Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I wonder if she was being uncooperative and that was the only way they could get her covered without resorting to force?
I understand what you say about there being nothing that was your mum. DH always says his mum died when she had her catastrophic stroke s
And now there is a stranger with a completely different personality inhabiting her wrecked body.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking the question and hopefully they'll be able to explain what happened and give you some reassurance.

FWIW I don't think Dad wore 'bottoms' most of the 7 weeks in the home. He was in bed, covered up and otherwise clean and tidy with a fresh top on every day. Obviously a different scenario but I'm sure there will be a logical explanation for your DM.

As for dealing numb...go easy on yourself. You're both still adjusting and it's the first Christmas without her fully present, it's understandable that you would struggle. Can you talk to your DP, one of the kids or a close friend about how you're feeling?

If you're really struggling and don't want to talk to someone that close I'd highly recommend the SHOUT mental health text helpline 85258 to get things off your chest.

It's funny how people cope with situations and relationships differently. I find my mum easier to manage if I dial down the mother/daughter aspect and try and view as a bereaved old lady who is a bit of a character.

Congratulations @thesandwich...hope you have a fabulous festive season before starting the rest of the treatment.

Good news @thesandwich. Been on a similar path, and now fully in remission. Hope it goes well for you.

We’re in NE Scotland and have been without power for a few days - MIL has been fine, unaffected other than unable to summon me on the phone. I almost cried when the power came back on 😂😂

Just come here to vent. Why is it that elderly folk are so stubborn? I'm starting to wonder if they have always been stubborn, that's why they live into their 80s and 90s. Always got their own way, always had others running round after them. Those that spend our lives placating them, doing their bidding etc end up burned out and exhausted in an early old age.

My sis (who mum lives with) got an OT assessment. Aids to help bathing/showering offered. DM put on her "no way" face and turned everything down. Atm she comes to my house where I struggle to get her into the bath and 2 of us struggle to get her out again, despite my 2 hernias. She'd rather have that than a swivel shower seat or whatever.

The OT said one of those 3 wheel walkers would help her mobility. Again DM pulled a face. Why have one of those when she can cling on to my arm which gives me backache and exacerbates the pain in my knee?

It's exhausting.

I was on the phone to FIL yesterday. We managed to have "we can't manage" and "We dont' want any help" in the same conversation. They would rather lurch from crisis to crisis and keep wasting time calling 999 than put some day to day help in place.

I have a relative who is an OT and she goes ballistic if she sees me helping mum manually too much. I see her thinking now, after a few years of it and having arthritis and being a bit wobbly myself.

A rollator will be a great help to her. I suggested one to a friend with MS and she dismissed it. Later got one and raved about it.

Great news @TheSandwich!

My Christmas plans are: take flowers and card to mother in home on Christmas Eve. Spend the allotted half hour having the same conversation as usual.

Cook special roast chicken dinner for best friend on the day.

Light wood burner, read book, cuddle the cat.

Surf the Internet for a treat or two for ME.

The End.

I've spent the best part of three decades driving to and fro to parents on Christmas Day, making huge efforts with food and gifts, even though I absolutely detest the whole wretched thing.

This is now my time and I will do as I like.

< climbs onto podium at Bad Daughter Olympics>

That sounds nice. I might copy that plan. 😁

@Words you win the medal for inspirational boundary setting. I love the idea of your Christmas.

My friend and I have decided to treat ourselves this year. We have set a budget of £ 20.00 and we are buying our own presents. On the 19th (we always have a takeaway on a Sunday night) we will swap labels and open the presents we have bought ourselves!

She has talked me down from my upset about mum's clothing. She pointed out that they knew we were coming and mum was ready to see us dressed like that. If we had turned up unexpectedly and she was in that state it would be different. She thought it was likely that they knew we were coming, may well have soiled herself and so it was easier to cover her up and get her into the dining room than to hoist her and change her clothes.

I have a strop with my poor husband. I have always instigated the Christmas shopping. Left to him his mum would have nothing. This year I am fresh out of inspiration so I settled for a cashmere scarf from T K Maxx. Not original or exciting but something I would love for myself so not entirely without thought.

As my lovely friend pointed out I been under a lot of stress from my mother (and feeling cross and anxious about it all) so it's not surprising that I am not overwhelmed with affection for her now she is so negative and so cross with me all the time.

I'm feeling much better than the weepy anxious bad daughter that posted this morning. Now I am a more relaxed and detached bad daughter.

Lovely to read other people's inspirational plans for a humane Christmas.

I'm on holiday from work and having not visited DM on Friday Saturday or Sunday (visited MIL on Saturday in HER nursing home) I am visiting DM every day because I can't stand the guilt otherwise. I think they have managed to get some medication into her somehow because she is less distressed and hasn't attacked a member of staff for a day or two. On the other hand she is very low.

I know it's not a new thing on this thread but God we wouldn't keep a guinea pig alive in this state, and apologies to gp lovers but my mum is worth more than a guinea pig.

Thank you for the good wishes, @Words @MintyCedric and @Quickchangeartiste. Hearing others have been through this and got through helps 🌺🌺.
This talk of risking injuries and health because stubborn oldies won’t use equipment makes me so angry. Can I lend you my dh who told dm who was adamant she wouldn’t have a booster she wouldn’t see me as I’m going to be v vulnerable? She changed her mind…..
@words I love your Christmas plan. You so deserve it.
And @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere your friend is right. Please be kind to yourself. You have done amazingly to keep your dm at home so long.
Please take time for you.
Detaching is a good plan. But it ain’t easy.

Hairbrush Not quite the same but I have seen both MIL and mum when they've been wearing other people's clothes. The first time it really hurt, subsequently not so much. I've been through MIL's wardrobe pulling out the clothes that are clearly labelled with other people's names and handing them over for redirection but I used to put the pants in the wrong drawers when there were only three of us.

I would trust what you see and feel and not what is told to you. MIL is now an unreliable witness, she told me she'd been out to the biiig shopping centre that morning which I might just have swallowed had she not previously told me that they were organising a day trip to America. Mum also told me things that happened twenty years ago but was positive they happened that morning. She would swear on a stack of bibles that she'd had a shower that morning, she had the memory of it but a month's spider webs in the bottom of the bath said that it wasn't a recent one.

Christmas is a stressful time for the organisers among us, there's pressure to make sure that everyone has a perfect Christmas even though we pull ourselves in three different directions to make that happen. Add caring responsibilities on top of that and it can be all too much.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere of course you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask why your Mum wasn't dressed properly.

Hairbrush of course you are concerned, but there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for all you are seeing.

If you had spoken to my MIL a month ago she would have sworn blind that me and DH had done the most terrible things to her, little short of mental cruelty and torture.

Your DM was not wearing her skirt properly, maybe she didn’t want to put it on properly, maybe this is the compromise they came up with.

You are absolutely right to look further into this, and to ask questions, but you must know that eccentric dressing is not necessarily a sign of poor care.

leatmarmite As you get older, every little help arranged is something else you can no longer do and another step on the decline into complete incompetence and incoherence, loss of autonomy, and being written off as a valuable human being. No wonder we fight against it, convince ourselves we are fine, just need ‘a little bit of help’ from our children

knot Another advantage of a small home (to set against the lack of facilities) - the laundry lady knows everyone’s clothes even without looking at name labels. Of course, being a male elder helps - not so many to get confused

Had a rare lucid visit to Dad yesterday and we had the Christmas conversation. “So I’ll be on my own here then?” It stung, but I think he meant it factually not self pityingly. When he asked why I planned to come in in the morning before setting off to DS, he said “oh, you don’t want to bother, why would you want to do that?” I said “because you’ve been part of my Christmas all my life” and he broke into a broad smile and said “I’ve never thought of it like that”

I still feel like a selfish arse though.

Am I able to just have a SCREEEEAAAAAMMMMM please?

Feel free Hodibiddy I find the red cushions near the window are the best to scream into of you are worried about scaring anyone.

@Hodibiddy screaming is encouraged but it you can bear to type out the reason for the screaming we can all make soothing/sympathetic and practical noises to help you.

Scream away @Hodibiddy though we may join in.

[Googles primal scream therapy. Does it even still exist?]

In my house clearing this morning I came across a stash of unwanted presents in the wardrobe. There was a bonus, something I'd bought for me, mum paid and was supposed to wrap it up. Neither of us had missed it last year (or maybe the year before) so I'm going to wrap it for me for this year. I felt a bit more positive today, I still don't like doing it but I have two bags of really nice Christmas presents to go to the charity shop at exactly the right time of year.

Screaming is actually very good. I've taken myself off somewhere ( very quiet , you don't want the police called ) and had a good old go. It tires you out , but you feel so much better afterwards.

My parents live 50 miles away.
They are both late 80’s.
They are housebound after a car accosting September and both struggle with mobility issues.
They live in a very rural area and despite good neighbours who pop in occasionally they are reliant on family. Ie Me.
Whilst they are very grateful when I go see them, they always need to do so much. Yesterday we went to Wilco wheee mum spent £120 pounds. She tends to go mad and stick up when she gets the chance and I totally get it.
They then wanted to go out for lunch.
We then needed to get a supermarket shop.
When we got back to their home, they had a power cut and mum was halfway up on the stairlift.
Their house is beautiful but old. Think dark wood and small windows.
I’d got 11 bags of shizzle to bring in, in the dark. Mum was panicking as she was desperate for the loo. Everywhere my dad stood he was in the way.

I was close to tears as this just sums up every at the moment. I’m post cancer but have other health issues and waiting for more investigation. They don’t know as I dont want to burden them.
I just feel to be juggling custard and getting bogged down with sadness.
I’ve broached looking for somewhere more suitable and they could buy outright without selling the house.
I fear I’m going to have to get my adulting hat in and make some decisions.

Thank you for allowing me to vent x x x

Sorry about the spelling mistakes. Typing in tears never ends well 😢