The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Nettle I would really encourage your DP to push as hard as he can for rehab, physio OT at home etc.

They did very little for my dad when he was in rehab...a five minute potter once a day and then 5 days of stair practice once a day before he came home.

I still wonder if more concentrated input would have made a difference.

@MintyCedric I cant understand it really. They had MIL in there about 3 years ago and worked her like a demon. She said they were really pushy. He was walking about and going up and down stairs before he went into the hospital 3 weeks ago for the UTI. I find it hard the believe that they will just leave him to it. I suspect because we are in a rapidly rising Tier 4, they are trying to shift him out asap

nettle sounds like they are trying to get him home- can your dp ask about follow up? Dm had a nhs physio from the falls team visit to help her get back to her previous mobility. Worth your dp emphasising what he could do.
If not, can you arrange a private physio to visit?
How’s everyone else doing? Got dd home today - so strange passing coffee shops with people sitting inside !

I feel ok today, it's been a while since I could say that.

Mum has always weighed 8 stone 5, she was 7.2 last week and is 7.1 today. She can't remember what she ate for her last meal and the result is that after I've left at 2pm she doesn't eat again. It's ok for me to have a 40 minute round trip at 6pm to show her the sandwich I left for her at lunchtime but "I'm not having strangers coming in my house" means that she won't spend her money to have someone else come in and wave food in front of her. After Christmas if she's still not eating she's agreed to a couple of weeks respite where someone else can have the responsibility of feeding her up. Right just now I'd love it if she decided to move into a care home, I am an only child, widowed (so there's no-one to take care of me) and after four weeks of her poking at food I am absolutely done with this. Today she's eaten a weetabix with milk, one slice of bread and jam and some jelly and ice cream that would fit on the palm of my hand. That is about three times what she's eaten on any other day so I am hoping that she's on the way to recovery.

Apparently it's Christmas this week, I'm skipping this one.

I am an only child, widowed (so there's no-one to take care of me)...

I hear you...sending a huge hug.

Just found out that XH has to self isolate for 10 days as a colleague tested positive so that's my day and half to myself screwed....hey ho.

Honestly I wish I could curl up and hibernate until spring 2022 and wake up to discover all the parental stuff was over/sorted and Covid had fucked off.

I barely slept last night...had two lots of nightmares where I woke myself up screaming for help...

Got dd home today - so strange passing coffee shops with people sitting inside ! What?! Where's this? Is it allowed?

Knot Alexa or similar to say at 6pm "there's a sandwich for you to eat now. It's on the kitchen table"? or would the disembodied voice freak her out?

You're probably right thinking she'd be better in a care home. We hadn't realised, but by the time he went into a nursing home Dad had lost 2 stone, which he regained quite quickly once he was having someone coming in 5 times a day bearing either a two-course meal or a cup of tea and a cake.

so OT has been. bed for downstairs coming this afternoon, FIL home tomorrow afternoon. We are in a rapidly rising Tier 4 area - worst in Sussex, so guessing they think he is safer at home and clearing out the home before Christmas

There’s something about the run up to Xmas that heralds more manic behaviour in this age group from Dec1 onwards. You can see gradual escalation in everybody’s circumstances on here across the board. I guess as limited resources are stretched to breaking there’s a stress overload.
The bit I found really odd was two years ago the palliative care team in our local hospital was not available between Dec25 and Jan3 when I’d have guessed it was peak of their year.

Positively, though, I know of care homes locally which have had the first vaccination. Our carehome manager reported that they vaccines around here went first to the council owned sites and then they appear to be starting with the small scale private ones and working up from there. Hoping carers who do home visits are being prioritised, too.

Dint Alexa reminds her about her evening tablets but as she's napping/without hearing aids/has the tv on it doesn't work at all. Sometimes she hears it say something but even on full volume she can't hear what it is.

That is why I thought a couple of week's respite would be good for her (and very good for me) because it would be regular mealtimes and might get her back into a pattern of eating.

I guess as limited resources are stretched to breaking there’s a stress overload. I think that's true. just the fact you are trying to sort Christmas means you take your eye off the ball and this is applying to everyone, all the carer too.

It's always when there's been a domestic trouble that the cats have been ill - the hassle of coping with impending Christmas, or new baby, or whatever, means you are not quite so tuned in to early signs of trouble.

Going into Tier 4 from midnight Christmas Eve.

Was hoping to form a bubble with best mate but she's been mixing a fair bit since the weekend, and her flatmate won't have her mixing after lockdown kicks in (it's her ex and his parents own the property).

So looks like a fun few weeks ahead with the only human contact being with my parents and mega stressed GCSE mock-taking DD.

nettle hope it goes ok for fil.
knot I hope you can get respite sorted.
minty sorry about tier 4. We’ve just escaped it but dds city is now tier 3 so no more coffee shops......
nota hope you’re doing ok.
We’re ok... bored with the rain and mud but doing ok. Got all veg from a fab local farm shop with proper mud and animal feeds and no queues!

FIL is home. We are going to go to him on Boxing day and cook the food he has bought for us all. I know that we are not supposed to but Id view it as a caring responsibility for a vulnerable person. we are not seeing my parents and Ive been in isolation along with my son, and only allowed out on Christmas day (when we are not going out)
He seems OK, is now quite happy with the bed downstairs, and probably just pleased to be home. DP says he seems the same just a bit weaker in his walking

hope the next few says pass as easily as possible for everyone

Sending good wishes to all here.
Just about to go to put mum to bed as carer is so busy mum said she’d put herself to bed.😮😮..... I thought it the better option than an a and e call....
🌺🌺🍷🍷all.

May I join?

I'm another person struggling in that the majority of my contact is with an 82 year old mother.

I realise this is trivial and probably brought on by lockdown boredom. But today i have felt like my mother is picking at me for no reason. I no longer have live TV and when I stopped it, my mother was convinced it was against the law in some way. She seems to - some days - have objections to anything I watch or read. Today she went on at me again about how "abnormal" it is not to watch TV news.

She's also very fussy and critical about everything e.g. Why is your sister always wearing leggings not trousers.

All her conversation is like this. It gets very wearing. I try to tune her out and then get caught out not knowing something that she told me.

If I try not to tell her anything she gets upset that I am not telling her anything, as if I meant to be a source of entertainment.

I find myself wondering how much more of a moaning minnie I can take!

Hi @AcornAutumn

It's really not trivial to struggle with the situation you describe. I'm in the same boat.

We went into Tier 4 yesterday which makes it very difficult to see my best mate who has kept me sane this year. I has an absolute breakdown when they made the announcement, even though I'd been expecting it.

You're always welcome to let off steam here.

Thank you Minty and I'm sorry for your troubles

We are Tier 4 as well, since the 19th. I really miss my best friend and she is also now in a bad state due to lockdown. Her father is ill as well. She doesn't want to talk which I totally understand.

She has said to me a couple of times "you are so lucky to have your mum". I didn't say anything but I don't feel lucky.

I think Christmas and today have made it all seem worse. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

She has said to me a couple of times "you are so lucky to have your mum". I didn't say anything but I don't feel lucky.

Yep, I totally get that. I love my mum but we are very different characters which makes our relationship hard to navigate at times.

Welcomeacorn we get it here.
Had a nice but hard work day with dm here- involving an emergency trip for spare clothes(!)
Exhausted yesterday- went to see her today and Christmas Day was hardly mentioned( no dementia) back to negativity......
Sending good wishes to everyone coping with elderlies and lockdowns...

@AcornAutumn We do understand.

When my son is at uni my conversation is with mum, MIL and the cashier in the supermarket. I would never have believed that I would miss conversation this much.

MIL is always itching for a fight, all her speech is "then I said.. then she said" and it's hard to show some interest and be her audience because I don't like her very much. I don't really want a ten minute monologue about what cousin X said about the NHS, I've never met them and have no interest in what they think about anything but I sit there and take it for as long as I can because she doesn't have many people she can talk to (although she sees more people than I do in a week).

Personally I feel much better now Christmas is over. I hadn't realised how much I was worrying about it until afterwards. I had the full dramatic performance from mum on the 23rd - I don't want to be a nuisance (sigh), I'll just stop at home with a cup a soup, I can sleep on the floor, I will book myself into a hotel (good luck with that one mum). On and on she went because I had suggested that she sleep at home and I'd pick her up in the morning and take her back at night. She was really nasty but the next day had forgotten about it. I haven't though. This was because the last time she stopped here she couldn't find the spare room (it's not Windsor Castle, I only have the one) and she was crashing around after she went to the bathroom despite nightlights everywhere I could put them. She didn't know anything about that the next morning but I'd been awake from 3am in case she fell down the stairs or something. As it happens when she stayed over Christmas she went to bed and slept through until morning and all my worries were unfounded.

Next Christmas I would like to be on a cruise/in the sun/on a beach/in a forest with no mobile signal. The common thread here is a freedom from responsibilities, tricky to wrap though.

Knot - how do you cope? I tend to shut people down if they are spoiling for a fight but I don't encounter it much, thank goodness.

With MIL? Some days I let it all wash over me, it doesn't matter what I say because she doesn't want a conversation but the chance to talk. When I've had enough I start asking questions - maybe X was not being totally unreasonable when he wouldn't come in for a cuppa, perhaps it was because he was following the guidance on covid and didn't want to put her at risk. Usually a question ends that topic because she never thought to question it herself, she just jumped to being wronged and aggrieved. I've had thirty years of dealing with her and her petty point scoring, it's difficult now to be the bigger person and put some effort into being nice to her but I do try (unless she's telling me where I have to drive her in which case I don't try very hard to be nice)

I'm finding mum difficult because it's early days in the dementia diagnosis and I still haven't grasped that we can have a real raging battle and she will have forgotten that it ever happened a couple of hours later when I'm still licking my wounds. She has no awareness of her condition or of the issues it's raised in the past. there can be no learning from mistakes made because she can't remember having made them. I know she got lost between the bathroom and the spare bedroom but for her, that never happened.

knot i think you are a very kind person

I couldnt spend the night, or vice versa, in those circumstances.

knot I salute you. I could not handle that at all.
Dmil has dementia but I didn’t spend much time with her- dh and his sister and brother did a lot for her, but she had to go into a care home because it became too much. It’s a cruel disease.
Who is supporting you? I have a lovely friend who lives around the corner so we’ve been going for walks which has kept me sane dealing with dm.
Just took dd back to her now home city to work. Will miss youth and life!
Hope everyone is doing ok.