The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

V perceptive dint
Glad you feel better rose I was at for a few hours yesterday which was plenty.......hope you canine ways to look after yourself there.
All ok here- reluctant dd back from uni but so far so good- like yolo we have space to escape and a long list of projects to tackle.

I’m working from home (more hours than usual) supervising staff remotely seems to take longer and as a charity am very concerned about the vulnerable in our local community so actually planning on increasing our services
DM 81 birthday today she has Alzheimer’s x I can’t visit - lost my Dad just before Xmas so still feeling life will never be the same
Fed up seeing people out and about partying treating this like a big joke or holiday
I don’t want to see pictures of you sunbathing in the park

DF locked up in his home, but seems cheerful and more coherent than for a long time. Has been asking me details of what's happening on the outside.

We're in the "elderly household" group so are hunkered up at home. Lucky to have a good garden.

DS2 and fiancée working from home, have divided the kitchen table between them. DS1 has been laid off (too early so no 80% salary) and is now shelf-stacking. Luckily we've not had to sell the house DF was living in, so DS1 has moved in there - only problem is no washing machine, so we're having to leave the cellar door open for him to dump his clothes in the machine once a week. Really hope that he doesn't get told it's not an "essential" journey. I may have had several years doing all washing by hand, but it'll come as a big shock to him.

Fed up seeing people out and about partying treating this like a big joke or holiday I wonder if for some people it's a coping mechanism? Difficult to live with if you look at the full horror of the situation.

Jace good to see you, sorry you’re having such a hard time.

Mere did your dad wash laundry by hand for years? Laundrettes are open.

I hope they police this sensibly. The viral load of him coming to you vs the viral load of going to a laundrette?

autumn No, I did his laundry for him. THough a friend of his, approaching 90 in the 1990s, was still washing sheets by hand in the sink, out of preference. Could never understand it. I had a few years living in a house with no hot water and electricity sufficient only for lighting, and I must admit I washed be hand in preference to spending half my life sitting in a laundrette, but nothing would make me choose hand washing over a machine in my house.

Nearest laundrettes are at least 5 miles away, one in the next town, others in student-land. We're only 1/4 mile away. Our washing machine is in the cellar, which has its own door to the outside, so I leave that door open, and the door to the machine, he shoves the load in, and I come down when he's gone, close the door and set the wash running. I reckon that's a lot safer than going to the laundrette.

Anyway, he's now been given a "key worker" letter. With all these letters being issued, I reckon even firmer policing is on its way.

Mere I would definitely choose the launderette! Which I had to do for a while in some crappy rented places.

good that he has his letter, though I'd have thought if he was stopped and asked for an explanation, it would be far preferable to go to another house than a launderette.

If you don't mind me asking, is anyone in the house in the 1.5 million "special letter" group?

something I found out when I thought I'd be with mum for lockdown - she basically eats a dinner of boiled rice and veg every night.

Having previously told me her weight loss was a mystery because she eats her usual diet, she has now said that actually she can't eat what she and I have been eating for dinner - mainly veggie - every day.

Dinner is her main meal of the day and it's probably got about 300 cals in it! AFAIC she's an adult and she can eat what she likes, but she should have refused medical investigations on her weight loss. Perhaps she wanted something else to worry about, or wanted the attention? She had some pretty outlandish ideas of what was causing her weight loss. Almost as if she wanted to create a different crisis to distract from the issues around dad's death.

dint Glad your dad is doing ok- your laundry solution sounds sensible.
rose I wonder if your mum based cooking on catering for your dad and has struggled to get used to looking after herself? Old fashioned ideas about feeding the man of the house? Feeling undeserving?
Before dm had lunch/ tea carers she was simply not bothering much- now she is eating more and getting used to eating more- loads of cake etc but she was wasting away....
Just seen dm- cabin fever setting in a bit but the change in the weather means she’s not chomping at the bit quite as much, just giving me a list of non essential tasks like paying money into the building society....
“ will you be going into town? “ NO!!

re the oldies and food - my DM just effectively wasted away, despite being told to eat cream, and cheese, and cakes and biscuits... she did eat that stuff, but it was like she'd kind of decided eating wasnt worth it a good few months before her final fall/onset of death.

Sorry, that sounds really grim, I think at that stage she'd lost the appetite for food and for life really.

Yolo and sandwich

It’s complicated

She was losing weight before dad died but was just the right side of the line, though now underweight

She does talk a lot about wanting to remain in good health, I’m pleased to say she has cake daily 😂 but there’s a complex connection, I think. Like she now has a fear of ill health and eats just enough but has to force herself a bit.

My best friend’s mum has always been underweight and now at 72 is just getting smaller and smaller, which in turns makes us wonder if some people just do that. My dad spent years of his life eating one meal a day!!

I know mum hates eating alone. She’s been better about taking an interest in her friends etc, such a pity this has now been forcefully ended. Her phone rings loads though, which is good.

The cabin fever thing must be difficult, sandwich.

If you don't mind me asking, is anyone in the house in the 1.5 million "special letter" group? Yes, though we haven't a clue why, we think it must be a mistake. >75 with what we'd always considered mild asthma.

Why do you say you'd definitely choose the launderette? Was that in our current context, or was it response to me saying I used to wash sheets by hand (with water boiled in a kettle) rather than go to the launderette?

she basically eats a dinner of boiled rice and veg every night. My Dad used to take half a Morrisons minced beef and onion pie, two tinned potatoes, a spoonful each of tinned carrots, beans and butter beans and heat it up in the microwave. He'd follow it up with two slices of canned peach and some canned custard. Before he turned to the microwave and was heating it on the hob, he would take the water he'd boiled the veg in and drink it as "soup", and be very proud that he was "cooking himself a three course meal". He resisted all attempts to widen his diet, and got very stroppy when I tried making meals for him.

Maybe your Mum genuinely didn't understand she wasn't eating enough? My father didn't. Sense of taste is dulled as you get older, and if food isn't appetising you lose appetite. So if you're not hungry when you've finished your meal, you will feel you're eating enough, and be mystified about your weight loss. And throw yourself into weight loss investigations. But your point about a diversionary worry is perceptive.

I think at that stage she'd lost the appetite for food and for life really. That seems to be really common. Care homes seem to put great effort into getting people to eat. My father's home, both dinner and tea have a dessert as well as a main,and in addition to the 3 main meals they serve tea and cakes for 11ses and mid afternoon and serve supper. Desserts are designed to be tempting - strawberries and cream, arctic roll etc, and the cakes and biscuits are always "fancy".

It's working, in my Dad;s case. He'd lost 2 st by the time he went in, but has regained all that and some extra, and has now cut himself down to only one weetabix for breakfast.

Mere I meant in the situation you and I were in, hand washing vs launderette. I did wash small things at home but sheets etc went to the launderette.

Yes, maybe she didn’t realise how much she wasn’t eating!

I didn’t get the letter in spite of mild asthma. I was wondering.

Went over to DM's this morning to find that the bins that I put out on Wednesday night were still in the middle of the pavement - four days on. Would it really kill her bloody neighbours to do a little kindness and wheel them down her drive? (She lives in a cul de sac, and most of her neighbours are able bodied.) The nation seems to be polarised into selfish bastards and nice people at the moment. And I only seem to come across the latter on social media.

That’s amazing about your dads weight gaindint . Since having carers and me sorting meals, I am sure dm has gained weight ( and lots of trifles/ cream scones)
nota that’s c@#£ re bins. In normal times most councils do an assisted delivery scheme where bins can be collected from the boundary of the property and put back. Maybe not now.....
How is everyone? Dm was sadly looking at her planner to see no visits from cleaners, chiropodist, hairdressers, etc......... and then wanted to know if I was going to be near the ( very busy) post office to get her carer a card......

DM has an assisted delivery scheme in place, but I guess that sort of thing is suspended currently. She was complaining that she is overdue a visit to the hairdressers, as she just can't comprehend what life is like in the outside world (it reminds me of the Sunday's of my 1970s childhood where there were no shops open).

Hi all

I'm losing the will to live with my parents. They're quite difficult (I've posted about them before) and I'd been trying to reduce contact down unless there's an emergency.

Of course, this is an emergency... I thought they were reasonably okay but it turned out DM was still planning to go into the chemist at the local hospital to get their multiple prescriptions and were waiting for Tesco to "sort out" their online food orders (they never have much in the cupboards).

I got them sorted out with a prescription delivery service, got them to contact the local shop for a delivery, and afterwards got a dramatic "It doesn't matter if we die, we're old and we've had our time" e-mail from my mum.

She's any excuse to call, whatsapp (we started a family whatsapp to keep in touch to try and head off the multiple phone calls), and e-mail constantly; I know she's worried but it's starting to really get me down.

My DH, who is disabled, has a degenerative condition and is very frail, is still going on trips on his mobility scooter. They know all the stuff about not trying to overwhelm the NHS, and if DF falls then he'll go into hospital with no visitors, because I've spelled it out to them. I wish my DM would focus some of her energies into making sure they're following government advice.

Like everyone else I've got a million and one worries. The thought of having months of this is filling me with dread.

Hello fellow sandwich ! I remember your posts. Your parents sound really difficult, in ordinary times.
In these times- and it may be a while, I think we oldie wranglers must really prioritise ourselves and whatever gets us through.... whatever it means.
Try and protect yourself.🌺

Sandwich18

I’m confused, do you live with them?

You can’t do anything about the behaviour of others really. In terms of constant calls or messages, I’m wondering why you are constantly available? I removed WhatsApp from my phone because in normal times, you get so many messages about nothing...are any of these messages important?

You can’t constantly reassure people. I’ve had depression and anxiety for years. It’s not right to keep calling anyone and keep dumping on them. There are odd times when I might do it but in a period of anxiety, I wouldn’t dream of bugging anyone several tines a day.

I know it’s possibly a new experience. I’m currently the least worried amongst my family and friends and they’ve no experience of anxiety so are still at the stage of thinking that calling and chatting might fix it, haven’t learned to self soothe yet. They will but you need to set those boundaries.

Someone once told me, on this board “you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”. I found that helpful.

Thanks thesandwich and autumnrose.

I don't live with them, they live 45 minutes away.

I'd been quite good at getting things down to a weekly phone call. I'd been in touch more with the coronavirus stuff - if I hadn't, they'd still be wandering around the local shops. It just feels like my mother is enjoying the drama and using this as an excuse to ramp up the contact.

I'm not sure what to do. I've read all the horror stories about the army finding old people dead in their houses in Spain so there's that. I'm not sure whether to agree with my normal sibling (the other one is an alcoholic) that we'll contact them turn about. It wouldn't be so bad if DM only used one method of communication - like sent photos of DF on whatsapp - but she doesn't appear to rest until she's used all of them!

To make matters worse, when DM called earlier she offered to buy some play equipment for my toddler's birthday - I'd said my daughter was upset about not being able to use play parks, so DM said she'd get her a swing, climbing frame or a slide, which we would have been very grateful for. She's just e-mailed me a suggestion which is for a squeaky skipping toy thing that's for the wrong age group and costs £20 (they got on holiday several times a year normally, they aren't skint). I know it's her money to spend but it just seems so, so mean.

I sense there a backstory here that I don’t know and I don’t understand the skipping rope thing.

But why not just tell your mum she’s annoying you and you need space. Do a daily call to cover everything. Tell her not to use all forms of contact.

Maybe it will settle down. Mum is 81 and she’s been driven mad by calls today, not just people checking on her but wanting to chat about the virus!

Yep, long backstory. My DM has made out for years that DF is at death's door; he is frail now but we've had the best part of a decade where he's been able to go on holiday but to ill to attend things he doesn't want to. DM enjoys a good drama and winding people up.

I've also got an alcoholic sibling who was/is the golden child - DPs swing between complaining about getting abusive, drunken phone calls or coming up with increasingly implausible excuses for bad behaviour. DM also winds up alcoholic family member, even although everyone else involved has repeatedly asked both of them to leave each other alone. I've completely blocked the alcoholic family member now.

With the play equipment DM had made out she was going to get us something nice that would help pass the time for two small kids, but I think must have decided it was too expensive so has suggested something cheap and shit instead (I know whatever we order might be undeliverable for a while anyway).

I'll have a chat with my normal sister and speak to DM about one daily form of contact. I probably brought this on myself as I had to increase contact to try and sort them out a bit; I had hoped the crisis would make them change their behaviour but it obviously hasn't.

All well here!
DM only needed emergency shop once this week and I was able to get what she needed
DB sorted her meds and added some food for her to his online delivery
Despite her dementia she seems to understand the staying at home and is keeping in touch with friends and family by phone
I’m v busy at work setting up a telephone befriending service for anyone who is feeling isolated at present (not just elderly) if you are in my area Lancashire and want to volunteer please PM me!

"It doesn't matter if we die, we're old and we've had our time" That's what half the MNers on AIBU and the Coronovirus threads are saying. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it's quite dispiriting. I should probably confine my reading to here and to the gardening thread.

I know it's her money to spend but it just seems so, so mean. I think there's a tendency (I know I have it) to base your idea of what's a reasonable cost on what it was when you last bought it. I bought a pair of leather boots last year - so diifficult! I'm, used to paying £30 (15 years ago when I last bought a pair), and I couldn't find a pair that I liked for less than £100. Really found it difficult to pay that, even though, having had regular holidays, I'm quite OK with paying £80 a night for b&B rather than £30. Maybe your mum had in mind about £20 when she made her original suggestion? So not meanness as such but too big a discrepancy between what it actually costs and her perception of what it should cost?