The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Saw you asked for yolofish, sadly I think she changed to another site with the royal penguins.

only 1 living room downstairs which could fit a bed but then not a sofa iyswim? But that's what you may need to do in the short term.

I think she changed to another site Are we thinking of the site with a similar name to this one but the other way round?

I don't know which site, just that several of the penguins relocated. My guess would be the new site for 'mums (that) chat'.

I'm really struggling with the juggling of everything, and the relentless days of lockdown which are blurring into each other (I've been working from home since March which is one of the issues).

DM's gardener has been flaky, he took the work on knowing that it was an hour a fortnight maintenance, but more often than not I've had to chase him. He has now said he doesn't want the work anymore as the little jobs aren't worth it. He hasn't been for months now and it's clear I'm fighting a losing battle doing the front and back gardens and need to find a replacement.

DD was shocked at how unclean DM's house was when she went a few weeks ago, I said I would pay her to take on the cleaning, which she agreed, but hasn't delivered on.

This is all low level stuff I know, I'm just having a pity party at juggling my own work/home/garden with DM's home/garden.

nota sending 🌺🌺 and ☕️☕️☕️🍫🍫🧁🧁 to you.
It sounds relentless and dealing with flakey folk does not help at all.
It is things like the garden and cleaning that runs amok.....
can you get a few hours off to do something nice for you?
Advertise on local fb for gardener/ cleaner? Do your age uk offer anything?
Sending sympathy and cockroaches.

Not For me it's that there is no end in sight, it's dragging on week after week. I would give your daughter one chance to get going and then look for a cleaner using my tried and tested method of ask the neighbours. If you're going to spend time chasing it being done then there's no saving over doing it yourself, it's still in your head all the time. The local free paper is full of gardeners wanting work "no job too small" and it looks like there you've no option other than to change and hope that you get a more reliable one. If you can get someone who is already in the area once a fortnight then they don't have the travel time/costs of just coming for an hour.

I asked for recommendations on our local FB group, and was inundated with gardeners looking for work. I've picked one (a woman) who I am going to meet tomorrow and introduce to the garden. Fingers crossed.

It's having to deal with the emotional load of it all - juggling lots of things, some of which are fragile, so all it takes is to drop one egg and the whole lot falls.

Update on the Brothers Grimm. I have instructed a solicitor today to write to tell them they are expressly forbidden by the court of protection in getting involved in the sale of my mother and her husband's final property (it makes it sound like they were hugely wealthy- they were not, they just made poor decisions towards the end and did not sell their property before buying the tiny flat they moved into when mum was not allowed to drive any longer).

They are going to be so happy. But it has come to this because of thier horrible behaviour and I have a slight case of shadenfraude coming on.

The estate agent said "whoop" when I told her and even the conveyancing solicitor is pleased that they will be out of the loop.

A bit of me wants to tell them myself that they need to let me get on with the sale and that the price is coming down but I cannot cope with the wrath and the stress it would give me so I will do it the cold way and know that this is the right thing to protect my mother and me.

On a lighter note, my mother and I were moved to tears the other day on my visit in her resi home garden, a cousin sent me a recording of my father from 50 years ago in Dublin which I shared with my mum. Dad was making a speech at his father's retirement and 65th birthday party. Neither of us had heard his voice for more than 20 years and we both had a little weep. Both of us had forgotten quite how strong his Irish accent was and to begin with we wondered if it was him. Then he let slip a few words that we both knew could only be my dad, his pronounciation of the word throat (quite why he was making a speech about throats I will never understand) pronounced "trowth" and "berday" for birthday were words we both instantly recognised and the rest was then clearly him. He told his father that although they had had hard times growing up and lacked money they had never lacked love and that his father would never lack gratitude from his children. Lovely words.

Do you vipers want to hear how the solicitors letter is recieved? I will want to share it somewhere and I am prepared for a torrent of abuse from them but I feel safe behind the knowledge that I am in the right.

nota hope the gardener works out. Am just doing the same for dm’s Cleaner- after old one didn't want to return after lockdown eased...new one starting next week who has given me a gardener number- see how the cleaning is first 😉.
nora that’s brilliant news and YES we need to know how it goes down!!!!
knot how’s things?

nora me, too. What a gift with the recording.

I said it was dragging on with no end in sight then the next day a letter came with an appointment with whichever bit of the NHS it is that runs the memory clinic. I now have something to aim for, I just have to keep the cart on the rails until then. I know that I'm kidding myself and there will be no magic solution then but I feel that things are moving now and something is going to happen.

knot I hope they can help, hang on. At least there is a step in sight.
nora meant to say how wonderful to hear his voice again🌺🌺

Do you vipers want to hear how the solicitors letter is recieved? Yes, of course we do! Need you ask?

Knot you have to do whatever you need - get yourself as far as the appointment, and don't worry at all about what happens next.

May I join you?
I’ve just lost my lovely 82 year old dad. My Mum is also 82 and understandably devastated. She used to be on top of everything and was very fit but in the last year had relied increasingly on dad to advocate for her (she’s very deaf). We’re just feeling our way at the moment but Dad used to do all the financial stuff etc so it’s a whole new ball game for us. I don’t know how much support she’s going to need or how well she’ll cope on her own.

Sorry to your mum and you for your loss.

Sorry for your loss best . Ask anything.... no question daft. Take care.

I am sorry Best. Dad used to do everything, mum had never changed a light bulb or put petrol in the car. Ever. The first few months were finding out about what she didn't know how to do or couldn't do due to disability. She got all her bills on direct debit so she didn't have to worry about missing one, as time has gone on and she's become more forgetful that turned out to be one of her better decisions.

One day at a time - that's all you have to think about.

Thank you all. I and my brother live just 5 minutes away from her so we are on hand and can call in every day but I do worry about her falling and not being able to get help. She gave up driving a year ago so has lost independence that way too.

Know it’s really eArly days best but has she had an ot assessment for pendant alarm/ grab rails etc? Can be really helpful. Or local falls team if you are worried.
Will give you more peace of mind🌺🌺

She did have an appointment with the Falls clinic at the end of last year but of course Dad was around then and went with her so I don’t know what was said. I do think a pendant would be a good idea. Do I need to contact the GP to start things rolling with this?

They have had rails fitted on the stairs and by the step by the back door but we moved the bedroom downstairs recently for Dad so she shouldn’t need to go upstairs.

Depending where you live community transport might be an option, it's not always a minibus, sometimes it's a volunteer with a car.

Mum never wanted to leave the house again, not without dad. I wish I'd put more effort into getting her out of the house and meeting people because then she'd have friends now. Lunch club, chair exercise club, church, sewing group, reading group - it doesn't matter what it is as long as it involves people. One day we'll be back to that again.

best have a look at the county council website social care- that should tell you about providers. Adult social services often have helplines for advice.
Pendant alarms give huge peace of mind.
Totally agree about trying to get oldies out and involved.... failed with dm when she moved 15 years ago. Still only goes out with me.

Yes, of course, it was Social Services who fitted the handrails thinking about it. I will give them a call in the next week or so. I’ve also filled in the Attendance Allowance form. DF was getting it as he needed help getting dressed - they see to do so much for each other.

DM does have a lot of good friends but of course many of them are shielding and we’re in Wales where many things haven’t opened up. She is also very deaf so struggles to talk to them on the phone.

best have you got Power of Attorney for you mum? If she needs lots of help with paperwork it is probably a good idea and it is always good to know that you can step in if she starts to falter.

Mxflamingnoravera No I don’t have POA at the moment but we have discussed it and she agrees it’s a good idea - I’ll add it to the list Of things to sort.