The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

MIL is having her second jab next week (it is still on). I've always viewed her as my biggest risk of infection, I carry in the shopping once a week and put it away, change sheets, change light bulbs, fix things that aren't broken, throw furry food from the fridge. One day she mentioned who had been that day and I was the sixth through the door. Two worked in schools, one in healthcare. Here I am living under a rock to minimise risks to the elderly while they are having their hair cut (and how many visitors does it take to change a light bulb?)

Mum goes nowhere and sees no-one but vaccination opens up the possibility of respite care and me having a break. I've been living the same day over and over since March and now I feel that change is coming.

Wowknot that sounds tough with Mil.not fair.
Are they “ visitors” leaving you to do the grunt stuff?
Fingers crossed your dm gets respite.

Thanks for the support all. I know I'm not alone in having a hard year, but having to deal with DM asking ten times an hour for the past nine months why I won't take her to the hairdressers...

I feel for you Knot.

Has anyone else's elderlies got their vaccine appointment through yet? I got sent an email for DM today saying due to her age etc she should be shielding, which is the first contact I believe she's ever had on the subject.

I got a call while I was away from the GP wanting to review her meds, and I raised the ongoing issue of her increasing incontience with them as something that may be a side effect of her meds, and they are going to look into it. I think I had got to the point of not being able to work out how and what to progress for her as it was overwhelming.

(I'm still waiting for my urgent carers assessment!)

not lots of mum's 80+ friends have had it but she hasn't

Some have even got their second appointment though whether they will get their second dose, I don't know.

Mum hasn't had it yet and is quite keen.

No vaccines for my two...apparently we're only getting supplies in our area this week. Whether or not they will even vaccinate dad is debatable id imagine.

I too have had the 'I wonder if I can still get my hair done' question several times this week, and ikwym @Knotaknitter about them being a bigger risk to us than we are to them. 4 different carers a day, 7 days a week plus dad's 'companion' and the physio.

So grateful that the schools are shut though and that GCSEs have been cancelled...that's reduced my anxiety for now and taken a load off DD who is already predicted good grades.

I've cut mum's hair twice, she said it was lovely and to be fair, it wasn't bad. I refused outright to cut MIL's because she is a moaner, nothing is ever right and she goes on and on forever. I was not prepared to hear about "that time you cut my hair and it was terrible" from now to the end of time.

The vaccination centre ran like a well oiled machine. I was slightly disappointed not to get fit young men in uniform but you can't have everything. It turned out that mum was wearing five layers, the doctor joked that it was like peeling an onion.

knot mum's vaccine appointment t has just come through for tomorrow!

She won't pay for a taxi to wait so I'm a bit concerned I'll have to carry a duvet for her! Other neighbour waited 30 mins outside. Hopefully its better flow now, that was before xmas.

We were told to wait in the car until 10 minutes before the appointment time. There would have been waiting outside if we had joined the queue at that point but we were marshalled into the exit to wait in the warm. At the end they have to sit and wait for 15 minutes in case there is a reaction which is plenty of time to get properly dressed again. It was well organised and they had obviously given some thought to not having a line of older people standing outside in the cold.

It was the most sociable occasion I have been to since March.

Knot wait in the cab isn't something mum will do due to the cost.

I hope they have some provision as obviously people will use public transport, but neighbour who had her vax at the same place said they didn't.

I will tell mum I'm not looking after her if she gets ill from cold. I can nip into the clinic to say she's outside in a cab.

I hope they have some provision as obviously people will use public transport, but neighbour who had her vax at the same place said they didn't. DH will be in batch 2, and he'll be walking if it's anywhere up to 2 miles, so I guess I'll have to have some hot coffee ready for when he gets back

Well, the place where the neighbour waited in the cold has now been covered with a marquee and there's chairs.

Wait was 6 minutes anyway. I think the neighbour was very unlucky waiting so long but she was probably there the first or second day of opening.

Mum was slightly flummoxed to be asked if she was pregnant...

I seem to do nothing but moan all the time and that's because I don't feel the need to share good news in the same way I need to offload bad news. Mum is doing ok at the moment, she's eating (mostly), I managed to wash her hair this week and nearly managed to part her from the ratty cardigan with the holes for elbows. She had things to say about what she's seen on the news the night before (the fact that she could remember seeing the news at all was startling) and it's all less grim than it was before Christmas. I still have the imaginary sister (sometimes a brother) but she knows they aren't real. She can't place who she is thinking about, they are family so they must belong to me. I suspect she has an image of a long dead sibling of hers but I guess we'll never know. I'm not on edge every waking moment and I'm not crying all the time. If you'd told me before Christmas that we could get back to this level I would not have believed you. I am enjoying it while it lasts.

Knot that's good.

That does sound betterknot try and build up your reserves.

Have you thought about getting yourself some anti depressants Knot? I find they help me cope to the point that I can some days pass for normal.

Strangely the new care agency report fairly consistently how lovely DM is, chatty, friendly, etc. Not sure if they are just saying that, or if DM just manages to pull it out of the bag for strangers, and saves the moaning and criticism for me.

My quarantine is due to come to an end on Tues .

Knot those periods when you are not constantly on edge with a knot in your stomach are such a relief - I think often we don't realise we were having one of those times until the stress comes back, so enjoy it while you can!

nota "or if DM just manages to pull it out of the bag for strangers, and saves the moaning and criticism for me" YEP that will be it

Yesnota it’s only us who the elderlies believe can’t walk away who get the worst behaviour...... are you happier with new agency?
Do you need any paperwork at vaccine appt? Been advised re dm by text today for thurs.... hooray!!!!

New agency seem really good, so far anyway. And manage to do things like wash up and wipe down the worktops in the kitchen, which is one less thing for me to do.

Meals on Wheels phoned me last week to say that she'd had a toileting accident, and the diahorrea-covered bathmat had been put in the bath, if I could pop over and sort it. 'No, sorry, I'm isolating'. I would if the agencies are going to keep track of how many days I am isolating for?

I seem to do nothing but moan all the time and that's because I don't feel the need to share good news in the same way I need to offload bad news.

I know the feeling...and here I am!

NYE/day and the subsequent weekend were awful in every respect...dad's health/care, mum flapping and moody and my mental health.

Last week not so bad. Dad had a fair few periods of being awake and fairly with it. Now it seems we're back on the rollercoaster.

Good morning Friday, ate breakfast and lunch well, alert and watching TV and chatting a bit.

Saturday - non responsive all day

Sunday - same as Friday - managing fingerfood for lunch unaided and eating a good amount.

Sunday late afternoon...in pain, confused, agitated. Mum called me, then the Echo team whose response was the standard 'give him morphine and call us back in an hour if it doesn't work'. I arrive half an hour after she'd dosed him to be greeted with a poonami of epic proportions. Difficult to move him without causing discomfort so we called the care agency to see if they could send someone out on an emergency basis. No one available so managed it myself. Care agency advised that this is why hospice should be on board, but they've rejected at least 2 referrals by the GP. Sorted mum's online shop out as she'd confused herself with two orders open, then went home and gave up on Dry January.

Apparently he was awake distressed and agitated at 4am this morning...he must've been in a state for mum to hear him without her aids in. Another poonami at 5.30 and another for the carers at 10am.

He's awake today but completely confused and disorientated and I've just had to tear his sandwich into bitesize pieces as he can't even manage fingerfoods himself.

Lovely guy who has been coming to do physio with him has just told us he won't be coming anymore as he's being redeployed to provide therapy for Covid patients returning home from hospital, so once again we're completely on our own.

That sounds bloody grim Minty.

Could the GP refer him to another hospice? Sounds like something has to give, and the longer you are 'coping' the longer you will be expected to cope.

We've only the one hospice locally, they keep turning us down although I'm thinking of phoning them directly to check that a/ GP has actually made the referrals and b/ ask exactly what their parameters are.

How I managed to clean up last night I don't know, because he'd had morphine his capacity to 'help' was pretty limited. It obviously wasn't pleasant for him either.

Had a chat with mum today and we've agreed I'm not going round now until Thursday afternoon/evening so I can get some stuff sorted out at home.

Between not sleeping well, being back and forth all the time and being emotionally drained I'm just not finding the energy/motivation to get anything done.

Minty does your dad have a social worker? Can you ask them why it is that he isn't receiving the service that would be expected?

Minty I apologise if I'm getting posters muddled up

Can you afford any private carers? Did you say your dad was in a care home before?

PS I contacted the hospice directly because of the opposite problem - the doctors wouldnt admit dad was dying, it was bizarre.

I did find they were kind and helpful but I was able to go in person.

He did get a referral in the end - none too soon as he died within six hours of admission. Poor soul. Anyway....the hospice people were lovely.

@AcornAutumn I'm so sorry you went through that.

Dad went for a month's respite back in August which actually was more stressful than having him at home from my POV. Mum wanted one of us to be visiting almost every day...we had to book appointments every time, take all the Covid procedures, in between she needed entertaining/moral support. The first week she was an absolute nightmare to be and everyone involved. Eventually got a two week extension on his stay and mum came round to the idea of him staying put, but they asked him and he didn't want to so as he had us and had capacity, he had to come home.

They could pay for more carers but his needs are so ad hoc that unless they pay to have someone there 24/7 just in case, there's not much point really.

GP/Community nurses - 'there's nothing we can do as he doesn't have any medical needs ie his vitals are fine and there is no infection or disease that they are aware of and able to treat.

Social Services - "You're not in our remit because he's already on end of life care funding" (IIRC)

Local Hospice - referrals from GP rejected, presumably because we have no timescale for his likely decline

Macmillan/Marie Curie - won't help as no formal diagnosis (he was originally suspected to have 'some kind of gastrointestinal cancer')

Echo Team (End of Life Care Hub) - their answer to everything is 'give him oral morphine and call back in an hour if it doesn't work'

I think all I can do is roll with and just protect my mental and physical health as best I can.