The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Well, minty, if she does have that, at least you know what you're dealing with. And its easier to cope with bizarre stories if you know they're the result of a disintegrating brain, than if they're emanating from a fully functional brain and you need to present the evidence to rebut them

One of the saddest things I find is the when Dad says to me "what do you want me to do?" This fine inventive scientific brain, and he's left asking me to give him instructions about the simplest things. I don't think I've enunciated that before, I need to go away and talk to cats and compose myself.

Hi Guys. This is a minor moan, I know so many of you have much harder things to deal with.

So. My mother went into a residential home just before Christmas. She's a lovely person but age/ pain/ fear can make her grumpy and it's always shared with, though not actually directed at, me, the only child. She always looks on the bad side and always knows that none of one's suggested solutions to problems will work!

I'm clearing out her home and did the scary task of sorting out all her old photos. So many ghosts!! But I found some really nice ones of family, loved pets, loved houses and places, friends etc. I put these in a simple album. I took this to the home along with all the specific items she had requested, plus about 4 extra things (small) which I thought would give her a bit of joy. Had a long chat to her on the phone whilst DH did the delivery and she was looking forward to it.

She phoned again later to say things had been brought to her. Not a single word of thanks, just 'there's a lot of it, I'm worried it will be a fire hazard'. I know her brain is probably failing a bit too, but dear Lord, can't she just be pleased with something for once? because otherwise it's tears.

Thank you for letting me offload that. Unmumsnetty hugs to all who need them.

This is the perfect place to say the unsayable.
And yes you are perfectly entitled to feel sad there are no thanks. Dm is the same.
Tell yourself you've done a lovely thing and reward yourself/- choc or wine does it for me.
dint that must be so hard to acknowledge. Hope the cats can offer help.

2021 I feel your pain but sadly have no advice. I think you reach a point where it largely washes over you most of the time though.

Dint I am understand why you'd struggle with that. Have some bonus cat cuddles.

Any by way of a laugh...I went on Tinder a few nights ago for shits and giggles and have inadvertantly found myself in an episode of bloody Fleabag. Chatting away to this guy I'd matched with last night and he reveals that he's a former vicar.

Just when I thought my life couldn't get anymore ridiculous...🤣🤣🤣

Bonus cat cuddles

Hi folks
Its been a while!
Hope you all managed a decent Xmas?
minty I readying posts with mounting horror and much much sympathy. I wish I knew what to say x
Mum is really happy in the flat. She even said a couple of weeks ago that she should have done it sooner 🙄
It nearly killed my dh and I getting the flat ready- my siblings were pretty much absent the whole 6 weeks then on moving day my brother said he thought he had covid symptoms and should stay at home. Handy.
I was pretty annoyed at her last week...she has copd and knows that extremes in temperature can set-off a flare up.
I told her last week it was far too cold for her to go for a walk.
And agreed.
Then a friend phoned, suggested a walk and off she went.
Yeah...you guessed it. 39 degree temp, awful cough and flare up. Its so difficult ult to get through to the drs here atm but after 2 hours I managed. They sorted some antibiotics for her and she feels much better.
Just didn't have to happen.
I'm debating contacting the friend and telling her not to suggest walks when it's minus 2!
Grrr.
She's very down. Lockdown is getting to her. Its more that she can't see my brother and dn though really.
I get a day off tomorrow as I've got a hospital appointment 🙃
Love to all x

Minty I love striped tabbies, and that tail is beautiful! Here are mine - there's 3 in that box. They can barely get in there one at a time now. And a better view of the blotched tabby.

I have just had a shower and a change of clothes because I couldn't get away from the smell of smoke. This is as a result of mum trying to boil an egg. It would be funny except that it's very much not funny.

Love the cat pics!! Dint scuse the dumb question but do the cats get in the box of their own accord??
Our only ever cat was a half feral ginger Tom/ white Persian mix who was a complete thug who terrorised our dog ( large Doberman) and battered his way out of a locked cat flap ( on bonfire night) because we thought he would be scared while the dog was cowering on our knees.....
Good to hear the move went well shrill and sorry about the trip out.....

Oh knot!

Dint we think you need to order larger things, won't someone think of the kitties?

Hope you don't mind me butting in, but @Knotaknitter i don't know if the egg boiling incident is an ongoing problem? If so, it is worth investigating various stove guards or guard gadgets.

@MereDintofPandiculation so cute!

I love having cats. My childhood cat passed away 6 months before I got married and my ex husband refused point blank to have a cat.

It was definitely a good trade off!

do the cats get in the box of their own accord?? You might be able to squeeze one cat into a too-small box, but you wouldn't be able to keep it there while you squeezed another two in.

The obvious black and white was a teenage mum - 11 months when the two kittens were born. They've all three done some growing since, but the two kittens are now a size larger than their mum, and she's been making it clear to them that she thinks it's high time they went and found homes of their own.

Then again, over the last few weeks they've all been playing games together, and she's taken to washing them again. Well, the tabby. She's not so fond of the B&W.

I've never had a cat scared of fireworks either.

Knot We're doing our best

minty When I had a DS about 35 years ago, c leaner said to me, with very worried expression, "what if the cats don't take to the baby?" I said "Well, the cats were here first, so I suppose the baby would have to be re-homed" Didn't go down well

2021optimist I don't know how your mum felt about going into the residential home, but the photos might be making her reflect on what she's lost from her previous life. It was a year after Mum moved into a home that we started clearing her house for sale (not saying you should wait longer at all, it was just how things worked out for us), and it was heartbreaking how much that upset her. That might be coming out as not wanting to talk about the photos too much at the moment. I got my mum one of those calendars printed with family photos for christmas, and she said it made her burst into tears - but she was very pleased with it eventually.

The rest of the time, this is completely true and very frustrating!: "She's a lovely person but age/ pain/ fear can make her grumpy and it's always shared with, though not actually directed at, me" and I'm not the only child but I still get it all!

I've had to phone the GP about mum this morning.
Her mental health is shot to shit and she won't engage with any notion of getting help.

Most of it is around the situation with L. I had a call from his agency this morning and apparently he has instigated a referral for mum to be assessed so he could keep attending when my dad passes.

The agency initially said that a referral has been made, I had to ask them who by. I did mention that mum is extremely vulnerable at the moment and made a point of arranging the assessment when I'll be there.

Mum thinks he was 'funny with her' last week and won't come back after his annual leave this week. She has been utterly distraught and in floods of tears all day every day, talking about killing herself and paranoid that one of the other carers and I are colluding behind her back to put a stop to L's visits.

I have just told the GP surgery the whole thing and mentioned the word 'safeguarding' as they were initially reluctant to engage with me as a third party.

Have also had a lengthy convo with mum's best friend who is 10 years younger and calls her every other day. She's also at loss how to support her, but we're on the same page re discouraging her dependency on L and have discussed some interim damage limitation measures.

God knows what will happen now. I think the edge of the metaphorical cliff is looming.

Gosh, Minty, what a nightmare situation for you. It sounds like DM needs to talk to the GP as soon as possible. Is the plan that they will get back in touch soon? Hopefully they will be able to do a really thorough assessment and also explore the issue of possible early dementia

It's a delicate situation as although I don't think the situation with L is entirely appropriate, I don't think she's at immediate risk and I'm not 100% certain he's guilty of anything other than wobbly boundaries.

If I pull the plug on him, I can't imagine how she'll react (ok, I can well imagine but would really rather not).

I think the 'dementia' signs that the other carer has noticed may well be down to her MH issues and being bored, lonely and isolated (because of course having me round 5 days and one night a week is in no way adequate ).

So my feeling is that we tackle the MH stuff first and practice 'watchful waiting' wrt to L.

The care assessment from L's agency is not for another 3 weeks and I will suggest to them that they need to mix up carers so she doesn't become too reliant on one person. In the meantime he has two visits...I am planning to find a pretext to be round at least some of the time to try and dilute the situation.

Wow Minty you have a whole bucket full of shit to deal with !
Tbh I think I would be phoning the agency to ask that they don't send him for a while.

Wow Minty you have a whole bucket full of shit to deal with!

Nah, it's all a piece of cake .

Tbh I've had much thrown at me for so long now I think I'm almost past point of stressing about any of it. I'll do my best for mum and dad within my limits and whatever will be, will be.

So long as I have somewhere to vent and wine, it's all good!

Hi All, it has been a while. You may remember my earlier posts about the Grimm bros, they have been silent since the solicitors letter and I am glad of that.

This week we hope to sell my mother's flat, this will be a great relief.

I have not caught up on how you are all coping, I will go back and read but I just needed a little vent here about how to deal with my mum and my aunt's constant calls to me.

Mum calls me up to 20 times a day, she is in a residential home and has vascular and altsheimers dementia and thinks she has been "in France/on a cruise/on a trip with her friends" and calls to ask me to pick her up. I only answer once or twice a day because I cannot work and keep answering my mum's calls. If I do answer it is the same conversation every time.

Then my aunt will call (she doesnt have dementia) and tell me the same story but will take an hour to tell me this plus all the other stuff she told me last week in the most minute detail. She has demanded a phone number for a neighbour or a friend who will tell me where I am/how I am if I fail to answer her calls and I have told her there is noone who knows, I love alone and apart from my bubble friend who I see every weekend there is no-one. She hissed "it will have to be 999 if you cant give me a number then" the last time I said no to her.

I am at my wits end with her and my mum and starting to see the signs of stress creeping in (no appetite and not engaging with anyone outside of work and my bubble friend) when this happens I lose weight, drink too much and become short tempered, it happened last week when my aunt and I had a converstion about the news story about the food parcels and all she could do was slag off families who "should be grateful and cannot cook a proper dinner" and it made me cry, I was so angry that I could be in the same family as someone who held such awful judgemental views (its not the first time this has happened- but the last time was 20 years ago) and I told her I was ending the call because I was too upset to continue. She then called five times the next day and I chose not to answer because I was having a nice time with my friend and did not want an hour on the phone whilst she described (yet again) her vaccination journey, her calls to my mum etc.

Are lots of dementia carers seeing that thier loved ones are deteriorating during this lockdown? Or is it just another stage of her dementia? My aunt does not have dementia, she drinks a lot of whiskey in the evenings and rambles for hours on a phone call- she is alone and lost her husband the week before last year's lockdown after 60 years of marriage. I get she is lonely, but I cannot deal with being a carer for both of them. I am their only living relative. I am beginning to hate the sound of my phone ringing.

I dont expect any answers. I just needed to let it all out and have someone say "aye its fecking hard" I think.

Thanks for the let it out space.

flaming good to see you again- sorry you are dealing with so much s@#£.
Please rant away- we hear you. Definitely elderlies are deteriorating.are there any services who could help your aunt?
minty sounds like stress is getting to your mum. Please look after yourself.

Hi @Mxflamingnoravera I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that.

The worst I've had with mum is probably 6-7 calls in a day (and a couple of them me to her to check in) and that drives me scatty.

Assuming it's your mobile they are ringing - could you get a cheap one and give them that number, then you could switch it off and just check calls when you are ready. Your mum's care home would still have your number if there was a genuine emergency.

As for your aunt with her 999 threats, let her crack on.

Lockdown I think has been horrendous even for oldies without dementia, and particularly those with other things to cope with. There are just no support services available now, particularly for the social/emotional side of things.

I'm praying that by the time by dad passes they'll have got a handle on Covid and be able to reopen day centres etc so I can get mum out of the house and meeting some new people.

Flaming it was good to hear from you. I am glad to hear the Grimm brothers have remained silent since the solicitors letter. They are a horrible pair.
I know it's been hard dealing with your mother and her dementia. You don't want to have to deal with your aunt also. As for saying she ring 999 if you don't give her a number for a neighbor ect I tell her you don't know their numbers. Would the gimm brothers like a call from her - give her their numbers.
Tell her as well that if she rings 999 drunk they will be able to trace the call and they could show up to her house.
When she starts on her monologue I would just say I have heard this all before from my mother and I am not listening to this again. In fact the next night she rings you drunk I say to her I am not listening to you drunk on this phone and hang up. Have a whistle beside the phone and if she rings back blow it down the phone.
She is way overstepping the mark. Get the police to call around some morning after you tried ringing her and got no reply when you know she was drinking the night before.
You know your mother dementia is causing her to ring you but you aunt is been total pain. I tell her as well that the modern phones are great as it will just you a few mins to block her calls.

Between both of them I can understand why you dread hearing your phone ring. I am glad you have a friend in your bubble because you need support now. The whole covid situation has made life even harder for people.

Minty - I think your right to be weary of the whole situation with L and your mother. When L is their I be their to watch and listen to them. Ask L are they married/seeing anyone/ have they children in front of your mother and see how they reply. If you think he is getting over fimilar with her contact his care agency and get him moved on. Her friend has the same feeling as you about L. Make sure your their when they are doing her assessment. Get her to her doctor as well as she may have early dementia.
Your doing your best in a horrible situation. Would nursing home care be an option for her if she is diagnosed with dementia now or later down the line?
Have you taken time off work to look after her and see you currently getting money from the dhss? When are you due back in work?
You need to look after yourself otherwise you can't look after her. Could you get a different career in for an extra day a week so you could have a brake?