The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

hairbrush Don't feel you have to help others on here - there's lots of us around, someone will be able to help, it doesn't have to be you. Be focussed on the threads that will help you, and try not to even read ones that may bring back memories. Or just duck out completely, and only come back when you want specific advice or a rant.

Six page letter from the hospital.

A lot of we are so sorry - and they misspelt mum's first name which is annoying.

OTH there is some good stuff; they are going to use her case in teaching, in order to encourage more joined up thinking across departments. They have changed some ward routines to establish things like ensuring elderly patients are helped to eat, and once weekly weighing. They have also set up something called zonal nursing where there is a nurse on every bay and h/she cannot leave unless there is some available to step in.

So on the whole I think it is the best result we could have expected; they have acknowledged serious failings and outlined actions to reduce them in future.

yolo I’m so glad you have had a response from the hospital which acknowledges some of their mistakes and it sounds as if it could make a difference to others.
Well done for fighting for your dm. Will that give you some degree of closure?

Just spoke to DB sandwich. Need to photocopy the letter and send it to him on Mon and then we'll decide what to do. He wants to know the process/reviews of what they are saying they will put in place - which is a fair point.

Closure, not really. She was treated very badly, it was like a perfect storm of poor care.

So I think we'll stick with it a bit in order to try and make sure it doesnt happen again - ha, of course it will happen again.

yolo have you spoken to your local MP? Might be worth sending them a copy. And head of local health authority maybe.

Well done on fighting for this.

I just had a phone call from my Father aged 92. He doesn't have dementia.

He had taken a bowl out of the microwave and it was hot and he'd dropped it.
He asked if I could go over in the morning to clean it up.

I said "but my brother is coming over to see you in the morning. He can do it"

My Df said "Can he?"

Me: "Yes, of course. Why not?"

Df: "I didn't think of that!"

Just for reference my brother lives two miles away from him and is a bachelor. I live 20 miles away and have two children.

I'm tearing out my hair...

Parsley
I don’t have enough 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 for that.

Omg........

I feel your pain Parsley. My DM doesn't like it when DB and I split the responsibility for things like taking her to medical appointments as 'he works'. (I also work, full time, commute and have two kids).

She is currently angling for me to take her to get her hair cut as she doesn't like having someone coming to the house to do it. DB visits on a Saturday, but she won't ask him to take her.

Parsley I notice with my dad the obvious solution doesn't seem to occur. To a man of his age, like it or not, the obvious solution from back in the days when he was growing up was that a woman of the house would do it. And when you're very old, even though you don't have dementia, your early life looms more important and things you've learned in later life recede into the background.

My dad was having trouble because the cloth bag he was using for his shopping dragged on the floor. I said "why don't you tie a knot in the handles to shorten them? "Oh, that's clever, I never thought of that!" This was a man who was at the cutting edge of research in his field when he was working.

The learning point for me is not to assume the obvious solutions have been tried and found wanting. It's too easy to assume that the obvious steps have been taken and start to thinking about more complex solutions. Make sure you've suggested the obvious and simple solutions first.

Well done yolo!

nota how do you not scream at that kind of thing?

A couple of days ago I was going to stop reading the posts in this section. Now I have read @Parsley65's story and feel like running out and embracing my mum for the sheer joy of knowing she is in the granny annex and not 20 miles away.

hairbrush yes, it's funny how things work on this thread!

how are you?

parsley nota dint autumn and anyone else I have missed... I can hear your screams from here!

The frustration, the fact that DB was a 'saint' for doing stuff I did for 3 days at a time when I did it the rest of the time... OMG I FEEL you xxx

I've just been having a quick chat with mum, I'm going there tomorrow.

she is feeling better physically. I don't know if she genuinely can't remember stuff or is just being uncertain of what she wants, but once again it has come up that she wants to go somewhere on the Tube, I am not prepared to take her, she has plenty of money for a cab....gah.

More moans about the usual shit. Welcome to adulthood at 81, mother.

I might have to be ill for next week's visit.

Thank you all for making me feel that I'm not losing my mind!

I have a good relationship with my Df, but must admit that things like this do cause strain.

If you really want some schadenfreude, then have a look at at my post in AIBU in September last year (sorry, I don't know how to signpost it) about my Df and his much younger, dodgy carer. He's left her money in his will, claims to be 'in love' with her, etc.

It'll make your toes curl...

Parsley I think just the summary is 😱😱😱

the fact that DB was a 'saint' for doing stuff I did for 3 days at a time when I did it the rest of the time... It's things like this that make me glad to be an only. "Sharing the burden" seems to extract a high price.

Hello, I think I need this thread.
DM is 85 and lives alone. Her health has worsened gradually, she has a complex combination of heart failure and lung problems which mean her mobility is limited by shortness of breath. Sister and I each live about 40 minutes away in opposite directions.

I've had my own problems with a cancer diagnosis last year. Coming out the other side now but not fighting fit by any means. While I was ill my sister shouldered the bulk of the problems but we have another crisis and it's my turn.
Last year DM had pneumonia and when she was discharged from hospital there was no care package, I don't know why, I suspect mum just told them her daughters would look after her. Sis had a terrible time because mum got Cdif and then had a fall in the middle of the night. She was constantly being called out.

Now mum is back in hospital with pneumonia again. The doctor has said she is fit for discharge and she has told them her DD will be staying with her. She won't. My sister has other things going on and I am not well enough to take on residential care duties.
It does feel like everyone I know is going through nightmares with elderly parents. My mother can be manipulative, appear to be at deaths door and then flick a switch and be the life and soul of the party. I fear this is going to be a long and stressful saga.

Just found this thread and wondered if I may join you all.

My parents are both mid-70s and live independently around 2 hours from me. I have a brother but he is much further away. Mum and Dad are both total technophobes but have been fine until recently, over the last 18 months to 2 years Dad has been getting a bit more confused. Mum has had the dementia nurse in for the standard tests, which he passed, and he had a MRI, which was fine. But he's still talking about visiting relatives who died 20 years ago, or asking mum where she's going when she just told him 2 minutes before.

The signs aren't good to be honest and I worry about my mum's ability to advocate for my Dad. She's educated, switched on and understands everything, but is quite intimidated by doctors, especially someone more senior than the GP. She wouldn't DREAM of questioning, or pushing for a second opinion. She also doesn't want me involved at this stage which is fine. She knows the offer is there.

As with most people in this situation I have my own busy life - three children, the oldest doing her scottish A-level equivalents this year, the youngest starting senior school in August. Signed up to start a Masters part-time in October. Freelance and self-employed (another bone of contention as mum and dad don't really understand what I do as it's not a "proper job" and they don't understand anything internet-related).

We're early stages. But I can see the next decade being challenging.

yolo have you spoken to your local MP? Might be worth sending them a copy. And head of local health authority maybe.

actually autumn that's a bloody good idea, and depending on what DB says once he receives the letter I will probably do it. Have asked him to draft a letter about how/when we can expect their feedback on the changes they've said they'll put in place.

quirrel and pineapple welcome to the ride.

quirrel your first action, if not already too late is to tell the hospital that your DM cannot be discharged, as no one available to take care of her/take responsibility. Then they should have a social worker on board to work out a care package, or whether she needs to go into a home. Sorry, that sounds really harsh, but clearly neither you nor your sister can do it (and I hope you are getting better - that alone is enough on your plate!)

pineapple I need to think more about your post , but someone else will be along shortly - hang on in there.

quirrell I echo yolos wise wisdom..... “ unsafe discharge” I recall from others here is a key phrase...
pineapple it sounds really tough- all you can do I suppose is be ready with info and knowledge when they will accept it.... certainly getting them to accept cleaners/ gardeners early on means it’s easier to get them to accept carers later....
autumn hope your visit to dm wasn’t too grim.....

Thanks yolo and hello pineapple. There has been a referral to hospital social workers. Unfortunately the doctor had told her this morning she could go home and when I called to visit she greeted me with "I'm going home tomorrow". She has decided that my sis can go and stay with her, this in spite of knowing that sis has full time job and other commitments.
I will remember the phrase unsafe discharge. I am thinking the social workers might be easier to handle than DM though......