Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I have told the hospital I don't think I can cope with her coming home. She is unable to move in and out of bed by herself. She goes to the toilet a couple of times in the night. I can not imagine having to get up twice in the night to go out to her. I feel split in two. One half of me wants her to be home and happy. One half wants to be able to sleep all night in my own bed without having to get up and dressed and go outside twice in the night - more exhausting than having a baby.

The other thing that is very strange is that she honestly seems to have lost track of where she stops and I start! When she went into rehab she told me that someone had asked her what she did before she was married. She told them she was a PA - that was my job! She was a GPO telephonist. Apparently she is now telling people she has five children. She doesn't. She only has me. I have five children.

I have realised that even if she was capable of being alone overnight she will be far more dependent/needy than she has ever been.

I feel so guilty for even suggesting that I don't want her home. She has done everything she can for me and my children but I don't think I can cope. What should I do?

Hairbrush you know me (ish) I am a stern old bastard and I take no sh*t from my DM, so this is my take.

There will come a point where you cannot provide the care she needs: where it must needs go beyond your capacity, and your competence. It's not about what anybody wants, it's about both your, and your mum's, clinical needs. She is approaching a point where you are not able to meet those needs. To say it's more than you can manage is not saying you don't want her home: it's about making sure she's taken care of properly.

You only have one pair of hands. If you take on any more than one pair of hands can hold, you're going to start dropping things. That's not all right for either of you - any of you.

You do what is needful to take care of all of you, lovely.

She has done everything she can for me and my children...

And you have done everything you can for her...now it's time for both of you to go down a different path.

Probably much easier for her to go from hospital to care home while she has some capacity and can settle and gain reassurance for you, than to have her back and then have to move her in 6 months time.

Oh hairbrush that sounds so hard, but you can’t do that. The blurring of identity sounds v strange and perhaps highlights that she sees you as her and why wouldn’t you do what she needs?
But the situation is completely impossible. It isn’t safe for you and her for her to move back. Please talk to your counsellor and sort your thinking.
You deserve your life, to be a daughter not carer. You and your family deserve more.
We are behind you.
minty echo pp…… your dm doesn’t deserve you. Put things in place and step back.
Imagining sounds….. dm has for years claimed her neighbours play music that only she can hear. Auditory hallucinations are a thing, apparently, worsened by stress. She won’t believe it isn’t real

Hairbrush - enough now. You've reached a crossroads. If your mum goes to a care home from where she is now the transition will be so much easier. Imagine if she comes home, gets settled and it's too much for you. It would be so much harder for you both for her to leave her home. You've done good.

Hairbrush It's not that you don't want her home but that you are recognising that you can't meet her needs as they are now. Do you remember how you felt when she had fallen and you couldn't move her? Hold on to that memory, horrible though it is because that's what the future would hold.

Does she get the higher rate of DLA - someone will correct me if I'm wrong but I think needing supervision during the night triggers that.

If you think back to the time when she first moved in with you, how much mobility has she lost since then? It may have worked at that point and was suitable for her then but we all have stories of parents clinging on to their home well past the point where it was a good fit for their needs. If it's no longer suitable for her then no amount of your intervention is going to make it safe.

I would like mum to be back home, messing around in the kitchen and the garden but that person I remember doesn't exist now. Since she fell mum is a different person and she's not safe on her own. If she was back at home she wouldn't be in the kitchen and the garden as I remember her and no amount of wishing will make the past come back.

Attendance allowance not DLA. I think of the right one and then use the initials for the other.

visiting MIL and returning home with a load of soiled laundry and another list of things that needed to be collected from her house. for some reason it enrages me to visit in hospital and be told by a nurse there’s a big bag of laundry. As if I’d spent the day sitting at home wondering what to do. Same rage when nursing home says “he needs some more trousers”

Exexpat I understand your feelings of relief about your DF. I really hope you get your DM to move to sheltered accommodation, it sounds ideal. I realise I spent too much time waiting for mine to make decisions she was ambivalent about until I’d just had enough at which point I replied ‘I can’t solve that, you need outside help’ to every problem caused by her living alone until she absorbed the message.

Well done Knot. I am imagining you practising your ‘No!’ Travis-Bickle style in a mirror.

Hairbrush your DM may never tell you she’s happy with anything you arrange. Her response is not your fault or your responsibility to fix. You are doing a great deal for her. You have reached the end of what you can do for her and maintain your own (and your family’s) health and wellbeing. It’s absolutely right for you to stop and to make it crystal clear to everyone involved in her care that there needs to be a new arrangement.

Mrs S your DM is very lucky you are prepared to put up with that, very lucky indeed. As Dint says, you now have a handy visit-length guide.

Mrs R You are not responsible for your DM’s chaos and you are right not to be manipulated. If your DM gets drunk and injures herself or passes out, it is entirely her doing and I deeply disapprove of her essentially threatening you with this. If she thinks she needs a care home, that sounds positive.

nota I hope things go well and you’re taking care of your own self first. It’s sad your DM speaks to you like that.

Piste my DM threatened to kill herself regularly. In fact I had a distressed call from a young carer who she’d said this to at one point. I pointed out that DM hadn’t the means and not to worry. When DM said it to me I always reacted as if she’d made a little joke. She stopped saying it.

I’ve just come back from an extensive visit to where DM is in her new care home. I am beyond relieved she’s there and have support from all involved that she stays there. There’s a load of new admin to do but that’s fine. Although I know what you mean about the trousers Dint - it’s shoes and slippers with me. Hotters here I come.

I'm liking the new decor in here.

I second the admiration of the new decor Binary. It's become a space that I really need and value to get me through. I may not always respond to other posters or be particularly coherent when I do post, but I check in at least once a day and it always gives me food for thought.

Maybe we need to add a rack of comfy slippers though, for when our feet get tired of walking miles in our own shoes?

Maybe we need to add a rack of comfy slippers though, for when our feet get tired of walking miles in our own shoes? Consider it done! Anyone else have any requests?

Okay so they're not quite slippers but...

I like but £

While we're on the subject of slippers, can we have some big throws - maybe summer and winter weight - because I find them very handy to hide under!

I spent most of yesterday on the phone to various relations - mum's brother, her brother in law and sister in law, my kids and my cousin - telling them my decision and they are all 100% supportive. Now I need to be sure the authorities understand that she can not come back home!

She can be so lucid and articulate then suddenly she's a different person. I phoned her yesterday to give her some good news about my son (he got a First in his degree) and she was so excited. She knew his results were coming out yesterday and had been waiting for me to call her, wanted me to send him a present etc. But then she started talking about me coming to see her and how it would be lovely if she could see me again. I told her I would come and see her on Saturday (she is allowed a 30 min visit once a week). She was shocked that I could come "I didn't think I was allowed visitors". "When is Saturday?" (Guess that one is understandable!) and then "Where do I have to go to be sure I see you? I don't know where anything is!"

I feel I am starting to grieve for her and losing a piece of her every time I see her.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

While we're on the subject of slippers, can we have some big throws - maybe summer and winter weight - because I find them very handy to hide under!

I spent most of yesterday on the phone to various relations - mum's brother, her brother in law and sister in law, my kids and my cousin - telling them my decision and they are all 100% supportive. Now I need to be sure the authorities understand that she can not come back home!

She can be so lucid and articulate then suddenly she's a different person. I phoned her yesterday to give her some good news about my son (he got a First in his degree) and she was so excited. She knew his results were coming out yesterday and had been waiting for me to call her, wanted me to send him a present etc. But then she started talking about me coming to see her and how it would be lovely if she could see me again. I told her I would come and see her on Saturday (she is allowed a 30 min visit once a week). She was shocked that I could come "I didn't think I was allowed visitors". "When is Saturday?" (Guess that one is understandable!) and then "Where do I have to go to be sure I see you? I don't know where anything is!"

I feel I am starting to grieve for her and losing a piece of her every time I see her.

@hairbrush the change of surroundings will have made her confused. Once she gets settled and things become more familiar, she will be more lucid. She's probably very anxious so just reassure her as best you can. I dreaded seeing DM when she was in respite care, initially she had deteriorated so much it shocked me to the core. She did improve so much as the weeks went on though.

Once thing I would recommend though is when the time comes that she goes into full time care, do not tell her it is because you cannot cope. She will guilt trip you like you won't believe. Blame it on Social Services, the GP, hospital, anyone you like but make it quite clear it is out of your hands. So glad to hear all the family on board, you are definitely making the right decision. Sending love, I know this must be a difficult and upsetting time for you

She has been told today that she will have to go into a home. I phoned her this evening and she was so upset. "You know that I have always said I didn't want to go into a home!" I just keep repeating that I love her and want what is best for her.

We have a meeting next week with the discharge nurse. My husband will be at work so I am taking my cousin with me. If my cousin was my sister she would be "the Golden Child". Everything I suggest has to be run past her. She has to be kept happy at all costs. Except that my cousin and I are entirely on the same page and she is nothing but supportive to me! Our thought is that mum will assume my cousin is on her side and maybe mum will be more accepting if my cousin says that she thinks mum needs more care.

Tonight I feel really sad. I miss my mum as she was and I am worried that our relationship will never recover. But nothing can convince me that she is safe to come home.

Oh hairbrush...

I found it helped to think of it in terms of Dad being a bit like a toddler in terms of needs and helplessness.

You wouldn't leave a small child in scenario where it's needs weren't being met and it was at risk as it's no different from an elderly person.

My dad wanted to stay at home until the end, but my mum couldn't care for him properly, I couldn't be here 24/7, and the hospice had rejected the GP's referrals for him twice.

He was much better physically cared for in the last seven weeks and slipped away clean, pain free, and well cared for with calm nurse by his side reassuring him.

It's more than I could ever have given him at home with my mum present and for that I'm hugely grateful.

You have obviously done your best and so much more. You are still doing your best by ensuring she gets the care and support she needs.

Take care if yourself.

hairbrush I know it is so hard. You have done so much but please listen to minty and her hard won wisdom.
Rally your support. Teflon the shoulders. And grieve for what you have lost.
🌺🌺🌺

And speaking of grieving...I have mum sobbing this morning...

Not because its 4 weeks today since dad's funeral...

Not because we're going to pick up the DVD of Saif funeral (I have no idea why she wantes one but she does)...

...but because L has told her he's handing in his notice and he hasn't messaged her since he told her on Wednesday

And she wonders why we're not close and I appear
to spend time with her under sufferance atm

Oh minty🌺🌺🌺

Oh dear Minty. This is where it could go either way, he never sees her again or there are now no restrictions on him seeing her. Time for her to go somewhere for a short holiday?

Hairbrush It might be worse before it gets better but it will get better. Today is 12 weeks from mum's fall, I saw her earlier this week and she was quite bouncy. I am not responsible for any part of her life now other than paying the bills and trying to get new clothes that fit her. It's a massive change from feeling that I was permanently on call but you do adjust. There was a lot of guilt that recovering my life came as a result of a huge change in hers but the thing is that it wasn't my choice or my actions that lead to this. It was the result of an accident. I didn't choose to put her into a home, she needed to be there because she wasn't capable of living in her own home any more. We were out of other choices, none of them worked.

It's not about what your mum wants, it's about what she needs. Accidents happen all the time and people have to live with the consequences. The one good thing is that this didn't happen a year ago, visiting restrictions are easing now and you might actually be able to look round care homes. Ours is opening the front door to visitors next week, no more walking round the back for me.

Time for her to go somewhere for a short holiday?

Timbuktu on a one way ticket perhaps?

Oh Minty,
I don't know how you put up with this whole L situation. At least now you know he is leaving his job. He told your mother this and has not been in contact with her since. What does she expect you to do about it?
Its good news that he is moving on. I feel he is doing this because he knows he has stepped over the line and he is going before his employer tells him to go.

@Ilady

Mum thinks he is having a fling with another client 🙄.

We've just got back from the funeral directors, saw the woman who originally took all the details but didn't do the job on the day as mum wanted a man doing it...

She saw my t-shirt (Adulting...Difficult AF.../* would not recommend) whilst we were talking and mum was being her usual self and nodded at it and murmured that I'd chosen an appropriate one for today .

I knew I liked her when we first met...turned out we both used to go to the same karaoke bars back in the day!

While we're on the subject of slippers, can we have some big throws - maybe summer and winter weight - because I find them very handy to hide under! Haven't you found them yet? - they're in that big blanket box in the corner.

Minty I refuse to have anything in here that harms graphic cockroaches. (RL ones are shown the door).

Feel hardly able to speak about my small troubles given what Minty and hairbrush (congrats to son btw) are facing, but...

Distressing visit to Dad yesterday "I might as well be dead" "I can't do this any more, I just want to curl up ..." "I might as well kill myself". He's never been like this before, he's always astounded me by his ability to withstand awful situations and upset, he's never been emotionally manipulative. I don't know how to make thing better for him. I've told the manager and she's had a long talk with him (he's very fond of her), but he hasn't told her any more. I'll ring laer to see how he is today.