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Elderly parents
Original poster

Advice please: Elderly mil cannot carry on living with me

475 replies

joystir59 · 28/02/2021 18:36

Sorry if this is a bit long:
My DW died in July. Her mum had been living with us for some years at this point. There is another daughter who is very hands off and lives approx 200 miles away
Mil is 87, poor sight, poor hearing, bad mobility, not able to manage her own affairs or communicate without extensive help, struggles to use the shower. I support her with shopping, laundry and overseeing things like GP reviews. She hasn't left the house for years. She is reclusive and uncooperative, will not grant her surviving daughter LPA, hasn't written a will, doesn't like anyone coming in to provide care or support e.g. if I want to go away. She is scared of being left alone at night and not able to leave the house unaided.
I have decided that she cannot continue to live here and I'm not prepared to become her carer and give up my freedom. I also don't think her needs are being met, and this will get worse. I want her to go into a nursing or residential home near her other daughter so daughter can oversee her care.
I understand she will need a Care Needs Assessment. Does anyone know if this can be done here where she now lives but then be used by the local authority in her daughter's area? Does anyone know how difficult it is to get an assessment that a residential home is needed?).
Any advice on any aspect of the process gratefully received.

OP posts:
oil0W0lio · 02/03/2021 11:37

@Eddielzzard

How about her DD tho? Why isn't she being hauled over the coals for having fuck all to do with her mum? Why isn't she stepping up? Because it's easier to force joystir59 to do it.
Because there is no way to make her step up she has no legal duty of care to this woman, she also knows that if she takes on this burden it will have a massive negative impact on her mental and physical well-being which will only grow worse and worse as time goes on. There is no good way through this!
Original poster
joystir59 · 02/03/2021 11:58

Mil's finances are her own affair. The house was always mine and DW's. There is nothing property or money wise linking me and mil in the past or present.

OP posts:
Original poster
joystir59 · 02/03/2021 12:05

I care for mil much more than she could ever be capable of caring for me. That's how it's been from.when I first got together with DW. Mil already lived with her then. DW had found mil a great responsibility and burden for many years due to her poor mental health and inability to run her own life. This burden now falls to me. I'm not unkind and uncaring, you cannot begin to know how dreadful I feel, and some of the comments here add to that. Mil doesn't feel dreadful! I've carried her emotionally through the last terrible year of my wife's illness and death. I need a solution to this situation as if I go under she will have to go into care anyway. I will eventually go under. It is not easy living with a negative energy drain day day out who says things that cut me to the bone, in my grief, such as "you've no idea what it's like being old" and all I can think is that her daughter who died aged 58 certainly won't get to know what it's like to get old.

OP posts:
joystir59 · 02/03/2021 12:08

This reply has been deleted

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oil0W0lio · 02/03/2021 12:11

It sounds as if you need a quicker solution than waiting 28 days for social services OP.
what would happen if you contacted social services to say that you have to have holiday for the sake of your mental health and it's up to them to arrange care for this woman?

Original poster
joystir59 · 02/03/2021 12:20

I'm not panicking, I need time. I've made the first step. Grieving takes so much time and energy and I'm not capable of forcing the hand of SS. Things will unfold in due course. It will be very good to have professionals carry out an assessment and by the time that happens I will be ready for them. It's also very good to be having, finally, a dialogue with mil about her needs and how they should be met, and what she can and cannot expect from me. Thank you for the rational and understanding responses from most people on this thread. Those who feel the need to judge also have their uses, as they make me think about things. I'm not judging 'thebother daughter' at all. She has been infuriatingly hands off over the years but does have her reasons, which she doesn't want or isn't able to talk about- DW tried to get her to open up. It is what it is. I can only proceed with kindness, I've had a belly full of guilt and sorrow this morning.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 02/03/2021 12:21

Joystir please ignore some of the idiots on here. I am your age and I couldn't manage to do what you are doing. Flowers

okokok000 · 02/03/2021 12:25

I feel for you op. You're in a very difficult position and unless you've been in it one that many people don't really understand.

I've bent myself inside out for my MIL over the past few years to the point it really had a huge impact on my mental health. In my case my MIL even by her own admission isn't a "nice" person.

You really do need to do what is best for you and ignore what other people think. You cannot sacrifice your life for your MIL. You'll need to be very very firm with Social Services.

BestIsWest · 02/03/2021 12:32

joystir59 Ignore some of the twats on here. I am caring for my own mother, I love her dearly and it’s hard enough. Doing what you are doing in the face of your grief for your DW must be incredibly tough and you must do what is best for you.

oil0W0lio · 02/03/2021 12:44

We should not be bending ourselves out of shape for people who will not bend at all
The mother-in-law has got herself into this situation, it might not be her fault that she's so dysfunctional but that doesn't mean that others should sabotage themselves on her account.

Caring for elderly relatives is often characterized as something that we are morally obligated to do because they cared for us, if I follow that line of reasoning then the appropriate way to pay my parents back is to do the absolute bare minimum, treat them as if they have no feelings at all and shrug if anything bad happens to them!

wandawombat · 02/03/2021 12:47

My Fil is struggling to cope with my mil & she's way better still than your mil. He's getting very worn down.

Firstruleofsoupover · 02/03/2021 12:47

I found Age UK to be able to provide the following for my elderly infirm mother during a recent crisis period: (I live over 100 mile away and her usual carer was in hospital)

Nothing
Nada

Due to mum's savings. I found it mystifying, such a big organisation and so many volunteers or so I thought.

However, by chance i came across Attendance Allowance which it sounds as though your mother-in-law would be entitled to, and mum now gets that which covers a bit of care. Do get the form posted to you, (you need to ring for it) as if she is entitled to it then payment is made from the date the form is posted. That has helped us a bit.

Good luck.

Original poster
joystir59 · 02/03/2021 12:50

Mil has too much in savings to qualify for any benefits and is too paranoid to apply for anything anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
joystir59 · 02/03/2021 12:50

But, thankyou!!!

OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 02/03/2021 12:51

@BusyLizzie61

If the mil isn't even given the opportunity to have a care package at home, we'll never know whether she'd refuse it when givne the stark choice of that or a home, will we....

For me, this is such a harsh and unfeeling move to go straight to home...

She doesn't have a home of her own where this can occur, unless the local authority can arrange that. I don't know what works out cheaper.

OP I feel so much for you. I can't cope with my elderly mother, who doesn't live with me, and of whom I am actually very fond. Your situation is intolerable and must be sorted. Of course you need to get on with your life. Flowers

rawalpindithelabrador · 02/03/2021 12:57

You're a bigger person than I am. I'd have packed my bags, slung my shit into storage and left her to it.

TheSilveryPussycat · 02/03/2021 13:00

Your MIL sounds as if she would qualify for Attendance Allowance, which is not means tested.

oil0W0lio · 02/03/2021 13:03

Previously fewer people lived long enough to develop complex needs requiring 24/7 care and the difficulties were not widely understood, as it becomes more common we increasingly become aware that we may be in for a very rough time in dealing with our parents.
When we have reached our 'golden years' and are hoping to rest and enjoy ourselves instead we will be facing a very rough time for some years
It will be harder and harder to get anyone to voluntarily take on this onerous task, people (consciously or unconsciously) will plan futures in such a way that they avoid 'getting lumbered', obviously most people won't say it out loud, but they will do it.

Clymene · 02/03/2021 13:06

I would imagine the very worse thing @joystir59 could do at the moment is apply for attendance allowance, given she no longer wishes to have responsibility for her MIL's care.

I can't believe some of the pious and unkind posters on this thread. If the OP were a man, there's no way they (or probably SS) would expect you to continue to provide care for someone who should be cared for professionally.

And FWIW, I will have no problem going into a care home when I'm old. I don't expect my children to look after me - I am not their responsibility

oil0W0lio · 02/03/2021 13:12

Attendance allowance would send a message of 'yes she can stay here'
I think you will probably have to force a crisis OP

Original poster
joystir59 · 02/03/2021 13:16

Regarding Attendance Allowance, she hasn't been classified as having any specific disability, and also doesn't cooperate with or deal with applications for things, or giving any details such as NI number, and IF she got this additional money so what? She isn't willing to.pay for anyone to come in and for example stay overnight so I can go away. She doesn't think she should pay someone £15/hour to do that, cos she doesn't need it. Even though she would then barricade herself in at night as she's scared.

OP posts:
okokok000 · 02/03/2021 13:17

@wandawombat

My Fil is struggling to cope with my mil & she's way better still than your mil. He's getting very worn down.
We had this. My absolutely lovely FIL wouldn't accept help then stopped taking his very important medication because he'd had enough. We didn't know until he quite literally dropped dead. It was only after we began to realise the true extent of the beast we were dealing with. He had hidden so much.
Original poster
joystir59 · 02/03/2021 13:19

I'm not interested in anything that cements her position further as being resident here.
I will be going away though as soon as Covid restrictions lift and I will be asking her to pay for someone to come to the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
joystir59 · 02/03/2021 13:21

And if she refuses i will be reiterating that this is an example of why she cannot stay here.

OP posts:
okokok000 · 02/03/2021 13:23

@joystir59

Mil has too much in savings to qualify for any benefits and is too paranoid to apply for anything anyway.
Attendance allowance isn't financially means tested. Definitely apply. Every little helps. You'll be surprised at how quickly her savings deplete.

www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/how-to-claim