The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

sorry, me again

rang mum at lunchtime to check on her

she's suffering mild dizziness but wouldn't take any doc appointment offered because it's not her doctor unless she waits 3 weeks.

obviously it might be stress etc but how concerned would you all be? Would you push her to take an appointment with anyone?

rose sorry to hear this. Yes I would push her to see any doc- it could be vertigo which is easily treated with medication. Ear infection- so many things. 🌺good luck.

autumn yes get her to go asap, as sandwich says could be easily treated with meds. In the meantime, you do NOT want her to fall over!! (been there so many times with mum, once they start falling you are on permanent standby for the next fall)

thank you

I rang her and said this and she said "oh well, if I'm destined to fall, that's what will happen". Le sigh.

Now she wants to wait and see how she feels over the weekend. Not a coincidence as I am going on Monday so could accompany her if she wound up with an urgent appointment.

autumn oh dear, big sigh indeed. Mine got to the point where she wouldnt tell me she'd fallen over sometimes because she knew I would make her get checked out. Sorry, it's so bloody hard, I have every sympathy with you, and with your frustration and rage too.

yolo "Mine got to the point where she wouldnt tell me she'd fallen over sometimes because she knew I would make her get checked out."

I can understand that...I mean if she got up, felt okay and couldn't face going to the doctor or hospital because it happens so often. That's what happens with mum's atrial fibrillation. I totally understand she'd rather settle a bit and hospital makes her feel worse.

but I also think this is vertigo - so does she - so why she wants to let it get worse is beyond me. It's just one GP appointment, it's not the whole A&E thing we were asked to do for AF attacks.

I also pointed out the nurse practitioner might be able to prescribe in which case she would probably be seen tomorrow, but no.

thank you all for the support

When they start breaking bones, or being unable to get themselves up it's tricky. Mum had osteoporosis and arthritis, so the combination of crappy bones, pain and generally being wobby wasnt really a good one.

I was trigger happy with calling 999 probably, but I also wasnt prepared to put my own back out by lifting her, and also knowing that I could pick her up off the floor at 10am and she'd be over again by 11am... chuck in a few breathing/heart problems, dodgy tummy, anxiety, depression - I found it really hard to believe she'd be fine a few minutes after a sit down.

And I think, perhaps like you? I found it really difficult to give her the support she wanted, the sitting and listening to her moan, how awful her life was. I'm a doer.

yolo "I found it really difficult to give her the support she wanted, the sitting and listening to her moan, how awful her life was."

yes, I can't do that. she thinks she's just having a bad week - I hope so.

tbh mum is so frail, if she broke a bone, she'd be disabled I think.

She's told me to stop fussing. I am hoping she will just sit quietly this afternoon and maybe get out of her mental fug a bit.

mum also has depression and anxiety generally but refuses to take meds, even though she can see I'd never have held down a job without taking them.

after dad died, we did all right watching films and stuff to keep her occupied but she's now saying she doesn't want to watch anything.

two of her close friends are away at the moment - together. I think the combination of me handing over some legal work, them being away etc has given her a big downer.

rose I do feel for you. Your dm sounds like a vortex of doom.
Getting her to the docs does sound important on Monday.
What are you doing for you?
yolo any response from hospital? How is dh?
How’s everyone else doing?

sandwich the hospital is a vortex of silence! DH is doing ok, just about to finish penultimate chemo (which according to oncologist is belt & braces stuff). So a week off and then 3 more weeks on and hopefully it is done. DD2 is a bit panicky about bringing coronavirus back from commuting but we are a watch and wait with that one. Her lovely boyf came up from Cardiff tonight to surprise her at work and will be home for the w/e - so sweet.

How are you doing?

rose I agree with what sandwich says about your mum. Can we help you find a way to try and break the cycle a bit?

yolo I doubt you’ll hear from the hospital again I’m afraid.

sandwich how are you?

I’m all right in that I do have time for myself but I think she needs to be left to manage, even if it is by making poor choices. I’ve just been chatting with an elderly lady in my block of flats. She gets vertigo and says it comes and goes and she doesn’t take anything for it.

I looked online and nhs website says you might not get given anything.

Oh well, she has capacity, if she doesn’t want to go tomorrow I can’t do anything about it. I think that’s the cycle I need to break - interfering with her decisions.

🎤🎤
So life is long, with many a winding turn
That lead us to death, so I try to live free
And I'm stroppy, stroppy ‘bout holding her
She’s so heavy - she's my mother

So on we go, her welfare is my concern
My burden to bear, we'll get there
Wherever in the name of blue fuck that is
I’m so stroppy - she’s my mother.
🎤🎤

I know the penultimate line doesn’t scan, I just needed to get that out in a safe environment 😂

I’m going to do some pre bed yoga now! Good night Cockroach Cafe, I love you!

autumn Sorry, I meant "be fair in your description" you don't have to go back to Victorian times to be into paper ledgers and no internet banking - spreadsheets didn't come into regular use until the 80s. But not allowing you to use a spreadsheet is a bit extreme! I don't do internet banking with Dad's money, and I don't use his cards on-line because he wouldn't want to do that himself. But even he is happy for me to store everything on a spreadsheet. So my sympathy is completely with you on that one.

Sorry - I was probably being paranoid about the neighbour. It's just that when a neighbour gets involved it's possible that they start feeling that they shouldn't be doing so much, and it's the family's job, and therefore the fact that they are helping means the family isn't doing enough.

You don't need to keep up the pretence that you need her, just don't deny it. First she'll realise that you don't need her for practical things, or for wise advice, just hope she doesn't realise that you don't need her as a loved family member, it would be a very difficult thing to realise about your own daughter. But I don't see any need to bring the day of realisation forward.

Mere “ It's just that when a neighbour gets involved it's possible that they start feeling that they shouldn't be doing so much, and it's the family's job, and therefore the fact that they are helping means the family isn't doing enough.“

I think there might be a misunderstanding here. Mum thinks the neighbour isn’t doing enough.

I live 2 hours away so the neighbour offers help with stuff partly because of that. I don’t think the neighbour thinks I’m not doing enough.

Dad was very conscious of being a burden, I really respected his clarity there, but just now I’m respecting it even more!

@AutumnRose1 - loving "She aint heavy - she's my mother" really feeling the weight today.

She is very determined that I need to help her, not carers. She needs help to dress and it is my job to do that. She is in so much pain she can't possibly dress herself (I don't dispute that) but she doesn't see the restrictions she is placing on me.

I am going out this evening with my husband - will leave dinner for her and my daughter - but instead of coming home and having a glass of wine/cup of tea I will have to go to her and put her to bed by which time DH will have given up waiting for me and will be settled in front of the tv watching some documentary or other. In fairness he has no idea how long it will take me to sort her out so I can't expect him to hang around for an hour waiting for me but I wish she would be willing/prepared to go straight to bed when I get in instead of wanting to witter and faff for half an hour!

Rant over. Smile stuck back on face. Off to reclaim the hallway from the dogs!

hairbrush oh that’s horrendous. So selfish.

Is it you that has a granny flat, so to speak?

Yes - she is my fairy at the bottom of my garden.

I am trying to decide whether this section of Mumsnet is good for me or not. I was replying to the person who was struggling to feed her mum while she was in hospital and I had a full on panic attack remembering the agony of being told wait in the relatives room knowing it was where my cousin was when she was told her mum had died. I have been in floods of tears all day with the frustration/hopelessness and guilt.

hairbrush I’ve had times where I’ve thought the board wasn’t good for me but in balance decided it keeps me sane, and civil, for the outside world. My friends would be shocked at my wee song there.

It’s best to get it out here than say it to the wrong person.

But maybe have a break and see how you feel. There are particular threads where I don’t go because they’re too stressful.

hairbrush I understand..... this is a random group of internet strangers so think hard about what you are getting/ giving-
Sounds brutal but you are giving so much of yourself to your dm. It’s fine to dip in and out, only if it helps.
It can be a brilliant source of support and advice, but if that c9mes at too high a price...

hairbrush you dip in/out just as much as you want, or not. As sandwich says, we are randoms but we do all know what you are going through, and we can help if we can, even if just as an outlet to vent or a hand to hold.

I think I would have gone mad without this place... and for me, it was somewhere to just come and 'be' and say the stuff without constantly dumping it on DH and the DDs - although I did that too!

Take care of yourself.

I seem to have dropped off this thread, so just popping in to say hello.

Life goes on in much the same way, so nowt to report.

Hello nota you okay yourself?

monkey hello! are you ok? life going on the same way can be very tedious and soul destroying...

Autumn Yes, of course Mum thinks the neighbour isn't doing enough, that's taken for granted! As far as the neighbour's concerned I'm projecting my own experience of "neighbours" telling me how they go in once a week and see "old Mrs X", followed immediately by "she's got family, but they don't do anything - she's lucky if she sees her daughter once a week". There's no evidence of your mother's neighbour feeling like that, but it's a common feeling. I might be completely off-beam.

Autumn reading further down your post, it looks like you've got a good neighbour there, and my fears are unfounded.