Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

BippityBobbityBoo - something similar happened with my mum. Unfortunately we were in the supermarket. She suddenly needed to go and didnt make it. It was like a horror film. People weee stopping to look and point. She was mortified. I arranged a clean up and got her out to the car. My new car. I sat her on my coat and drive home.
I got her in and bathed her. We had to make light of it and joke or else it would have been even worse.
I’ve also had to clean Up after my dad didn’t make it to the loo too.

It’s just awful. X

any room for a bad daughter in law? Mil very infirm, has carers, uses. WAlker and her main carer is pil who's 90. My other half five mins away. The other two children three hours in different directions. We have them for the odd Sunday lunch. He pops in a few times a week. I can't bring myself to get involved.

My own parents will need help soon and for them I'd do everything within my power. Getting a few remarks from the other siblings but I'm thinking if I start I will be forever tied and I want to be able to drop everything and look after my own parents when needed, they are three hours away so it would mean maybe a week or two at a time. My siblings would do the same

When I go through and read what some of you are dealing with then I salute you all. I never could do,that

I'm amazed at how deeply this expectation on the DDs and DILs to provide care goes. I thought it was just something in my background (Welsh valleys). But it seems to be a role that is decided upon for us, while we were at the bar getting a round in.

I'm trying to hold the line on fecal incontinence, having started by quietly cleaning up and pretending it hadn't happened, I am now firmly the worlds baddest daughter by drawing attention to it, and saying that it indicates she needs to consider a move to a nursing home - or at least to wear the damn pads during the day. But that I am no longer going to collude in this idea that it is not a problem.

My DM was always very houseproud, so of course it pains me to see her like this, but I can't bridge the gap anymore.

Welcome changed. Sadly our society is such that care burdens fall on DILs not DSs. You are right to stand back.

Always take the long view, not “do I mind doing this today?” but “Do I mind doing this regularly for the next 20 years?” Even so, I m willing to bet youll find yourself doing some of the things you think you could never do.

Welcome changed.

Out of interest, do you have siblings that would help out with your parents?

If not, you have a perfect get out, not that you should need one. It's up to your siblings in law to step in, not you.

I stayed at mums last night, as per...

Her cognitive decline is starting to get quite scary. It's constant little things rather than anything massive and of course her hearing doesn't help. She's really struggling with anything Internet based now, can't manage online shopping without help, and is double and triple checking (or asking me to) admin type stuff so presumably has some awareness. I feel like I have to explain everything I say to her slowly in words of one syllable about 3 times before she understands anything.

Last night she left the oven on after dishing up dinner.

Earlier in the week she asked me to pick up a form from the GP "...tell them Practice Nurse spoke to your wife earlier in the week about it..."

She quickly corrected herself but...

The thing is, having seen my dad have cognitive function assessments, I'm pretty sure she'd pass one, and I can't even begin to think of how to suggest it in the first place.

@MereDintofPandiculation What many of us have to do is stand back a bit and help parents understand the consequences, and that they really can’t cope. It’s awful for them, as we all know it’s a one way process, so I completely understand the “we’re OK, perfectly able to look after ourselves, just need a tiny bit of help from family now and again” mentality. But that doesn’t mean you should have to sacrifice your life to protect them from the realisation of their decline.

This should be a pretty cross stitch sampler on the wall of the Bad Daughter's room/wing. When I read those words the anger that I kept feeling grabbed me by the throat again! No! We were not managing fine with a little bit of help! I was on my knees and she was living in complete denial of the effort and energy it took me to keep her home.

@BippityBobbityBoo It was finding mum half naked on the floor of her bathroom in a pool of diarrhoea that pushed me over the edge I think. DH was unable to move her and the paramedics dragged her from the bathroom and said that they were unable to examine her until I cleaned her up.

I did my best but it was the carer who came an hour or so after they left who gave her a bed bath and convinced me that she should not be at home.

I hadn't realised that diarrhoea and constipation were symptoms of dementia. Now she is in the home mum is on medication to regulate her bowels.

I had a very helpful conversation yesterday with the Alzeimer's phone line. I have been referred for counselling with Cruse and to Age Cymru who will help with the financial aspects. No POA so not sure what I should do with her money - not that she has a lot - her home place is funded by the local authority who take her pensions towards the cost. But she wants me to "get the cash out for Christmas" and she also wants to buy us a car! But that's not going to happen.

I got poo pooed for saying this on another thread, but the old letter to her GP saying you're concerned about her memory does sometimes get results. I do think it's better to broach it with her though. Something like 'it seems like a lot of things are harder for you than they used to be and your memory isn't what it was. I'd really like you to see your GP about it, what do you think?' But not all in one go.

Of course what you are likely to get is the 'it's just old age' 'doctors can't do anything' stuff which drives us all mad. But anyway, them add the note to the GP in, just in case you can persuade her to let you make an appointment. Go with her if you can (i couldn't )

Reading all your incidents with having to clean up your parents makes me relieved that my dear old mum has a stoma bag. I count my blessings with that one. We've been having the district nurse
visit to dress her ulcers. Mum's mobility is really bad and it takes huge effort to get her into the car. I certainly couldn't get her into a wheelchair from the car and back again now. Having said that she does occasionally like a drive (sleeps mostly while we are out but there you are). Today was a good day for her so we went for a little drive to see the sea. When we got back we had missed the district nurse visit. And she had said that from now on we were to go to the clinic to have her dressings changed. It's sorted no but horrendously stressful. No good deed goes unpunished

Last night she left the oven on after dishing up dinner. I do that regularly

Sympathies to all dealing with continence issues. Cleaning up diarrhoea was my red line, which I had to cross once with DF, but it was one of the final straws which led to the realisation that he needed to be somewhere with full-time care on call. He spent the next (final) two or three months of his life shuttling between hospital and care home.

@MintyCedric Your mum's cognitive issues also sound familiar. My DM (85) seems to be increasingly struggling with paperwork and technology. Today she was complaining that Amazon keeps selling her Kindle versions of things rather than the paperback/hardback books she is trying to buy, so she had to call them up to ask them to stop doing it, but got in rather a muddle with her email address... I had to show her how to check which option is highlighted before she presses the 'buy now' button, but she has been using her iPad and buying on Amazon etc for years without problems so this is a definite decline.

I am now worrying about how she will adjust to all the new things she will have to get the hang of when she moves into her sheltered flat in January (we hope). We have been discussing getting her an electric wheelchair or mobility scooter to help her get around the complex, but I am starting to wonder whether she will actually be able to learn how to control one.

Afternoon all.

I've just caught up with posts after a bit of a week and am warmed again by the support both emotional and practical I see here. Hot chocolate and mince pies to all of us in the Bad Daughters' Room!

DFiL has been home from hospital for a week - nothing like as mobile as OTs insisted - and with no care package in place as OT didn't think there was any need for referral to hospital social work team. Obviously a 91 year old with a broken femur can go home 2 weeks post-op to care for his oxygen-using very frail wife!

Fortunately a few days before his return DMiL moved into a nursing home for two weeks respite care. She's been doing marvellously - eating better and more widely, more outgoing, memory seems better etc. I suppose a large part of it is the increase in mental stimulation from there being more people around her.

DFiL has spent the last week feeling quite sorry for himself, complaining his tummy isn't right and so on. And insisting that they don't need any extra help, that he'll manage fine when MiL comes home. All of this without a please or thank you when someone makes a cup of tea, never mind any appreciation of the upheaval and efforts their DS (and me) have made.

Yesterday I'm ashamed to say that I lost my temper. I was just so fed up with the constant refusal to contemplate having some carers in to help out and the insistence that they'll be absolutely fine and that there's no need for us to fuss.

Coupled with his complete inability to express any sort of thanks whether for a cup of tea or for the way DH and I have thrown up our lives to look after them in the last few weeks. I've had to cancel family visits for Hogmanay and I haven't seen my parents for two years, nor even met my littlest neice. It all got a bit too much for me and I ended up by pointing out that he should be grateful he has a son like DH and I left to visit DMIL.

I think plain talking might have helped though. He greeted me with a hug today (v unusual!) and said he doesn't like to see me unhappy. And when the care agency manager arrived for a meeting he was very amenable though did make clear they weren't to send anyone bossy or 'common'. (dear god....!)

So we're going to give having carers in a try. Two hours in the morning and one in the evening. I think he thinks that it will only be for a couple of weeks but I'm not contradicting that just yet....

I know my DM gets so caught up with her own thoughts, she doesn't have a clue what effect it has on others. I'm more likely to comment these days and she's clearly thinking a bit more about it, unless she's in pain.

She's no clue (and neither do the wider family) that I ended up not working for other people because I was down helping her after each operation. What's not going down well is her repeating from the wider family that I sit on my butt all day, doing nothing...

...though did make clear they weren't to send anyone bossy or 'common'. (dear god....!)

My mum said to the care agency when dad came out of hospital to min who they sent as she'd probably jump out of her skin if 'a big black man comes knocking on my door..."

Dear God is about right .

Mere I know...we all do stuff like that, but on top of everything else and bearing in mind that she has a tendency to switch everything off and clear down the kitchen between dishing up and actually eating, it's quite out of character.

I'll be interested to see what my best mate thinks of her when she comes for Christmas Day as she hasn't seen her since Dad's funeral.
We grew up together and she's like family so she knows mum well enough to spot if she also thinks something is off.

@PermanentTemporary I raised concerns about her mental health and cognitive funtion when Dad was still alive. The nurse came out, had a chat and that was it. No assessment, no-one contacted me to follow up.

I'll see how the next few weeks pan out and maybe try again in the new year.

Today for instance, I sat down and went through her shopping deliveries with her...Supermarket A on Sunday, Supermarket B next Saturday. Yes, she still has a booking for 23rd December. Wrote them all on the calendar with times...half an hour later "who is it I;ve got coming tomorrow?"
"Supermarket A mum, and they're not coming until Sunday."
"And have I got one booked for next week?"

Hmmmm yes. Sounds like quite an issue.

By all accounts my DM should be moving to a specialist neurological home on Monday. I have so many fingers crossed I can barely lift my cup of tea. She was turned down by every nursing home in the county because of her challenging behaviour. I don't exactly blame them but I'm also amazed that my 87 year old mother is so uniquely problematic. Having read the documentation from the nursing home though, it is quite distressing. I just hope with more specialist care she can have something resembling a life, not being pinned into her room 24/7.

minty are you documenting all these incidents? Times and dates seem to get more attention

Oops, posted on the old thread in my distraction.

Hello, can I join in? I've been signposted here by some lovely people who answered my thread about FIL breaking DH. I'm not a Bad Daughter, but I'm a Very Bad DIL and he's making us all very unhappy.

@MereDintofPandiculation

minty are you documenting all these incidents? Times and dates seem to get more attention

Not in a specific place but between posts on here and texts ro a couple a couple of friends I could probably compile a list.

Hi IWasWilling if we run out of bench we just get another one in so there is always room for another. I'm a bad daughter and a bad DIL as are many others here. Always plenty of gin/chocolate/tea/cake as required.

@countrygirl99

Hi IWasWilling if we run out of bench we just get another one in so there is always room for another. I'm a bad daughter and a bad DIL as are many others here. Always plenty of gin/chocolate/tea/cake as required.

Hey countrygirl, that bench is only here for old times’ sake, it’s not meant to be sat on. Bring willing up here to one of the comfy chairs by the fire!

minty Apparently adding a time and date to your memory turns it into “evidence” that can be taken into account.

Thank you for the welcome. It is just nice to know we are not the only ones suffering.

Just catching up after a few hectic weeks.
I remember DM taking us out as kids and leaving eggs boiling on the cooker - she’s always been a bit disorganised and forgetful so we weren’t sure at first that we were seeing signs of dementia or whether it was just ‘her’. Eventually I accompanied her to the doctor about something else - mobility wise - and mentioned it in passing and they referred her to the memory clinic.

Mum loves her Kindle but she has the old non touch screen type. I bought her one with a touch screen and she just couldn’t get the hang of it. I dread it breaking down.

Don't get your hopes up though Best. In my experience the memory clinic only really confirmed what I already knew. What it didn't do however, was trigger any help.

Welcome to the newbies. Not sure if it is time for hot chocolate or gin in the room, so I'll go for both I think.

I almost had tomorrow off, but that's not happening now. I'm planning ahead to next Sunday though when I'm due to meet an old friend who is on a brief visit to London, and have booked tickets to an exhibition. I plan on turning my phone off for the duration.

notaflyingmonkey Sorry, badly worded my post. We already have a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. I was just musing that it had been hidden in a way by her slightly scatterbrained personality - or maybe we were kidding ourselves. I think DF might have hidden a lot from us when he was alive.

Ah, I see. My DM likes to quote 'old age doesn't come by itself' as way of minimising the shows of dementia. She's the same age as the queen, who I would imagine doesn't go round the house crapping herself.