The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I met my DM's new carer when I went over on Monday evening, and what amazed me was how different DM was with her. Chatty, engaging, etc. I honestly thought she was no longer capable of being like that, as the only side to her that I have seen for the past couple of years has been negative. It turns out it was just me!

I have spent days trying to get DM referred to the district nurse to get a leg ulcer dressed. It feels like one of those Chinese boxes that has a secret compartment that you can only open if you know where to press.

Oh nota it’s not you- it’s her.she knows somehow she needs to behave for strangers but can let the mask slip for you.
I am always astonished if dm answers the phone when I’m there....suddenly bright and positive rather than the moany person I’ve just been talking to......
Are things ok with care agency now? And good luck with unlocking the box....
Hope your week is going as well as poss minty

Sorry for dominating the thread...

I've decided to try out Meals on Wheels for DM for a month or so as she doesn't appear to be microwaving any of the meals for one I buy for her. They do a cooked lunch and pudding for £4, which is pretty good, every other company I looked at supply frozen meals, and I think she is passed the point of being able to manage that.

The carer said she is happy to approach the subject of incontinence with her - which was apparently met with bafflement by DM. The risk is she will go into a sulk with her for suggesting it, but I am clear that something needs to be done as it is clearly not a one off.

The more I think about the stress that taking care of her causes me, the more I realise that thinking of having her in an annex when we move was a moment of madness on my part. I am wondering about the possibility of respite care for a fortnight or so over xmas if there is a slim chance of my getting away somewhere for a break.

nota I think we all have those temporary moments of madness when dealing with elderly parents.

After much soul searching and discussion with parents, friends, carers uk etc, I have come to the decision to continue working. Hopefully I will be able to negotiate a phased return at the beginning of December and take it from there.

Have absence meeting on Weds and great colleague lined up to accompany me. It will make things more challenging going forward but whatever will be, will be. Is taking further time off at some stage is necessary then so be it and I'll deal with the consequences as they arise.

Dad had a particularly bad night this week and it rather rammed home the fact that I could leave work and if he passed away within a few days, which is entirely possible, I'd be completely stuffed.

Even he felt that having me round more would ultimately cause more aggro between me and mum and be better off avoided!

Good luck with the meeting Minty. I used to be a trade union rep, so if there is anything I can help with, feel free to PM me - the only advice I would give would be to make sure you have a copy of the disciplinary rules and the sickness absence policy beforehand. Also, ask if they have a carers policy in place.

DB texted me just now to say DM needs an eye test. I could feel my stress levels ramping up. Her list of demands feels fucking endless. I went online to request a SS assessment for her, as I am close to breaking point at having to deal with her and her needs.

nota do NOT apologise for dominating the thread- the way this little cosy corner of mn works is that whoever is in need is very welcome to seek help/ support/ gin or just a listening ear. We all have ebbs and flows of crap to deal with- you seem to be really in the thick of it, so ask or rant away.......
Can you take a day off? Tell dB you are not available? I know dm would like me there every day but I will not do that. I know I need space to be able to deal with all the other days....
Really relieved your moment of madness re dm moving in has passed.
Not sure if you will be able to sort out respite care without tests/ isolation etc- could you increase carers and get some time off? And what is dB doing about eye test? Why do you always get the monkey?
minty I think that is the right call re work. Good luck with the meeting.

Minty you do whatever you feel you need to do but I think it's in your own best interests to hang on to your independence. Your own house, your own life means your own income, if you can manage that.

Arranged DM a hot lunch through meals on wheels starting today. She refused to eat it as she wanted me to take her shopping to Tesco instead so she could choose her own food (she can barely walk two steps, hasn't been able to cook a meal for years, and has lost the capacity to even use the microwave).

I have requested a SS assessment to see if she would qualify for a respite stay somewhere.

Oh nota that’s crap. You’ve spent so much time and energy trying to help her.
Tell ss it’s emergency respite. You can’t go on like this. 🌺🌺🌺

nota does the meals on wheels allow a choice of food? Ours does, even though you have to choose a week in advance. Of course, knowing today what you will want for lunch next Tuesday is a long way from ideal.

No, no choice of food and no facility to express likes and dislikes either. I'm going over to see her in a bit and will no doubt get to hear what she thinks of the service.

Unsurprisingly, two days worth of meals on wheels were sat unopened on the kitchen counter. I didn't bother to ask why.

Oh dear, nota, that's very different from the service we had. First week's meals were pot luck, except I was able to give a (very long) list of foods he wouldn't eat, and from there onwards he had a weekly list of options, up to about 5 a day (fewer on some days because they automatically removed from the lists things he wouldn't eat). It was £5 a day for dinner, and an extra £2 if you wanted a tea of sandwiches, cake and a drink to be left. 24 hours to set up the first meal, and you could cancel any day with 12 hours notice if he was going to miss a meal for any reason. I think we were very lucky!

Wow, that sounds like a really good service Dint.

How are you doing nota ?

Sorry you've not had much luck with the Meals of Wheels nota

I had my absence meeting at work today, which surprisingly went really well. Felt that head was pretty sympathetic and have been offered a couple of options going forward.

Came home feeling like a weight had been lifted and looking forward to a nice dinner and maybe a glass or 2 of wine.

Then had a call from carers...Dad has been and continues to be minimally responsive all day. Think he ate a little lunch with help from carer but otherwise hasn't eaten or drunk since then.

He's not responding to me now, breathing not great and seems to keep having muscle spasms.

Have been home, had dinner and come back. Planning to go home for the night but terrified we'll lose him overnight.

Dd has come round with me and brought homework but mums clearly expecting her to be the entertainment and getting the hump because she's not talking.

That sounds tough Minty we're here to hold your hand.

I'm ok, thanks Sandwich. I had a call with social services today who said they would refer me for a carers assessment, so we shall see if that manages to be at all productive.

That's good about work, Minty. Sympathies with regard to your father.

Well, we went home last night and I came back about half an hour.

Dad is sat up in bed eating toast having located his specs and switched the news on.

His speech is better than it's been in about a fortnight.

nota hope you get some support.
minty glad the work meeting went well and sounds like you’ve been through the mangle. It’s so likely there will be more like theses- try and keep something in the tank for when you need it.

I am sorry Nota it's hard when you've put time and effort into a solution that is then nota solution even though it should be.

Minty glad to hear that the absence meeting went well.

Just coming into my safe space to say I'm feeling crap this morning. Speeding car outside our house felled a lamppost. Driver and passenger taken out alive. But I've seen the car, and can only feel no-one deserved that. And their poor families!

That's not a nice thing to witness Mere

Bollocks...blew my cover

That's horrible Dint. This has been a bruising year for so many of us, and it is hard to witness such a disregard for basic road safety.