Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

So pleased to see your update @words and so glad you are getting support @badger

Thank you @thesandwich

@Badger1970 walking is great therapy, you're right. I share a border collie with my ex, so I do a lot of miles too. Dogs ( and cats ) are the very best therapists. They just know somehow. I find walking in woodland and around trees especially comforting, and spring with all the birdsong is now just around the corner.

Had a call yesterday from the social worker involved in the safeguarding investigation. There are questions for the hospital as well as the home so it will take some time.

Hello,
Can I join you please?
My Dad is very ill in hospital and they have withdrawn treatment & started on palliative care.
The hospital ward is really struggling due to the current crisis in the NHS and we are now to get him a place in a good nursing home for end of life care.
When i'm not working or looking after my children I am there with him.
I'm so sad. He's been the best Dad anyone could ask for and my lovely Mum is devastated, so looking after her too at this very sad time.

I am just wondering if anyone has any advice really. What should I ask the nursing homes? What will make him most comfortable. Are we allowed to ask the Drs to speed his journey up for him, so he can be out of pain and sleep?
I'm just so sad and exhausted.

Thanks.

PS: Sorry if my last question was insensitive. I just so want him to be peaceful and pain free.

@HerbalTeaAndCake sorry you’re having to join us. And we get it….. any question allowed. No experience of end of life care- other wiser ones will be along soon.
what about hospice care? Is there one in your area? They are marvellous places.
ask local gps/ Facebook groups for care recommendations- check cqc reports. Also local authority adult social care.
and please look after yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Sorry you’re having to go through this

What should I ask the nursing homes? Don’t look for good facilities, he doesn’t need them and they’re not necessarily indicative of good care. Look for a good manager, happy staff. See how the staff treat other residents. Personally, I’d go for a small home where all the staff know all the residents. If a larger home, one which is divided into units. Even at his stage, continuity of care will be a comfort. Look for a manager who is hands on - is she visible around the home, talking to both staff and residents?

Also check the official inspections on-line, go for “good” or “outstanding”.

A home close to you will make life easier for you.

If it’s end -of-life, can you get him a place in a hospice?

You should also apply for fast track CHC funding unless his income/savings are such that the LA will pay (house doesn’t come into it because your Mum still needs it)

Are we allowed to ask the Drs to speed his journey up for him, so he can be out of pain and sleep? Shipman has put paid to speeding up journeys, but you can ask for adequate pain relief.

@HerbalTeaAndCake

• ask if anticipatory medications have been prescribed- things like midazolam for agitation, morphine for breathlessness - they make these prescriptions before someone is actually dying so they can be used straight away
• check they won't treat infections even if 'for comfort' (that's what the anticipatory medications are for)
• go for the nursing home that is nearest and easiest to visit either for your mum or you, and preferably one where you like the manager

-id agree about a small home if you can find one

Thank you so much for the advice re: homes that's really helpful.

I asked for hospice care but they are full and palliative care say he's not in last few days.

Although he can hardly eat or drink anything & they can no longer use the drip as is causing other issues.

He has funding in place for 24hr nursing care. So I figure this must be better than the hospital ward he's on. Just looking on the care home comparison site just now & there seem to be a few with good ratings. But I'm sure they will be full. Going to ring around today.

Thanks 💛

@HerbalTeaAndCake my Dad went into a nursing home from a hospice as they said 3 to 6 months life expectancy. The reality was that Dad died within 28 days.. and the poor nursing care was a big factor in this. The facilities as others have said are irrelevant, at EOL your Dad is going to be mainly based in his room. It's the nurses you need to check out carefully and their experience of EOL care. There were 2 great ones at Dad's home but the rest were foreign, newly qualified or agency... and the care was sadly only ever as good as the nurse on duty. We only had one offer a place due to funding and in hindsight, I desperately regret not finding one privately because we could have funded it ourselves given the timespace.

Also make sure that you get the community palliative care team on board - they are experts in supporting families and worth their weight in gold if you get issues. I'm sorry you're going through this.

In terms of pain relief, there are so many medications for comfort at this stage. Don't be afraid to make sure that these are prescribed in hospital as nursing homes rely on GP's and there can often be delays in sorting this. That's also where the community palliative care team come into their own too. And make sure that they have injectable as well as oral medications - they keep using oral meds as long as they're able to.

@Badger1970 thank you for sharing that experience. I have been told the palliative care team will come out to him. Will definitely ask about EOL care experience.

He's on a morphine patch i. Hospital at the moment and they are giving something orally too.

desperately regret not finding one privately because we could have funded it ourselves given the timespace.There’s no guarantee it would have been better. More money doesn’t usually translate into better staff/fewer agency staff. Keep telling yourself this. It does no-one any good to load yourself with guilt.

Joining the group! My DF passed away in November leaving my DM on her own. She has been going through the process of dementia assessment and had her appointment at the memory clinic yesterday. No diagnosis yet & suspect it might be come back in 6 months due to the bereavement. I live 3 hours away from her with my DH and 4 yo DS. Apart from me, there is a step family. My niece is there doing all she can and I go up to sort things out where needed. She is struggling with the loneliness although she is going out and we are trying to keep her positive. The biggest risk is that she has a problematic relationship with alcohol, drinking more than she should and starting to sneak the empties out and lie to us about it. It's a shit situation and I feel torn between her and my own family and life/work. We could try and move her closer but she would lose all her social life which is actually pretty good. I'm trying to come to terms with it all ATM!

Welcome @Newmum738. sorry you’re in the situation that so many of us find ourselves in. Feeling torn is very very common. My brother and I keep reminding ourselves of what mum (and dad) would have said when they were our age, what their hopes were for us and our lives. They would have been very firm that they would not have wanted us to give up or disrupt our lives. We’re at a compromise that mum seems happy with at the moment - ironically it’s more work for us to keep travelling to see her at weekends than it would be if she was nearer to one of us, but she’s not really aware of that.

Things are moving on with mum and not in a good way. DB1 took her to his for a few days as she was very down and it's meant he's been able to spot some more issues. DB2 and I are going to be looking at care homes over the next few weeks so we have a short list ready when we need it. We thought she might be able to stay at home with support for another year or 2 but, among other things, her food storage habits are causing a rodent problem and there are now personal hygiene issues as well so it may be much sooner.

My mum died recently after a stay in hospital. She was put on an urgent discharge plan. My brother had already visited a local nursing home and our choice was accepted. The care was amazing. Mum was only there for a week, conscious for three days before entering the active dying stage. The staff cared for her, and for us. I'm sorry but I will not hear any negativity about staff from overseas. The home manager is from Romania and her deputy for Poland. They made sure Mum was comfortable and safe. They made sure we ate and drank. They recognised when I was low on resilience and they helped me to take breaks and look after myself. One carer cried with me after she died. Mum wasn't a long term resident, they had no chance to get to know her. But they cared.

So sorry for your loss@Snowsquonk .🌺

Not sure my DF is going to make it into the lovely nursing home we've selected and are waiting to get the all clear for. I'm so sorry about your mum 💛

@Snowsquonk I'm sorry for your loss.

@HerbalTeaAndCake I'm also sorry to hear about your Dad.

Thanks Badger. It's been going on for weeks now. I'm so sad & tired. He's sleeping a lot now. So I feel he must be getting near to the final snooze 💔

 for all those recently bereaved or in the midst of it all, and @Snowsquonk what wonderful care both you and your Mum received.

I had a hideous day yesterday. I am back at work and everything is full on. I needed to be in the office in a nearby city so took the (possibly stupid) decision to tour the banks in between meetings with the documentation needed to suspend accounts and start the process; thinking this might be speedier than the online option. I had called them all previously and none had an appointments system.

Even mid morning and mid afternoon, the queues were substantial and I was time constrained . Very stressful. But at least I can tick that off the list, hurrah.

I can't imagine what all this must be like in the midst of an unexpected or exceptionally traumatic loss, I really can't.

@HerbalTeaAndCake yes I noticed that Dad was really sleeping a lot more during his last 2 weeks. The Dr explained the process so we weren't worried by it, but it was horribly draining to just sit there. I'm still exhausted 2 weeks on from Dad dying and have that awful "bone tired" feeling still. It's so tough

@Words you sound incredibly organised - I feel like I'm wading through treacle with trying to sort things out. We're still waiting for the GP surgery to send the form to the undertakers - they've had 2 weeks tomorrow for a piece of paper. I'm getting really stressed knowing that Dad's in a fridge while they're faffing

@Badger1970 I remember the wait for bits of paper. In our case the undertaker was pretty good about getting on with any arrangements they could in the meantime. Then we were ready to go as soon as paperwork arrived. After all, Dad was hardly not going to need a funeral after all!