The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

thesandwich tbh the biggest challenge is FIL. He copes ok as long as everything is ticking along as he wants it to, but he won't accept reality and as soon as there is a problem he goes to pieces and wants OH to sort it. A few weeks ago his bank detected a fraudulent transaction on his debit card. Checked with him and stopped card, all fine except he then panicked and phoned DH in tears thinking he wouldn't be able to buy food until the new card came. DH had to point out he could use his credit card or go into a branch and get cash. He also makes huge leaps of imagination. Last week, after listening to half an hour of fretting about a broken mug, DH said " we all have problems, you just have to deal with them and move on" . FIL apparently couldn't sleep he was so upset because that meant we were splitting up!

Hi, I posted on here last night about my mum but sadly she passed away last night shortly after I posted. Thank you for the advice and support given to me, just worried about my dad now as he cared for her from the start and he now feels so lost without her.

Jam condolences to you and yours.

Are you being looked after?

Re your dad, everyone’s so different. You will have to watch out for what he needs in case he can’t quite string a sentence together yet, if you see what I mean.

Do you know there’s a bereavement section on here, in case that’s helpful?

Much love to you

Thanks AutumnRose, I'm on autopilot to be honest. My dh will look after the children while I go back to mum and dads shortly. I'll have a look at the bereavement board too. Will be back when it all starts to sink in.

So sorry jam, thats a shock. Please look after yourself xx

Jam of course, we're here whenever you need us.

I’m so sorry jam 🌺🌺

So very sorry jam. What a shock.

Sorry to hear that Jam

Sorry for your loss Jam. I've reread your previous post where you talk about guilt for not doing more - you have young kids and you can only do so much, so please don't go there.

Sorry for your loss Jam

I am so sorry for your loss xx

DM is becoming increasingly incontinent. But I'm pretty sure she is in a mixture of denial and just not realising due to the dementia. I'm really not sure what I would gain from talking to her about it, or whether I should just go along with the denial. She's likely to get angry with me if I raise it with her.

I've had to buy her a load of underwear at the weekend (at her request), so on some level she knows. I've also taken on doing her clothes washing as she doesn't always remember how to use the machine, or forgets to add detergent, or leaves the clothes sat in it for days.

I might start with buying her some pads 'in case of emergencies'.

Any thoughts?

Incontinent of urine or doubly incontinent? I she dripping, or is she forgetting to go and flooding? If dripping, could you start with panty-liners and work up from there? Would waterproof pants be any good? - nowadays they feel like soft cotton and can be quite pretty, they're not the crinkly horrors of old.

Remember if you're buying specialist things, like incontinence pants, and you can claim a disability rather than simple old age, you don't have to pay VAT. May be more trouble than it's worth, eg download declaration form and reclaim after the event, or some companies (eg Cosyfeet) make it easy for you.

Doubly I'm afraid (hence why she is getting through so many pants). I think it may be a case of not getting to the loo on time, but I think dementia also plays a part.

I'll have a look at waterproof pants, thanks Dint.

nota I can’t remember, does she have carers in?

Carers come in once a day for 30 minutes or less. I think they check if she's taken her meds, and have a chat. And that's it really. DB and I do everything else for her between us (or I subcontract things out).

I meant to change the carer agency at the end of last year, but have been feeling too overwhelmed with things in my own life to take that on.

I posted last week about DM in hospital. After being declared fit and then having it cancelled then fit again I finally met a social worker on Friday who said mum didn't qualify for rehab just a care package. There wouldn't be one available for a couple of weeks so she could have a place in a care home while the care package was put in place. Mum was very happy with this solution.
Saturday they rang and said they had carers able to go in Sunday and therefore the respite care was no longer on offer. My sister discussed with mum the option of accepting that or us sorting it out privately so she could get the respite first. Mum wanted to go home so she went.

Surprise surprise I get called out in the night. Get there, ambulance crew say she doesn't need hospital it was a panic attack.
I'm already struggling health wise myself having only finished cancer treatment a ten days ago.

Quirrels along with many others on this thread, I feel your pain. Tough to do, but maybe don't go next time the ambulance is called out?

Quirrels - it’s so hard. Are the carers going in now? We went through similar last year but DM only lasted 3 weeks at home before being readmitted to hospital. DM was then assessed as not having capacity, which just created a different set of issues.

I’m afraid that after a while you have to develop a clear set of boundaries and make sure social services are aware of them too. But you have my sympathy- it’s a horrible place to be

@notaflyingmonkey It was me that called the ambulance. Mum rang me (instead of pressing the call button she had on around her neck). She was gasping for breath and I'm 40 minutes away. I didn't see the point in waiting until I got there to call an ambulance. There is a DNR in prominent position in the kitchen. I'm not too sentimental where mum is concerned but I couldn't not go.
@Toofaroutallmylife (Hi Skap from cancer thread here). Yes carers are going in. She will have basic needs met by carers, also friends and family ringing and popping in during the day. She's scared at night I guess. I would be. We have made it clear to mum and SS that we are not doing regular daily caring and she won't be able to stay with either of us. We will of course be calling, visiting doing shopping, etc but definitely not going over to get her up every morning.
The care package agreed was totally inadequate but they are upping it now and going to do a "roving night call".
We have LPAs both financial and health registered but she still has capacity.
Question(because I'm too tired to spend hours googling). If she were to go into a care home self funded could she still apply for LA funding? She has very little savings but her income is reasonably good and her house is worth about £100k.

I just want to bang my head against the wall. Nine months ago when mum went into hospital we started to ask for help. We contacted the people we were told to contact, I asked for a Carer's Assessment and we were promised the moon. It was all too good to be true.

We were first told that the assessment would take place before she was released from hospital. But that didn't happen.

I chased them and found we hadn't even been referred. In Novemeber the Social Worker came and did a joint assessment on us both - I had no opportunity to speak to her in private and explain the negative effect that caring for her was having on me and my family.

Five weeks ago I spoke to the SW on the phone. She asked if I had completed and returned a particular form which she was supposed to have sent me but hadn't so said she would send it by email.

After the weekend from hell - changing mum's sheets four times a day, scrubbing the floor and carpet, washing her, husband having to help me pick her up off the floor when she fell - I went to the surgery this morning and asked for the SW (she doesn't work in the surgery on Mondays apparently) and I said how worried I was and that she had diarrhoea for a week. The lovely receptionist (I can't fault her - she was lovely) went off and spoke to the GP who sent her back with the suggestion that we should call Social Services and get a care package in place!

It has already been agreed that she needs a care package (although she is insisting she won't have it) but right now I am feeling that I would rather see her in a home than keep doing what I am doing right now.

I can not stop crying. I am having to stay with her because she can no longer make it from her bed to her ensuite bathroom, let alone from the living room.

hairbrush and everyone, I am so bloody sorry. Have and from me. I know from my own experience that even though it makes no practical difference, just knowing that someone else understands is a solace xx

DB and I have decided to go to the ombudsman following the hospital response to our complaints. We have no idea whether this will make a difference, but agreed that we have to do it just with the hope that something will change and that we will have done our best by mum.

quirrels no L A funding. Unless there is a remaining partner the house will need to be sold.
They will take all bar the last 23k.
There is provision for nhs continuing care but that really is only for intensive hospital level incapacity- terminal illness etc, and is almost impossible to get.
Sorry

Hairbrush you sound like someone at breaking point. Can you hit the phones tomorrow and just call every line you can find for social services until you find someone who can help? If not, go lateral. Email her MP, the GP, anyone and everyone. Age concern may also be worth trying.