourself, or your DParents, haven't got POA please get it done. It's such a hideous and unnecessarily expensive and time consuming faff to go through OPG.

In fairness to the OPG, they reached DM's 2021 annual review in January 2023, after the typical eight month delay but kindly tagged the final 'year of death' accounts onto the same job ticket. If they hadn't been as thoughtful, then it would have been September 2023 before we could have got the sign off and without it we couldn't even consider the next stage of probate.

As you were.
@Words Hopefully your day also going as well as it can

Badger1970 · 01/02/2023 14:34

@Words also thinking of you today. I hope things go well.

@Mum5net that sounds like a huge weight off your shoulders.

DahliaMacNamara · 01/02/2023 21:56

@Words , I hope everything today went as you planned.

Words · 02/02/2023 06:27

Thank you everyone. Yesterday went really well. Not many there, but it was a lovely service with plenty of laughter and the vicar did a splendid job of glossing over the tricky bits. I bet they are used to it!

One of my lovely friends offered to be at my house when I got back, then went back home and brought round a delicious casserole for dinner as I hadn't thought beyond the funeral.

@Mum5net I feel sick at the thought of all that paperwork for so long. The stress was bad enough with a PoA in place. Thank goodness you are now free of it, OPH have been sensible for once and the process will hopefully be more straightforward from now. CakeBrew

I have already had my first fraud attempt. A call from a genuine back call centre number yesterday ( timing no coincidence ) whose content seemed very off. I gave no information thankfully but he oddly gave me a mobile number to call should I need to. A google search showed the number was linked to a scam.

Cockroach all.

Badger1970 · 02/02/2023 19:23

@Words I'm glad it went well, and that sounds like a lovely friend.

PermanentTemporary · 03/02/2023 15:48

@Words I'm so glad it went well, I was thinking of you and @Badger1970 while at the nursing home today. Hope the bumps and troughs start to settle over the coming weeks.

Badger1970 · 03/02/2023 17:18

I registered Dad's death today with the Registrar. Still feeling horribly numb about the whole thing. And not quite sure what on earth to do with myself.

PermanentTemporary · 03/02/2023 17:41

Have you considered bereavement counselling @Badger1970?

I have to say I think walking was the single most helpful thing after a big bereavement for me. Well, that and incredible amounts of massage.

Badger1970 · 03/02/2023 18:18

I'm seeing someone via the hospice that Dad spent a month in, they've been amazing and actually I wonder if talking it through for the last few months has helped me kind of process things... the anticipatory grief was certainly worse than the actual grief is for me.

I walk miles Grin i've got 2 very active and slightly mad spaniels so walking has always been my therapy. Though I've got a terrible habit of walking for miles without realising how far i've gone and then realising I need to walk back again!

PermanentTemporary · 03/02/2023 18:38

Oh that's great news about the walking 🐕 x