Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Wish we had a cockroach emoticon!

Love the new pad- thanks@MereDintofPandiculation

Oooh - very nice in here. Not sure if I should really be allowed out of the Bad Daughter's room but if everyone else is in here .....

My MIL moved into a care home three weeks ago. It was going well, she had her hair done, joined in with activities and praised the food. Then she did something rather silly and fell, and after a week in hospital in now in a rehabilitation place. They and the care home are confident they will be able to get her back to the care home soon.

We went to her flat today to sort more things out and to clean and oh my, I don't think the woman ever washed her hands. Ingrained dirt everywhere but especially high touch areas. She had a weekly cleaner who kept the bathroom clean and hoovered but bluerrgghhhh I hate cleaning other people's grime. Everything in the kitchen was just grimy and grim. Its done now and the amount of zoflora used will probably knock out the next person through the front door.

Morning all. From the last thread re photo ID what Dint said :

There will be alternatives.

You would think so, wouldn't you. It was not that straightforward.

So if your elderly is still mobile enough, and you can organise a new driving licence or passport, do it. It will save an enormous amount of stress.

Agree not to post the LPA anywhere except to the court of protection. Some institutions will not accept certified copies of it. Then you need to take it in in person. I was once able to get free certified copies at a DWP Job Centre, astonishingly. But a solicitor is best bet. They may charge.

To register, the original document does need to be posted to the C of P. It is then returned with stamp as described at the end of the last thread.

I will shortly need to make some transfers involving accounts where the PoA has yet to be attached and I am dreading it. Strictly speaking you do it for all of them at once, but just hit a wall in the end and there was no immediate need, so left it.

Sorry - should also have said thank you for the new thread!
Cockroach everyone.

Thanks for the new thread.

With regard to ID, as MIL doesn’t have a have a driving licence or passport any more, we’ve used her blue badge as photo ID without any problems.

Just delurking the say I have been where many of you are and I completely commiserate. In my case my DM was very frail but my DF held the money and every time a care package or rehab package was arranged for her multiple hospital discharges he would cancel the care on some flimsy pretext, even when it was free. Excuses ranged from the carer not turning up on the dot of 7.30 to get mum up, coming too early to put her to bed, rascist comments about several of them within their hearing (a number of care agencies pulled out because of his appalling behaviour and comments) etc. He was also witnessed being verbally abusive towards her on several occasions yet reports by the agencies to safeguarding gained nothing and he would simply find another agency for a few weeks and repeat the whole saga.
I was getting calls any time of the day or night demanding I drive 17 miles each way to clear up shit or urine’ because you’re a nurse and used to it’. My two younger sisters got all the praise and financial handouts from my DM until her money ran out then they barely visited despite living very close to them.
My father repeatedly said that any money was his for when he needed a nursing home so I was paying out of my pension for many things.
Ironically he had a fall, went into a nursing home from hospital and died within a month. DM was in the same nursing home for a further 3 months before she died earlier this year.
We discovered he had tens of thousands of pounds in multiple accounts, several in my mother’s name but she couldn’t access them.
I have yet to grieve for either of them; the last few years have been a relentless slog.
Please look after yourselves, in my case it really wasn’t worth the effects on my health and life.
💐🍷🧁 and whatever it needs to keep you going x

Thank you so much for the Café with added sun room Dint

Your DH sounds as if he has a much-needed GSoH TonTon

Words Opal8 Minty understand what you’re saying about how long things may go on. It’s something I have had to think about, now DM is in a good care home, despite being 90 she could potter on a good many years, slowly declining. She may not but it’s easier to think she will and plan for that: at my age and in my situation I need to be able to get on with my own life and plans, not be in crisis all the time, or trapped by her situation. I have no other family whatsoever, so that influences it all.

I’ve calculated how long her assets can pay for her care, and it’s a long time, she’d need to be well over 100 years old before they ran out and then the state will pay. I don’t honestly know how or when or if any government ‘cap’ will alter that, I assume it won’t at all, because of the small print and because policy like that can change anyway so I ignore it. A long time ago I decided that I would assume I wouldn’t inherit any assets / money from my parents and plan accordingly - partly because I thought DM (and DH but he’s gone now) could need all of it for care, and they earned all those assets, but also because I didn’t want anyone to have any leverage over me. I have no kids so it’s straightforward for me. I’m going to have a very, very modest amount in retirement and that’s fine.

It’s heartbreaking to read the stories of posters who are battling to make stuff happen - battling the authorities over funds and resources and some also battling elderly relatives who are refusing care (except from their children): that’s the worst pinch point. I’m appalled by some of the attitudes people have encountered from professional HCPs and institutions - the long-term care crisis is worse than anyone elected or hoping to be elected has really admitted.

Toast I think the advice of Knot and Words is hugely sensible, your situation is hard but I agree that you have to be totally assertive about what you won’t do: it means over-riding conditioned fears about what people think of you and also totally agree about people wanting a pony. Hoping the care home works out for MiL. It’s hard to see how frail / able people are sometimes when there are few comparisons.

Re PoAs I have found wild variability in what institutions want and will do - it's awful in what is bound to be a time of stress.

YanTan that is sad and must have completely exhausted you - I hope you have some new hope around the corner for yourself.

Cockroaches!

I'll just book I here as since my previous post about my PILs things have gone down so fast that every thread is relevant to something.
Highlight of the week: MIL had a short hospital stay and was discharged to a lovely local hospice that also does respite / re enablement. After 3 hours they were calling asking us to pick her up as she was threatening staff with her stick! Almost immediately straight back to hospital, perhaps we'll have more success this week.

Is there space in the Bad Daughter's room for me?

I love my dad but I'm so fed up of the mental strain, the wondering whether it's ok to have a glass of wine tonight, the early morning calls (which are primarily self-pity, there's nothing I can actually do to help him) and the expectation that I can meet all his care needs, when I just can't.

And even if I could I don't want to.

He says he doesn't want to be a burden but disregards my suggestions about getting more care in, or considering residential care. So he IS a burden and I am starting to resent him, which then makes me feel guilty and upset.

Just needed to say it somewhere.

My mum once hit me on the arm with her walking stick & it was really nasty, so I can see why they sent her back but it sucks for you. Fortunately, my mil isn't violent with her dementia. My DM is perfectly compos mentis, she was aiming for me!

I do like a nice conservatory. 😁

Blimey YanTan your DF sounds like a piece of work, I am pleased that it didn't drag on for too long and that you are through it now. It just leaves you so bruised and battered though, even when it's over.

MIL has been trying to make it up to us over the weekend, presumably because she had found the two necklaces she spent all week accusing us of stealing - at considerable length.

She has also put ALL her keys to absolutely everything in one bag, and had lost that, so she had to ask us for help to find that, which we did.

DH has taken her to the hospital for her pre-op assessment, op is on Thursday. This is a bigger procedure than she has has before and they will keep her in for a day or two afterwards. DH has told that she cannot rely on us for care after that and will have to organise her own package of care if she needs it. It sounds harsh but her behaviour towards us is so erratic we just cannot guarantee that she will allow us to help. It will be safer for her, and better for all of us, if she can get social care to arrange something for her. It will also get her used to having carers coming in, especially if she thinks it's temporary. That's the theory anyway. Money is not a problem but she will resent having to pay.

This thread remains a huge comfort. It's such an extreme time. Dm is so unhappy at the nursing home. She spends each day packing everything in her room into her bags , putting all her clothes on in multiple layers whether they are soaked in wee or not, and then bashing on the door trying to get out. They've moved her to a room with a toilet which ought to be a huge improvement but as I arrived this evening she'd just put two incontinence pads down the loo... how long till she floods the downstairs??

She is so miserable, so confused, completely unable to remember anything. I can hardly blame the nursing home for what they are doing, because she is impossible to manage more humanely without a 24 hour team dedicated to her, but she is a prisoner.

@PermanentTemporary I’m sorry, this is so hard. But she is a prisoner in her own mind. There is nowhere that she would be happy, and she is in the safest place she can be, getting the best care that can be arranged for her.

Thank you... we are going to try for a nicer nursing home, we do know a lot of it is flummery but a home with a functioning bath would be nice!

My heart goes out to all of you that are struggling right now. We trudge forward through another day because that's all we can do.

PermanentTemporary It is really common for new residents to be packing to go home. They know they are in the wrong place and want to get back to the right place. When home is no longer safe then it ceases to be an option, we know that but they don't. Our children might want to play on the rail tracks but they absolutely can't, no matter how much they want it, it can't happen. They can't see that the risks far outweigh their desires but we can.

Mum had a toilet in her previous bedroom but after six months in the room had no idea what was behind the door. Five minutes after I showed her what was in there, she still had no idea. Her new room has no toilet and I'm not bothered in the slightest because she wouldn't have used it anyway.

No sleep here as the home called after ten to tell me mum was in a bad way. This morning she's sitting up with a cup of tea, at least they called early and told me. I wish they hadn't called at all, it's selfish but there's nothing I can do (isolating, day 8/10 but feels like day 26) and from my point of view, my mum died in April when she fell. Everything we shared, that common experience of our life changed on that day and she's a stranger to me now and me to her. Instead of sleep I've had hours of reliving the experiences of the last couple of years and to be honest, they sucked at the time and are no more pleasant in hindsight.

As usual, there's no-one in real life to dump this on so thanks for being here for me.

@LittlePearl I suggest you do have that glass of wine. “I’m sorry, I can’t come round tonight, I’ve had a drink” is a very useful phrase.

Ultimately, your dad needs to realise you can’t manage it all. And you can’t make him realise that by managing everything he asks of you

Oh @Knotaknitter I’m so sorry. Sending 🌺🌺and🍫🍫 we hear you.

Meh, I know I'm only feeling sorry for myself because I'm so tired but thank you.

How are you @thesandwich ?

Hi @Knotaknitter I’m ok thanks….. recovering post op and will hear next week what’s next. Puts dm in perspective.

[quote MereDintofPandiculation]@LittlePearl I suggest you do have that glass of wine. “I’m sorry, I can’t come round tonight, I’ve had a drink” is a very useful phrase.

Ultimately, your dad needs to realise you can’t manage it all. And you can’t make him realise that by managing everything he asks of you[/quote]
Thanks very much for this, @MereDintofPandiculation

As it happens things have suddenly shifted after we hit an all time low yesterday and he has agreed to go into residential care - not necessarily permanently, but at least for the time being. So I'm now rushing around like the proverbial blue arsed fly trying to sort everything in time for The Move on Friday, but with a feeling of relief that is strangely energising.

And I'll be cracking open my best bottle of Merlot on Friday evening......

Well, dm tried to attack a nurse and the home have given notice that they can't keep her. Really feel for the nurse and also for my mum - I can't bear that my dear mum who never even spanked us is in this furious terrified state.

Is there a more specialised place she can go?

I have a sibling that gets violent when she's not well & it's really difficult. She's now older, so has been in a variety of places & some definitely are better able to cope but finding them is hard.

@LittlePearl that’s great news! At best, it means you can go back to being a daughter, seeing your dad and enjoying his company (even if it’s just occasional flashes of the man you used to know)