The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I completely get the frustration of elderlies who can’t get out to make choices and explore, and how small their worlds have become.
But it’s bloody frustrating.
Dm almost sounds disappointed when the weekly shopping list I make for her is short because she is well stocked up....( by me of course) and then it’s the Goldilocks zone requests for jumpers.... not too soft or too scratchy, different from what she’s got, easy to get on but high necked..... I found some summer ones and bought every colour( some twice)
Now it’s lockdown and the hunt for unicorn tears....... in the garden centre for last trip with coffee yesterday -“ I want a new makeup bag..... do they sell hairspray..... one of the carers say primark do nice pyjamas..... “ arrrrgh!!!
Vent away mes Amis!!! Friends here will read and nod and send sympathy...🌺🌺🍫🍫

The reason I don't think she needs an alarm clock is more the dementia than the age - she doesn't know what day/month/year it is, and has no appointments that she needs to get up for. So what I have interpreted the request to mean is she wants an analogue clock with luminous hands so that she can see what time it is if she wakes in the night. That will no doubt be the wrong shout.

I think I am struggling with lockdown, and getting everything sorted in my own life, as well as having the responsibility for her and her life admin whilst she has no understanding that I may not be able to nip to the shops to run errands for her as and when she wants me to.

I had to chase up the GP for a hospital referral for her earlier in the week, and had to brace myself to tackle it. I am exhausted by the relentlessness of it all.

Oh nota there’s nothing helpful I can say except I get what you say and I’m sorry. Can you take some time off from her? Would she notice?
Are he agency stepping up?
🌺🌺🍷🍷

The reason I don't think she needs an alarm clock is more the dementia than the age Ah - that makes sense. Though my father grumbles that they leave him to sleep too late. And he does like his clock which shows him the time and the day and the date, although he refers to it as a "screen" and probably thinks it's attached to the internet.

You may be able to get a suitable clock with an alarm, they do exist, but they're disguised as "pill reminders"

The relentlessness is beginning to get to everyone I think, and is so much worse if you're a carer. Did you hear Womans Hour this morning? They were talking about being a carer and lockdown.I was listening with half an ear as I was doing housework.

I've got her a dementia clock for her living room which shows day and date, etc, but the time is digital and I don't think she can 'read' it and understand it, whereas she still seems to be able to understand analogue clock faces. (The only problem being 5pm and 5am feel pretty much the same in the dark).

Agency have asked to meet me next week, so I doubt that is going to be a good outcome. In the meantime I have contacted our local Age UK who provide various services like 'helping hands'.

I'll have a listen to the Women's Hour programme.

I know that I am drinking too much as a way of coping with it all at the moment, which is not good as it messes up my sleep etc. I've got to prioritise getting myself into a healthy place.

shop.alzheimers.org.uk/daily-living-aids/clocks-and-watches/Day-Night-Clock
Would this be any use? Bit like children’s sleep clock.
nota yes you must prioritise your own health, physical and mental. Who is there for you?
Do you look at carers record book? Migh5 be useful before meeting. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

Hi Nota,
A friend of mine ended up caring for their mother that had Alzheimer's. I know they found the Alzheimer's association helpful.
This has been a hard year for so many people.
I know at the moment your trying to sort out things in your own life as well as dealing with her alzheimer's and all that entails. Have you any friends that you could ring, whats app ect even if it's just to say I am having a bad day, my mother said/did this today ect?
I would advise you not to be drinking in the evening as you wake up the next day feeling rotten. Also alcohol is a depressive so it brings down your mood.
Do you think that your getting to a stage that even with careers it's getting to hard to manage your mother? Do you ever get a break? Have you any brothers/sister or relations that after lockdown could mind your mother in your house for even 2 to 3 hours?
Unless you look after yourself and get regular brakes from your mother you will end up getting up get sick yourself.

I apologise for turning the thread into a pity party, but want to say how grateful I am to those who have reached out. You are right, I need to look after myself, and I really need to knock the drinking on the head as it is a depressive etc.

I had a call from the carer yesterday to say DM had hurt her leg, they had called 111 and I was to take her to a treatment centre. I went over and dressed it myself instead. I'll go again this morning to check how it's looking.

I have been wondering whether the solution might be when I move house to find somewhere with a granny annex or a flat v near by so that I take her with me.

Im going to ask this question here, as opposed to making a thread, as I simply dont have the mental headspace to deal with potential fallout from it.
DPs much loved MIL died in May. DP has for a while, kept quite low contact with FIL due to narc tendancies and generally a pretty dysfuctional relationship over the years, for his own MH. He has however had to interact to a certain extent due to organising funeral /business related things and helping when FIL hospitalised (has dementia but had an accident) and he very close by due to nature of their set up (think annexe, but not quite)
FIL announced last week that he wants to pay for Christmas. By pay he means buy it and then (I presumably) attempt to cook it in an aga that Ive no idea how it works.
The thought of Christmas day with him has filled DP with horror, and the look on our kids faces also tells a story. The last few years we have always done christmas in my home and then I have gone to my parents Christmas afternoon, and we have seen MIL/FIL on Boxing day but made it quite short because, well, DP cant cope being around FIL too long.
WTF do we do.

nota do not apologise- please feel free to vent and offload here. Many of us have been around a looong time and supporting each other when it’s tough is what we’re here for.
Personally I would think v hard about moving you Mum in with you...... there will be no escape. Is sheltered accommodation/ very sheltered an option?
Please put sorting your health first. And hope care meeting goes ok
nettle can you make it Boxing Day? And who knows what we will be able to do anyway.
Can he see anyone else on Xmas day?

I have been wondering whether the solution might be when I move house to find somewhere with a granny annex or a flat v near by so that I take her with me. I'm wondering whether the solution is for you to move so far away that not even you would think it reasonable to travel to her house because the carers had called you out over a leg injury that didn't even need medical attention. And that's not meant nastily. Even just with your mother's interests in mind, you need to put yourself first.

Nettle That is a corker of a problem. I haven't a clue what you do!

DP kind of suggested boxing day. He has carers 4 times a day, and I can just see all of them going 'oh havent your family been in...'

My poor mum is so fed up with lockdown. Here in Wales we have not been able to see anyone except if someone is single and lives alone and has joined with your family for support so my friend has come for dinner twice a week for the past few weeks. It's been great to have her but mum is missing my kids so much. They have all been phoning her which has helped.

Since the beginning of March she has left the house 3 times - once for a hospital trip although it was probably just a tummy bug, once for my daughter's wedding and once to go for a meal before my youngest left for university. Seeing the same four walls is hard for her but I don't see an alternative.

She has always loved Christmas and shopping and now she is cross because we can't go shopping like we normally do and she feels I am being unfair to my uncle (her brother in law, 10 years younger than her) because he always loves to come shopping with us.

Hi All, I thought I'd check in here and see how everyone is doing rather than post on the mire of misery that is my own thread.

I've just scanned the thread and wish I could offer some advice in return for everything I've had over the last 18 months but still feel like a clueless newbie with all this.

Dad is still hanging in there but has deteriorated further. We are trying - yet again - to get hospice care in place. In the meantime I have been signed off work for a month - I have had just one previous day off sick in over a year. Four days later a letter arrived on my door asking me to attend a stage 1 absence meeting, 10 days before my sick leave certification ends.

I will attend with a colleague and with a request for flexible working prepared which I know will be a complete waste of time. I am therefore preparing to hand in my notice and become a full-time carer. I just cannot deal with the lack of support and flexibility from my employer on top of everything else.

My dad needs me and I want to be there for him before it's too late, my mum needs my support and my daughter's wellbeing is beginning to suffer because she is the proverbial ball that is being most frequently dropped in all of this. We had a situation with her recently that could have ended horribly and has made me realise that she's not as mature or independent as I thought and still really needs me.

Most of my life is lived online these days anyway so it will make very little material difference but a massive emotional one, and I'm slightly more confident now that mum will respect my boundaries.

In a few years time when DD is off to uni, Covid is over and I no longer have elderly parent commitments I'll go crazy making up for lost time!

hairbrush it's all driving my mum crackers too.

She can't leave my dad at home alone so even when we've not been under restrictions it's difficult for her to get out.

Is your mum any good on the Internet?

nettle just tell carers the plan. They get extra for Xmas day soo......
Do what you and dh want. Put your kids first.
hairbrush lovely to see you!!! It sounds hard in Wales- will you go out when you can? I have found dms few trips out have made such a massive difference to her, although all v low risk in the wheelchair.
What perspective would you give nota about having elderly in an annex?
cedric wondering how you were. Sounds like work have been awful- I’m sorry. What about that other work option?
your poor dd. Please put her up the list. And your self care too.

Thanks sandwich

I didn't get the job I went for internally despite ticking every box on the job spec and having been covering the role and the external/change of career one is still on hold, presumably re Covid.

I still need to double and triple check the finances and have a long, thorough chat with mum, but I feel now that is my decision rather than circumstances forcing my hand, and whilst it may not be a great option it is probably the best option available for now.

cedric could you consider asking for leave of absence from work unpaid on compassionate grounds? Give you options.
Check with carers uk etc to make sure you could get all yo7 can including ni payment credits I understand.

When dad broke his back I applied for flexible working in the form of two early finishes a week for 5 weeks, unpaid.

The answer was an outright no.

When I was told I needed to return to the office after working from home throughout lockdown I was given two working days notice, even though they knew that I was also helping care for dad.

Their response? "You have a job, they'll just have to get more carers in".

Have also just received an email stating that DD needs to self isolate as there's been a positive case in her year. We were at my parent's house today...

Cedric are you in a workplace that has a union? If so, I would strongly recommend that you join. If not, then I think you could do with getting some legal advice from somewhere.

If I was your union rep, I wouldn't advise you to take the letter requesting flexi to the stage one hearing, as it mixes the two things up. But I do think that the letter needs to be put in the form of a formal request. Do you have an HR dept? Can they advise you on the duty of care aspect?

I would also advise you (if I was your rep) not to resign, unless you feel you have a case for constructive dismissal, and even then, you would have a job of work to prove it (and with everything else going on in your life, would you really have the head space for that?). Could you not get yourself signed off sick again for a bit to give you some breathing space?

I'm sure I could get signed off again but it will no doubt only be accompanied by more letters, meetings, interventions from occ health etc.

Last time OH recommended I had a six week phased return. I was offered two weeks, queried it suggesting meeting halfway and was refused.

He has carers 4 times a day, and I can just see all of them going 'oh havent your family been in...' Couldn't you sort that by telling them in advance? ' if they're regular carers, tell them direct, also tell the company to let them know, put a big notice in their signing in book, and another in a conspicuous position on the wall?

and having been covering the role unless the you have already been pencilled in for the role, I think being an internal candidate for a job where they're inviting external candidates can be a disadvantage - they know you, you're familiar to them, you don't have that invisible halo of great expectations that surrounds an external candidate.

I'm sorry to hear you are having a battle Minty, I had hoped that no news was good news and that everything was going well.

Cheers knot - things had been more stable but just gone downhill over the last few weeks...such is life.