The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Oh dint that must have been shocking to see. Hope you’re ok.
nota how are you doing?
And minty ?

Minty aka Clueless...

...obviously

I didn't see the crash, and I didn't see the occupants, just saw the remains. My head just keeps trying to get itself round what she must have been feeling, how anyone survived, and feeling relief that there was no late night dog walker at the time. I've been talking it through with a neighbour which has helped, and with a friend on facebook who saw the pics and PMed to say "isn't that outside your house?"

I'm ok thanks for asking Sandwich. Social services called this week and said they would have to refer me for a carers assessment before they could look at respite for me. In the meantime, I planned on giving myself Thursday off from DM, and the carer phoned me to say DM had taken the plug for the kettle apart, so I needed to get a new one. So I ended up in Tesco at 8pm when I had planned on being in my PJs.

The latest news is DM has a mouse in her living room, so I've put some humane traps down. Which she will fiddle with, thus rendering them useless.

nota You have to have boundaries for carers as well as for elders . "Yes, I'll get a new one tomorrow, can you use a pan tonight?"

Look after yourself dint very shocking and right on your doorstep.
nota wise words from dint you need your time off.
Keep the pressure on ss- make it clear you are on the edge...

I've seen two car crashes this afternoon on my way back from mum's, both were at the stage of multiple people standing around looking at the damage. All four cars were a real mess but everyone seemed to be upright. It does make you very aware that you aren't as invulnerable as you think but then everything in life is a risk.

Today mum decided that it's time to sell up and move somewhere smaller where there are people to look after her. I think it's a fantastic idea but wonder if she'll have a different view tomorrow. We'll see.

Police estimated 80mph as he approached the lamppost.

😮😮amazing anyone walked away.

@thesandwich

😮😮amazing anyone walked away.

Totally amazing. Driver with "minor injuries", don't think he was even taken to hospital. Passenger not so lucky, poor lady. Lamppost full length on the pavement, didn't get up again. (You can tell I'm feeling better this morning).

Glad you’re feeling better dint

Thanks sandwich

Afternoon all! Just thought I'd check in and see how everyone's weeks are going.

We are still looking trucking here. Dad's had a few really not bad days. Went round Tuesday and gave him a hair wash and mani/pedi while we watched a film which was nice.

Just trying to decide what to do going forward. I have been signed off until the end of term, but with dad so up and down, and the amount of support mum will need when the inevitable happens going back is a daunting prospect.

Head has mooted the possibility of me taking a career break and returning to work next September which would be ideal and can just about make it work financially (with Carers Allowance and Universal Credit, but am nervous that if I do that and situation changes or finances don't pan out as expected I'll be up a gum tree.

I really need to let them know ASAP...

Hi minty glad you have got some time away from school.
Could a break until Easter be an option? Then would you get paid for the summer?
Get some financial advice. Glad your dad is having some good days.
But make sure you give time to yourself and your dd to put something in the tank while you can.

Cheers sandwich .

I'm still popping round to the Olds most days but more on my terms and without having the worry/hours of work it's much more manageable.

Have been in touch with DWP & Carers UK about the finance, county HR re Career Break Policy and number crunched with entitledto.com which is pretty reliable.

Chatted with mum this afternoon...got a bit heated but all OK. She too suggested asking if I can take just next term off and go back after Easter so I'm going to to email cert to business manager tomorrow and ask if we can set up a meeting to discuss my options.

Having an absolute nightmare.

Parents landline went kaput yesterday morning. Mum didn't realise until 4pm as she hadn't checked her messages from me.

I won't go into last night's dramas as it was horrific...I ended up walking out and sitting on the kerb on the phone to a mental health support line as I didn't trust myself to get in my car without flooring it into a wall or off the top of the nearest multi storey.

Spent two hours in total on the phone waiting to speak to a Virgin engineer only to get cut off. Still trying to get through. Managed to speak to someone briefly then my mobile reception went so back in the queue again.

Mum's now having a paddy because she hasn't eaten yet and dad's prescription hasn't turned up and she can't call anyone.

Just feel like I'm being sucked into a vortex again. I can't even articulate what I'm feeling at the moment because it's all so wrong. She expects me to be dancing attendance on her and constantly looking out for her wellbeing and she literally couldn't give a shit about my feelings or mental health.

First thing she said when I came in this morning was 'have you brought your phone so we can check if it's that rather than the landline'.

I have personal stuff going on, DD having issues with her dad again and coming up to mock GCSEs and I've just come on for the first time in 2.5 months. Still haven't resolved the work situation - had occupational health consultation yesterday and they advised that as I'm signed off with depression I am sick and therefore career break shouldn't even be under consideration, but now have an appointment to discuss that next week.

I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when it's all over.

Minty I'm sure the regulars will be by soon with their good advice, but I didn't want this to go unanswered. I've been lurking and occasionally popping up over the parapet for years, and I have such admiration for you. It's easy to say 'look after yourself', but much harder to do it. Moral support is all I can offer, but it is all yours.

Hello gerbil good to see you!
minty no answers but who can support you? Staying off with stress/ depression sounds sensible. Do you need to speak to a doc?
Could you get a cheap mobile for your mum? Payg sim?
Your mum is an adult. Lots of others are looking after your dad.
Sending 🌺🌺🍷😘🍫🍫

Mum has a mobile...she's genuinely not great with it but if perfectly capable of making a call if she had to - I even set up a speed dial on her home screen for my number. Tbf if she was panicking she might struggle but the drama and abuse I copped last night was ridiculous.

DD witnessed her melodramatics and my awful reaction and phoned my best friend in tears who came over and took DD home and stayed with her.

I eventually got home but went back this morning and after nearly 3 hours got through to someone who was absolutely brilliant and really sympathetic. He's flagged them as vulnerable, organised an emergency call out and it's now sorted, thank God!

I've managed to get home for a bit, catch up on some sleep and clear up last night's chaos. Best mate stayed over and we consumed a metric fuckton of cheese, wine, mulled cider and cake.

I don't know what I'd do without her, DD and having this safe space to vent.

Will add though that the SHOUT text support line for mental health crises is bloody marvellous...85258 should anyone else's Olds break them.

Glad you got the phone sorted minty and are feeling better- your friend is a star and your dd sounds great.
How can you put things in place so that won’t happen again? Has dm apologised?
How can you protect yourself?

Minty, your mother sound like a nightmare. What she put you through recently says a lot. The reality is that your doing your best with a number of hard situations.
Your trying to get time off work and keep your job open to be their for your mother when the inevitable happens with your father.
I read that you have an appointment next week about your job. Are you in a union and could you ring them for advice?
I'd try and see if you could stay out of work till Easter instead of next September because financially you lose to much if you stay out of work till then. You can be around for your mother till X date. You could tell her I have to go back to work on X date. When the inevitable happens she knows your their till then. My feeling is that she happy to have you dance attendance but is unwilling or unable to do things to help herself. Then when things go wrong well its all your fault so you get the abuse and the "nice job"of sorting out shite.
You dd has seen granny in all her glory of being a nasty individual and your friend sounds brilliant. What does your friend think of your mother and your whole job issue at the moment?
I know you dd is having issues with her father. Could you tell him to lay off her with her GCSE mocks coming up? It can be a stressful time for students now with mocks.

Mum hasn't exactly apologised but she was fairly contrite. She's not all bad but when she gets stressed/anxious she is impossible, and obviously that's a lot of the time atm.

I'm going to ask if Easter would be a possibility re work (also Mum's suggestion) and speak to ACAS for advice. I'm not in a union as I was in the relevant one previously and when redundancies happened they were useless.

Can't do much about XH. He and his partner are Foster carers. The last placement they had caused havoc with DDs relationship with him. They have had a few months off and are now preparing to take a toddler with non-verbal autism. They are also applying to be able to adopt if the right placement comes up. It's a very worthy thing to do and he/they can't be expected to put their lives on hold for DD, but after the last debacle and with everything else going on it would have been good if they could have prioritised her for just another 6 months.

My best mate is indeed the stuff of legend . We met at primary school when we were 4 and here we are 40+ years later. She knows mum as well as I do which is helpful and has been an absolute rock over the last six months. More than worth her weight in cheese and cider!

that sounds awful Minty.

we are currently waiting to see if FIL is going to be sent to a care home.

He was taken into hospital on Tuesday after the morning carer said he had appeared to faint - then the care manager called DR and said he was on his way to A&E but would be back later,

turns out he has a UTI which would explain why when I called them and they handed me the phone he was even more incoherant than he usually is - cryptic but quite cheery. The OT then rang DP and asked about his set up, so he passed them over to the carers, as they see him 4 times a day and have a better idea of his day to day wellbeing.

in the morning they called again and asked if he was taking his meds (he is on blood thinners since the massive pulmonary embolism he had back in Aug, and I had assumed initially that this is what had caused him to faint, but apparently tests say no. Again, confirmation that carers actually give and watch him take his meds was confirmed.

They seemed to keep him in the assesment unit. I managed to speak to a nurse yesterday who said he was still being treated for UTI and had had to be catheterised as was retaining urine. Then DP spoke to them later as he missed a call while on a work teams meeting. They told him that it was the Adult social care wanting to talk to him about a bed placement, which when pressed meant nursing /care home.

But Social care were supposed to call him today and not a dickybird. And now theyve moved him onto a ward and say that he is not mobile but they hope to deal with that,

I can see there being big trouble as he is unlikely to want to go, but would suspect they will not deem him to have capacity due to the demntia. DP has applied for POA for finances but his dad didnt want him to do the health one, and his sister, who lives in a different country, didnt even want her dad to sign the finance one. Due to covid its taking forever to come through and his dementia is now much worse - Id say we applied in the nick of time to be honest. She is also going to kick off if its suggested he goes into a home and he doesnt want to. There is a whole heap of trouble coming.

Big hugs to all who need them.

I would have loved a UTI diagnosis this week as it would have explained why mum was out of touch with reality, GP says no, doctor who came out on call said yes. I've spent this week calling the doctor, waiting for calls from the doctor (and repeat). It's Friday and I've done nothing this week except sort mum's life out. Rumour has it that Christmas is coming but I have no idea where the time for that will be coming from. I have the form for attendance allowance to fill in and I know full well that mum will disagree with everything that I write because she has no insight into how life is now. In her head she still cooks meat and two veg every night whereas the reality this week is the meal I left being put back in the fridge and no sign of her eating anything at all.

HI everyone thought I would write an update on DM. Finally got a diagnosis of Alzheimer's on Friday 6 months since all this began with her being admitted to hospital with delirium. She didn't really react when the consultant told her and hasn't mentioned it since. He has prescribed Donepizil which she will start tomorrow. I am hoping this might make her a little calmer and less anxious as she has been in a terrible state most days this week. Every day there has been a minor drama over something or other, light bulbs going, not knowing which bin to leave out, oven breaking (it hadn't!), th elist goes on. I've done all her Christmas shopping for her, now to start on my own.

@MintyCedric sorry to hear DM is up to her old tricks. I can't imagine how upsetting it must be for you. Thank goodness for your wonderful friend and DD. Staying off to Easter sounds the best option, it will take some pressure off you but will be better financially than taking the whole summer off. We will have to try and meet for that coffee once we are allowed to mingle indoors again!