The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Definitely contact the agency
They need to know about his behaviour
It's raising all sorts of red flags

@MrsRussell

I'd be wary of approaching him direct too Minty - in my experience of manipulative folks, they can often use that as "THEY are just trying to stop us being friends, THEY don't understand our special friendship" and it all gets a certain weird teenage glamour about it.

That's exactly where we're at from mum's pov.

I don't know whether to do it now or wait until after the procedure. As we're already barely on speaking terms I feel like addressing it now and getting the shitstorm out of the way in one hit might be wiser.

Next issue is how much detail to go into. I was thinking:

"I'm concerned that mum has developed feelings for him that are inappropriate in the context of their relationship. I know he is aware of this and the fact he seems unable/unwilling to maintain appropriate boundaries makes me question his motives. The situation is also having and extremely detrimental affect on mum's health and wellbeing."

But will this be enough? If they manage to fudge over it and I go back and tell the powers that be everything it's going to look like I'm making it up because nothing has been done. It's so bloody ludicrous that I can't imagine anyone thinking it's believable.

A more accurate version would be:

• Contact via FB between visits for several months
• When this is not reciprocated, mum gets extremely distressed
• Obsession/online stalking (I found out yesterday she has acquired his address. He knows this and has done nothing about it).
• Some very inappropriate physical contact on one occasion, instigated at least in part my him, which he then said couldn't happen again and that it was her who started it (gaslighting?)
• Warning her not to be overly friendly with him at dads funeral (obviously aware of what people will think), yet hanging around and trying to ingratiate himself with my dad's brother and friends
• Constantly asking her if she's spoken to me about things...'what does Minty think?' etc, which Mum finds endearing but I think is him trying to establish if I'm onto him.
• Mum's friends equally concerned, as we're carers from other agency as far back as January.

Just include all of the above^ info, including noting other people who know your mum being concerned.

Please don't leave it.

Your mum will do what she wants re: the proceedure. You know this. There's nothing you can do about it.

I'm so very sorry. Her behaviour over the past 18 months has been nothing short of abusive towards you and your late dad.

She sounds like a total narcissist.

In other news mil has started the crocodile tears regarding her behaviour on my Son's 18th birthday. Dh has told her that her behaviour was not acceptable.

A quarter of a fucking century I've been putting up with her bigotry and judgement.

I'm done.

Minty, I think you should give the agency as much detail as possible - I used to work with vulnerable adults & the things you describe would be a definite no no. In the case of friending on Facebook, where I worked it would have been a disciplinary matter. I would have thought the agency would also be concerned because it could lead to them having their reputation (as an agency that safeguards its clients) bought into disrepute.

Minty it's whether he can use your concerns against you, that's the thing. Keep it formal, I would, approach the agency not him and play his game back at him: you're worried that your mum is developing feelings for him that might make it hard for him to behave professionally, you're aware that she has been overstepping the client/carer boundaries (and give examples, eg the online stalking) and that people outside your immediate family have started to pass remark on it, and you would like some action to be taken to safeguard both your mum and his professional integrity.

You're not accusing him of anything, after all. You're saying, I think, that you're worried that your mum is emotionally vulnerable and that you want to be sure that everyone involved is protected, including her carer. I mean it would be the end of his career if he were to be found to have been grooming one of his clients, right...?

Mrs08 I hear you.

Glad your DH is on the same page. Isn't it funny how they get all apologetic when they get caught out, though?

She's not sorry @mrsrussell :)

She's VERY sorry she's been stupid enough to say it with witnesses present though!!

Historically it was very much 1-1. My word against hers iyswim?

Fil is pretty pissed off with her, Bil says nothing.

Apparently, her bigoted comments come "from her childhood" 🙄🤷‍♀️
Utterly baffling really.

Anyway, don't want to hijack the thread
Suffice it to say I'm done with the bloody woman!

I know that one! "I didn't mean it like that" and "you're just throwing it back in my face to make me feel guilty" being two of the stock phrases here. See also "you're just looking for something to be offended by" and "it's more complicated than that"...

Oh yes :)
It's the bigots script isn't it?
"It was a joke"
"You're too sensitive"
"I didn't mean it like that"
Meh. I've been called worse by better :)

Had a funny moment at lunch today...
Mum was here and ds2 (12) who is anime mad was asking us questions to decide which anime character we would be.
He asked my ds1 (18) how he would describe me and he paused for a while and said "tough but kind" 😃
I'll take that 😉

@MintyCedric

Yes another person who agrees that his managers should be fully made aware of the situation.

@Mrs08 just had mine on the phone (drunk as a skunk, natch) complaining that I don't answer the phone to her.

• note to the observant here: why would I want to have a conversation with a drunk on a self-pitying kick?

So I said - truthfully - I was in the kitchen looking under the sink: we've just had quite a significant leak and it looks like it might be dripping again. OH! Don't tell me that she says you'll have me worrying!

My washing machine, my soaked floor, but I must spare her delicate vodka-addled sensibilities....

🙄 @MrsRussell

I don't tell mum much tbh for that reason.

It's more hassle. I told her ds1 was having his 1st covid jab yesterday.

Cue 2 phone calls at 2pm and 10pm to check he was OK! Um..if he wasn't I'd deal with it!

It must be incredibly hard having a parent with alcohol issues. Look after yourself first (airplane oxygen mask analogy comes to mind...)

My mum isn't able to make phone calls anymore, so I'm spared that now. But for years if I was ill and trying to sleep it off she would be guaranteed to ring multiple times a day asking if I was better now. Waking me every time..

I had my phone unplugged for 4 days this week...

That's good minty
Thinking of you x

Anyway, don't want to hijack the thread You can't hijack the thread - this is the Cafe, for general chat about whatever anyone wants. Sometimes there will be several chats going on at once.Anyway, don't want to hijack the thread

Mrs Russel You've got your answer for the next time "No I didn't answer the phone, I was busy with something else which I can't tell you about in case you worry" . (No, I know that wouldn't be helpful)

But for years if I was ill and trying to sleep it off she would be guaranteed to ring multiple times a day asking if I was better now. Waking me every time. My Mum claimed I used to do that as a young child: every time she was lying in the dark with a migraine, she'd hear the footsteps on the stairs then "Are you awake?"..... "are you awake?" "ARE YOU AWAKE?"

Minty I'd suggest your first sentence about your mother being inappropriately attached, then after that stick to facts - don't speculate on what he knows or thinks. You've got enough in your second post to set alarm bells ringing. (You need to tell them all the facts so they can come to a reasonable decision.)

@MereDintofPandiculation

Anyway, don't want to hijack the thread You can't hijack the thread - this is the Cafe, for general chat about whatever anyone wants. Sometimes there will be several chats going on at once.Anyway, don't want to hijack the thread

Mrs Russel You've got your answer for the next time "No I didn't answer the phone, I was busy with something else which I can't tell you about in case you worry" . (No, I know that wouldn't be helpful)

But for years if I was ill and trying to sleep it off she would be guaranteed to ring multiple times a day asking if I was better now. Waking me every time. My Mum claimed I used to do that as a young child: every time she was lying in the dark with a migraine, she'd hear the footsteps on the stairs then "Are you awake?"..... "are you awake?" "ARE YOU AWAKE?"

Minty I'd suggest your first sentence about your mother being inappropriately attached, then after that stick to facts - don't speculate on what he knows or thinks. You've got enough in your second post to set alarm bells ringing. (You need to tell them all the facts so they can come to a reasonable decision.)

Fair enough!

I quite like the idea of being a hijacker.. it's.. edgy

"I didn't mean it like that" is usually heard after I've called MIL on something racist. I decided some years ago that I was through with biting my tongue and keeping the peace and that I wasn't listening to anything intolerant, certainly not anything that I wouldn't want my son repeating. Some of the stuff she comes out with is inexcusable, funnily enough she never can manage to say how she did mean it to come out if it wasn't "like that". I know that times used to be different but my mother is older than she is and she's learned that some terms that were in common useage are now insults.

The thread can't be hijacked because it doesn't have a direction. It's a place to pop in and drop your troubles on the floor and know that there are others here who understand because they've been through it themselves.

Minty I'm glad that the hurdle of the funeral is behind you. The surprise in your mum's behaviour is the smoking, the rest was signalled some time ago. Grief is a bitch, everyone feels it differently and it can cause odd behaviour - you're just not rational. The fixation on things you can control means you can ignore the vast universe of Everything Else that's too much to deal with. However L is not grieving and should know better.

My life is (mostly) blissful. The contrast between the grind of daily care with never ending phone calls and visiting a care home a couple of times a week is startling. I have free time and am reconnecting with the things I used to do that I've not had the time or inclination for in the last couple of years.

IthinkIsawaHairbrush I hope that things are going not too badly at the moment and that the meeting with the counsellor went well.

It's raining here, I'm going to look at that as a good thing as I won't have to water the pots or cut the grass.

Having a shitty day...couldn't motivate myself until about 2pm, then had to start searching for some paperwork.

Haven't found it as yet and every other thing I have rummaged through or turned over has had dad connotations, including a set of pencils he gave me when he was no longer able to draw and the last couple of birthday cards he wrote me himself.

Have spent the last two hours sobbing and blowing my nose. Given up now for a tea and cake break and best mate coming round in an hour.

knot it is so lovely to read your post and hear that you sound as if you are getting your life and self back. It’s often when something stops when we realise how much it has crushed us.
minty this to will pass, things will get better. Grieve however you need to. 🌺🌺🌺