The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

[yolofish]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

RE-SULT hairbrush! I hope you have a fabulous mother free time with your dd.

I'm reading this with interest because I'm still trying to look after my DM even now she's gone. A dozen times a day I think of things that she might like, or that I could take in for her. Occasionally this makes me sad, but mostly it reveals just how much of my headspace she occupied, even more when she lived with us at home.

We're about to go on holiday and for the first time in years I don't have to make a slew of arrangements to contact us or DC in case of emergency (which happened more than once).

hairbrush WOHOOOO! Brilliant,is this the chance to see what she actually needs? Bet cousin won’t do as much as you.
cat 🌺🌺

Cat I’m sorry, that must be so hard.

I used to chat to a photo of my dad. Might that help? I mean a photo of your mum, though you are more than welcome to chat to my dad too!!

@Myimaginarycathasfleas I know exactly what you mean. When my dad was in hospital I used to cut stories out of the paper to read to him, the things that would have made him laugh. It's been seven years and I still think "Dad would love that!"

@thesandwich My cousin will wait on her hand and foot but the difference is that she will be in the house with them so it's not like she has to drop everything to go to her.

Autumn it's funny, I know she's dead but I don't believe it iyswim?

We had a difficult relationship which only really came together in her final years. In many ways I feel lucky I had the chance to fix things between us, despite all the crap that came with it. I've been avoiding looking at photos of her but I know I'll be able to in time. The end of life version of her is receding and I'm getting the real her back in my mind.

Hairbrush. Same. I keep thinking how much my DF would have loved the Internet, he was a very clever man and would have surfed to his heart's content, but it came too late for him.

Cat it’s good that the end of life version is receding. I’m also really glad you got a chance to mend the relationship

fleas like autumn says its good that the bad end is receding, and that you had the chance to make the relationship better.

For me, mum's last 5 months (and the 2 years preceding) are still where my mind is. She used to be an amazing, funny, witty woman and I recognise that, but in my mind she is still the terrible shell she became. I try really hard to remember the good times, but I dont think I'll ever get over not being able to be there for the last 3 weeks of her life (because of DH cancer diagnosis) and the fact the hospital let her die alone.

Oh yolo

Hugs to you. I remember this well because I was too tired to post but I was reading and the dates are similar aren’t they - 30th October for dad.

I think that’s why it helps to look at photos. I found some from a business trip he took when I was a kid and it’s nice to remember that whole range of life that he had.

Well, this care home is the one to be in!

www.itv.com/news/2020-02-05/dream-come-true-for-elderly-resident-amid-surprise-visit-from-friendly-penguins/

That's lovely, autumn! My DM's care home used to have animal visits. I have a lovely photo of her petting a donkey brought in by the Donkey Sanctuary, another one with reptiles where she is looking not so impressed!

yolo I understand how you feel about your DM dying alone, In my case I was minutes away from mine having nipped home for a break. The agency nurse noticed a change in her breathing but didn't think to call me and left her alone to die while she finished her drugs round.

I could have been there.

I know in reality the morphine would have prevented her knowing whether I was there or not but ffs I had been sitting by her bed for days, they knew how close I was and would be back in a shot.

Three hours after her death I received a call from a different agency nurse to tell me "the body" had been collected by the funeral directors.

Sometimes it's the anger over these things that gets you through the initial grief.

jesus fleas no wonder you were angry...

yolo and cat that must be so hard.🌺🌺
No wise words.

fleas OMG that's awful. Are you taking any action - I understand it can be pointless stress, of course.

I kind of had the opposite. I didn't know that mum had asked for us to be notified by the hospice if his breathing pattern changed. Also frankly he had death rattle for days, which was confusing. Well, they told me it wasn't death rattle, so maybe I'm an idiot.

anyhoo....I got a phone call saying "your father is taking his last breaths" and I was thinking, why on earth would you ring to tell me that.....but it was because mum had asked them to and they told me after that they elected to call me rather than her because they thought it would be better for me to break the news.

oh lucky me.

but they were very nice, the hospice folk. I don't donate to big charities but the local hospice, yes.

I'm not taking any action, autumn, though I did suggest as a "learning point" that they give training to agency staff on how to speak to relatives in these situations. I did not appreciate being told to "keep calm, my dear" when in fact I was calmness itself.

This is another thing. I haven't heard a word from the home since the day we cleared her room. After four years, it's as though she was never there. A small gesture like a condolence card, or at least a thank you for the flowers from the funeral which we sent to them, and the cash gift we left especially for the carers would have gone a long way.

cat I don’t know what a norm would be but dads GP surgery sent a card.

Meanwhile, what’s everyone’s view on solicitors? Ours has been so slow and lacking in standards - I mean errors in paperwork that meant mum had to go in again to sign paperwork- I’m seriously thinking I’d like to complain against them when everything is settled but then it’s hardly worth the stress.

Too much has gone on by phone as well, which is difficult because mum doesn’t use email.

We actually had someone say casually “oh yes, I might have forgotten to send the probate documents to that bank”. One error I could forgive but they’ve got a few other things wrong.

I know a couple of people who dealt with probate themselves because they said solicitors would just charge for being inefficient and I’m beginning to see why they said that.

fleas we are waiting for a 'letter' from the hospital following our complaints about mum's care. I have to say though that I dont think anyone was as callous as that, that's awful. Ditto the home. Manners dont cost much do they? And surely they must have known her after 4 years... I'm so sorry.

autumn do NOT start me on solicitors! DB and I used to call mum's a weaselly little prick - totally fair btw. Slow, mistakes (losing the stuff that got sent to Inland Rev because they didnt choose to make it trackable was a doozy), arrogant. You name it, they did it.

We let them do the probate, and then when it finally came through, I asked how/when they would distribute the money (various bequests). THEN I got told that would be an extra £500 thanks very much.

I did that bit, took about 30 minutes.

The estate agents oth, who handled the sale of her house, could not have been faulted (rare praise for the profession!)

yolo funny isn’t it, the estate agents, solicitor - well everyone involved - with buying my flat - were super efficient. Dad commented at the time because he said he’d never heard of a move going so smoothly.

And then I arrived here and the previous owner had left a card, a beautiful new orchid plant, and list of local contacts that might be handy. I am going to do that when I move.

Did you consider asking for any money back from your solicitor? I don’t want to put mum through stress but if it means we have a chance of getting some money back, it might be worth it.

autumn I think we'd kind of given up by then, it all just took so long.

When mum's buyers moved in I left them a card, an orchid and a bottle of fizz - and the place was spotless. It's so nice to feel that you are welcomed, and hers are really lovely people. Nice that you had the same

yolo aww, you did that too! Here was spotless as well, you could have eaten your dinner off the floor.

It is actually one of my memories of dad now - he did a huge chunk of the packing in my rented flat and when I unpacked here, I realised he’d wrapped the fragile stuff so much you could have chucked it out of the window and it wouldn’t break 😂

Mum started the unpacking here and dad and I went to get fish and chips. It was the first time he saw the flat and he really liked it.

I think that was a moment of moral support that I didn’t really consider. Of course I could have moved alone but as I get older I realise more and more that some people don’t have olds who would even think to offer help.

I should definitely whine less 🤔

no you're not whining autumn you're in a tough situation. That's lovely about the memories, one of those things that stick with you - love the excessive wrapping, my dad would and did the same! My dad always used to fix everything with araldite, which was effective but not attractive. Even now when something breaks DH and I go "shall we get the araldite"?!

ooh yolo I just googled that

I need some heat resistant glue for something on the balcony, I might try that!!

re the solicitors, I wonder how many solicitors get away with a really bad service because people just can't face the complaints procedure, particularly for probate.

Lovely to have good memories, rose and yolo . My df died over 30 years ago but cherish memories of watching him do diy stuff so carefully- my dh is similar and it is a nice reminder as is the smell of new wood, and toolbox.
I complained about our solicitor over conveyancing and got a much reduced bill- worth thinking about autumn if it would stand the emotional cost/ benefit test...... would it make you feel better?

I went on a pre-retirement course where Will making was discussed. The trainer said on no account appoint solicitors to be your executors, they charge a fortune for it.

I realised that's exactly what we had done, so we added a codicil to our Wills making our DD executor instead. She won't thank us when the time comes but at least she may end up with some inheritance!

sandwich yes, it would

I genuinely think there’s an element of taking advantage of the bereaved/elderly

But mum would have to agree, I suspect when it’s all over she’ll want to forget it.

I actually helped a friend complain about a solicitor and she got a refund, but the errors were much clearer.

Dad was even worse at DIY than I am 😂 I’ve had to get mum’s nice neighbour in for a couple of things.

I’ve mentioned him before - he looks after everyone but his wife isn’t well at the moment so that might be the last straw. We - including mum - have offered to help however we can but mum is limited in what she can do and I’m only there two days a week. They seem very touched by mum offering to shop and cook though.

It’s nice to have community. Dad wasn’t a big fan, but I like it. I’m a very private person but I just tell people that and it seems to work out okay....so far...!