The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I wish 😉 ???

I can't remember when I last saw the sea - think it was when we went to N Wales for a funeral about 4 years go. Really hoping nothing gets in the way of summer volunteering work in the countryside.

Had my first vaccine this morning. Aiming for a one woman party later to celebrate. Or an early night!

@notaflyingmonkey

Had my first vaccine this morning. Aiming for a one woman party later to celebrate. Or an early night!

I like the sound of One Woman Party.

I did that last week as DD was at her dads...cooked truffle and parmesan risotto and chocolate creme brulee with a bottle of my fave rioja.

Tonight it's Mothers Day Eve (as well be doing other stuff tomorrow), so I'm doing homemade fried chicken burgers, fries and milkshakes!

Great news nota enjoy your party! It’s one step forward..

I might just skip Mother's Day this year, she'll never know and I really can't be bothered.

I am very pleased for you nota, I had a dream this week where someone randomly gave me the second dose. I'm starting to worry over mum's second dose, she's nine weeks past the first one and as yet doesn't have a date for the second. I'm starting with the "what if"s, what if they rang her and she's forgotten, what if they forget to call her, what if they wrote and she's using the letter as a bookmark? What if I quit worrying until closer to the time?

I might just skip Mother's Day this year, she'll never know and I really can't be bothered.

I am very pleased for you nota, I had a dream this week where someone randomly gave me the second dose. I'm starting to worry over mum's second dose, she's nine weeks past the first one and as yet doesn't have a date for the second. I'm starting with the "what if"s, what if they rang her and she's forgotten, what if they forget to call her, what if they wrote and she's using the letter as a bookmark? What if I quit worrying until closer to the time?

Don't look at me, I only hit the button once, I swear.

knot I totally get the not wanting to be bothered..... dd is away and I'm afraid compassion fatigue is hitting...... I will bring dm here tomoz but feels like duty.
Bracing ourselves for the relentless negativity.... and we've just been to see Dhs parents.... in the Crem and leave flowers for his mum.
Dm doesn't have a date for her second jab. I'm expecting to hear from gp?
We have our second dose dates.

DM also doesn't have her second dose date yet, so it sounds like it's quite common. I got to book mine at the same time I booked my first, which was great.

I am intending on a quick visit to her in the morning, then I have a friend coming over to mine for mothers day prosecco in the garden in the afternoon.

I think there's a line in a song that goes something like "One night in Paris is like a year in any other place". I'm changing the lyrics to "one hour with DM is like a year with anybody else". Just sitting on the sofa chatting to her is exhausting - a relentless tirade against other people. i took her mother's day card round and our conversation consisted of:

• Tirade about my brother who was "bad tempered". She spent a day with him and according to him (he phoned me quite upset later about her behaviour) she shouted at him because he cut the bread too thick & didn't cut the crusts off when he made her a sandwich, constantly complained about whatever he put on tv for her to watch, hit him with her walking stick and raved at him about what a horrible man he is among other things. In her version she was completely innocent and was sweetness and light.

*Tirade about her sister-in-law (who she hasn't had anything to do with for 45 years since she divorced my dad) because my aunt chose an engagement ring with bigger diamonds than the one my mother had.

*Tirade about niece who had gone round to visit my sister (DM lives with sis) and who had been exchanging "sly glances" about my mum with "the boy" (my mum's GGS).. My niece is apparently "common" and "vulgar" - as are all my nieces according to DM. IMO this is just a downright lie - niece one is bubbly, funny & outgoing; niece two is very quiet, suffers from anxiety and is incredibly artistic, niece three is very studious & at uni. I love spending time with all of them.

*Tirade about my dad (him and DM divorced in 1973).

There then followed a conversation (a bit one sided as my contribution consists of "hmmm" type sounds), about how my mother hasn't got a mean bone in her body, doesn't bear a grudge and never had a bad thought about anybody.

Sorry to subject you all to my tirade. No wonder my eye now twitches madly and the psychiatrist has upped my dose of both anti anxiety meds and sleeping pills.

I might just skip Mother’s Day this year We’ve never done Mother’s Day in our family. But this morning I got a Mother’s Day text from a friend of DS1 who has always said we’re his second parents and who still calls me “Mother”. Feel ridiculously pleased.

Like Marmite being in DM's company for any amount of time is to be subjected to her rants against various people - the paperboy, the neighbour, the carer, etc. But will then round it up by saying 'not that I'm criticising'.

Said she hadn't heard from DB, that nobody had sent her a card. I put my card next to his.

She still thinks I'm making it up about everything being closed, so tried to catch me out as to where I'd bought her card - answer, Tesco.

Mums just gone home.
I can never do right so I just got her a very small bunch of daffs - that was wrong as she doesn't have any vases. She had loads before she moved so she's obviously binned them all 🙄
A small gift which just as she was about to complain about I told her was from the dc....It then went on the TV unit for display 😅
I gave her too much food at lunch apparently but she still managed to scoff a bowl of apple crumble and cream!! 😅
Oh well, thats done till next year 😬

I visit my mum every Sunday so it was a pretty standard day except I brought a present round and mum cooked !

Have spent most of the last couple of hours feeding dad his dinner and then running up and down the stairs every ten minutes when he calls me wanting to discuss various things that have no bearing on reality, sorting out tumble drying and assisting with the Tesco delivery.

Wasn't feeling the best yesterday so off home to my place which is an absolute tip. It's in desperate need of a proper declutter but I just never have the time or energy. I don't want to half arse it doing a few hours here and there, I want to blitz it but that would take about a week and there's no chance of that right now!

I picked up a bunch of flowers with the shopping this morning and called it good. I managed a phone call with my former MIL without her either sighing or boasting about her daughter so I am hoping that she has also forgotten about Mother's Day.

Minty I have a large pile of stuff in a corner of the bedroom which needs to be sold or given away, some of it is worth real money but I just don't want it. I am waiting for the auction house to reopen normally rather than virtually and for better weather or a higher number allowed to queue inside the post office.

🌺🌺🌺🍷🍷for everyone for getting through today- extra 🍷for. marmite that sounds soo hard.

I gave her too much food at lunch apparently but she still managed to scoff a bowl of apple crumble and cream!! Dad rang me up to complain that the nursing home was giving him too much food. I told him he doesn't need to eat it all.

He then told them he was eating less, and refused to eat the main course, only ate the pudding.

Think it's going to be a rough week.

Mum in floods of tears all morning...back to wanging on endlessly about 'L'.

We were also strongly advised at the end of last week that the best place for Dad is a nursing home, so once again trying to get that sorted.

Dad has said he's OK with it and the powers that be are still saying he needs to consent even though he doesn't know his arse from his elbow from one minute to the next most of the time.

He's been getting increasingly angry with mum and saying some upsetting things apparently, but I think he's been 'with it' enough to get the gist of the 'L' situation. He's said to me on a few occasions that mum is rejecting him, doesn't want him around and was talking about committing suicide again this morning.

Otherwise mum is really worrying me...she seems to be forgetting so much...conversations that have been had, messages etc. The other day I was talking about the senior practice nurse and for several minutes, despite prompting she didn't have a clue who I was on about, but she used to come to the house regularly and mum was always singing her praises.

She constantly denies ever having said she had romantic feelings for 'L' and is completely paranoid that people are interfering behind her back wrt to his involvement.

I'm dreading that Dad will go into the home and pass away during the 10 days quarantine, which would just about finish mum off I think.

Beyond that I suppose once he's sorted I will have to see how mum goes and figure out what to do with her. I'd like to think she will improve once she's under less stress, but I'm far from convinced.

Your dm is under massive amounts of stress minty.
Sounds like nursing care is right for your dad... but he has to give formal consent. Fil refused at one point right at the last moment which had a major impact on mil s mental health. He agreed a month or so later.
Can your dm go for a walk with her friend?
And when your df is sadly not around your dm is responsible for her own life.

She is, and unfortunately it's not only causing her MH issues, it's also resulting in her neglecting Dad to a certain extent.

Her priorities in the morning are all wrong...I've come round at 9.45/10am to discover that Dad hasn't even had a cup of tea as she's preoccupied with getting laundry done and making sure the house is immaculate and she's washed and dressed before the carers arrive.

Same again with lunches and dinners. There's no routine and it's the same story with his pain meds.

She's (understandably to an extent) so wrapped up in her own misery and worries that she's just not functioning normally. Her closest friend isn't local unfortunately, not that mum would countenance the idea of going out for a walk if you paid her.

I'm coming straight round from dropping DD off to school every weekday now to make sure he has his breakfast at a reasonable time and his slow release morphine, then staying/coming back for lunch. Have suggested that he has his main meal midday going forward which will make evening meals easier for her.

The practice nurse was happy with me having a chat with him about Nursing Home and him verbally agreeing. I broached the subject again today and he said it would be like a holiday.

His chest sounds awful today and he's saying it hurts...not sure we'll get as far as the nursing home tbh .

Minty I am sorry that you are no closer to having someone lift the responsibilities from your shoulders. Trudge on, one day at a time and all that. There's no point worrying about next month when we have to get through today first.

Mum has switched to having her main meal at lunchtime, she's not a fan but we've had plenty of evidence that she does not cook herself a meal, not even if it is of the two minutes in the microwave variety. I am happy to cook all of her favourites, all the time, but it's going to be at lunchtime when I'm there. When I go home I leave a sandwich/pile of shellfish/chicken leg on a plate with a note on it telling her it is her tea and at the moment that is working. The fried food and ice cream diet is working and she's starting to put back the weight she lost.

The most stress I've been under was when my husband died. At that time I doubt I would have passed for a functioning adult, I was hung up on things that at the time seemed screamingly important but I look at the list I made then and they really weren't. It may be that your mum will return to normal once she's out from this situation she can't escape from.

Hope everyone is okay today

I was wondering if it would help me to think of mum as a grandma. I didn't know three of four my grandparents.

When I think of mum, the stress makes me feel old.

Apart from that responsibility, I often feel like a frolicking teenager!

Mum says her grandma was really cute. Mum is now really cute. My neighbour's mum is in her 90s and really cute.

I just thought if I reframed it might help. Last time I dropped mum to a hospital appointment, I asked the cabbie if he would do the collection and he said "do you know what time your nan is likely to finish?"

I think it created a distance and it almost seems more realistic. There's such a massive generational gap, I think.

Acorn The only way you will know is to try it. My Mum is cute, she's a Miss Marple lookalike with blue twinkly eyes but she's still hard to deal with when she's on the phone every six minutes. I'm stressed by her behaviours and how fast this is going downhill and that I'm trapped with no escape. I'm not sure that thinking of her in a different way would help me but we are all different and if it works for you that's what matters.

acorn dm is tiny now and v frail but I would not describe her as cute...especially when launching into discussing women are asking for trouble if out in the evening alone/ brexit/ trump/ BLM is rubbish etc whatever her latest beef is......
I think it’s whatever works.....
knot all the phone calls sound awful. Any progress in respite? You mentioned trying to sort hearing aids/ glasses?
minty is your df safe with your dm? Sounds v alarming if she’s not feeding him/ giving him meds at the right time.

Knot sorry if I missed it, do you have help?

Thanks for replies

She was on the phone earlier getting annoyed that I had nothing to say. I did some sketching while she waffled. I thought it might help remove me a bit to think of her as a gran.

She's pretty much banned from raising any political hot potato topic. I did that to both my parents years ago because they enjoy "lively discussion" whereas I like a quiet life!

Today she started to freak out about if me and sis get offered the AZ vaccine. This is partly why I haven't told her I've already had it! Plus she will freak out that I was considered vulnerable enough for an early call, though I'm still not clear why I was called.

So glad I didn't tell her, she'd be driving me nuts now. Hopefully my sister will be able to reassure her.

I just mentioned the cute thing because it might be less annoying if I remind myself of it.