The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

"In other news lovely daily carer said today he couldn't believe how useless our GP has been and that dad is probably the worst case for frailty he's seen in 15 years."

Does the carer say what they think should be done?

It would be good if your mum could be separated from that carer or she might give him money.

I mean separated from L, not from lovely daily carer.

Daily carer expressed the same thought about L, although I don't get the impression that's what he's after.

I think he genuinely wanted to be her friend but she's got overinvested and his attempts to let her down gently aren't working.

Carer asked his agency to get obt3o GP for hospice referral in November which it appears didn't happen but from the convo I had with the hospice this morning it would've been a non starter anyway.

I've no objection to anyone going to the shop, to be clear. But I think it's a shame how people take advantage of it. It's been depressing to see how many of mum's elderly friends have done this. My mum has actually had them call and say "I'm going to the naice cake shop, do you want anything" when someone else is doing their regular shop! It's a lot easier to stay safe while shopping if you're just carrying a basket with a cake in it. When you're elderly perhaps with dodgy knees, manoeuvering a trolley which takes all your strength to push makes it difficult to nip out of the way if someone without a mask comes too close.

Oh, MInty! It's almost like you're a test-bed for every older person problem that could possibly happen!

@MereDintofPandiculation

I've no objection to anyone going to the shop, to be clear. But I think it's a shame how people take advantage of it. It's been depressing to see how many of mum's elderly friends have done this. My mum has actually had them call and say "I'm going to the naice cake shop, do you want anything" when someone else is doing their regular shop! It's a lot easier to stay safe while shopping if you're just carrying a basket with a cake in it. When you're elderly perhaps with dodgy knees, manoeuvering a trolley which takes all your strength to push makes it difficult to nip out of the way if someone without a mask comes too close.

Oh you're far too nice!

These are people who are watching travel advice closely for their winter sun chance. They are not worried about sitting on a plane and many just enjoy a potter in the supermarket, which has of course now gone due to all the faff.

So it's much easier to chat in the cake shop instead. They are still going to see each other, which I don't object to either. Mum has banned visitors so we don't get in trouble with police or stuck in T&T.

I just wonder how many people are volunteering to shop for those who really don't need the help.

• deletes rant about bloody MIL's bloody shopping because you've heard it before -

Minty L should be maintaining a professional relationship with your mum which automatically prevents a personal one. She shouldn't have his private phone number nor should they be FB friends. No gifts, no errands off the clock, no meetings outside of working hours, no sharing of personal life. Does she want him to lose his job?

knot feel free to rant- we hear you.
minty your mother is something else. Do I recall a friend of hers had words with her a while back? Maybe have a word?Back away.
Make sure your dad is cared for and look after yourself and your daughter.
Use your energy wisely.

I've just burst into tears talking to my mother

She started the conversation with the ailments of so and so

I find these conversations so depressing and just couldn't take it.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Oh, MInty! It's almost like you're a test-bed for every older person problem that could possibly happen!

You're not wrong. I am so writing a book at the end of this.

Yes, the situation with L is a bit of a nightmare. He has told her that he can't have any kind of personal relationship with a client, but his actions are kind of not backing that up.

I'm going to give her a close friend a call this evening and she if she has any words of wisdom.

In positive news, mum's getting her first jab tomorrow, at last!

Oh acorn sending a big hug and large gin. It's thankless isn't it.
I daren't ask dm how she is. Never goes well. She read the list of possible vaccine side effects and said she had them all already.......
🍷🍷🍫🍰 to all.

Thank you sandwich

She is okay, apparently even did a bit of cooking today, but for some reason, just wanted to talk about the most depressing things

I had just had a lovely chat with a friend who told me she is 1) pregnant again and 2) sorting out her business plan to have it all in place for a couple of years. (It's not new, she did it before but got a job in order to get a mortgage so now to ride out the job till savings build etc).

She is a lovely dynamic inspiring woman and it was incredibly sad to have the joy of that chat go down the pan so fast.

@thesandwich

Oh acorn sending a big hug and large gin. It's thankless isn't it. I daren't ask dm how she is. Never goes well. She read the list of possible vaccine side effects and said she had them all already....... 🍷🍷🍫🍰 to all.

Does she have any? Or does she like to pretend?

Minty
Could you not ( gently ) have a word with this man directly and ask him to be a little cooler with your mum. As you'd hate to have to flag this to his employer to protect him

acorn so glad you have lovely friends. Dm has no vaccine sid3 effects apart from a sore arm.
Elderlies can be like vortexes ( or vortices? Who cares) of doom sucking all joy from life. Hang on to the good bits that make life worthwhile. We used on here about applying Teflon coatings to ourselves before engaging with the elderlies. I find it helps as I let myself in the front door of dms bungalow.....

sandwich I'll have to ponder that

when I rang, she knew I was upset about something amd that was her chosen line of chat. The mind boggles.

I think she needs a hearing aid as well but that's by the by.

Hearing aids - one of mine is not deaf, no, no. Pardon? The other is not wearing their hearing aids/has them in the wrong ears/doesn't remember they need batteries. Of the two of them the second is easier to deal with. Even in normal times NHS audiology moves very slowly but it makes such a massive difference especially if they live alone. That sounds odd but it means that they don't have a live-in interpreter. I have seen mum sit nodding and agreeing with a consultant knowing that she couldn't hear a word he was saying because he was facing away from her looking at a screen.

DM did have side effects from the vaccine - felt flu like - but that seems to have passed.

She is also deaf, but in denial. Which makes appointments with people who are wearing masks fun.

She also carries about her some casual racism, so if that person happens to be black or Asian, she will immediately decide she can't understand their accent - before they have actually spoken. One lovely GP was speaking to her and she turned to me and said I can't understand a word he's saying, where is he from? And I answered with 'London I think mum'. She was not best pleased with me.

but for some reason, just wanted to talk about the most depressing things Just worried inside? Wanting to air everything to a live human being? It's the sort of thing you might talk to your husband about. You can be worried that you might fall ill, since so many around you are, or you may be worried on behalf of the other person, and it seems easier if you can tell someone else what's happened, especially if they take it in their stride. Very hard if you don't have/no longer have a partner. It took me quite a while to realise the most useful thing I could do for my dad was not shopping or cleaning, it was to act as a sounding board for incredibly trivial worries and decisions. I'd have much preferred the shopping and cleaning

... but being able to understand that there may be a reason behind it, doesn't make it any easier, especially when you have barely enough reserves to look after your own emotional state.

have seen mum sit nodding and agreeing with a consultant knowing that she couldn't hear a word he was saying because he was facing away from her looking at a screen. I understand that! I'm losing the high frequencies, which mean I can't hear the "s"s, "t"s etc, so speech sounds mumbling to me. I'm often tempted to sit quietly and let all the conversation drift around me. I understand how loss of hearing raises the risk of dementia - it's so hard to keep in touch with the world.

I've lost count of the times I have started a meeting telling them that mum is deaf and her hearing aids are broken, can they look straight at her when they are speaking to her. Within a couple of minutes they are talking at their screens again. She wouldn't mention it of course - not that it matters when the result is the same.

She read the list of possible vaccine side effects and said she had them all already.......

I shall look forward to that later then...putting wine in the fridge now 🙄

I agree with Mere it's the emotional load of caring i find much, much harder than the physical side.

nota my mum is exactly the same re hearing and mild racism.

Oh and going back to me being a test case for everything that can possibly go wrong with elderly parents, lovely carer yesterday mooted the possibility that mum might have early onset dementia.