The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

'Cute' hmmm...

@thesandwich your mum and mine sound very alike in their not so cute views.

Dad is safe enough with mum. The GP was surprised that we were still attempting to give him his regular meds anyway. A lot of the time he's not sufficiently with it for us to be able to administer meds safely.

Today was horrible. His chest has been increasingly congested and swallowing is getting harder (not an infection, just a side effect of the muscle wastage in throat and diaphragm).

We managed to get a tiny bit of tea and porridge into him this morning, but he quickly started struggling with not being able to clear the build up of fluids. In the end had to call out the Echo team and they gave him an injection of something designed to 'dry up secretions'

Was there 9 - 2.45 and spent most of that time holding his hand and helping him as he coughed up what he was unable to get rid of any other way. In between he was groaning and shouting that he wanted to die, praying for someone to 'take him' (he not religious) and begging me and mum to finish him off.

Still no news re nursing home so will have to char that up tomorrow in between de-shitting my house which hasn't been touched for a week.

Minty

I am sorry

I know you have been through a lot with this

But wondering if the hospice have a place.

What are the regular meds btw?

Regular meds...warfarin and nicorandil (I think). I worry more about him not having the slow release morphine tbh.

We've been rejected by the hospice twice and since we can't physically get a GP to come out and they do the referral I don't suppose there's much hope on that front.

The lovely nursing home does full palliative care though so if we can get that ball rolling it'll be a move in the right direction. It's difficult not to feel wobbly about it when he seems so close and it would be preferable if he was at home for the end, but we've had these swings and roundabouts so many times now...

Anyway, he was more settled when I left and I'll be back in the morning.

It's hideous obviously but I feel okay on the whole, just very, very tired.

Minty, I'd be more concerned about the morphine too
I didn't realise the nursing home had palliative care

Tbh as I type my rage at the system increases

So much obsession with pointless shit for private profit and not enough help for those in need.

I hope you get some rest.

I'm actually planning to write a feature about it and submit it to the national press if I can get a few hours in the next couple of weeks.

If anyone one here would like to PM their experiences over the last year (since Covid), I'd be really grateful and it would flesh out the article to being more than just my 'diary' iykwim.

I was briefly a journalist in a former life incidentally...happy to chat/message prior to any commitment!

Anyway, not the point of my post. From last comms with Mum I think the remainder of yesterday was ok-ish. Going to pop and try and him breakfast after the school run then home to blitz the house.

I'm doing it in sprints, the same as when I write...45mins on/15mins sat on my arse inhaling coffee!

One bit of good news - my father’s nursing home is restarting visits at the end of the month. Is anyone still not able to visit?

I thought I'd pop in with some good news. Mum got the letter for her second jab today, it's next Friday so about ten days notice. That's one less thing for me to worry about.

So so pleased for you Mere Been in the same situation and now allowed one 'primary' visitor in with PPE for a half hour visit a week. You father will be delighted I hope.

That’s great news knot and dint
Small chinks of light.

Glad everyone is getting positive news.

Finally had a call from the funding people, explained that dad is much declined and we wanted him to go into previous home.

"It'll depend if previous home have space for him"

"They do...I've been trying to to get I touch with you since last Thursday to confirm the funding side of things."

"And is your dad in agreement?"

"Yes, as much he's able to given xyz issues."

"Oh...are you sure he's fit to moved then?"

"Well, we can't manage the level of care of he needs, the practice nurse has advised its in everyone's best interests, and the local hospice refuses to get involved, so what else would you suggest?"

FFS!

I didn't say the above, just that the practice nurse had recommended it late last week and they should call her if they needed confirmation.

Anyway, they are now on the case. Dad's chest hasn't got significantly worse overnight and he manage tea and a whole bowl of porridge this morning.

I've done some housework...

re care home visits - we can have a half hour a week, or I think more if slots available, either without masks through a screen or with ppe and the screen removed. This is all in a specially set up room, not the resident's room (although they seem to be flexible with this for some cases).

Ours is 15 mins - so 45 mins total, inc 30 mins for test. In the dining room, since this has a door to the outside (although in resident's room if bedridden). With what passes for PPE (mask apron,gloves) and hand holding allowed. And carer hovering to make sure rules aren't broken.

Allowing for cleaning room between visits, and the extra staff time required, they're doing 4 visits daily, 7 days a week, and since not everyone gets visitors, that should allow for weekly visits.

What do you say to your olds when they ask you personal questions that you don't want to answer but don't want to be so rude as to say "that's none of your business"?

One of them prides themselves on calling a spade a spade and being direct which is a virtue in them but rudeness in everyone else. They have been on an information diet for the last twenty years as they like to share with everyone in their phone list. I will attempt to ignore the question and change the subject but if that fails I'll go with "what on earth do you want to know that for?". I was once present when someone equally direct answered with "you're nosey aren't you?" but I've never had the nerve to do it myself.

@Ieatmarmite

What do you say to your olds when they ask you personal questions that you don't want to answer but don't want to be so rude as to say "that's none of your business"?

I do say "not your business" mostly

But sometimes I say "is there a reason you need to know this?"

Oh mere 15 minutes?? After all this time?
No idea on the personal questions..... dm doesn’t dare ask too much... and dh is my secret weapon with spectacular hard Paddington stares.....

@Ieatmarmite

What do you say to your olds when they ask you personal questions that you don't want to answer but don't want to be so rude as to say "that's none of your business"?

I just lie.

I know that sounds awful, but between my mum never being out of my business since I was a teen, and a controlling husband who disapproved of pretty much anything I did without his input, I have gotten very good at lying by omission.

Oh I lie whenever it suits me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I guess it depends on the context

I think it's really important to set boundaries.

I don't think of omissions as lies. My sister had a couple of periods of unemployment that she never mentioned to our parents. Too much bother.

How is everyone? All calm here.

@thesandwich

How is everyone? All calm here.

I'm in floods of tears

Really stupid I know

My poor sister lost her temper with mum doing turbo witter

So after she left - doing a care visit - I had mum on the phone saying how rude it was

I get that it's not cool when someone snaps at you, or shouts. My sister has done it to me on the phone during lockdown but I just let it go. Having an elderly parent as your company is worse than no company I think.

But i just feel we're all hanging by a thread at the moment, plus it feels really rude and disrespectful to complain about your daughter to your other daughter and she was very clear she expected me to take her side.

I've not had this experience. I'd excuse mum on account of lockdown but she says it's not really affecting her?

I settled down after work, to do a nice bit of artwork and thinking mum was sorted for the day and we could just have a brief chat and now I'm properly sobbing into a gin.

Medication change hasn't helped. Thank you for listening.

They are both adults and can sort out their differences without needing you as mediator. It's got nothing to do with you, it's not your problem and not for you to sort out a solution. It's less about not taking sides and more about refusing to be drawn into the drama. When you hear about it again (and again) change the subject and tell them to sort it out between themselves. You are right that we are all just hanging on at the moment, or at least it feels like that to me.

Today mum managed to forget her date of birth (no surprise there) and then her surname. Someone came to fetch me from the car park except they had a struggle because she couldn't remember anything about my car, not even the colour. I'd laugh but it's not funny. I can't wait to chat with the lady from the memory service about how well the medication is working.

🌺🌺� �acorn and I agree with knot that please don't take on that monkey. Not your circus. Look after yourself.
I think calm today is as good as it gets here- less moaning from dm today but no mention of the trip out I took her on Wednesday. Or lunch out last Sunday.
Full details of this weeks chiropodist visit, cleaner, and physio......
knot that is so hard. 🌺🌺for you too.

knot I really feel for you.

sandwich so it's calm plus a little bit of moaning?

Don't worry, sandwich and knot - I won't get involved, but to be clear mum rang and said it. I've already had a general chat message from my sister who didn't mention it. She probably forgot about it as soon as she left mum's and good for her.

I'd never be expected to mediate. I suppose it was just a crystallisation of how I worry the moaning oldie will ruin years of my life.

Sorry, don't mean to be dramatic. I told mum exactly what I thought so hopefully she won't do that again. Best to nip these things in the bud.

It genuinely stuns me that she can't see sis is fragile because of lockdown. As well as the whole stuck in small flat, only the oldie as the permitted company, etc, my poor sis is really struggling to get work.

Anyway, I downed my gin, made the most of the evening light for some painting. I've hit the point where if mum knows she's a burden, that isn't a bad thing.

@Acorn I hope the gin has hit the spot! I think the lack of empathy is hard to come to terms with.. my Dsis passed away nearly 2 years ago and at the time, I thought it odd how she reacted. of course she was upset but nothing like I would imagine someone who lost their child would react. She moaned when my BIL rang her in tears one night, saying he had disturbed her evening! Now I know it was the Alzheimers it all makes more sense. I saw mum in her CH today, she spent the whole time moaning but seems to have forgotten about the sweary, trouser dropping men and now has it in for another female resident. She can't wait to come home-I'm dreading it!!

piste does your mum normally live with you?