The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Minty. Hope the day was ok.

Thinking of you minty
💜
It's odd. Mum seems content and is (touch wood) healthy ATM but mil is causing issues now 🙄

Oh well. Not my problem!

The funeral and wake went well. Then we got home - me, mum, her friend and my BF. DD went to work.
We were having a few drinks and a laugh then mum started wanging on about the 'companion carer' she's obsessed with and who is doing nothing to put a stop to it. He was at the funeral and trying to ingratiate himself with everyone.
I complete lost my shit and walked out. BF is staying with me and DD tonight and mums friend is staying with mum as far as I know.

Oh minty :(

Oh minty so glad it went well and your dm is priceless.
Leave her to it. Look after yourself and dd.

Yep
What ^ sandwich said

Haven't spoken to mum since I left hers yesterday.

She called my best mate last night but doesn't seem to have really grasped the issue at all.

I've tried to get hold of her friend who stayed over but no luck. DD walked past at half 9 and her car had gone.

I spoke to her briefly last night and she'd let mum have it both barrels as well so whether she's had enough too I don't know but would imagine it's highly likely.

Ah - you mean friend who stayed over's car has gone. I thought for a minute your Mum had disappeared! (which might solve a few problems [evil grin] )

I've realised the thing that annoys me more than DM saying before you go could you just, or could you get your DCs to.... and that is when DB visits and texts me DM needs x,y and z doing. The latest being her toenails need cutting. I texted back ...and?

I'm hanging on by a thread at work atm, my stress levels are through the roof and I am barely coping with the amount I already have to do for her.

Next time your DB sends that kind of message, could you reply with 'great, thanks...which of those can you tackle and I'll do the others?"

Spoke to Mum's friend...doesn't sound like she's been very successful at getting through to her but she's planning on staying with her tonight and my best mate is coming back to me later too.

We are very lucky with our friends.

Mum has been giving it the 'how can she do this to me' and telling my friend that I'm being unreasonable for putting her and mum's friend in an awkward position.....

Both friends are completely on Team Minty!

minty hurrah for friends. Look after yourself.
nota things sound really tough. Can you step back for a week or so from dm? Tell DB and anyone else that you are taking time off to protect your fragile health? Get social care to do more?
Worried for you. 🌺🌺

Notaflying I’d call your DB and tell him that you are hanging on by a thread at work. Why keep something that serious away from him? If he doesn’t step up, then at least you know. It is so hard juggling work, your own family and a 24/7 elderly

I responded and said I'm struggling with the amount of juggling I'm already having to do for her various medical appointments, and he said if I give him enough warning he can take a day's leave to cover it. (He's on a zero hours contract, in a really precarious role).

Note the admin is all still on me though.

Mine was released from hospital earlier this week, and has decided that if she's got to go back into rehab....she'd better start drinking again.
WTAF.
Just...done.

nota has she rainy day money to buy in help or company? We have a situation going on 350 miles away where everyone and anyone turning up gets screamed Get out my house

Mum's friend has just got off the phone. Mum's lunacy continues unabated and she has had to leave after my mum basically held her hostage for 20 minutes earlier and accused her of being untrustworthy and taking her side.

She was sat in her car gathering herself when she saw mum hurtling past in her car. No idea where she is although she apparently knows carer's address...

Just off out to see if her car is back yet.

Bloody hell Minty your DM is reaching Diva level. Just what you need.

Minty, I know it probably isn’t what you want to be spending time on now, while you grieve your lovely dad, but have you reported the inappropriate relationship to the carer’s agency? It seems like such a straightforward case of potential elder abuse. It’s not the same, but my mum became very attached to one of my dad’s carers - more in a ‘wanting to mother him’ way than anything else (inviting him to tea, trying to get him an allotment!) - but he was very professional, though kind. He only accepted one invitation to tea and came with his line manager! Anything else would certainly have cost him his job (and work permit).

I can remember my DM got very attached to the woman volunteer who used to drive my dad to respite care at the hospice. I think DM interpreted her empathy as friendship, and after dad died DM used to get her to go on days out with her. Poor woman had to extract herself in the end, DM was so messed up that she just didn't get what was going on.

@AvengingGerbil

Minty, I know it probably isn’t what you want to be spending time on now, while you grieve your lovely dad, but have you reported the inappropriate relationship to the carer’s agency? It seems like such a straightforward case of potential elder abuse. It’s not the same, but my mum became very attached to one of my dad’s carers - more in a ‘wanting to mother him’ way than anything else (inviting him to tea, trying to get him an allotment!) - but he was very professional, though kind. He only accepted one invitation to tea and came with his line manager! Anything else would certainly have cost him his job (and work permit).

100% agree with this He needs reporting He may have done this before

I've seen mum briefly this morning as needed to.pick some bits up that I left there on Friday.

She says she understands and won't talk about him any more but it's clear she's saying what she thinks I want to hear and doesn't really 'get it'.

She also said she can't bear to cancel his visits until after her heart procedure next month, which puts me in a predicament as she's cancelled it three times already and I don't want it to happen again.

I am tempted to confront him directly tbh.

Oh and mum has started smoking again after 14 years on the wagon .

Grief affects people differently. I would speak to his agency rather than confront him. You’ve got enough on.

I'd be wary of approaching him direct too Minty - in my experience of manipulative folks, they can often use that as "THEY are just trying to stop us being friends, THEY don't understand our special friendship" and it all gets a certain weird teenage glamour about it.