The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@Mxflamingnoravera I can relate to the phone calls, well the dementia related ones. I woke up yesterday morning to no less than 35 voicemails from DM. She went to bed early, woke up sometime before midnight and thought it was daytime. She has definitely deteriorated during lockdown, I can't believe the decline in her. I've had to up the care package and am thinking of having to add more hours early evening as she is so distressed/lonely/frightened.

@MintyCedric that all sounds very stressful. The paranoia your DM is showing could be early signs of dementia or as you say other MH issues. The situation with L sounds difficult, it doesn't sound like he has handled it too well and should have stepped back once he saw the signs. Being FB friends with a carer doesn't sound very professional!

In other news, we have no heating or hot water..fingers crossed the engineer comes today!

@Ilady

Yes I'm off work...have applied for Carers Allowance and Universal Credit. Will get Council Tax credit sorted once they're through and have a little slush fund to fall back on in the meantime.

Have also got all the gubbins about getting support with DDs sixth form costs later in the year.

Our main concern around L is mum's level of attachment to him, rather than that he will try and fleece of her of her life savings. She's actually pretty astute on that front and has assured me that she hasn't discussed her finances with him.

One has to wonder though, why he hasn't completely shut the situation down yet and seems keen for it to continue. I emailed the head office of the company he works for yesterday, alluding briefly to my concerns (without personal details) and asked them to send me a copy of their code of appropriate conduct for carers.
He has stated to mum that he can only be so friendly due to his job and that he has no intention of giving it up. He has two grown up sons and is single, with no desire to live with someone or marry again, he says.

Alas...he is the different carer, and if he goes, mum will dig her heels in about getting someone else, which is partly why I'm trying not to go in like a bulldozer (obviously if my concerns became more serious I'd be down on him like a ton of bricks). He's due in next on Monday and I will going round.

Re her mental health/poss dementia. She repeats herself a lot, will tell me the same story 3 time over the course of a week, for instance, and the main daily carer has noticed it too. She's also struggling more with things like Internet shopping...getting confused with when she's got a delivery coming and whether or not she's checked out when she changes her order. She doesn't like not being able to do her own shopping so is always a bit neurotic about making sure she has everything - two deliveries a week for two of them and dad barely eats!

There's definitely been some decline but I suspect a lot of it is circumstantial. She's definitely depressed and I've called the GP surgery and asked if her preferred GP can give her a call under the guise of a 'welfare check' sometime this week.

That said I saw her yesterday afternoon and she's in much better spirits for hearing from L that he's coming on Monday and will continue to come when Dad passes away, subject to the assessment being approved .

If she does have dementia, I will definitely not be caring for her full time. Physical care may be a bit grim but I can cope with that...mental/emotional stuff...absolutely not.

@flygirl767

35 missed calls???!!

You poor thing. I was going to say we must go for that coffee when this bloody lockdown is over, but I suspect we'll both need something stronger by then!

[quote MintyCedric]@flygirl767

35 missed calls???!!

You poor thing. I was going to say we must go for that coffee when this bloody lockdown is over, but I suspect we'll both need something stronger by then![/quote]
35 voice messages so I had to go through and delete them all! God knows who else she phoned if she thought it was daytime.

I have to say, that is how my mum's dementia started about 4/5 years ago. Repeating herself, unable to work things like her iPad which she used to do. I do hope it isn't, you have such a lot to cope with already but if it is is and is picked up early, medication can stop it progressing so quickly. The problem you will have which I had with mum is getting her to the GP for any tests. You will probably have to trick her saying it's an over 70's/80's health check or similar!

Yes to something stronger than coffee..lets hope lockdown is eased in the not too distant future.

I have to say, that is how my mum's dementia started about 4/5 years ago. Repeating herself, unable to work things like her iPad which she used to do.

Yeah, I was having some concerns before the carer raised the subject and she'll be 82 this year so hardly outside the realms of possibility.

The problem with mum is that she can be quite attention seeking and manipulative so you're never quite sure if her behaviour is genuine or not.

Just spoke to CQC as have had reply from the care agency requesting to personal details to 'investigate my concerns' which is not what I want happening at this stage.

CQC have said to go back an explain that, there's no reason they can't just send me a policy. Also had a chat about the situation as a whole and they seemed to think that the watchful waiting approach whilst getting mum support with her MH is a good idea, so that was reassuring.

In the meantime...

In current times the intial memory check is done over the phone, after that someone came out and did a more specialised one. I think we started in August but there was a long wait for the mobile scanner to be visiting the hospital, in normal times it would have been the main hospital facilities but for obvious reasons they didn't want the otherwise healthy over 80s stepping through the hospital door. It took August - November for a formal dementia diagnosis for mum.

Looking back, one of the first signs with mum was her shopping. She would always buy piles of meat every week (a kilo of chicken, chops, steak, sausages) and I'd reached the stage of noticing it but not really thinking about it when we hit lockdown. Her freezer was packed with meat, she was buying more each week not knowing that she already had plenty, sticking it in the freezer and forgetting it was there.

Things are stable here so the number of phone calls has fallen right off. I do recognise the vomit-inducing call avalanche though.

My heart always sinks when, at the end of a call in the morning, my father says "I'll try and ring this evening". If I can't cope with two calls in the day, I don't know how anyone can cope with multiple calls.

My father's never had a dementia diagnosis - he was assessed as "mild cognitive impairment" which means basically that on the short screening test (drawing a clock, counting back from 100 in 7s, remembering addresses etc) he fell into that region just above the "assess for dementia" cut off. At that stage he was forgetting to take tablets, losing the ability to do things on the computer that he previously managed with no problem, sleeping off hours, insisting on having breakfast then lunch then tea even if he didn't wake up till 3pm.

But the main symptom was failure to keep things he'd read/heard in all their separate compartments, so he was coming up with fantastic stories eg "British Gas/buying up freeholds/sending bills too late to pay/asking for Court to enforce payment so non payment = contempt of Court/bankruptcy/prison". Rather like those long winded dreams where each little segment makes sense on its own but the whole thing is utterly ludicrous.

Just back after another witching hour poonami rescue mission.

It seems that dad has been calling out for a while and mum hadn't heard him so had managed to remove his PJ bottoms, and pants...he was covered, the bed was covered...God only know what he'd been trying to do with his left hand 🙄.

I was just drifting off into a lovely relaxed state after pizza, wine and trashy telly with DD. And I don't mind the cleaning him up tbh...it's not pleasant, but it is what it is. What drives me absolutely batshit is mum flapping and saying she can't cope and is going to be sick and making boak noises and pulling faces at the mess and smell. Then nearly gassing poor dad with air freshener.

I hate that I can't me more compassionate and patient with her.

I asked Dad if he remembered being in the care home in the summer, and wanting to come home. He indicated that he'd rather be back somewhere like that now, but if we make that call its going to have to be in the knowledge that we might not see him again.

Quite honestly I'd like to stick mum in there too and have done it with it atm .

That sounds really tough Minty.

Why doesn't your mum think that she should be pitching in to help get him clean - given it's her husband?

She can't cope with anything 'bodily emissions'.

She'll round up all the bedding etc and take it off for washing (a giant turd that I'd missed fell out last night and she shreiked so loud she probably woke the neighbours ), and wiped down the bed rails etc, so she doesn't do absolutely nothing, but I'd almost rather she did than deal with her stressing!

You'd also think she'd rather do it to spare her daughter ( you ) having to see / deal with her father's bits . There is also more dignity for him if she do it. But you mum is only thinking of herself and not him or you .
I'm sorry but once this is all over , I fear you will have another problem on your hands , in the form of your mother.
You sound like a kind and caring daughter , but for the same of your own life , you will need a re-use think for the future ( your future )

Lots of typos there ! Apologies.

My dad and I are very close and both arty types that don't have too many issues with bodies per se which I think helps, although it's certainly not ideal.

It would be heartbreaking if he was distressed by me doing it but we're both pretty matter of fact about that kind of thing. My cousin who was in his late fifties at the time nearly had a nervous breakdown when he had to help his mum into the shower after she broke her arm a while back.

As for mum...well there will be no changing her now so it's just a matter of damage control. I am beginning to realise my limits and we are discussing what will happen once dad passes on. I'm hoping she will go into a retirement village where she has her own space/freedom but plenty of help and social opportunities on hand. We have somewhere in mind that she likes and where a friend of hers lived happily for several years.

I keep pointing out to her that I cannot be off work forever so she is going to have to manage with a lot less input from me when the time comes and needs to be in a situation where she feels able to cope and I have peace of mind, so we can just enjoy being mum and daughter again without all the other complications. How much of that is sinking in who knows?

What is worrying me at the moment is how long dad will hang on for. When I arranged the sabbatical it was on the assumption that once he passes I would have plenty of time to get mum sorted and settled before returning to work, but it feels like the clock is ticking and that's a constant source of anxiety.

I can't really see a future for myself until they are both gone tbh.

She can't cope with anything 'bodily emissions'. How the hell did she cope with babies?

Having had 2 DC and upwards of a dozen cats, most of my squeamishness has been beaten out of me. My gut instinct is to say she needs to grow up. Then my "woke" side kicks in and says "she may have a phobia" ... in which case she needs to remove herself from the situation and not get in the way of people who are cleaning it up.

And all that drama is very rude to your poor dad.

I don't think you have any need to be more compassionate and patient over this issue. Bundle her out of the door and turn the key in the lock until you are finished.

When I arranged the sabbatical it was on the assumption that once he passes I would have plenty of time to get mum sorted and settled before returning to work, but it feels like the clock is ticking and that's a constant source of anxiety. That is a horrible situation to be put in.

I can't really see a future for myself until they are both gone tbh. That's about it. Which is why you need to find a care solution for her that doesn't have you in it. Then your future can start sooner.

I am the only baby...apart from DD who she looked after a fair bit when I was at work. Babies are small and cute and you know you what you're signing up. Dealing with emissions of an 82 yo man who's been constipated for a week or so, not so much!

As I say it really doesn't bother me (which is ironic as this time last year I recoiled when asked to give him an upper body wash). I just wish she'd sod off and leave me to it and not keep whinging.

As far as the sabbatical goes, I have, in theory got the option of extending for a third term and going back next January if needs be, but that will be subject to the approval of governors so is not guaranteed.

Going forward, I will be going back to work, and I will not be moving in to care for her so there is no choice other than to make other arrangements or she will have to get on with it.

I'm happy to pop in once or twice a week and help her out with the odd bit of shopping/errand subject to my own commitments but not to be a 24/7 fifth emergency service/personal butler.

Was watching Grand Designs last night and a chap had built a house with an annexe for his mum and stepdad, they were so appreciative and his mum said "you hope your kids will want to look after you a bit when you're older, but you don't take it for granted..."

Kind of wished I could trade her in!

I am sorry Minty it's just endless.

I thought I was doing well today. I had the opportunity to point out how simple jobs were becoming a real challenge and perhaps it was time to start thinking about the future, somewhere where there was someone on hand all the time to sort things out, cook meals, clean and provide entertainment. That got me a yes to looking into respite care (whoopee) except that she followed up with the idea that she could just move in with me. Just because I do all those things now doesn't mean I want to be doing them daily for the next ten years, I would like to have a bit of fun while I still have the knees for it. I don't have a dog because it would be too tying but it would not be half as tying as a live in parent with dementia.

Christ Knota you need to disabuse her of that theory.

Minty in the nicest possible way, the more you do for your parents, the more you will continue to do for them. You can't put your life on hold forever.

Cockroach all.

Just because I do all those things now doesn't mean I want to be doing them daily for the next ten years, I would like to have a bit of fun while I still have the knees for it.

Amen to that.

I'll have been single for 5 years in July and was quite resolute about staying that way for a long time, but having had a couple of near misses over the last six months have realised I'd quite a relationship...or at least some sex with an animate object, ideally sooner rather than later!

Not to mention catching up on all the travelling I've not been able to do once Covid is under control.

Mum is at least perusing sheltered accommodation off her own back, so fingers crossed.

knot oh heavens! Does she have any care now at all? Can you start introducing a cleaner type person? If she’s had the jab?
As soon as dm needed help I got very carefully selected help in which has developed... I was working then but made sure I was working on the system rather than in it if I could- when it slips, when dm has had falls etc our relationship deteriorates.
Good to see you not- are you able to continue to do less now you are out f quarantine?
minty your dm sounds entirely capable of sorting her own life. Step away.
Anyone read the Thursday murder club? Sounds a great place to grow old!! High body count though.....

I had the audio book of TTMC just before Christmas...that is definitely where I'm heading in my dotage.

I also downloaded it for mum to listen to by way of gentle encouragement .

Dad has been on good form today. Plenty of sleep but chatty and 'with it' when awake and massive appetite for him. He's a life long tea drinker with no sweet tooth whatsoever and he's just finished his dinner with a milky coffee and 2 of my homemade coffee macarons, which he asked for after having one with his lunch!

He's also requested Tex Mex at some point in the not too distant future .

Has anyone else found their Elderlies have undergone a massive change of tastes and slightly weird eating habits?

@maddywest

2021optimist I don't know how your mum felt about going into the residential home, but the photos might be making her reflect on what she's lost from her previous life. It was a year after Mum moved into a home that we started clearing her house for sale (not saying you should wait longer at all, it was just how things worked out for us), and it was heartbreaking how much that upset her. That might be coming out as not wanting to talk about the photos too much at the moment. I got my mum one of those calendars printed with family photos for christmas, and she said it made her burst into tears - but she was very pleased with it eventually.

The rest of the time, this is completely true and very frustrating!: "She's a lovely person but age/ pain/ fear can make her grumpy and it's always shared with, though not actually directed at, me" and I'm not the only child but I still get it all!

Thank you Maddy that's very helpful, I hadn't thought of it in that light. The whole situation with elderly parents gets so emotional that sometimes one can't see the wood for the trees.

Been here since 12.30 yesterday and it's not been too bad but the overwhelming need to get back to my home/space and away from it all is reaching critical mass.

But I'm stuck trying to sort out change of phone/broadband provider.

Lovely regular carer has been in...apparently he heard her on the phone the other day...she's been offered night sitters a couple of times week but declined because she 'doesn't want strangers in the house, yet she's quite happy to have me breaking my back on the sofa on the sofa every week (there's a spare room/bed but for personal reasons I prefer not to use that room).

Has anyone else found their Elderlies have undergone a massive change of tastes and slightly weird eating habits? Apparently it's common for elderlies to develop more of a sweet tooth. And common to start wanting spicier things as smell and taste decline.

My elderly has never grown up beyond nursery food, so the care home regime of dessert after both main meals, and tea and cake twice a day to fill in the gaps suits him down to the ground.