The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

It was the prospect of night calls that was in my mind MrsRussell. It was one of the first times I said no, at the time I had my hands full with mum and that made it easier to decline taking on MIL's care. I thought her family needed to see how unsafe she was and one of the ways of doing that was to have them acknowledge the fall calls. It's made them aware that she's confusing night and day (I told them but it's not the same as being woken at 3am because she fell getting dressed) and a few other issues. It's easy to ignore things you don't want to deal with but becomes more of a priority when you lose sleep to it.

counselling-matters.org.uk/angelas-word/

Quick name change as yes my name is Angela! Great poem

Wow. Just found this thread. It's sad but comforting to find so many people living through the same issues day in day out. Saying no. It's something I'm getting better at, but is only a recent development for me. Also, thanking people. I find I'm constantly thanking people for doing things for mum. As if all the jobs should be mine to do and I'm being done a favour if I don't do them for her.

As my mate Claire says to me @gonow.... what would happen if you didn't?

Maybe we should start a separate thread for Learning To Say No. See also, definitely-nope, no chance, not happening, and NO!

nota I hope you get seen quickly and they are able to get to the bottom of things and put your mind at rest.

Hope everyone else is getting on okay...I'm not very good with keeping up atm.

Dad's Orders of Service arrived yesterday - only half as many as I though I'd ordered but just about enough. Another box arrived today so we have the total I thought I'd ordered but God knows how I managed that.

I've managed to get the house under control and had a fairly relaxing couple of days, although I think I've pushed Friday to a dark corner of my brain on the whole.

Just had a call from mum who has got into a pickle trying to remove Dad's name from their joint accounts. The kind lady at the bank has sent her emails with the instruction not to open them until I'm there to help out as mum couldn't remember her.mobile number so has had to give them mine .

Mum was high flying PA back in the day so her struggling to deal with this stuff is scary as well as frustrating.

Oh, and guess who is coming to the funeral...?

Epic poem BTW

Welcome go
Hope all are as ok as possible and the hosp stays are giving some respite( knot and hairbrush)
minty I assume it’s. L coming? If so, could you focus on seeing it as support for your mum so you can think about yourself and your dd?

Well, yes...he's not coming to the wake thank God...just not sure how I'm going to cope with having to engage with him, especially if she starts going gaga about him.

Tbh other than a civil 'thanks for coming' if necessary I will keep out of the way...which will no doubt result in me being told off later for being rude...

Good luck with everything on Friday Minty if I don't see you on here before.

Can I join the Bad Daughters' bench even if it's not a parent driving me round the bend?
I do realize when people are frail, elderly and dealing with the sort of health conditions where the choices are more, "would you like to risk X which is a sideeffect of the meds for X, or, well, risk Z?" then they might well not be at their best.
But I'm allowed to come here and grumble because they said something pretty hurtful (I may also have comforted myself by thinking, "Strike One ..." even though I don't truly intend to operate a Three Strikes Rule! )

My DH is wonderful though - he said just the right thing (basically a prediction of what they might do next which was pretty observant). Made me laugh and helped wear away some of the feelings of outrage!

Apols for the vague posting but even though I'm a bit hacked off they haven't yet un-earned their right to privacy, and it's more about me wanting to just go AAAARGH rather than the specifics. This time, anyway!!

I would also like to thank all the posters - I've been a lurker and this board is full of good tips - I'm hoping not to have to use them but 🤷🏼 who knows what the future holds eh.

Welcome to the bench Woman there is infinite room on it for you to join us and vent away.

best wishes for tomorrow Minty, I hope everything goes well.

I'm having a few days away from the internet because I'm stressing over the world's problems again. I need to have a few days away from the news until my raging anxiety settles down.

Thanks Knot

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get through the next 48 hours (off for closed coffin visit in a mo).

I kind of switched off last week after finalising the arrangements and now it's real and happening and I don't want it to.

Minty keep talking to us then my honey.
There'll be a whole shadowy army of us with you at your back tomorrow, which is a most unMumsnetty thing to say but bollocks to that.

I deffo up for the shadowy army of support for you Minty. It's been a very long time since my DF's funeral, but for me there was all the stuff that occupies and stops you thinking - and then moments of personal quiet, which I needed to help me come to terms with it all.

What was lovely was having people who knew him from different parts of his life talking at the wake afterwards, and me realising that he was a multi faceted adult, rather than 'just' a dad.

knot sending 🌺🌺
And minty another member of the shadowy army behind you tomorrow. You can do this. Focus on you and your dd.
Do this your way. You will do him proud.

It's a tough one to get though Minty. I remember my dad's funeral and getting through it by eating one sweet after another. Haribo in the handbag.

@gonow I wish I'd thought of that...I've just bought 3 rolls of Lovehearts, and a stash of decent chocolate and crisps as we're staying with mum until Saturday and her Walker's French Fries really won't cut it. Also popped home for my bottle of Dad's favourite whisky.

The visit was lovely...I'm really happy with how I decided to do things. I had a lovely chat with him and good cry and played him some Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. Good test of the waterproof mascara too.

Thanks for all your support everyone...it's really does mean so much. I've checked out the bereavement thread over the last few weeks but I just don't feel like I 'fit' there.

I’ve been lurking really but just want to say Minty that I have followed your story for ages and I think you have real grit amid many frustrating things in the lead up to your father’s death and have dealt with them so so well, I’ve admired it so much - and of course admired the others parked on The Bench - and good luck for tomorrow. You will do him proud, you certainly have up until now.

@MysterOfWomanY I've though hard about the right to privacy. The conclusion I've settled on is that this is an anonymous board, so the only way anyone will recognise my father is by knowing it's me posting, and they'll know that only if I tell them. So I don't tell friends I'm posting here, and if I meet someone who I think I would benefit from joining us, I certainly don't tell them I'm one of the posters.

I also don't talk about my father in RL except to two close friends who have never met him and never will and since I hardly ever see them , I do need a another place to let off steam. So he does get privacy from people he knows.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow @MintyCedric I got through my dad's funeral with the help of a pocket full of mint humbugs. Going into the chapel I could barely put one foot in front of the other but I came out truly uplifted. I hope that that will be the same for you.

I went to see mum today and she is very unhappy. She has moved to a general ward from the assessment ward and she tells me it is very miserable. The lady across from her keeps crying all the time and there is a lot of shouting and arguing. She said everyone knows everyone else and she is very lonely.

I spoke to the nurse and they think that she might have a water infection which would contribute to the confusion. Mum doesn't know whether or not she can walk but seems to think she walks to the toilet whenever she wants to (she can't). She can't remember how she gets downstairs (she doesn't). She wet the bed last night but it doesn't matter because everyone does! They can not get her to mobilise at all so they are thinking of transferring her to a rehab centre for assessment. I asked them to do that when she was in hospital two years ago but all the cared about was getting her off the ward even though she had had no physio at all.

But right now she is not medically fit for discharge so I have a few days respite at least. I said that I had an appointment on Monday (my first session with the counsellor) and should I reschedule but the nurse said there is no sign of her being sent home. Not sure if I am happy or sad.

Will be thinking of you Minty - so glad you got so much from your visit.

nota I hope the referral brings some clarity and comfort. You don't need a diagnosis to do the cashing-up, cheap vodka and sunshine mind, or any number of alternative escapes.

Knot take care.

Hairbrush this is a good point for all to stock take, your DM's needs should be assessed before any discharge and you can decide what you're prepared to do from here on in.

DM is a bit elusive, not sure if its the complicated way I have to communicate with her at the home or if she's avoidant because she feels abandoned. Now I'm feeling some of the stress lifting, I think this should have happened about 2 years ago - can't believe she went through lockdown with just a cleaner.

It's absolutely chucking down, I've come on and mum is eating her breakfast in a way that seems designed to trigger my misophonia to the absolute max.

Have forced down toast and coffee and now feel decidedly queasy.

I just can't get my head around anything.

Minty it will pass, the rain will stop, there's only so much breakfast one woman can eat.
Like eating the proverbial elephant, one bite at a time. One breath at a time.

There are Developments with DM, but they'll keep for another time...

minty
I'm a nn changer but have posted on this thread many times in the past.
I just wanted to send you love for today.
It's 8 years since I lost my own beloved dad and it does get better. Not easier. Its never easy. Maybe we get better "at" bereavement?
You were such a constant strength and stay for your dad and you should be proud of that.
Deep breaths.
One foot in front of the other.
💜
In other news Mum and I are getting on better than we have in years 🤷‍♀️
I think it's because she's more content n the flat and I let more stuff go than in the past.
We were in the car the other day and she sighed contentedly and said "life is good"
😃😯
Sending love to all x