The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

On Saturday, she was moaning at me about 3 domestic appliances having broken down since dad died and having to deal with it herself.

that's normal life! And some of us have jobs as well as dealing with that! Obvs.

I honestly wonder how dad ended up doing literally everything for her. I know he was pissed off about banking etc because he couldn't get her to take an interest. I now think he was probably pissed off about other stuff but just hid it. And it might account for his outbursts of temper in his last years.

oh and she didn't deal with it herself, I did 2 out of 3 of them.

Your DM will have no confidence dealing with that stuff if she's never done it. If she's investing in new white goods is it worth having a care plan to cover everything? Then there's only one phone number to worry about.

I used to get frustrated with my DM pressing all the wrong buttons on her television and expecting me to fix it. I realise now that she just couldn't process new information. The trouble is they would rather moan and blame everything and everyone around them than face the fact that it's them.

Cat no offence, but yes, I know she has no confidence etc.

I've done a cover plan.

I just want to know when it all ends. Will she outlive me? Or at least, will she outlive what feels like the last fun years? I know that sounds crazy, but I hear of so many people having so many health problems at quite young ages.

Factor mum out of my life, and I'm quite a happy person. There, I said it. I miss the days when dad was here, mostly because all I had to do was pop by for tea and cake every 3 weeks and not listen to endless...well, just talk. I'm an introvert who chose to be single and childfree. I am not designed for this level of human interaction.

Sorry Autumn didn't mean to state the obvious, of course you know.

I think many of us have felt as you do, we see our own active lives ebbing away as our parents slowly decline, I think you are probably in the worst phase of it right now. It won't always be like this.

Thank you Cat

Hello all. rose I hear you- I was talking to a lady at a do on Saturday who cared for her mother, who died in the June. This lady’s husband died in the same September, so all their plans of what they would do in retirement together never happened.
Step back, rose and look after yourself....

autumn watching the decline from (relative) independence to total dependence (in my DM's case) is very hard. Because you think well you used to be able to do this very simple thing, why cant you now? why do I have do do it on top of everything else? my sympathies.

In other news: Mum died on Nov 1st 2018. Today the lovely man who bought her house came round with a red bill from BT. I cancelled her service mid Jan 2019. Somehow, they managed to forget to cancel the internet bit, so its now in the hands of debt collectors. It took me a whole HOUR on the phone to finally speak to someone who could actually sort it out. Bloody hell, mum you've been dead over a year and I'm still sorting your shit out!!

yolo sorry you had to deal with that.

mum didn't do this kind of thing before. In fact, I'm realising she was the spoiled version of an adult.

sandwich yes, my two weekly visits are off this week, barring any actual crisis. I don't think I can do the daily phone call either. Really it's a "are you still alive" check but no one can say that, can they.

yolo my DF, who had lived abroad for twenty years before going into care, received a tax demand from HMRC. Except it was a year after his death. I pointed out that he had died and the estate had long since been wound up. They kindly let him off.

fleas you honestly cant make some of this stuff up... my DF died almost 24 years ago. Mum's probate was held up due to fears of money laundering!! because he had the temerity to die in a different country, the bastard!

autumn I'm glad you're taking a break - make sure you do nice stuff for yourself.

Havent seen Minty Cedric for ages, hope she’s okay.

Brief cat humour interlude

Is there a seat in here for me? I am so appreciative of the support I had on my post. I've read this entire thread and feel like crying. So much of what I have read is familiar although I think there are many of you who are in harder places than I am.

hairbrush of course, plenty of room. Have a on me.

Or a whine!

I visit DF in a care home every 3 days. And I find myself furious when DS rings up and says "I thought I'd go and see Grandad today" and I have to bite back the words "why didn't you bloody tell me earlier, then I wouldn't have gone yesterday!"

I realise now that she just couldn't process new information. The trouble is they would rather moan and blame everything and everyone around them than face the fact that it's them. Well, yeah. It's difficult to face up to the fact that you're losing your marbles. Your brain is so much of what makes YOU.

Autumn Is she a complete non-coper, who has always relied on other people? I know marriages where the roles have been segregated, so if it's the woman left behind she can't cope with finance, basic DIY, but equally the man left behind can't cope with cooking and washing and cleaning, but I'm getting the impression your mother didn't have any sphere where she was the "expert". It must be very hard to have any sympathy.

Really it's a "are you still alive" check but no one can say that, can they. Dad used to email me every day. He was quite robustly cheerful about it being an "are you still alive" check .

Meanwhile, I've discovered the latest horror of being old. I'm used to removing the usual black chin whiskers, but now I'm getting blonde hairs which would be quite unexceptional were they not 2cm long.

Mere "I visit DF in a care home every 3 days. And I find myself furious when DS rings up and says "I thought I'd go and see Grandad today" and I have to bite back the words "why didn't you bloody tell me earlier, then I wouldn't have gone yesterday!"

I can imagine. Mum's best friend is in a similar situation to mum. She has 2 daughters who visit for about 3 hours once a fortnight. To be fair, mum did tell me she would be okay with fewer visits, but after dad's death she would literally have sat in a heap if I didn't spend most of my time there.

no, she didn't have agency. She did more cooking, yes, but that's not something terribly helpful. Anything related to paperwork etc.

also, she gives off this helpless air. I was sympathetic that someone had to learn stuff at a late age but I have completely run out now.

I think you mentioned before that parents are reassured if they know when the next visit is. It sounds selfish but that's almost the bit - having to set a date, and if you wake up on that day feeling super tired etc, that's a 2hour one way journey I have to do.

So I have to tell her I need more flexibility.

yesterday, when I had a go and cried on the phone, she gave me the example "you didn't have to sort out the washing machine, I would have done it". But she asked me to sort out the washing machine.

she has no recollection of having asked for the help though probably.

PS Mere, in terms of your son visiting, I guess that he too, wants that flexibility. I guess we all want it.

also, I don't know why, but I can't get mum to understand that she can do what she likes with dad's stuff and I just want her to shut up about it. It's constant "can't you give this to your friend" - I don't know why she doesn't feel okay about giving it to charity, and when I meet friends I don't want to say "here's another reminder of dad".

I know she is trying to clear the house so I have a smaller job when she goes, but I can't help thinking I'll have to get house clearance in anyway, so what does it matter? I don't want to upset her by saying "I don't care where this goes" or "why are you asking me, do what you like".

It's like she never made a decision alone in her life. They met at uni so she hasn't, I suppose.

Welcome hairbrush
I certainly find with dm now she is a bit more mobile and I can step back for now from some hands on stuff, our relationship is better and she appreciates me more. I can do more of the treat stuff, not the grind.
And her knowing when she will see me helps- and gives me a bit of freedom.
autumn you sound so frazzled- and a two hour hoik each way is a long trip😮. Protect yourself.

sandwich I think of the issues with being based in and around London is that those trips are so normal, even for a commute.

30 minutes is the walk from my place to the station, then the walk from the station to mum's. The latter is a lovely walk.

it can come in about 1hr 45 if you're lucky with connecting Tubes. I think there's a perception - also amongst friends who get annoyed with me because I don't like trekking all over the place with them - that all you've got to do is sit, while I find it stressful and get complete sensory overload.

I'm not going tomorrow. I've spoken to mum today and she sounded careful but cheerful - so trying not to upset me and indicate that she's all right with everything. I said I wasn't sure if I'd call tomorrow. She doesn't like to text but it would help me if she did - could confirm she's alive so to speak!

Yes AutumnRose I really wish my mum could/would text, I'd love to be able to send and receive little informal messages through the day. She never got the hang of it even when her hands worked properly, I used to get messages saying 'bbb' or 'e', or any random collection of letters.

maddy mum can send a short text but she’d be upset if I asked her to do that most days. She’d wonder why I didn’t want to talk to her. I just can’t cope with the mournful tone. Or the long story of “what happened in the post office”, which will be...nothing.

PS Mere, in terms of your son visiting, I guess that he too, wants that flexibility. yeah, that's why I bite back any impatient response autumn you sound much more generous of your time than I am.

I should be going today according to my schedule, and then on Saturday. But I think (based on his habits) that DS is likely to go on Sunday, and I have to go on Monday to pay the chiropodist, so I decided in bed last night that I'd go tomorrow instead, and suddenly today seems a lot less frazzled. It's a slightly long wait for him, but he'll then get visits both on Sunday and on Monday.

autumn I think you are being incredibly kind and patient with your mum, have some from me and remember to look after yourself.

I think in some ways it is a mistake to set up a very strict routine of visits. I fell into the trap, popped around to mum's at least 6 days out of 7. Then when I couldnt go for whatever reason she would say "oh but I'll miss seeing you so much". Thing is, it was easy for me to visit - she lived a 2 minute walk round the corner, and if I timed it right I'd have a glass of wine and listen to her moaning (she didnt always moan!) and then bugger off home. Those of you like autumn and dint who have to plan to do it, its much harder.

yolo and Mere thank you so much.

I have been feeling so guilty but I just can't do it any more. Have to try and drop back to once every ten days or something. Or less.

I think - maybe - when you have a long journey, it's even worse when you just have endless moaning at the end of it. Then you have the journey home!

To be fair, there are a lot of things getting on my nerves at the moment. Even just running errands in my horribly overcrowded part of outer London today - ugh. So I'm going to sit down and have a think about doing basics like getting food deliveries regularly. I normally go to Aldi and buy the Magic Roast Chicken, so it's going to be a shock, but I have to think of ways to preserve my sanity right now and it might involve spending a wee bit more!

hope everyone is coping all right