The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Evening all.... hope everyone is as ok as possible.
V quiet here!

Quiet is good - on this board at least!

Is yolofish still on mn ? Haven't seen her name on any posts for awhile, or perhaps just a name change.

I am enjoying the return of the relatives. It's been a one Knitter production for the last millennium or however long it's actually been but relatives have made an appearance this week for which I was genuinely thankful.

Still all OK here. Just had long chat with GP over my dad's problems which I've described elsewhere, which was encouraging in the circumstances. DS1 has had the to-be-expected "we're thinking about redundancies" letter. Otherwise, with a shielding DH, life hasn't changed a lot - we'll certainly not be heading to the pub this weekend!

I had an actual conversation with people I'm not related to yesterday, it was lovely. It was just a pity that it was with an ambulance crew. DM appears to have not done as much damage as I first thought but we've no idea what she's fallen over. The difficulties in taking two paracetamol every four hours is really throwing a spotlight on her cognitive decline. She can do the things she can do but ask her to do anything new and it's futile.

knota so sorry to hear about your dm. Hope the reappearing rellies are more help than purely ornamental.look after yourself.
mere sort to hear about your ds. Really tough times for so many. Fingers crossed.
All ok so far here... got dm out briefly which poleaxed her. Now that she almost can, she’s not really up to it.....

I've been doing DM's back garden for years now (she was a keen gardener in her time, whereas I am a rank amateur). She was very proud of a large Rosemary she had near some steps, and would often talk about it. It's now dead. I have dragged it's corpse to a corner of the garden that she can't see from the house, and now of course she has noticed that she can no longer see it. If I fess up, she will add it to the list of things that I Do Wrong. There is another Rosemary in another part of the garden that I might misdirect her to.

Lovely lady mobile hairdresser is due on Tuesday. DM doesn't like having her hair cut in the house, says it's unhygienic. I have no idea how it will play out. Garden shears may be involved if she refuses the hairdresser.

Surely as you shed hair all the time it's no less hygenic having it cut then having it fall out naturally?

I would blame the rosemary's decline on the wet spring, they prefer it hot and dry. I had one that had thrived on neglect for thirty years and the moment I put it in a new pot with better soil it died.

I've just had 2 weeks off work. It's been a very strange fortnight all round.
FIL had holiday booked for early June. Obviously it didn't happen and he is having problems getting his money back. He paid 100% on booking by debit card. DH keeps telling him to phone his bank to see if they can do a charge back but he has an endless list of reasons why he can't. DH suggested he phone while he was there but apparently be needed to make a cup of tea for MIL so couldn't right then.
DS2 was due to marry mid June and emigrate to Finland today. Last Thursday we finally got confirmation they could marry 2 days ago so I had to turn florist and make the bouquet and buttonholes. There were just OH and I as witnesses and post ceremony activities included a trip to the dump! At least he can wave a marriage certificate to prove he is family of a returning Finn and not years of tenancy agreements and bank statements.
DF has been poorly. He is 93 with arthritis and osteoporosis that cause constant pain. The pain was severe with extra swelling and he could only get a phone appointment with his GP who adjusted his anti inflammatory drugs. Except the problem was a UTI that has triggered septic arthritis. He ended up in hospital overnight and came home with serious antibiotics. They don't seem to be having much effect and he has been back and got even more antibiotics. DM is struggling even more since lockdown with memory and understanding change . So we ended up last week with an early morning conversation that went "the hospital have said your dad has sepsis" (cue major panic, thankfully she got it wrong) while insisting she hasn't managed to speak to anyone at the hospital. Yesterday she was in a bad mood because he didn't rush to help her put away the shopping (milk, bread and biscuits).
I shall be glad to get back to work.

Hello all.
country that all sounds really hard. Hope he is on the mend.
nota and knot hope things are as ok as possible- and mere how is your df?
All calmish here... hoping to get dm out to a garden centre tomorrow.... a very small v open airish one.....

Hello sandwich Thanks for asking. My df has survived Covid - after two positive tests back in May with no symptoms apart from fatigue and loss of appetite, he has now been declared clear. But now they're worried about his anaemia which has sunk to a new low and could be indicative of all sorts of things. But they've taken on board that he wants to see his 100th birthday, and they're doing tests to see what is going on. He's agreed to take iron tablets, and I had a coherent phone conversation with him a couple of days ago, which was lovely!

dint that’s so good to hear- you must feel relieved although anaemia must be a worry. So glad you had a good conversation with him. He sounds amazing.
cockroach all..... yolo where are you mate?

dint it's good to hear that he offically has the all clear and it's really good to hear that he managed a phone conversation. I hope they sort out the anaemia, a run of good news would be lovely.

I'm back with more tales of the brothers Grimm. So the day before yesterday the sale of the first of my mother's properties finally went through after more than a year on the market and the death of her husband and her move to a care home. The sale was completed on wednesday. I got a text from one of the brothers yesterday saying he was going to take the fridge and dishwasher and he still has keys.
The flat was sold as seen, (the Grimms had tried to charge extra for the white goods but the buyers did not want to pay for them. Grimms have had a year to remove them.
I replied to the text saying flat was sold yesterday, please return keys to the estate agent immediately. I received a torrent of abuse telling me they have the right to enter and take the goods and I need to contact my solicitor. Jeysus these men don't get it do they? They cannot just let themselves in surely?
Solicitor says "leave them to it, you have discharged your duty". I'm actually just a bit bemused at their sense of entitlement that they think they can waltz into someone else's home and take stuff.
It does not bode well for selling the other place which is not selling because it's overpriced. I just want these twats out of mine and my mother's lives.

Plus ca change.

(For those wondering who the bros Grimm are... they are the grown up sons of my mums deceased husband- no relation to me).

Hello nora ! The grimms are the gift that keeps on giving, aren’t they?
Leave it to the solicitors... and hope you get it sorted.
How are you? And your dm?

Good to see some familiar faces posting here again.

Dint how far off is your DF's 100th? I was just looking at the piece on the BBC about Sir Tom Moore's knighthood. Beggers belief for me that some people are still totally with it at that age.

I don't think that @yolofish is around anymore Sandwich. I tried to message her but her account seemed to be turned off. Although I guess she could have blocked me. I hope she and her family are well.

DM has now forgotten she has had her hair cut. So we are back to her accusing me of not being prepared to help her get it cut, etc. The mind is a strange thing.

Hi sandwich yup, like herpes they are and I know which I'd rather have. (I have both by the way).

Mum is fatter, a bit bewildered by the lockdown but really pretty ok all things considering. Me too really, apart from the Grimms.

Hello.
I'm hoping for some advice from you knowledgeable lot and hopefully if I'm in the wrong place you can tell me and point me in the right direction?...
I'll REALLY try and keep this brief;
Mum is now 74.
Widowed 7 years ago when we lost my lovely dad very suddenly.
It's - honestly - been like something from a bad soap opera since..
Mum has had multiple hospital admissions for MIs, cardiomyopathy, Unstable angina, PVD, copd and severe osteoporosis.
ALL the above ^ have been diagnosed since dad died. At its worst she was being admitted weekly for 1/2 nights for about 4 months.
Also since then we have lost 16 other family members and both my youngest son and I have had emergency surgeries.
So. A lot has been going on.
My siblings are useless - my sister is a self involved bitch and my brother is a typical golden child who can do no wrong.
I'm the eldest.
Dad had a death in service payment so mum was able to buy her council home.
She'd have been mad not to, really, and it was before her health really took a turn for the worst.
You can probably guess where I'm going?...
The past year and now especially due to lockdown her mobility has worsened significantly.
(She has a blue badge for mobility reasons)
She had an odd period of falling weekly some months ago but that seems to have stopped.
The house is a small terraced one with curving, steep, narrow stairs and wc and bathroom downstairs.
Its what I'd call a 3 up 3 down.
It's just not safe for her anymore. She only has her pension and a small works pension from my late dad to live on and moving bathrooms upstairs etc is far too costly.
She is really scared of things like stair lifts and scooters an refuses a commode point blank.
So, on the advoce of her dr and parish councillor I applied for housing based on medical need for her. I.e: ground level.
Because she will have equity from the house sale and despite her being assessed as high priority medical need she is only eligible for supported housing. Not much of that about!
She would be happy to privately rent but nothing locally for rent thats suitable (i.e: ground level)
I'm trying to be supportive but I'm just really tired. No point asking siblings to help so it's on me. Again.
She is really keen to move as the area "has changed". Well, if you live somewhere for nearly 50 years that will happen!
The council are a NIGHTMARE to deal with and them remote working due to covid-19 has made it even worse.
The website was down for days which complicated matters further.
I'm not sure what I'm asking other than have any of you been in a similar situation and did it work out OK?
Mum is unhappy and unsafe and I don't know what else I can do?
She manages OK most of the time if we can keep her out of hospital.
Its the steps, stairs and bath that are the main problems.
Do we move her to a private rental thats just as unsuitable as her current home?
My brain is just fried with it all.
Any advice gratefully recieved x

If she is keen to move, then maybe look at options including independent living facilities further afield from where she is now?

Has she (you) applied for Attendance Allowance? It's not means tested and may go towards looking after her while she is in her own home.

Also DM has a fall alert pendant which she wears sporadically.

I would say that as you are the sibling that 'does', and you are only 7 years into this, my advice to you is it's worth thinking about what you need in this as well, and doing what you can to not necessarily be everything to her that she wants. I outsource some of the gardening, and pay for a carer visit each day with the AA. I wish I had arranged a cleaner before now, but thought I could do it. Mistake.

Thank you.
I'll look into AA

Great advice from nota it is worth ordering a forms by pos5 as they are datestamped and if a
Proved will be from that date- worth £300 in our case. Seek help from age uk carers uk or cab to complete- using the right words, and describing things at their worst is important.

I've had a look at the forms...tbh I don't think she'd qualify?

Her only real issues are mobility related. She's pretty independant other than that...I order her meds but don't give them. I take her places but she can walk a small distance.

Its worth noting for the future though. Her females siblings all live/lived to late 80s early 90s even with major health issues so I'm trying to future proof her a bit! :)

One of her sisters sadly got covid-19...family got "the call"...she recovered at age 90!

My main worry is she moves, then regrets it and I get the blame but I've found a private rental that has an upstairs bathroom which would help.

Dint how far off is your DF's 100th? Two and a half years or thereabouts. I saw him yesterday! I went to deliver something, and the nurse on duty told me to come round to his window, and we had a short conversation through the window. He doesn't seem much different.

I tried to message her but her account seemed to be turned off. Although I guess she could have blocked me. "Sorry we can't deliver your message as that poster is unable to receive PMs at the moment".

yoikes have another think about AA. THink about all the things that she has found work-arounds for - these are still needs "a need that is met is still a need". You probably won't get the nighttime allowance, but you should try for the daytime.

Is there any way of re-arranging the house so she can sleep downstairs?

Not really...
Small terraced house only 1 living room downstairs which could fit a bed but then not a sofa iyswim?

Ideally if she'd had enough money we could have extended the downstairs but then she'd have been living in half her house.

I think also that the area has changed so much (naturally) she doesn't feel happy there anymore.

Its hard to pick through her feelings at times.

I'll print the AA form off, thank you for all your help.

I am rather alone with it all.