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Elderly parents
Original poster

The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

991 replies

yolofish · 09/01/2020 11:50

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
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MereDintofPandiculation · 15/03/2020 21:25

I've just had a phone chat with DS2's fiancée, she's so lovely, I feel much better than I have all day. I'm still intending in the next few days to start "getting my affairs in order" just in case. And just praying for my father - he so much wants to reach 100.

countrygirl that's heartbreaking Flowers

thesandwich · 15/03/2020 22:12

Thanks dint it is quite quiet and small....
glad you are feelings bit better. It is such a tough time and trying to see a way through is so hard.
Thinking of your df too. So glad he can read- that’s good.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 15/03/2020 22:20

My husband might lose his job, my daughter's 18th birthday dinner will probably be cancelled and I don't know how my other daughter will be able to buy a dress for her wedding in August but right now the thing that scares me more than anything else is worrying about my mum and mum in law.

Mum has carers twice a day and I know they practice good hygiene. I am trying to keep trips away from the house to the minimum but my daughter is still in school and my husband and other daughter are still in work.

My mum in law lives an hour away from us with her daughter, son in law, his daughter and her husband and their children so I know that practically she will be looked after in terms of toilet roll and food but she has several underlying health issues so I don't know if we should go and visit her or not.

We were going to go last week but she was out so we said we would go sometime this week but I don't know if it is sensible.

I keep telling my mum that she survived the war and she will survive this just the same. Having seen how the hospital fought for her life 9 months ago I can't believe that now she would be written off. So the only thing to do is wrap her in cotton wool and keep her happy.

thesandwich · 16/03/2020 14:04

hairbrush you’re dealing with so much.... so many worries across the spectrum.
Can you skype mil? How are you looking after you? This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint..... how can you keep well mentally and physically for everyone else? 🌺🌺

ConnieBowskill · 16/03/2020 16:12

Flowers for all those who are separated from their relatives in Care homes and hospitals right now, that would have distressed me greatly. Sadly my lovely Mum died just over two weeks ago, and the funeral Is on Wednesday. Some of the relatives coming are elderly, not many of us all told, really hope we can get through it without the added stress of people being afraid to travel or a ban on gatherings of more than a few. Sadly, I fear it will go that way soon, and make a terrible time worse. I have every admiration for carers of all types, having been on both sides of the fence.

AutumnRose1 · 16/03/2020 16:22

Connie I am so sorry

You probably already know but just in case you’re unaware, there’s a bereavement board on MN. They were helpful when my dad died.

But obviously post here if you prefer.

All good wishes to you Flowers

ConnieBowskill · 16/03/2020 16:36

AutumnRose thank you. I am a long time lurker on the Elderly Parents board, only felt the urge to post now my Mum has gone. Have appreciated helpful tips and advice throughout our journey, maybe I will have something to contribute when my head is straight, having had experience of getting Deputyship, CHC etc.

Myimaginarypenguinhasfleas · 16/03/2020 17:18

Connie so sorry for your lossThanks

My DM's funeral was extremely small and was all the better for it. It felt very personal and everyone was involved. I hope all goes well for you on the day and you can say your goodbyes with whoever manages to attend.

thesandwich · 16/03/2020 18:38

connie I am so sorry for your loss. I hope they day goes as you would wish.🌺🌺
Latest news about elderlies staying in- will be a challenge with elderly dm who is only now feeling like getting out after months indoors...
🌺🌺 to all of us.
cockroach

AutumnRose1 · 16/03/2020 19:36

So are people planning to not see their olds for 12 weeks?

I don’t know what to do.

thesandwich · 16/03/2020 20:45

The language is vague- I cannot not visit dm unless I have to self isolate- she depends on me for shopping/ admin and some cooking etc.....
It will be hard enough to make her stay inside.....( but can only get out if I take her)

geekchicz · 16/03/2020 21:26

I have primary aged school children . 85 year old mum has vascular dementia and presents well some days , canmanage personal care and simple meals . She has carers x 3 per day . Often she rings us many times either in a panic or simply hysterical . Her current delusion is that she lives in a duplicate house or the doors disappear . I’ve been trying for months to get the mental health team to help me . They upped her meds . I’m constantly racing out or sorting a crisis . I got a care assessment done and the social worker asked if I was de- skilling her with 3 x calls a day . She leaves the front door open , has started to wander. We are self funding . We’ve had the ambulance out for breathing problems related to heart failure countless times this year . Barely 2 weeks ago they came out
I realised a week ago jokingly the crisis was here . My care construct was hanging by a thread before . I cannot leave my children to care for her in isolation . There’s no family . We’re fucked . I’m so scared about the choices I face to makes for her or rather the lack of them .

Knotaknitter · 16/03/2020 21:44

The grannies are 85 and 87, no carers but one has two or three falls a week so has people going in for that. One has a brother that visits but as he's in his 70s he will be self isolating too. I will be leaving the house just to food shop and walk in the woods because this is only going to hold together for as long as I am well. After that we switch to Plan B although I'm not sure what Plan B is yet.

Neither can do online food shopping, neither can use FaceTime or equivalent. I am the only person they will see. I'll worry about next week when it comes, there's nothing I can do except keep on keeping on (and coming up with Plan B)

AutumnRose1 · 16/03/2020 21:53

geek so you mean you are debating not seeing her?

I’ve just had this chat with mum again and luckily she finds it all bonkers so is fine for me to visit as usual.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 16/03/2020 22:37

Oh @ConnieBowskill I am so sorry.

I had a long chat with MiL this afternoon and we have decided not to meet up until it's over. She has plenty of family around her able to leave food/meds on her doorstep so not really worried.

My mum is struggling so much with the carers. Claiming she doesn't need them. But they seem to be wise to her!

I have just cancelled daughter's 18th party -

a) it was in a pub
b) her siblings can't travel
c) her grandmothers can't go.

I don't know how isolated mum is going to be - we have reluctantly agreed that she won't be visiting my cousin for the foreseeable and my uncle, who visits her twice a week is also self isolating because he is also a vulnerable age. I'm glad the family aren't coming home because I don't want them visiting her.

But with the carers coming I am finding it so much easier to spend time with her socially - even though I am doing stuff for her - cleaning etc. But just knowing I can walk out the door when I'm ready makes me feel so much better.

geekchicz · 16/03/2020 23:29

No that’s impossible - I can hardly leave her in distress over night when she’s “glitching” or having a panic attack as the fluid has built up in her lungs when she wandered from the house - the MHSOP duty team did nothing . The writing is on the wall as far as I can see. I had a glimpse last year with two admissions of pneumonia . I can’t sleep tonight. I’ve made the decision to ensure I have a grab bag and not to drink alcohol so I can be called upon at any time .

AutumnRose1 · 16/03/2020 23:32

Geek, that makes sense to me.

I’ve had a grab bag for 20 years, I just realised. We were discussing this at work and there’s a clear divide between the “but what for” group and the pessimists! 😂

My parents thought I was nuts till mum’s first near death!

AutumnRose1 · 18/03/2020 22:39

Hope everyone is doing okay.

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/03/2020 14:50

Good news - DS1 doesn't need to move out. Bad news - that's because he's been laid off.

thesandwich · 19/03/2020 15:05

dint I am so sorry- it is the collateral damage wreaking havoc everywhere. Sorry about your dd hairbrush but it’s good news the carers are giving you a break.
Took dm out in the car for an illicit non essential trip- but vital for her sanity and to prevent me committing a major crime.... she didn’t get out but we managed lunch in the car from our very helpful tea room.
Dd’s Last year at uni is in disarray- no info re exams/ assessments,/ assignments etc.... and her job offer may not happen.
Not life or death but life changing.
Stay safe mes amies

AutumnRose1 · 19/03/2020 15:25

Mere sorry to hear that

sandwich yes mum is a bit 😱 at not going out. I’ve told her I’m not imposing rules but will go along with her in terms of visits.

I’m actually at mum’s now. Most of my work is cancelled and I thought London would be locked down so arrived here on Tuesday. I thought she’d go nuts if we couldn’t see each other for 12 weeks and she thinks I’ll go nuts being with her for 12 weeks.

What can you do?

Hoping for more guidance today. Neighbour thinks visiting elderly parents who need shopping etc would be listed as essential.

Aramox · 20/03/2020 06:43

I’m really worried too. Dm is 90s with dementia and lives alone 10 miles away. Very brief carer visits, lives off ready meals she buys daily. I can’t imagine what will happen if they stop. I am planning on still visiting if possible but have my own family with underlying health issues too.

AutumnRose1 · 20/03/2020 10:53

Once again this has made me wonder why pneumonia is called old man’s friend....!

Aramox · 20/03/2020 11:42

Yes. Are some kinds easier?

yoloPenguinsEatfish · 20/03/2020 11:57

me too autumn. It was mum's official cause of death, along with heart issues. Hers must have come on awfully quickly because her obs were normal an hour before.. and the heart issues - well she'd been tested for everything under the sun. We don't believe a bloody word.

So, on the one hand it was mum's 'friend', but everytime I read about pneumonia being a horrible way to die I hope that it wasnt like that for her.

Meanwhile PIL (almost 90 and 82) are not social distancing but 'winding down a little'. They'd better stay safe, because I'm not doing a 120 mile round trip to fetch some bread, and I dont want DH doing it either.