I want to throw in the towel please help

[LeeMucklowesCurtains]

I’m sorry if this is disjointed and makes no sense.

My dad has been in a care home since December last year, vascular dementia.

The place he’s in is £1200 a week. He’s got a flat to sell that’s on the market for 125 and about 40k in savings.

He moved to the home hes in a couple of months ago, he was in another home at first that the local authority put him into after the hospital admission where he was finally diagnosed with dementia after I had to put up a fight (he was quite far gone, but despite that, medical professionals kept telling me he was fine).

That home was awful, they were shut for a month due to covid so we couldn’t see him. When we did, he had lost stones in weight, he was covered in sores and bruises.

We found somewhere better and he’s gained all the weight back there and is doing better.

We were trying to set up deferred payment, I don’t know what happened but things have been lost in translation with the finance side and they called sent me an invoice for the 12,000 he owes since being there and said they would start legal proceedings if it wasn’t paid.

I managed to sort that out and we are speaking to them again trying to set up deferred payment (I took my eye off the ball as I’ve been going through cancer investigations) but I’m so confused going forward.

Going with the care home as it’s interest free for deferred payment rather than the council.

His flat has been on the market 6 weeks, I’m terrified something will go wrong and it won’t sell. The market here is awful.

When I was speaking to them today I was asking about worst case - he doesn’t get the money etc.

Apparently I signed a form as guarantor. I can’t remember what I signed, it was the day before a scan I was having and I was terrified and my dad was sat in the room screaming and hallucinating and I just wanted him moved in there and out of the place that had neglected him.

My husband has hit the roof over that, what if something went wrong and we lost the little we do have because of my dad.

We’ve only just managed to buy our first house in our 40s with a massive struggle, we don’t have a pot to piss in to be frank, what if they came after me for money?

I’m so stressed that honestly, at this moment i just want to revoke the power of attorney, call adult social care and make it their problem. They can move him where they like, sell his house and keep all his money, I can’t do this anymore.

I don’t know what I am doing, I am so sick and it’s all just me, no one will explain anything or help me. Everyone just wants things from me all the time.9

I’ve not even done anything about stuff like his council tax, I don’t know how to sign his shit old car over to me. I need to keep it as it’s all he talks about all the tim and if he didn’t see it on my drive once a week when he comes here, it would cause him so much distress.

He only completed on his flat in December. The sale of his last place and buying this flat near me took almost a year because of the other people in the chain messing around - he was showing no signs of dementia when he was first moving here, he deteriorated so fast. so land registry isn’t even in his name yet which is what caused the problems with the care home and the deferred payment - they didn’t believe it was his to sell. I’ve sent them relevant paperwork.

Everything is such a huge mess and I don’t know what to do. I can’t cope with it all and seeing him like this.

I’ve spoken to three solicitors who have all told me different things too.

And age U.K. which is who everyone recommends to talk to we’re all but useless and told me something different to everyone else too.

They have backdated the deferred payment to the day he moved there. Got the bank manger to thank for that one.

It must be a great weight off your shoulders Lee.

Definitely whack in that complaint

Excellent news. 👏

I’ve sorted DVLA out too, signed his car over to me today and am declaring it off the road. They too were really helpful when I spoke to them about it all.

I’ve also got the attendance allowance forms, I’m going to the care home later so they can help me fill it in, obviously I have no idea about all the medical questions it asks.

So things are getting slowly sorted.

I won’t relax until that bloody flat is sold though. I just wish I could turn back time and stop the purchase going through.

Regarding his car as well, I will probably up insuring myself on it so we can continue to take him out.

If he wants to go out for the day with all of us, it’s a pain as our car only fits 4 (two of my children are very young so have to come with us, and I can’t push a pushchair and a wheelchair at the same time, let alone fit them both in the tiny car, so dh has to come too), which means dh has to get a taxi with my dad and meet us places which my dad hates.

With his car too, at least are can all go to places together.

One of the solicitors told me I couldn’t do anything with his car, that I had to sell it and put the money in his account.

Another solicitor said that as it had negligible value, I might as well do as I wish with it and keep it.

Age UK said to get legal advice. I did and it was conflicting. So I am going to do what’s in the best interest of his mental health and do what needs to be done to keep it on my driveway so he can see it and so that we can take him out in the least distressing way.

At the end of the day, when he has to have a financial assessment in a couple of years when his money runs out, the local authority can just bloody take the car if it comes up and if it’s an issue to them. I’m honestly past caring.

Just reading this looking for advice as I can see MiL getting worse but when last assessed not considered eligible for attendance allowance. GP is concerned and said try again and will help with some rails in her part owned flat, she is forgetting things and getting very anxious, but can walk slowly with a stick and has got to the worrying stage and hallucinating etc that may be round the corner, she is refusing a pacemaker and gets dizzy when she stands up and gets up from bed in the morning etc. she has kidney disease but apparently needs no treatment and a few gastro issues and hearing problems. It feels like there are three different areas/government departments etc. involved and little joined up thinking. MiL can't understand her post or remember what her doctor has said, or leave the house to attend appointments without help, or shop for food, etc. she is still not entitled to any help, she has basic state pension and two tiny extra payments so just over the income for benefits, but spent a chunk on a special chair recently so that she could get in and out of a chair safely. Not much in savings, much less than the £23K that is supposed to be left untouched, but her name is down as tenant in common for 50% of the flat, even though we lent the money to her to buy it. I am resigned to the fact that if or more likely when, she needs to go into a home, we will be forced to sell to fund it and I suppose we cross that bridge when we come to it. DH says he doesn't want her in a home and she won't want to go into one, but I am the only person who is around to take her to all hospital and Dr appointments, and always pop in and check on her when I do, I will do this once a week and likely twice a week, she turns down all offers of help from anyone other than DH (once a week shopping) and me whom she thinks should be around whenever she needs, but then apologises for ringing, she told one lovely local charity she was too busy to see them until November. In her mind it is the women's job to be a carer, because she was for her mother ... but I have both parents alive and beginning to struggle 150 miles away - visiting them will need to increase and I am worried about the day DH's family all think I am doing errands for MiL but say 'no' because of my own family. I think Social Services, Drs etc. all expect family to take on the burden of care. Even with attendance allowance all that would be affordable would be one visit from a carer a week and two hours cleaning a week, but that would be a great start ..... if attendance allowance isn't turned down again!

@Juneday that's a nightmare. I'd suggest copying your post into a new thread called 'Turned down for attendance allowance' as there'll be people who know about that specifically.

But tbh you need to have a conversation with your dh who needs to understand whats going on. Fine, he doesn't want hr to go to a home. What is his plan? What will his plan be when you are helping your parents? What deterioration has he noticed in his Mum?

Thank you that is a good tip. And yes it is slowly getting through and it seems the GP is now taking things on board and has organised handrails etc which I hope helps with attendance allowance !

Have come to this thread very late, read all your posts @LeeMucklowesCurtains but not the replies. Firstly, well done for achieving all you have achieved. Secondly, following up on your comment - no, you are not thick. You have a clear and logical understanding of everything that is going on.