The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

You sound like you have front row tickets stuck in the vortex of despair Minty.

I can't think of anything to suggest, other than pestering people again and maybe the MP and the local press. But honestly, that takes time and energy which you probably don't have.

I'm seriously considering some kind of press/social media 'whistleblowing' tbh.

Even if it doesn't help us, if it make people more aware of the kind of situation they could end up in it would be worth it.

I think it would be the route I would take.

I get that Covid has become the number one priority for the UK, but, that doesn't mean that all other services have stopped. Your dad deserves dignity, rather than get stuck in a bureaucratic loophole.

The only issue with going to the press to consider is whether your parents would both be ok with it and the exposure.

Might be worth a blanket email to all the agencies concerned, giving them a deadline that you want movement by, and if not, that you will be taking the story to the press.

I think I'm going to put a post in chat to see if my experiences are unusual.

I'm second guessing myself as I can see the logic of their point that there is nothing medically wrong with him, but I can't believe there are no other support options.

Will also speak to Carers UK and Age UK...maybe checkout some other forums.

Hi Minty

I really feel for you

I hope will be all right with me speaking frankly

Unfortunately, I am not sure a press thing would help.

My grandma also had a 24/7 carer just in case. Many people do. It sounds as if your father is much more ill. An overnight carer would at least be giving your mum a chance to sleep?

I have a friend who works, partly, in overnight care and she spends most of it reading. It's in a private home and the lady she cares for often sleeps through the night or doesn't need anything.

Grandma's carer ended up doing things like making tea in a pot where we'd always just bung tea bags in a mug before. She wasnt very busy!

But it wasn't safe for gran to be alone. I suppose it was different in that no one else could live with her and your mum can...but if funds are available to save that stress....

I understand your father wanted to come home but was that fair to you and did anyone really explain that to him? It sounds like your mum created part of the problem - why does she need "entertaining"? Emotional support, sure, but you live near so you can pop by for a cuppa and a cuddle?

Would your father reconsider a home? When I was looking at homes for dad, it was odd because he would have far preferred to be in his own home. But realistically that would have been a nightmare for me, mum, and sister. The whole point of it was that his ill health should impact less on the rest of us. Mum wasn't as mobile as your mum, it
sounds, but dad didn't think it right that his family should sort out his toileting etc

I'm sorry if I have the wrong end of the stick but it doesn't sound like funds are the issue. So IF I have that right, live in carers are an answer. I am also not sure why your father is considered end of life, might it be useful to get that looked at again?

Hospice provision is less than I had realised, yes. My view is that resources are limited and they allocate too much into fancy stuff and too little into end of life but that's a whole other conversation.

The hospice dad went to only had 11 beds and I felt they were kind to take him as it was probably a lot of admin for a man who was so clearly at death's door. If he had died on the patient transfer, I would not have been surprised.

We raised the possibility of dad moving to a home again a few weeks ago, and due to his level of frailty and the covid situation the GP strongly advised against it.

His end of life funding will be reviewed after 12 months so around April/May.

The thing is, mum has capacity and money but doesn't want to spend it, and to an extent I can see why...paying hundreds of pounds a week for someone to sit around just in case when I am 3 minutes round the corner and there 5 days and one overnight a week.

Our hand are tied largely by circumstance, and mine also by finance, I can't just step in and insist a certain thing happens because mum is next of kin and I certainly don't have the funds to pay for any additional care myself so it's out of my hands.

I probably just need to spend less time moaning and more time resolving myself to get on with it as I don't really have any other choice.

And I know people will say just step back, but they've been there for me through all sorts so I feel obliged to return the favour.

I'm also painfully aware that mum is not a natural nurse/carer and lacks patience which is made worse by her own age and health struggles. I won't my have my dad suffer because of that when I can make a difference.

It is what it is.

I think the only possible last resort is if any of you or your mum's friends could say to her that the cost is not just about what the carer does in terms of a task list, but in terms of restoring some quality of life for all of you, including your dad.

I had some strong words with a friend's mum who was refusing carers and it seems to have worked, so the friend thing is just an idea.

The GP is advising against it because Covid. It still might be the best thing for all of you, including your dad. You don't have to take his ir her advice of course.

I am so sorry, I wish I could be or do or say something more helpful.

minty I understand why you want to help your df but it is at what cost to you and your dd.
These are crucial times for your dd. Please think hard about what you can give without it breaking you or affecting her.
Your mum will not agree to more paid care because you do it.
Paid care means she could pop round and see you or walk with a friend. Private physio could help your dad.
This may go on for a long time... or maybe not. But your dd has one shot at this which shapes her whole life.

My MIL was also not a natural carer / nurse to the point that she probably was instrumental in her husband's death. She had a fear of being in the house overnight, so would not call a Dr . We do not live near and she would say he was getting better. Once we were so concerned for him We telephoned 111 and described his symptoms and got them to send an ambulance ( we live 200 miles away ! )
Once home again he wasn't properly looked after and died at home.
She didn't even phone anyone then except his son who was at work and had to drive to their house ( not 200 miles away ) and then contact ambulance to say he thought his father had died.

Took DM for her first vaccination tonight - big relief!

Great newsnota taking dm tomorrow- suspect we may meet a few local neighbours as quite a few I know are going tomorrow!
Biggest outing dm has had in months!

Delurking - hello everyone!

@MintyCedric-what an incredibly difficult situation for you - I really hope that your DM agrees to consider more care for your DF.

I have some challenges with elderly parents and also an elderly aunt and uncle. Today's frustration was that despite trying to convince my aunt that I can take on shopping for them, my uncle (98 years old) still insisted on 'popping to Sainsbury's' to buy some margarine

Stitch he probably wants to go, it will be like an outing for him.

He's old enough to make the choice, unless you're going to say he doesn't have full capacity?

You’re right Acorn, I think it is an outing for him and he definitely has capacity. I think he would hate not being able to get out. It’s just a bit frustrating when I’m rushing around trying to help so they don’t need to put themselves in harm’s way and he’s driving to a crowded supermarket (sigh). He did get his first vaccination last week, so that’s something...

@Stitchintimesaves9

You’re right Acorn, I think it is an outing for him and he definitely has capacity. I think he would hate not being able to get out. It’s just a bit frustrating when I’m rushing around trying to help so they don’t need to put themselves in harm’s way and he’s driving to a crowded supermarket (sigh). He did get his first vaccination last week, so that’s something...

Have they asked for help?

Sorry to ask but there are a lot of people trying to 'order" their elderly relatives to stay indoors at the mo.

@Stitchintimesaves9 I know where you're coming from. I've put my life on hold to care for mum and dad for the last year and try to protect them and mum keeps whining that she needs to go out for 'essentials' (chocolate biscuits and wine gums).

Tbh since I'm very fat and asthmatic I'm worried about the risk to me when there's just no bloody need to do it.

Thanks, Minty - take care of yourself!

Acorn - no, they didn't ask, I offered. I certainly haven't ordered them to do anything, just suggested that I could do their shopping and drive it round so that they wouldn't need to run the risk of visiting busy shops. I'm not going to say anything to them about the extra supermarket visits, just wanted to have a small moan on here

They are very sweet and grateful for the help.

Stitch if they are fine to go, then why offer?

Sorry to say but one of the issues with the supermarket thing is it's very easy to abuse

I think for a lot of people, someone offering to do their main shopping is just too good an offer to miss. They will take up the offer but then pop to the shop for a bit of chocolate when they fancy it, avoiding the hassle of the general shop but still needing, understandably, to see real life.

I've no objection to anyone going to the shop, to be clear. But I think it's a shame how people take advantage of it. It's been depressing to see how many of mum's elderly friends have done this. My mum has actually had them call and say "I'm going to the naice cake shop, do you want anything" when someone else is doing their regular shop!

Took dm for her jab yesterday- she thought it a v exciting day out but wanted to know where the coffee shop was...
( made do with a drive through costa)
I do think the elderlies are missing so much interaction and declining as a result. Low risk mini adventures must mean so much to them.

Oh God WTAF am I going to do with my mother?

I've been round here since 4pm yesterday and she has spent 80% of the time sobbing. A lot of this is to do with L, the weekly 'companion carer' whi she has gotten far too emotionally attached to.

He obviously likes her and wants to be her friend but there has to be boundaries. They've become friends on FB and text between visits, only a couple of times a week, and he's told her lots of personal stuff about himself. I'm sure he knows she is overinvested in the relationship and has tried to subtly put boundaries in place but she's misinterpreting everything and if he doesn't reply to one her messages she goes to pieces. Apparently he was 'different' with her this week as well no shit

He's off for the next two Wednesdays due to annual leave and training but has offered to come on another day in between.

She's also exhausted and anxious and strung out with dad situation, upset and frustrated that they can't really communicate, worried about how long it's going to go on for and what will happen after.

But...she just can't be helped.

She won't speak to the GP, won't engage with the idea of counselling, refuses to consider ADs.

I've suggested various things she can do to help herself, especially when I'm round...light DIY (which she enjoys), online free OU courses, finding a forum for other lonely oldies. Also said that when L comes round she could leave him with dad and pop round to me for a coffee and a cuddle with the cats (even though it's supposed to be my day off!)

She doesn't want a different person coming in on Wednesdays, partly because there are few men available and it's been good for dad to have another bloke to chat to, but if she can't put some boundaries in place I'll have to get in touch with the agency will cause problems for L who i think is basically intentioned, royally piss mum off and I can say goodbye to my mid week day off.

AAAARGGGHH!!!

It's not your job to make her happy. That's it really. She makes her own choices and she lives with the consequences of them, except she doesn't because she has you on call to rescue her.

Don't want people coming in? Take on the extra work then (no, Minty will do it)

Don't want to talk to anyone? Be lonely then (no, there's Minty I can weep on)

I've suggested endless things mum could do but it's nononono and then "I'm bored".

Minty she is sobbing about L?

She has fallen for L?

@MintyCedric

Oh God WTAF am I going to do with my mother?

I've been round here since 4pm yesterday and she has spent 80% of the time sobbing. A lot of this is to do with L, the weekly 'companion carer' whi she has gotten far too emotionally attached to.

He obviously likes her and wants to be her friend but there has to be boundaries. They've become friends on FB and text between visits, only a couple of times a week, and he's told her lots of personal stuff about himself. I'm sure he knows she is overinvested in the relationship and has tried to subtly put boundaries in place but she's misinterpreting everything and if he doesn't reply to one her messages she goes to pieces. Apparently he was 'different' with her this week as well no shit

He's off for the next two Wednesdays due to annual leave and training but has offered to come on another day in between.

She's also exhausted and anxious and strung out with dad situation, upset and frustrated that they can't really communicate, worried about how long it's going to go on for and what will happen after.

But...she just can't be helped.

She won't speak to the GP, won't engage with the idea of counselling, refuses to consider ADs.

I've suggested various things she can do to help herself, especially when I'm round...light DIY (which she enjoys), online free OU courses, finding a forum for other lonely oldies. Also said that when L comes round she could leave him with dad and pop round to me for a coffee and a cuddle with the cats (even though it's supposed to be my day off!)

She doesn't want a different person coming in on Wednesdays, partly because there are few men available and it's been good for dad to have another bloke to chat to, but if she can't put some boundaries in place I'll have to get in touch with the agency will cause problems for L who i think is basically intentioned, royally piss mum off and I can say goodbye to my mid week day off.

AAAARGGGHH!!!

What a nightmare Minty! Would your DM respond to a rational discussion about what will happen if she gets too attached to the companion? It sounds exhausting for you

She has fallen for L?

Pretty much.

Would your DM respond to a rational discussion about what will happen if she gets too attached to the companion?

Think that ship has sailed.

In other news lovely daily carer said today he couldn't believe how useless our GP has been and that dad is probably the worst case for frailty he's seen in 15 years.

Off the back of that I contacted the local hospice directly. Dad was referred in April and August...they didn't submit the third request the care firm asked for in November. But it appears that as dad doesn't need 'specialist' palliative care that's definitely a non-starter.

So we're definitely on our own. Which is great .