The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I met with mum and the OT at the hospital yesterday. Mum says that she can go to the bathroom without help but apparently that's not true - surprise, surprise! Her walking, although very slow, has improved but she is unable to transfer from the chair to the bed by herself. In order for her to come home she needs to be able to do that - she will have a commode beside the bed - and they need the care package in place.

If she can't manage the transfer by the time the care package is in place she will have to go to intermediate care until she is can.

At the moment she is getting up once or twice in the night to go to the loo which would mean me getting up and dressed to go outside and help her.

She is completely in denial about the amount of help she receives in hospital and the help I was giving her - very much of the tinkly laugh "we can manage" school of thought while I am in tears at the thought of running in and out of the house 10 times a day to turn on the tv/pour her a drink/help her use the phone. This is in addition to the 40 minute toilet trips and the hours I spend sitting with her to keep her company.

The OT was lovely but firm with mum and said that she needed to accept the help or she would not be going home. Watch this space!

Hairbrush did you get the chance to tell the OT the reality of life? I think they see it all the time, the invisible daughter stepping in just before things go wrong so they never do go wrong. Mum had a spell in intermediate care after a smashed knee about four years ago. She hated the idea and fought against going but it was lovely and she enjoyed it when she was there. They had physio and OT support there, a therapy room with walking bars and mock steps and a small kitchen where residents could demonstrate their tea making skills.

It's a strange feeling when the pressure comes off you, I expected relief but it came with a big helping of guilt.

I've been out all morning taking mum to a hospital appointment so missed a call from someone dealing with MIL's care. The deal is that I do what I can but I am off the radar so the hospital and SS don't know I exist. The only way they can have got my number is if MIL has provided it because I'm certain that my SIL would have told them that I'm not available. My concern is that I'm being set up for another round of "my daughter in law is quite good, she'll do it". Unless it's a short term emergency I am done with caring for a while, I have hung up my rubber gloves.

The OT rang earlier when I was out. She has been unable to do the transfer so she is going to rehab! I am so relieved. It won't be a long stay (don't know how long that means) but it is what I asked for two years ago. I am so hopeful that this will help her. I am so happy that OT has seen what she is really like. Mum is a lovely person but very needy and clingy and not used to being told No by anyone!

It's awful that you are now being pressured by your MiL as well as caring for your mum. I was so relieved when my MiL talked to us about her plans several years ago - she bought a property with her daughter and her family and will go into a home when she can't cope. .

Phewhairbrush this is just what your dm needs. Ot’s are v good at seeing through bluff. Relish your freedom
knot hold that line.

Hairbrush in the autumn of 2017 round 'ere it was six weeks post discharge free and after that you could stay longer but you'd pay. It was a really impressive service, they covered whatever it was you needed. Going on buses, cooking, walking safely. It was about giving people back skills they'd lost or showing them an alternative way of doing things if they'd had a sudden loss of function.

See if you can get someone to tell you what is the likely stay and then book yourself a few days away somewhere. I suspect that if you say you've not had a holiday/time off in X years that they will understand that you need a break. It's before the end of term and when I was looking the other week there were plenty of places for a city break (I also looked at Morecombe and Northumberland). You know she's going to be safe, have plenty of social interaction, if you can get away early you will be back for the whirlwind of discharge planning.

Hairbrush - such excellent news. Make hay while the sun shines

Glad there's been some positive developments for you hairbrush and that you're finally getting a bit of time and headspace back knot definitely do not go down the MIL care route!!!

We've also had a good day today...lengthy trip to prom dress warehouse where DD tried on about a dozen outfits before choosing one that was twice the price I'd originally budgeted for in style she insisted at the outset she wouldn't like.

She looks gorgeous though and we're splitting the cost three ways between me, her and her dad.

Then we went for a lovely lunch and mooch around the shops before coming home. She deserves to be spoilt a bit after everything she's had to contend with in the last 18 months.

Knot I'm glad you finally have some headspace, resist them filling it again for you.

Hairbrush that's good news, it's a respite to evaluate what you can and can't shoulder long term. She needs to accept the help which allows her to carry on, at whatever level of independence she can still have. I would say my DM is more independent in the care home than she was in her own home where every day was just a long struggle against falling or making it to the loo on time, with no freedoms and no real choices - now with all the help on hand, she can eat a nice cooked meal in company or watch a film as part of an audience or go in the garden which are little freedoms she didn't have before.

What a nice day Minty I hope you have many more nice days with your daughter and fewer days having to sort your DM out. I don't know what the ages of your Mum and this male carer are but my DM's care agency listed inappropriate transactions in the contract to be reported to them and most were less serious than the boundaries he has crossed, although I appreciate he was not your DM's carer, he was assigned to the family. I personally would get together with the other concerned friends who have direct experience of this and compile a dispassionate, factual and not overlong report for the care company and send to the manager / director. I'm assuming she's significantly older than him but I may have that all wrong.

I have been dealing with DM's LPoA slogging through the various financial institutions it needs to be registered with, her bank are the worst. All I can say about it is Cockroaches.

Am I being a horrible daughter? My mother has called me 3 times before 8.30 and I've ignored every call. She lives with my sister & her husband plus nephews & niece so it's not like there's no one there if she's fallen etc.

marmite no you are certainly NOT!!!!!

I'm not sure I could cope with prom dress shopping, I missed that milestone because my DS and his group were prom refusers. They went out for pizza and bowling instead. I'm glad that you had a good time though Minty. My son has taken second place throughout the many granny crises and it's lovely that just as things are opening up we can go out for breakfast or to the cinema without me having my eye on the clock and coming back to 11 answering machine messages.

I have managed to lose a stone now I have the time to go out for a walk and I'm no longer celebrating getting through each day with wine and cheese at 9pm. I've told the doctor I am no longer a carer and I've stopped my carer's credit. MIL should be returning home from hospital sometime next week, I feel ok about that today rather than dealing with dread, guilt and resentment. No-one has asked me to do anything and maybe they won't.

How brilliant to read that knot hold those precious gains

Keep on keeping on knot you're doing brilliant!!!!
I've been down to see mum today and we had quite a nice couple of hours. I have set her up with her internet banking login (and Minecraft, she wants to learn how to play Minecraft!) but no bed-making, no bin emptying, none of that.
Was nice. That's sort of what normal looks like, I think.

It's so good to read that we are all (touch wood) managing to get a bit of space and freedom atm.

Had a rather terse convo with mum yesterday (re L...again ) but am going round later for a visit. She was desperate to tell me a 'funny' story about something that had happened when he'd been visiting another client. I listened in silence then told her I found neither funny nor professional of him to be discussing it with another client.

Anyway will then be away for a couple of days, camping with my best which will make a welcome change.

Minty hope the weather gets a bit drier! (I never had the, er, joy of camping with my bestie, who's too tall for tents, so I can't imagine how much fun that might be...)

Someone said on here the other day a thing that resonated with me about how once their parent - can't remember any more specifics - had accepted help how much more freedom their parent had also, that they could do all this stuff that they had lost the ability to do without it having to be timetabled in or asked for. Mum is now on board with the idea of going into sheltered accomodation and moving out of our village - she rang last night to say one of the other flats in her block has gone up for sale, so she thinks it's time to move on.

Hit "post" before I meant to - I wonder whether with your mum Minty, the boundaries have become so blurred that telling you the funny story was no more than "a funny thing happened in the office today"?

One of the other things that makes me sad for my mum is how narrow her world has become. She doesn't have that social currency any more, her whole world is bounded by the walls of her flat and the village shop, and so she is horribly, horribly interested in What The Neighbours Do - because it's all she's got.

Oh @MrsRussell I wish that were true.

She prefixed the story with "I know you don't want to hear about L but..."

I've never been camping with my bestie before either, and am not a huge camping enthusiast. My ex was really into it, but liked DIY glamping...8 man steel framed tent that took hours and several arguments to erect, double height airbeds, electric hook ups and mini fridges, full camp kitchen and proper cooking every night and sites with 'entertainment' for a week at a time.

I prefer two or three nights in my three-man which I can thrown up single handed in 20 minutes, a cheap airbed from Tesco, a firepit and peace and quiet.

Urgh, glamping! (I shouldn't say that, one of my friends has a glamping site and it's their living, but - it's not for me. I like a proper roof....)
I tell you what, I am so sad for the people down here on holiday - I know I'm supposed to be like "oh nasty tourists flocking to Cornwall bringing death on their tyres" but the poor buggers have as much of a right to sea and clean air as I do, so long as they're civil about it - imagine this is your holiday and it's p*ssing down all day.

Bloody miserable enough for me, and I live here!

Camping - I turn into an irritable dictator when I've had no sleep so anything without a wonderful bed is a nope for me and for anyone travelling with me. Having to think about food supply is no holiday either so (unless I get a dog) I'm done with self catering holidays too.

I keep looking at hotels but as I can't decide where to go I don't get further than that. Every day feels like a holiday, I've sorted the garden out and the next phase is redecorating my bedroom. All those things I haven't had time to do over the last couple of years are getting done apart from the paperwork for the blue badge renewal which is sitting looking at me from the end of the coffee table.

Every day feels like a holiday, I've sorted the garden out and the next phase is redecorating my bedroom. All those things I haven't had time to do over the last couple of years are getting done...

That's great. I've also got plenty of household clearing out and maintenance to catch up with...took 10 bags to the tip on Thursday!

I go back to work in 9 weeks so want to have the house straight and make some time for my writing before then as it will be hell on wheels.

I don't mind self-catering hols in the UK but not so keen when abroad. I already have a cottage booked for next summer and have already checked which supermarkets deliver. I'm familiar with the area now as have been there previously so feel more confident about getting out on foot and exploring the local pubs etc...can't wait!

DH and I are running away together! Our son is graduating at the end of July. We had planned to go up the day before, stay two nights then come home but we are going up TWO days before! So we have a whole day in a strange place to explore or relax.

I don't know what to make of mum. She has good days and bad days. I saw her on Thursday and it was as though she had never been ill. She chatted so happily and sensibly although she was convinced that Dr Jenny Harries was in the hospital for a conference because "there was a crowd of people around one of the door ways and there was a boy of about 14 who was probably her son"! But I came away thinking that she would be home and back to normal.

But yesterday she totally different. She was upset because she heard the phone ring at 6.30 a.m. and she had worried that there was something wrong with us at home. I thought had jollied her out of it and said that she must have heard the phone from the nurses' station. She said that she is struggling to walk and in awful pain. And then as I left she said "Is there any way you can find out who was calling me at 6.30?" She also has no idea how she came to be in hospital. I tell her she fell and got stuck but none of the gory details of the state of the bedroom and bathroom when I got there.

I spoke to the only nurse I could see around as I left the ward and she confirmed what mum had told me - that there were 29 patients on the list to be transferred to rehab. The patients who will benefit most from rehab are prioritised so I have no idea where mum is on the list. I feel I am in limbo now.

One thing I saw yesterday at the hospital that changed my view of the ward completely - I've always seen it as very busy, very "medical" - if you're not getting better you're written off type thing. There was an elderly lady in a wheelchair sitting by the desk. She had a dementia twiddle muff and a few other things in her lap and she was shouting phrases over and over. The nurse I saw at the desk was holding her hand and talking to her as she did her work, occasionally asking her to whisper when she was talking to me. I came away close to tears because there was so much compassion there.

Hairbrush I'm glad that you are able to get away for a couple of days. Does it help you to set aside a specific time for worrying? Give yourself a cup of tea and a timer for 15 minutes, write everything down on a sheet of paper and then look to see what you can do. There's 29 people on the rehab list? There's nothing you can do about that. No idea whether mum will return home? There's nothing you can do about that. When the timer pings then write down anything you can do on a to do list (order name labels so clothes can go in the communal wash) and be firm with yourself that you'll worry about that (whatever "that" is) tomorrow in the designated time slot.

You're not in limbo. Your mum is safe, maybe not happy but she wasn't happy at home either. She isn't on her own and there's always someone to do whatever she needs doing. Nothing bad is going to happen and you aren't responsible for every single thing in her life. You don't know when the next change is coming but whenever it comes you can deal with it then.

Ugh...just had three hours of melodrama with mum.

Yet more whining about why I don't want to get to know L...what a nice man he is...she can't understand my attitude.

In response to the fact I'm going to be away for oooh 48 hours 'well...I might see you when you get back...' whilst fiddling with a knife, followed by more or less threatening to slash her wrists. I told her I'd ring 111 and get her some psychiatric help..."no...no...I'm not going to do it...well probably, it depends how down I get..."

Followed by "I wish you cared about me more...I need you to spend more time with me..."

WTAF?!

You’ve got me in tears here, I’m not alone in this.
Dh , Ds who is 18 and I moved back here to UK in February. Dh has a job in one city and Mum lives in another about a hour away. We are having to split our time between two cities. Mum lives in a two bed top floor tenement flat , and we have to share the other room with our son when we are there. Mum had a long lie , over 12 hours until the neighbour found her, mum wasn’t able to reach her phone. She was in hospital for 2 weeks then discharged with no care package in place, we have spent weeks trying to get one in place, finally did and she doesn’t want it! She is abusive to me & Dh , he sits in the kitchen because she is so unpleasant to him, blaming him for “ taking her daughter and grandson away” and I am stuck in the middle.

She "needs", does she, hm Minty?

How very very odd that when it looks like you might have a sniff of freedom, all of a sudden her "needs" escalate.
Mine tells me on a fairly regular basis that she's going to take an overdose, it's sort of old news now. It is literally, brinksmanship. See what I can do to myself if you don't stop me. (I know she hasn't, I might add, because I see her meds - I'm not just being irresponsible.)

It's all about power and control, but you know that. I imagine the evening before you go there will be some sort of manufactured crisis which will demand that you drop everything and sort it out so you don't go away.
Oh - and if it were me, my phone would mysteriously run out of charge during the holiday, too.