Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

How frustrating @countrygirl99
Any reason given?

I'm feeling quite annoyed today. Saw my cousin in the village earlier. She was asking about everyone. Asked about my sister and said how wonderful it was she spent so much time with mum 😯😯😯😯😡😡😡😡
So I put her straight!
She really does think she spends lots of time with her!! It's SO odd! She demonstrably does not.
In fact after dad died I tackled her about it...she drove past mums old house twice a day on the school run and never even popped in for 5 mins...
She once went 3 weeks without even texting her! She literally lives down the road from her.

Sigh. Silly being annoyed, really.

@artdecolover I can understand the annoyance.

Covid is, of course, the reason for cancelling visits.

Knotaknitter I'm with you on that - still struggling with the feeling that Dad was pretty badly let down by the NHS over the months before the crisis that put him in his care home. And indeed during his hospital stay when having three simultaneous health conditions meant that two of them were basically forgotten about.

I have huge admiration for individual NHS workers who have gone through hell over the last couple of years and keep turning up to work and doing it all over again. But I can't buy into the whole "glorious NHS" stuff - it's broken and people are falling through the cracks.

chicken I suppose that’s why elderly people don’t always do well in hospital - medically, you’re not primarily a person you’re a “cardio case”, but once you’re past 60, you never are suffering health conditions one at a time. That, and the fact they’re out staffed up to deal with people who need help getting around, extra time to talk to because of deafness, etc.

“Broken nhs”? Fits neatly into the mantra of the last 40 years that private sector is always best. No incentive to staff it up to the levels it was at when it was so good that ordinary people didn’t feel the need to see whether there was an affordable alternative.

Just giving the thread a bump to make sure we don’t all vanish….. hope no news is goodish…….

How are you doing thesandwich?

I took DM for a hospital appointment today, having wangled a long/early lunch break. She refused to use the hospital wheelchair, so we got there late as she decided that was the time for her to practise walking again (won't go out with the carer to the end of the road and back). She moaned about everything the whole time - her neighbours, their cars, my weight (one of her favourites) - are you happy being so overweight Nota?

Dr told me how delightful and remarkable she was.

Fuck me.

Thanks for asking mum5 waiting test results etc but treatment likely…. Doing ok thanks to wonderful support so far. Thank you.
nota that must be so frustrating and stressful. Sounds like a trip out with a stroppy toddler who strangers consider angelic……
Have you heard anything re your health?
We can understand them feeling stressed etc by hosp trips but my goodness they can make it soooooo much harder…..
Took dm to m and s for the first time in 2 years on the hunt for the jumper equivalent of unicorn tears………
But the scones were v good( coffee to strong after she’d drunk most of it)
cockroach all

"She moaned about everything the whole time" It's so exhausting to be with someone like that, don't you think @notaflyingmonkey? I spent 7 hours with my mother yesterday and it was a constant stream of moaning. She never has anything good to say about anybody & if she hears about something good that's happened to someone she gives a deep sign and adds something a long the lines of other people living charmed lives/having the good fortune she's never had etc. I've never come across such a discontented person. I once suggested she count her blessings but she replied she hasn't got any 🙄

My Counsellor is away for the summer. I really miss my sessions with her - she's so good at making me think about situations, my boundaries & looking after my mental & physical health viz a viz my mother. I'm trying not to slip backwards.

Sorry you’ve had a day with the vortex of doom marmite it is so hard to maintain boundaries and not become dragged down. I find I can distract dm if out, much harder at home.

I went to the gym this evening, and had a swim. It so helps my mental health.

I've been accepted for a place on a therapeutic gardening scheme, I'm looking forward to it. Think that will be good for my mental health.

That sounds interesting Marmite. I have a garden which I enjoy, but I sometimes go a bit mad with the secateurs when in need of imposing order in my life!

@Ieatmarmite

I've been accepted for a place on a therapeutic gardening scheme, I'm looking forward to it. Think that will be good for my mental health.

There's a very good gardening board on mumsnet - there's been lots of new people this year who have taken up gardening in lockdown so don't have the first idea about it. It's a good place to ask questions or share delights or frustrations.

I've been out for a walk this morning. It's taken me this long (nearly four months) to not feel rising anxiety as I put my key in the door and look for the winking red light on the answering machine. I don't miss coming in to 16 messages, her getting increasingly distressed because I'm not answering, having to listen to all of them in case one wasn't mum, not reaching the end of them before she called again. Now my life has returned to normal I can't believe what I used to deal with and think was normal.

knot I can completely understand that. I always tense with a private number.
marmite that sounds great. There was a fantastic piece on Gardeners’ world yesterday about edinburgh garden and it’s community activities.

I also saw that on Gardeners' World, Sandwich. it looked great.

I understand what you are saying Knot about normalising things. It's like the old saying about boiling a frog - we are the frogs and we do realise we've been on the boil for some time now because we haven't noticed the heat being turned up.

Hi all.

For some reason this thread dropped off my active ones so I thought everyone was enjoying the summer free of drama!

Will catch up properly later. For now I'm sat in A & E with mum who had a 'funny turn' earlier. Told the paramedics about the various issues over the last few months and combined with her BP, pulse etc they decided she needed to come in and they've flagged up that we should both speak to the doctor to try and get some better support in place.

Ha bloody ha!

Oh minty hope you get seen and sorted soon.

They said a few hours at least when we got here at 7.45pm.

Let us know how you get on Minty.

Hi Minty
I hope everything is ok for you. Give an update here when you get a chance.

I'm sorry to hear that Minty. She might take some action now that someone other than you has said something, now that it's official.

I had three hours at AnE last Sunday morning with mum who had a TIA during the night. When the carers went in to wake her up her speech was slurred and her face had drooped, by the time the ambulance had arrived she had recovered. I thought it would be quiet on Sunday morning but it was mad busy.

@Knotaknitter oh no! How's she doing now?

I had the opposite, it was weirdly quiet for a Saturday night.

Mum was on the phone to me about 5pm yesterday (for the 4th time) when she cried out and the phone went dead. Shot round there and found her slumped in her desk chair apparently unconscious.

She came to quickly with a bit of prodding and shouting, but was pretty vague.

In a nutshell shed spent the whole day overdoing it and getting stressed out, culminating in crawling about on the floor looking for DVD of dad's funeral that she thought she'd mislaid. She had an attack of leg cramp and the ensuing struggle to get to her feet and over to the phone caused a combined atrial flutter/BP spike/pulse drop that made her back out briefly.

No further discussion of the issues around it all - her stubborn refusal to accept help unless it's from me or a small number of chosen friends; not looking after herself properly especially re meds and eating/drinking; the confusion with everyday tasks, forgetting where she's put things etc.

I guess I will have to try to get a GO appt to discuss it but I'm back at work in 10 days. Have no idea how I'm going to cope with her, a full time job and my own health issues but perhaps it will be easier with the boundaries enforced by routine.