The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Yes, I’ve heard that about black cats.
Mad

One of my friends went to a rescue place planning to get a cat. He came back with 3 😂

Colleague having Red Bull and croissant for lunch.

I feel reassured, my generation def won’t live as long as my folks 😂

Need to rant as I have got steam coming out of my ears!

My Df has two carers; one is a lovely, professional carer employed through a local agency. The other is a friend of his cleaner who met him just over a year ago who gets paid in cash, is in Df's will and my Df is 'in love' with. There is an age difference of nearly 70 years

My Df tolerates the first carer, only because he accepts that he needs more hours of care than the unofficial carer will commit to (ie no evenings or weekends.)

Today the unofficial carer calls to say that the other lady is on the verge of resigning because it is obvious that Df is clocking her hours in his diary every day and that if he doesn't trust her, she doesn't want to be there. Df has had 3 previous carers who all resigned because he was so unpleasant to them.

If this carer does leave then chances are Df would end up in a home - which he would hate and would deprive the unofficial carer of her income.

I'm struck by the irony of the situation. The official carer submits an itemised invoice every month for me to pay and the unofficial carer gets paid the same sum every week by Df regardless of whether she turns up or not (and she frequently doesn't.) My Df won't hear a word against her and insists she is worth every penny.

I've just spent two hours sorting this out and counting down the hours till I can have a large glass of wine...

Parsley. - watch that situ like a hawk!
Do you have PoA?
Maybe a home would be best, in all the circs?

I've just had the first really positive elderly-related thing happen since aged mother started deteriorating mentally and physically about three years ago.

I was able to pass on the "unsafe discharge'" magic words to a friend, who thus avoided having her elderly and vulnerable mother discharged entirely inappropriately into her care. That gave me a real boost and God knows we all need those don't we.

Vent alert

I've just got M a lightweight wheelchair. M complained it was too heavy, then refused to bend her knees to put her feet on the foot plate things. I am rubbish at assembling anything and the blasted thing is difficult to fold up, so today's little outing from the care home to thé diabetic eye screening clinic was a laugh a minute. And that was before she declared she needed the loo just as her name was called. Not for the first time it occurred to me it's like wrangling a gigantic toddler.

She has never been interested in anything much beyond herself and now it's impossible to find anything to talk about on these little trips out. I come away feeling frustrated and angry. I am there as her servant basically. She never asks anything about me, or my life or work. The good thing is she forgets generally speaking whatever orders she gave me last time, so most can be happily ignored!

Oh yes, and black cats are the best. I have two, both incredibly loving and friendly, plus a disabled tortie and white, who is....spirited.

I have heard of cats being given up to rescue because their owners redecorated and their coats no longer matched the colour scheme. Despicable.

Parsley oh wow. What's his £ situation? I can't believe the other one is just taking money from him basically.

Grinchly "I have heard of cats being given up to rescue because their owners redecorated and their coats no longer matched the colour scheme. Despicable."

Oh my GOD. I haven't heard of this. Though I have heard of one couple who didn't want a cat flap any more for design reasons (!) and just decided the cat would be outside all day while they were at work. Neighbours took him in a lot, but unsurprisingly he got run over shortly afterwards. He had never really wandered beyond their garden before.

re your mum, I really don't know how you cope. I take my hat off to all of you.

I feel really disloyal saying this - DH was pining in our temporarily catless home, so I allowed him to commit to the teenage mother and two kittens that were available rather than holding out. He is completely and hopelessly smitten by B&W mum, and I'm developing a good relationship with B&W kitten. But I do so want another black cat, and I will never have the chance to have one - not enough of my life left.

Actually, what I want is a reincarnation of my soul mate with whom I staked out the kitchen and caught the mouse under the washing machine. And there's no guarantee that another black cat would be that. And I did get to cuddle Bolt, the Huddersfield Station cat, who is much larger in real life than he looks on facebook.

Mere could you manage a 3rd cat? I don't know how much space you have.

your cat nostalgia is lovely!

oh grinchly the wheelchair thing and the wrangling toddlers... I feel your pain. After all of that, mum was stone deaf and would speak VERY loudly: DARLING! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT WOMAN OVER THERE! IS THE DOCTOR ENGLISH OR NOT? WELL HE WAS INDIAN BUT TERRIBLY NICE ACTUALLY. (The last bit means that he didnt have an accent so probably went to public school before med school...)

The shame...

dint aw new kitties! How bloody lovely. Over my adult lifetime, we have had 9 - Black & Decker, joined by Bosch. Then Sparky and Salem, followed by Smudge, then Sootie and Stanley and now Willis. All wonderful, and most of them black, some with some white markings. Decker was a tabby, the most wonderful bed cat, and Smudge was tabby & white. (sorry, mad cat lady alert!)

yolo Black and Decker and Bosch, I love it!

hellooogrinchly! so sorry about the wheelchair/toddler wrangling. its blooming tough. Watch your back lifting the thing.
Dm currently can't get in and out of my car so we use lovely wheelchair taxi firm-they also get her out of the house over the awkward step with dm exhibiting the most horrendous facial expressions(but no sound-would be if it was me moving her)
she refers to it as the cattle truck....
your cats all sound lovely.
Our only cat was a former farm cat thug who looked like a ball of fluff with evil eyes..... terrified our doberman and one night about 3 am DH had to intervene in a very noisy stand off between thug cat and another local cat by running down the road in his dressing gown..
Thug cat was known to batter through the catflap we had locked to stop him being scared of fireworks.....

* waves to the utterly fabulous sandwich, And yolo* too.

Dint , I so understand what you mean. Some companion animals pass through with wrenching sadness; others are the loves of our lives, animal- wise.

My dog Meg, for example: I loved her so whole heartedly in she me. That utter trust thing. I mourn her more as the years go by.

And re cats, my black cat Tom. I adore him. And I just know , whatever the behaviour experts say, that he loves me too.

Hi everyone, is it ok if I join you? I've lurked for a long time and this is my first post but could do with a handhold. My mum was diagnosed with dementia around seven years ago with my dad caring for her at home, but she stopped eating and drinking around a week ago. She is very frail and not expected to live for much longer. I feel so guilty as I have two young children and can't be there with mum and dad as often as my other siblings. My dad says he understands and my family come first but I just feel so guilty and I worry that i won't be there for mum at the end.

jam handhold for you, this is so difficult. You can’t be by their side forever. My dad was alone in his hospice room when he died and I gather a lot of people actually wait to be alone.

Does she realise you’re around when you visit?

Hi AutumnRose, thanks for replying, yes mum knows I'm there. Although she can't really talk now, she understands what I'm saying to her and nods and smiles in response which is a comfort to me.

jam that’s good.

I reminded my dad of little things, like the books he used to read me and his favourite songs etc. I can only suggest that you don’t think too much about the end, but focus on the time you spend together.

jam big hugs. It's good that she can smile and nod, that's a comfort for you - hold on to it

Thanks for the advice AutumnRose. I'm visiting mum again in the morning so I'll talk about the things she used to like before she was ill.

jam hand hold from me too.

Hi Yolofish, thanks for replying. Yes it's big comfort that mum can still understand me, I'm lucky that she still can.

Thanks the sandwich and everyone who's replied, feel a bit better now. Will go to bed now and get some sleep.

jam

Mere could you manage a 3rd cat? I don't know how much space you have. We already have 3! We kept both the kittens - tabby & white kitten is busily training up DS. We have been up to 6 in the past - I think 3 is the most I can realistically have and still pay enough attention to all of them.

MIL is in hospital. She had a 15 minute seizure Thursday morning and it was several hours before she came to properly. She also has a very swollen and painful knee. CT scan ruled out another stroke so she is staying in for observation and to find out what is wrong with her knee. MRI scan sometime next week.
FIL has again convinced himself that SS will pay for 24 hour carers at home for her if he pops his clogs. He was convinced of that when she first came home and despite SS making it very clear to him when I told them what he thought he's back there again. No point arguing with him. Just like he won't admit he won't cope with a 2 hour queue to see Flyball at Crufts (he has Parkinson's) or that MIL won't cope with an at least 3 hour journey on the morning of DS2s wedding and be fit to attend the ceremony at 3 (she finds travelling exhausting and gets car sick).
We've been convinced that DM has dementia but now she has finally been to the doctor he thinks she has a heartbreaking problem that may be causing her confusion so it's an echocardiogram for her next week.
DH is getting over his second nasty chest infection since November.
Work has been a nightmare with a major review of the project I'm working on but at least it looks like we are back on again, if at a reduced scope.
But other than that and the weather all is good!

Heart, not heartbreaking. Possibly heart failure

girl sounds a massive challenge. Sending 🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫☕️Whatever helps.