Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I agree this is a very important thread as it's so easy to be sucked in and not know about boundaries, particularly if you've already had "interesting times" over the years.

I hadn't appreciated the length of time that these issues can on and I'm trying to step back from wanting to fix everything for everyone all the time. I feel like a bad D and DiL but actually my DM is perhaps hearing me, not sure about the PiL, going to leave that to my DH.

This thread is great because some of the seasoned campaigners can share advice, tips, and also what we wish we’d known, or would have done differently……
And just knowing we are not alone. Or selfish. Or unreasonable in having lives of our own.

I managed to have a bit of a heart to heart with Mum today.

Told her a couple of things that were bothering me wrt our relationship/communications and not sure if they've sunk in but there was no aggro.

Also sorted out Christmas plans. Have acquiesced to her request that we go to her, but on the upside my best mate is joining us which will be lovely and make it all a bit less intense.

Well done, minty, fixing Christmas plans. I’m feeling guilty about Christmas. Have agreed to going to DS2. Nursing home say journey is to much for dad, they’re probably right, even though it’s only 40 mins, and the whole day would be too much., and, secretly, it’s a relief not to have my Christmas Day punctuated by toilet trips.

But if I’d said no to DS and insisted on Christmas at ours, dad maybe could have joined us, and taking him home part way would have been feasible. So I feel I’ve deserted him at Christmas.

That's tough Dint...but I'm sure you'll manage to spend some special time with him around Christmas and he'll love that.

I would love to have a Christmas Day at home, just me, DD and the cats (and best mate if she wanted to) buy that's a non starter so I just try and make another day 'our day' instead.

DD and I have lovely plans for Christmas Eve, and I'm going out with best mate NYE...you'll probably hear the meltdown from mum about that but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it

Mum is convinced she will be home by Christmas. Given that she is now incontinent, can not stand and requires two carers and a hoist to move her from one chair to another it's not going to happen.

Christmas here will be very different without her. We will have all five children and their spouses/fiance plus daughter's in laws so we will be 15. DD's SiL is terrified of dogs. We have three - two large one small - so we need to move them into my mum's for the duration. DH has decided he may well have to do a fair bit of dog sitting through the day to keep them quiet - and to give him some headspace!

Son in law and his family are all foodies. I am very much a "shake it out of the packet and bung it in the oven" kind of cook. We can either move the furniture out of the living room and put two tables together there but have nowhere to sit in comfort afterwards or we can eat dinner on our knees but not roast turkey etc.

Plus at some point in the day someone has to drive me to visit mum. In fairness to the family they will probably all be keen to take me but it is something to be planned around and fitted in.

And just to make sure that there is a little extra chaos - my daughter in law's family will come in the evening - her mother, mother's partner and grandmother.

Does anyone else think life would be easier with a lockdown?

I'm not thinking about Christmas, I'm not convinced mum will see it so there's no point worrying about it until later. I've hosted MIL for Chistmas once, the year when FIL died and it was a total disaster. I've had thirty years of "It's all for children isn't it?" "I don't know why people make all this fuss" "I prefer a nice chicken" "If it were left to me I wouldn't bother". I will not be visiting or bringing her out for the day, she has actual blood relations and they can step up.

Mum has always gone over the top at Christmas but I think she's so far along the dementia path now to not be horrified that she's not done piles of shopping and bought me a turkey. It will be strange just being the two of us but we'll manage.

I could not accommodate 15 for a sit down meal, it just wouldn't happen. I've had a buffet for that many but my local guests brought some more plates and chairs.

I am trying not to think about Christmas but it's approaching horribly fast. I'm just hoping mum will be in somewhere else by mid December at the latest - seems unlikely - ot otherwise she will still be in a very unsettled transition period. I am guessing that I should try to have her home for the day and just prefer not to think about it until I have to.

Christmas Eve should be a good day just ds and me but I've agreed to work so it will only be the evening. We tend to invite ourselves out anyway. Then boxing day lunch or tea with my Fil. It's not going to be amazing but we'll get through it all right.

MIL's heart operation was cancelled on the day, so she is back at home, but behaving quite well and in good spirits. She made us some crème brûlées as she is in cooking mood!

If she is like this then I see no problem with her coming to us on Christmas Day as usual (along with my DF and DB).

However, we are now waiting for a new date for the operation and have no idea if that is going to bump into Christmas. We are hoping that it will be after, but who knows.

Hello all

Please may I pull up a chair? I’m sorry to read about people who are really in the thick of things. My lovely grandad died earlier this year just short of his hundredth birthday, after his last few years were so difficult with dementia. My mum bore the brunt of that, but it was still so tough and my heart goes out to those of you on the front line.

DH and I are carers for his parents, who live very nearby. They’re both in very poor health, and just generally very frail. Probably as a consequence of this (but also, I think, as a subconscious reaction to how their own parents’ last years played out) they have just given up doing anything for themselves. Poor DH is run ragged. He’s under a lot of stress at work, isn’t in good health himself and we have teens/tweens who need lots of our time both in terms of lifts etc but also just being available to them and supporting with GCSEs etc.
I don’t think there is a magic solution, but it’s tough. DH is too stressed for any input from me about how we handle things to feel like anything other than criticism. And I hate feeling resentful, but I also can’t help but remember that while my in-laws are lovely people and I am genuinely very fond of them, they chose not to offer any practical help when our DC were very small (which was absolutely their choice, I didn’t resent that at the time, but it rankles now a little bit that suddenly DH is not being given the same choice to prioritise his own time or needs).

Sorry, a total bitchy ramble

Any advice on boundaries and how to set them or where to set them?

I'm feeling a bit guilty about Christmas. I had a complete meltdown, despite it only being the 2 of us last year, as I find Christmas really difficult. This year, in-laws are back in the same town but haven't really bothered with us since they came back and they've never done Christmas for us. They did make an effort my my Bil & Sil recently, so I'm not sure what's going on and DH isn't inclined to probe...so I'm contemplating ignoring Christmas altogether.

OTOH, they're both pretty frail and MiL is definitely having major cognitive issues, I'm not sure she'd know it was Christmas Day and socialising is difficult for her.

So maybe I should make some effort but that effort may cause her more difficulties?

What do you want to do for Christmas? If you hate Christmas Day itself and want to ignore it, could you invite them for lunch on Boxing Day? Or supper on Christmas Eve?Then you’ve done something but the pressure to have a “jolly” Christmas is slightly less?

Xmas can be a minefield that's for sure.
Atm mum is coming here for lunch. She usually wants leave as soon as she's eaten.
She'll visit my golden balls brother 1st then my sister then me.
She's just started having those frozen meals delivered so if it all goes pear shaped at least she'll have a hot meal.
She's pretty frail now. Had the last of her tests today ready for the GP appointment next week.
Dh is away next week with work so no doubt they'll be some sort of crisis

Oh, and after mils bigoted diatribe on my sons 18th birthday she and fil are coming for 2 hours max on boxing day

I might be "needed" elsewhere whilst they are here!!

I used to do a big get together here on boxing day every year.

Just can't be arsed now. Dad's gone, last time mum didn't even take her coat off and I have no interest in spending time with pils.

So I'll arrange stuff to do with friends and treat ds2 to a spa day :)

How was your hospital appointment sandwich?

Hello all, welcome to newbies. You are all welcome to vent here. No judgement just sympathy.
@notaflyingmonkey thank you for asking- good news, op successful in removing cancer. Now on to chemo/ radio in the new year. V relieved.
I know it’s just part of the journey, but one step at a time. And it’s forced me to put myself higher priority. And let the well paid carers do more for dm. Stepping back. Siblings mixed in response but some support.
Christmas…. Well, a way off in my mind. May be able to get dm here or take lunch to hers. But I will put what I want higher up the list…..
We all deserve that.

Best wishes @thesandwich

Great news Sandwich. Sobering thought that it took cancer to force you to prioritise yourself - well done on reconfiguring though.

DM moaned all through my visit yesterday about how she wasn't happy with any of the things that I have sorted for her recently. (And that was without her seeing what a mess I made of trying to put a makeshift screen up in the garden to cover a blown fence panel). So I ended the visit by encouraging her to think about what she will do when I am not around so much next year when I manage to sell my house.

Our Christmas plans are up in the air thanks to omicron. We are disposed to be going to Finland to stay with DS2 and DIL and are just hoping Finland don't pull up thr drawbridge. DB asked me if we would have mum and dad this year - they wouldn't come to us while their cat was alive and that was my get out. DB is really struggling with mum refusing to accept any help despite needing it and he's the one round the corner.

I feel your DBs pain. In-laws clearly need help but ignoring us & I suspect people are making assumptions. It's awkward.

@wombat69 it's a good job he is close every time "the carers" hide something/ fiddle with the heating controls/ mess up the tv etc. Because it's never mum and dad can barely move from his chair so it must be them right?

I am having a major wobble here. If I saw this on AIBU I would definitely vote Not Unreasonable but I'm not sure.

Every interaction I have seen between the carers and the residents in the home has been positive. Even last night when we were there we saw two carers hand in hand with a lady walking round the corridors singing with her. When we were ready to leave another carer who lives in the building and had come downstairs to make herself a drink said that she would take mum back to her room and let us out. We have seen the nurses on their knees holding hands with distressed residents, hugging them, always showing affection. As far as everything we have seen they are so caring even though they are understaffed. Mum says that the atmosphere is horrible, the carers shout and swear at them all and she is not used to being treated like that.

However when we arrived to see mum yesterday she was wearing a floral top with a matching cardigan and then a printed skirt which did not in any way go with the top which six months ago she would never have agreed to put together (I tried to make sure that she had a selection of plain bottoms and patterned tops to make it easy to mix and match) but she wasn't actually wearing the skirt - it was sort of draped over her and tucked in at the sides. I felt so embarrassed for her. I would have hated any of her friends to see her like that.

Now I've written it down it doesn't seem like something to get riled up about but last night it seemed to be the final straw and I wanted to ask if I would be unreasonable to phone the home and ask what was going on!

Mentally I am struggling this week. I feel completely numb towards the old lady I visited last night. There was nothing about her that was my mum. I felt sorry about her distress - she said that she was convinced that we were coming to tell her she was coming home. But I feel numb. Please tell me all this is normal and I will love her again.

If you’re concerned, there’s nothing wrong with asking the home how your mum is getting on - you can phrase it as a question “I noticed she wasn’t dressed properly yesterday - is there an issue with her getting dressed?”

I’m afraid my DM is often undressed- you can’t force someone to get dressed and she often undresses herself. All you can do is ask them to check she’s got clothes on before visitors go in.

It is a horrible experience because you’ve “lost” the person but they’re still alive. It’s a form of ongoing grieving, which I think is very hard.