The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I think that being a private person and community minded dont necessarily cancel each other out. I am of the 'dont want to live in neighbours pockets' persuasion, but equally would help anyone out if I could through a few simple things. I suppose it's difficult if you dont actually know people though... the people I know locally are not old or in need of help, although there must be those who are. I just dont want to engage more than I help with unrelated oldies!

We need to remake our wills, both DDs now adults so no need for anyone other than them to be executors. And also our financial position has changed a bit, DH being a company director now and holding 50% of the shares.

cat Even our vet sends condolence cards.

autumn That's shockingly slack of your solicitors. One of the reasons to use a solicitor is that everything is dealt with, no details are forgotten.

And then I arrived here and the previous owner had left a card, a beautiful new orchid plant, and list of local contacts that might be handy. I am going to do that when I move. Our previous owner left a small toy in every room so that our 4 year old would have something to do while we were moving in.

Mere I've actually got a spreadsheet myself and I think it might be more detailed than what the solicitors have.

Mum is not happy but I think just accepts the "solicitors are crap" line because she's never dealt with any before, but my experiences have been fine before this.

dint that is so sweet about the toys!

How’s everyone doing?

I’m feeling really bad. As part of the drive to get my life back, I’ve just told mum to deal with a stressful thing herself. It was too hard to do from a distance and she can do it herself, just finds is stressful. But she could live another 15 years so....

Love the moving stories! How sweet about the toys. We were never that organised.....
All calmish here..... wheelchair taxi trips work well, v solicitous drivers.... and so far storm not too wild.
rose don’t feel bad- it will poke your dm into doing stuff. You deserve to get your life back.
Have asked on a separate thread but anyone know anything about live in carers? For a friend in Surrey ?

Sorry sandwich I don’t know but hopefully someone will

What questions do you have, is it worth using one of the MN local boards?

Re mum, yes, I don’t know if I just have a Pavlovian response to “elderly” but she says things like “I have to write this letter and it’s so HARD” and actually, it’s just life. She doesn’t officially have arthritis but complains her hands hurt. That said, after I didn’t go this weekend, she’s done some deleting of texts on her phone which would have been left to me...

It’s hard to differentiate between her having real problems and just moaning because previously dad did everything for her.

sandwich we looked at live in carers for mum, it's very expensive! we did actually have one who lasted I think 2 nights before mum went back to hospital. mum referred to her as "the maid" which was embarassing.

I just googled live in carers, couldnt recommend a specific agency.

Thanks rose and yolo
Hope you are all coping in the wuthering!

the wuthering was awful on my high floor yesterday!

it's bad enough in a ground floor office!

I realised today - my phone is not going to ring with the Stressful Thing that I have handed back to mum

She has also agreed to pay bills on Direct Debit and stuff. I'll have to set those up when I next go. But I think I have sent a message that I really am extricating myself from things a grown woman can actually do for herself.

Wuthering sounds grim rose but leaving your mum to sort stuff sounds good....
Eventful trip yesterday taking dm out for lunch.... on return wheelchair taxi took an hour to do a ten min trip in the blizzard!! Driver was wonderful and dm took it in her stride.......😮😮 cars stuck and sliding everywhere......

and just moaning because previously dad did everything for her. I suppose every time she has to do something which her husband used to do for her, it's another reminder of her loss. But well don for the progress you have made.

mum referred to her as "the maid" which was embarassing. I suppose she partly retaining her own sense of self. It must be depressing to admit you need carers. Maids are a choice, carers are forced upon you.

I'm feeling cheery today - for the first time in my life I've managed to make yorkshire puddings which weren't just edible, but perfect! There's nothing stopping me now!

Congrats dint ! I can’t do them! 😉

Ooh I love a Yorkshire pudding

I KNEW mum was lying. Last weeks progress wasn’t progress at all. She can’t cope with the task she’s taken on, she’s been crying most of yesterday and I think when I left this morning she probably cried a lot more.

She won’t see a counsellor.

Autumn have you thought of Cruse for your DM? They aren't counsellors in the sense she probably thinks, but they offer support especially for people who have been bereaved. It might help her to talk to people who have been in the same boat as her, and work out how to move forward. Their website looks promising.

Oh sorry rose false dawn..... cruse sounds like a good call- I did skim read and thought cat was suggesting yourdm going on a cruise..🤭

Her doctor suggested CRUSE
In fairness, it does look like a counselling service?

Hopefully it’s just a bad patch because she had been better.

I’m not offering to help more as she’s possibly been spoiled a lot again after dad’s death. She’s now saying that the lovely neighbour, who does tons for her, isn’t doing enough. As if he has to do anything at all....

One thing she’s still really worked up about is the amount of crap dad has left. We’re still trying to chuck it or donate it, bit by bit. I don’t want to be cruel but I’m wondering if I ought to point the hard fact....she can leave it, because if she either moves or dies, it will be me hiring a skip for everything anyway. I’ll pay the costs myself to be spared the task.

I’ve also avoided saying this because of her anxiety, but chances are, I’ll live in that house when she’s gone. I’d empty every last bit of of it so it really doesn’t matter to me, I’ll need a skip if that happens.

Of course I realise the house could go on care home fees, I’m not counting on it.

Would a dose of reality be helpful for her? She talks a lot about how hard my life will be when she’s gone. It’s bizarre. But she’s hooked on it as a reason for living.

thesandwich an actual cruise would be another alternative..😂

jeez you cant put oldies on a cruise at the moment! look at the poor sods on the Diamond Princess! (sorry, dark humour).

honestly autumn your mum sounds like hard work. She is, I think, physically and mentally fit? Now is the time to distance yourself as much as you can because otherwise you are going to continue to be sucked in. You've made a really good start, you need to continue teaching her to be independent. The tougher you are now, the easier it will be in the long run. I know that's bloody hard, got that particular t-shirt etc.

I always think of a cruise ship as being the germ equivalent of using the Tube several times a day

It’s hard to tell how fit mum is. Very frail. Certainly can’t do more than walk 10 mins to the high street.

I don’t want to out myself but I was on this thread under two different names before. Mum is someone who did nothing for herself and had to learn to pay a bill from scratch, but she also doesn’t use a computer or do telephone banking.

If anyone knows my old usernames, please don’t announce them.

But if you remember that person, then mum has come a very long way, but still won’t let me do anything in a computer either,f it concerns her finances.

As long as she wants to run a Victorian style ledger, she has to do it herself.

I can do more for her from a distance, but if she won’t allow it, I can’t do anything.

I do realise that grief comes in waves and from her perspective, it’s not yet 18 months.

She is basically a decent person but when she said about the neighbour not helping enough, I heard alarm bells. He has a mother in 90s, children with a lot of demands re grandchildren IMHO, and now his wife isn’t very well. So that comment concerned me.

If she’s going to cry over paperwork that all of us do everyday, yes, I’m well out of sympathy.

(delurks) Currently executing my Mum's will - I hadn't realized how much confusion one particular clause would cause me - I think I'm going to have to ask solicitors to walk me through the Land Registry stuff as even the LR themselves won't be drawn on which forms exactly I should fill in! Her OH gets to stay in the house but once he dies/moves e.g. to care home)/gets swept off his feet by a rich Gloria Hunniford lookalike and marries, it comes to me.
I understand I'm executor for various other rellies' wills so now I'm thinking I should ask for copies or at least redacted copies so I can check stuff out in advance while they're still here...
But yes actually getting probate was a doddle, and I have been very firm on not having solicitors be executors. You can always pay them for bits and bobs as I have.
In fact I have a solicitor friend who's been very helpful - I don't want to take advantage but I might ask her what exactly I should be asking a solicitor to do, as the one I've talked to about a slightly different aspect of the will said something that I think might not be strictly necessary depending on your (my) plans...

@Myimaginarycathasfleas that is so very touching, and brings tears to my eyes. Struggling with my own parents at the moment, get so angry one minute, then filled with emotion the next. Guess all part of the process. Good to read experiences of others on here, don't feel so alone and abnormal lol. Best wishes to you

RedGrape I am sorry you're going through so much hassle. I have actually said I will not be executor for anyone's will now.

Confession - one of the reasons mum is upset is because I handed a legal matter to her. She said she could cope but I didn't do too well either. The solicitor is horrendous and I think might actually deal better with a vulnerable old lady as they have clearly taken against me.

I can only say this here - please don't flame me - but in the end, it seems fairer that mum deal with her own matters and get all the stress than for me to do it. It's her money, it's not mine. She can keep arguing it will be mine but it might all go on nursing home fees.

Plus, she is constantly saying she is bored and has nothing to do while I have to sneak out of the office to call the solicitor!

Cat I was like that - angry then emotional - but I've hit the point where I'm just angry. I shouted at Dad's photo yesterday for leaving such a mess behind!

As long as she wants to run a Victorian style ledger, she has to do it herself. Be fair! Computer and telephone banking hasn't been around that long! It wasn't till my 20s that credit cards and debit cards arrived.

Yes, keep an eye on the neighbour situation. If you find neighbour has been saying of agreeing "her daughter doesn't do anything, just leaves her" you will have to stay tough. I think it's always more difficult for children, parents feel able to ask more of them and say more to them. So people outside the situation never really understand the enormity of the parent's needs or demands.

Something I found with my father - there was no point in trying to solve all the problems, because there were always more. But if I solved one problem per visit, no matter how small (once I solved the problem of his shopping bag dragging on the floor by tying knots in the handles to shorten them) he could see progress and was happy. But then he may be a nicer person than your mum.

If what's keeping her going is how much you need her, I wouldn't burst her bubble.

sandwich For the past 60 years, I haven't been able to make Yorkshire puddings either. There's hope for you yet.

Mere It's been around 40 years!

Also, you say "be fair" - I'm not asking her to do her own banking. I'll do it. But as long as she won't let me keep records on a spreadsheet, I can't do it.

I didn't really follow what you are saying about the neighbour, sorry.

If thinking I need her is the only thing that keeps her going, then surely that's a pretence that can't be kept up? It will kill me to do that. And sooner or later it's bound to hit her that her 44 year old doesn't "need" her?