Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Oh @countrygirl99 I really feel for you.

My mum was not great with my dad during the last 18 months and particularly the last 6, and that's without Alzheimers, although I do suspect some element of cognitive decline.

She was the same...fussing one minute, getting frustrated with him the next, in denial about his prognosis and totally lacking in patience with some of the nitty gritty of caring.

I'd get round at 9.45 in the morning to find that he'd been asleep when she'd gotten up at 8am, so she'd just left him and got on with housework etc. The carers would be due and he'd not have had a drink, breakfast or meds.

She was reluctant to give him regular pain relief and would wait until he was really struggling because she didn't want to keep 'doping him with tablets'.

If he soiled the bed she couldn't cope at all...idget calls at all hours to sort him out and she'd be moaning about the mess and smell in front of him whilst I did all the cleaning up.

How often are the carers coming in?

I was planning to go up tomorrow but I will go up this morning instead. God knows where we go from here. DB said Thursday she couldn't understand why he couldn't go to Tesco with her.

At 7.05 this morning I was in Sainsbury's when I got a call to say dad had fallen again and the ambulance hadn't arrived and she had phoned hours ago. Knowing mum's current capacity for judging the passage of time that could be anything over 20 minutes. Had she phoned DB who lives 5 minutes away? No, apparently she hasn't got his number! Despite him regularly being on call. So managed to rouse DB who went round to be told it's none of his business. Ambulance arrived at ghd ssme time as yhem. Dad has been checked over and left in bed. Mum was ranting that she is "sick of your father not doing anything around the house". A few weeks ago I had to stop him trying to empty the pond and sort out the pump! He's 94, partially sighted with arthritis, osteoporosis, dodgy kidneys and a weak heart. Going up this morning. I'm not letting her know or she will be on her best behaviour and I want to get picture of what's really going on. Can feel a call to social services coming on. They have enough money to outsource the chores but will neither do it nor let one of us sort it.

countrygirl while you are there, check that DB is on speed dial on the phone. I know there's a perception that elder care is the daughter's job but that's a hangover from ye olden dayes when the daughter didn't have a job and maybe did have help in the house.

I think you're right to consider social services, it sounds as if they are at the stage where your father's needs can't be reliably met by your mum and it might be that her lack of comprehension is putting him at risk. You could maybe frame it as that you and DB don't know what to do and you think you need some professional advice. It's arguable whether your mum can send them away, she may not have the capacity to act in her best interests but she shouldn't be able to decline for your dad.

Dear Countrygirl and good morning all,
I was told by several people I should get social services involved for my two (mum with increasing disability and memory) and sibling (with personality addiction and mobility issues caused by falls etc) and suggested it to them at crisis times but went with their refusal. In the end and several years later it sort of went the other way when SS got referrals from ambulance service, GP and police. I wish I had ignored the original refusals, and not been so scared of what would happen tempers lost accusations etc - and just done it as they weren't safe. That was the line I could have repeatedly taken and stuck to when things got nasty.

I have found social services to be discreet, friendly and - of course massively overworked, but it is so good to be on their radar and they have helped quite a bit. At times they have been the conduit for extra help that I then find out about afterwards which has definitely lessened the stress. I do hope you contact SS. I do feel for you Countrygirl as I do for MrsRussell and Hairbrush and Minty and Knot and in fact myself and my husband and - it can feel so relentless can it not.

However a minor glint in an increasingly muddy pool last week when interest in having the internet was expressed. I got told in no uncertains to back off when I started to put this in place years ago, so this is quite interesting.

The other things that have been great for me are having an A4 spiral notebook with all numbers and memos of conversations in, and - calling the doctor for emergency teleappointment as I was waking up at 3am and that was it, a very long day stuck with my own misery and repeat. I was prescribed Mirtazapine, which is actually an anti depressant, and when I read the leaflet I called the doctor and said noooo I am not depressed I am very anxious I need something for anxiety! However this Mirtazapine was exactly right in that you take one in bed at night and oh friends you sleep. It does also deal with anxiety and although I don't take them all the time now, even though I am yet again standing on the edge of a volcano (of sh*t) as DH puts it, I am in one piece, more or less. Kinda. Not for everyone I know and many say you gain weight on this particular one, but just in case someone who is humming and ha-ing about stating their anxiety needs to the Dr, please consider calling your GP to discuss YOUR needs.

@Firstruleofsoupover sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I manage largely with all the usual woo stuff...aromatherapy, meditation apps, rescue remedy etc, but I have a low dose of diazepam on prescription for when it gets too much.

I was scared to try it for months but it just takes the edge of and I haven't found it addictive. I just use it if I'm feeling particularly anxious at bedtime and other methods don't work, or after a 'major incident'

@countrygirl99 I'm sorry things are so rough atm...it's awful when you feel you have to go against one parent for the benefit of the other, but it sounds as though social services involvement would be a good idea.

I presume despite your mum's Alzheimers the powers that be are still assuming she has capacity?

By the time I got there it was all calm and mum was back to clucky again. DB is normally the first called, he's the golden child and they followed him when he moved away, she most definitely has his number in the landline phone and her mobile. I suspect she knew deep down she was behaving badly so I got the call. Dad phoned me last night because I'm before him in the alphabet so scrolling down he got to me first. DB is going to try and call in around the time the carers come tomorrow so he can see what they think. They are struggling to understand how to use some of the equipment so that will be his excuse to talk.

The thing about this thread is that my problems fade into insignificance when I see what others are dealing with.

I went to see mum this afternoon and she was in very poor spirits. She had had a funny card from my son and all the nurses had laughed with her about it and flowers from a friend but was on the verge of tears all the time I was there. I have never seen her so down.

I was trying to be upbeat and tell her that she will be moving to a home temporarily until the care package is in place but it could be a few weeks. I think she feels she has nothing left to live for.

On the plus side the staff are aware that her mind is not right. She is talking about visitors who we know have not been to see her. They have decided to put her on the Butterfly Scheme so my cousin and I filled in the form together. It was good to have someone with me to do the questionnaire because she thought of points that I had not considered.

I'm going to try and phone her every day to show her that I'm still thinking of her.

I just feel sad tonight.

This thread helped me feel that I wasn't alone, I certainly felt isolated and alone dealing with DM and MIL's many problems. Why did no-one else tell me about the miracle of the red bag for washing soiled laundry? That's because there was no-one else to talk to.

I think the bad daughter's room should be renamed the room of reluctant martyrs. It's not that we're bad daughters, just that we're not prepared to sacrifice all of our life to support someone else's life.

Mine is still drinking, but we seem to have come to a compromise where she drinks after she's done her day's chores. Which I said I have no issue with. Hairbrush a thought, but did you always ring your mum every day? If you didn't, will it not make her more upset if you start now - thinking it might remind her of the "old" normal?

I've always talked to mine every day. (She'd decided we'd gone on holiday this time.) She actually wants to go into a home: I think it will be good for her. It's just getting the right one.

Ah @MrsRussell as if it was ever as simple as ringing her every day! I would have between 10 and 15 calls from her for all sorts of reasons, mostly needing me to go and see to something but when I was away I was expected to phone twice a day, at least.

Although when I am with her I talk the talk about her coming home I can see that even with four care visits a day she will need even more support than I have been giving her.

Ah, I was thinking when you said you'd ring her every day so she knew you were thinking of her.
It's a bit rotten all round. Have a most unMumsnetty hug.

@Knotaknitter red bag is news to me! Had to google after reading your post to find out about this. Thanks x

The introduction of a red bag system for soiled washing made my DM so furious with me... that she hasn't actually had an accident since!

I think the reason she criticises everything I do is that I am fairly grey rock with her - I don't tell her anything about me or my family that she can either use against me or gossip about. So it only leaves things I do when I am there for her to pick up on, like have I actually washed my hands before treating her wound? No doubt she tells anyone and everyone that she has to remind me to do so (Not only have I washed them, but I'm also wearing surgical gloves in case you wondered).

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere you have my sympathies, when DM was in respite care she was so sad and unhappy, it broke my heart. I used to dread going to see her as she was so down and depressed. We did get her home with carers and so far she is just about coping, for how long I do not know.

Her latest thing is threatening to kill herself. Does anyone else's parent do this? It is so unlike her, she has never been one for hysteria but Wednesday it was over ready meals, killing herself if she ever had to eat another one and today when talking about care homes (she brought the subject up) she said that when the time came, she would just kill herself instead. All very upsetting although I know she doesn't mean it. She has also taken to criticising pretty much everyone including carers, friends, family, the gardener, nothing is right. I try to jolly her along but sometimes I snap back at her that then makes me feel guilty!
@countrygirl99 I do hope things improve for you-sounds very difficult.

@OnthePiste yep, the suicide threats are not uncommon here either. The other day she was actually sitting at her desk playing with a knife.

I said to stop it or shed cut herself and she replied that that was the aim, so I immediately said I would have to call 999 and ask someone to take her in for an emergency psychiatric assessment...needless to say the knife went rapidly back in the kitchen drawer.

The other regular feature is when I say 'Bye, see you later' I get a doleful look and a 'I hope so' or 'well, maybe...who knows?'

I realise I sound deeply unsympathetic but none of her many health problems are imminently life threatening and she's terrified of death so the likelihood of her topping herself is pretty remote.

My MIL - If I can't come and stay at yours , I'll kill myself, If I get told to isolate and can't go out , I'll kill myself. If I have another winter like last year , I'll kill myself.
My reply
Oh dear , moves on.

When she first went into hospital she said "If you put me in a home I will die!"

Today she was saying "None of our family has ever gone into a home. But here I am being shoved into one against my will."

She has always, always dismissed my contribution to her care. "I get by with a little bit of help!" But that "little bit of help" over the past 8 years has wrecked me emotionally and mentally and left me exhausted physically as well. I am trying to explain to her that the professionals are saying that she needs more help than she was getting from me but she can't/won't see it. As far as I know the plan is still for her to come home with 4 care visits a day but I don't know if she is able to take herself to the toilet/commode and back.

I am also afraid that with her mental decline she will be more demanding than she has been in the past.

Has anyone got a link for red bags? There are so many different makes out there and I want ones that won't wreck my washing machine.

FIL is one for threatening to kill himself. DH just points out that meas MIL will have to go into a home which FIL is desperate to avoid.

Yes, DM said that they would go to the beach and walk into the water rather than go into a home. She forgets they would need me to drive them to the coast……and with their mobility would need to choose a beach with good parking and easy access to the water. Knowing them they would forget their blue badges.

www.amazon.co.uk/Laundry-Soluble-Dissolving-Strip-Pasha81/dp/B0881VY1TQ/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&crid=3RIO9LF4O24CV&keywords=red+laundry+bags+with+soluble+dissolving+strip&sprefix=red+laundry%2Caps%2C168&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1626077789&sr=8-5

I so value this space to be able to vent and read what others are going though. The stuff about threatening suicide being so prevalent is so bloody sad.

When DM was in hospital following her stroke the medical team put her on ADs, which had the very very strange and extremely unwelcome side effect of making her want to talk about sex all the time. Specially whether my DS at 16 has been inducted into the wicked ways of women yet FFS.

Anyone seen this thread...I may have lost my rag slightly on it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4293959-Anyone-else-feel-like-their-own-parents-now-want-parenting

Currently at the hospital with mum who's awaiting an angiogram/plasty. She's sobbing and waxing emotional to all the staff about her recent widowhood...and in between them popping in and out messaging 'L'.

I am so upset and angry with her right now I don't actually know how I'm staying in the room.