The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Autumn I don't know how you manage it, a long journey and a moan, and another long journey home..

I normally stay the night because going to work is quicker from there

plus by the time I've eaten dinner, I can just plonk her in front of the TV!

yup, it's the child I never wanted to have.

Okay, end of rant. I've just arranged an Ocado Pass so that saves one chore. Also about to attack the flat for proper cleaning - it's my day off but I was too grumpy to go to mum's!

going to try and make a routine for myself and my leisure activities - none of which I've structured properly since dad fell ill - and then see where mum fits in around it.

rose that sounds a really good plan, to structure your life around what fuels you and you want to do. Get some reserves in your tank.
It will then be easier to deal with your dm. And she may well surprise you with what she can accomplish.
Even my 90 plus year old dm surprises me sometimes when she does stuff.gives her a sense of achievement.

autumn You are doing so much! My journey is a 5 minute drive. And when he was living at home it was a 10 min walk. But even so, a two hour visit seems to take a big chunk from my day.

I had what used to be termed a "nervous breakdown" 20 years ago, but the enforced idleness left me able to take stock of my life in the way you're proposing to do - look at what I spent time on, and what value it gave me - it was one of the most useful things I've ever done. And, yes, it may mean you spend more money in order to buy time and sanity. One of my decisions was never to make a pair of curtains again

Mere thank you. Most people see it as a normal commute. None of my friends have batted an eyelid at this. I’ve definitely set expectations too high among mum”’s friend I think, or should I say family friends. I’m not sure, some of them I like and some of them I don’t.

I’m working part time, not full time.

I asked mum yesterday to text me today as I’ve a slightly longer shift. She took it okay but did say “don’t panic if you don’t hear, it just means I’ve stuffed up the text”.

Autumn I'm retired. Even so, I'm finding it hard to find time for everything. (But I do do voluntary work, and I'm determined not to stop that - It's much easier to keep a social network going them it is to build one from scratch, especially if you're pushing 80 with all the health problems that entails, and my father could easily have 10 years in him, especially with his strong force for life). So never, ever, feel you're not pulling your weight!

We have a problem, being the earliest generation where women were expected to have careers. You're younger than me, but when I started work, it was very normal for women to give up work when they had children, at least until the youngest child was at school. So the mindset is still there in your mum's friends that it's the daughter's "duty" to look after parents because, after all, her job was really only something to keep her occupied while she had time on her hands.

I bet your DM has an old fashioned non smart phone Autumn, they are hopeless for texting. Any chance she might use an iPad? They are so easy even for the most technophobic, and especially for elderly eyes and fingers.

I have had a classic moment with my mum and if I don't laugh I will scream! She has a zimmer frame provided by OT with a bucket and tray so she can carry stuff from room to room (hollow laughter) but she isn't using it, she isn't walking. The frame needs to be moved so she can see the tv or she can see who is sitting on the sofa or so she can see the armchair (you get the picture) and it has so much stuff on it that it is a major palaver to move it.

So I asked her at lunch time whether she needed it at the moment. She flared up straight away

"Of course I do! I use it every day!"

"What for mum?"
"To take myself to bed."
"You don't though? I push you!"
"Huh! You're hardly ever around when I go to bed!"

I am there EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I just hope that the social worker doesn't think I am lying when she talks to her.

Hairbrush I don’t know how you cope!

Re smart phone, no, but I’m not going to encourage her to get one because I don’t think it’ll be any better and she’ll just drive me mad asking questions about it.

She didn’t manage to text so of course phoned while I was at work.

Annoying.

I still feel very ragey about it all. Irrational, I know.

I kept a daily journal when I was caring for my DF and then my DM. I found it the other day. If I didn't know it was me writing it, I wouldn't believe the stuff in it.

When I feel guilty about the things I didn't do, it will be a useful reminder of the things I did, and under what circumstances. I recommend it.

@AutumnRose1 I don't know how anyone copes. Every one here seems to have it worse than me.

@Myimaginarycathasfleas That is such a good idea. I think I might starting to write down these incidents. It might help to show a pattern and I can show the social worker.

fleas I pretty much used these threads as my diary and my way of coping. And also to compile the complaint we put into the hospital - which reminds me I need to chase them up again tomorrow as have heard nothing since a vague 'we'll get back to you' on Jan 3rd - meeting was on Dec 6th.

I submitted 11 pages of notes, purely factual, and reading them back now makes me wonder how I was still standing at the end of it all. (And chuck in the other life stuff too).

I dont know how any of us do it, but I am pretty sure we are all doing the best we can at any given stage, and really that's all anyone could expect or hope for.

So true, yolo.

I'm probably ahead of a lot of people on this thread because as of a few weeks ago I'm parentless. I'm having to deal with the what ifs and why didn't I's at this stage, as well as the massive gap in my life that used to be taken up by visiting or keeping on top of her admin. But we can only do what we can do.

The most hopeful thing I can offer to others is that once my DM went into care and was someone else's responsibility, I found myself able to love her. All the other crap just melted away.

Mere "We have a problem, being the earliest generation where women were expected to have careers."

In real life, most of the people I know who are dealing with the real nitty gritty of caring are men. One has said to me bluntly that he copes with it because his brain doesn't really engage with it, but even then, I don't know how he copes. He says it's because if it's his mum isn't in the mood for doing or watching anything, he will happily just watch TV while she sits doing nowt, I can't do that.

Mum would love it if I could, because she's used to having "company" in that way - but I can't do it. If there's nothing to do, I just think "why I am here, I want to go home".

I think I'm also extra resentful at the mo because I'm 44 next week and since my early teens, I was told not to expect to have parents much longer. Yes, I only have 1, but the 1 has turned out to be a surprisingly big burden. I thought I'd be free of "people obligation" by 40.

fleas being parentless is quite odd really. In one way, if you've had to do the caring stuff it is a relief, emotionally, mentally, physically. But in another way you're suddenly an orphan (even though I'm 58!!).

I love that when she went into care you could go back to loving her, I actually think that's a good position to be in when she passed. I didnt see mum for 3 weeks before she died - she was so demented, DH was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, it was a terrible time - and we didnt even know she was dying. If we'd known I'd have put everything else to one side and just sat with her regardless of the personal cost.

autumn I think you're like me, a 'do-er'. I cant sit still either, or if I can its at home!

Yolo I'm the laziest lump imaginable. I just hate sitting at mum's.

it's particularly miserable in winter as she won't turn on lights and the place is either boiling hot or freezing cold.

"If we'd known I'd have put everything else to one side and just sat with her regardless of the personal cost."

I'm really sorry about how this happened, you might recall I was sitting with dad (under a different name at that time) at the same time. FWIW, I now think it made things worse for him and for me and he'd have been able to let go sooner without mum and I being there.

one thing I do think is that at least I will never again be in a position where I've got one parent in hospital and have to look after the other parent when not in the bloody hospital.

One of my friends said to me "I get on much better with my dad now he's dead". I didn't quite know to respond to that, though I sort of get it.

sorry I'm thinking aloud....

perhaps my next step is to feign incompetence. It is going to confuse her. But one of the issues is getting rid of the moutain of shite dad accumulated. I would actually rather everything just went in a skip when mum either leaves the house or leaves the world, but because she wanted to sort it bit by bit, I said I'd help.

now, in proportional terms, I think we've cleared about 2 soup bowls out of a North Sea, I might start saying "I don't know what to do with this".

She gets very worked up about some of it going to charity, and goes through every tiny note he left in case it's important when it's literally a calculation of what he needed to pay back a car loan in 1963.

from now on she needs to do this alone.

tbh I liked chucking stuff out as to me it's chucking out a past that belongs to someone else, but of course she thinks, in the pile of crap, there might be something that means something to her. There might.

but if I keep looking at it, I'm going to lose my mind.

oh god autumn I cant stand being at my PIL becuase it is always bloody tropical and I just sweat and melt...

"I get on so much better with my dad now he's dead" that's quite odd, I wouldnt know how to respond to that either.

I think your dad would have known you were there, I dont think you need to worry whether it made things worse - you clearly both loved each other very much.

yolo "I think your dad would have known you were there, I dont think you need to worry whether it made things worse - you clearly both loved each other very much."

um, no and no! Bless him, but he wouldn't mind me telling the truth. There's loving a parent and there's REALLY loving a parent, do you know what I mean?

Good bloke - but er, no, certainly not the loss some people have.

Thought I'd reconnect, although I have limited time to post these days, because people have been very kind to me on here and I wanted to update. Those who have read my posts in the past may recall that my parents lived with me and DH. Sadly my dad passed at the end of August, of multiple organ failure. We are all sort-of coping and I'm giving my mum as much support as I can but my fears that she may have dementia are increasing and she is in total denial about it, either cries or turns nasty if the subject of her extremely unreliable memory is ever broached, however gently. No rest for the wicked, huh. wry smile

bringinsexyback - sorry to hear that.

IIRC your father was a delight and will be much missed.

But your mother is not an easy person to deal with it, have I remembered correctly?

bring good to see you... sorry you are going through this.
yolo you did what you could with what you knew- and how is dh now?
rose I understand what you are saying- and you do need to step back and protect yourself.
Your dm is working things through.... she’s ok so let her get on with stuff.

She didn’t manage to text so of course phoned while I was at work. "Mum - if I'm at work I won't be able to reply, and if I'm at home I may not hear my phone, but I can always tell who has rung me, so as long as I see that you've phoned, I'll know you're OK".

hairbrush I've kept a diary since 2017, major events in 2017-18, daily since Jan 2019, and it has been invaluable for talking to medics and carers, applying for attendance allowance. I summarise every meeting with Dad, and and every interaction with carers and GPs.

autumn I'm nearly 70! Don't panic - I think you'll be free well before then. Happy birthday for next week

Mere oh yes, I didn’t answer and she didn’t expect it, I just had so much rage yesterday!

Thank you re the birthday.

I’m currently hiding upstairs whilst my DM have a pointless argument about tax returns for... next year