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Elderly parents
Original poster

The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

991 replies

yolofish · 09/01/2020 11:50

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

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AutumnRose1 · 02/02/2020 15:51

Mere I've never been someone who has any sympathy for learned helplessness.

However, I think there's a particular resentment here because both dad and I really tried to get mum to grow up. One of the only reasons she learned to use a cash machine was because I was in a serious accident and dad pointed out that if he wasn't here and she needed to get to me quickly and didn't have money, what would she do etc. That was about 6 years ago.

both my parents have been hospitalised many times and dad could keep the house running smoothly but when he was in the hospital, he was asking me, in a worried way, if bills had been paid etc. It was wrong of her, she knows it now, but that's why I am in no way praising her for learning.

If you asked her how she'd support me she'd say "I'd do anything for my daughter! I will always look after her!" and she'd say the same for my dad. So, time for deeds not words.

Original poster
yolofish · 02/02/2020 16:36

autumn in the nicest possible way I think you might need to try and get out of that mindset and praise her for what she can/does do? Lets face it, it will make life easier for you if she starts to look after herself.

I'm a great believer in 'catching more flies with honey' in this scenario. But I know its hard, and oldies are annoying!

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MereDintofPandiculation · 02/02/2020 18:18

Mere I've never been someone who has any sympathy for learned helplessness. Really? I would never have guessed Grin

I think yolo's right. Don't do it for her, do it for you.

thesandwich · 02/02/2020 19:34

autumn thanks for asking- I’m ok, dealing with some health niggles but generally ok. Dm more mobile but complaining more..... I have reduced number of visits to every two- three days. And leave her to sort things- complaining about the gardener, I did find an alternative, but then her cleaner has recommended one- so I’m leaving her to it....
Fortunate to have some wonderful friends- and support here! 🌺🌺 all!

AutumnRose1 · 02/02/2020 21:15

sandwich hope the health niggles get sorted. Glad things are better Flowers

SinisterBumFacedCat · 02/02/2020 23:20

It basically exploded in the house tonight. She shouted and swore and stamped her feet, accused us of only helping her to get her money, I shouted back, so did DS. Basically have decided to take a step back as much as we can and leave it to her. I can’t be fucked anymore. She has never trusted me and I’m fed up of trying to prove myself worthy to her. If she fails at it all she fails. I have my own family to concentrate on now.

AutumnRose1 · 02/02/2020 23:59

Sinister shit. I’m so sorry. I’d leave her to it as well. Appalling. Sorry, I sound like I’m hoiking my bosom indignantly - but I am!
Flowers

SinisterBumFacedCat · 03/02/2020 00:12

Thanks Autumn. I’m going to pull back and leave her to deal with it all. It will probably go tits up because she just refuses to deal with things she doesn’t like or understand, like my stepdads funeral for example which she left to me entirely. I just need her to go ASAP. She wanted to leave tonight but her brother said there wasn’t the space. I hope we can get her into her own home. Things will get forgotten and create debts, like with my dad no doubt, but fuck it. I really need to look after my DH, DS and my DSS now.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 03/02/2020 00:14

I don’t have much of a bosom to hook but I’ll work with what I’ve got. Smile

AutumnRose1 · 03/02/2020 00:24

“ I hope we can get her into her own home. ”

Hope so, ASAP.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/02/2020 09:35

Sinister Probably all for the good. Once you can get that emotional detachment, things improve. I'm struck by you saying "’I'm fed up of trying to prove myself worthy to her." Once you've got away from the emotional pressure of trying to get her approval, and are simply looking at her wellbeing, in same way as you might clean out the cage of your daughter's pet rat, it is easier.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 03/02/2020 10:17

Sinister that's horrible and you have my sympathies. Getting weird about money goes with the territory I'm afraid. My DM made the same comments sometimes and she had always been the most generous person alive.

I think it comes out of their sense of powerlessness, they are very frightened of being at someone's mercy.

You'd be much better in separate homes if you can manage it.

💐

Original poster
yolofish · 03/02/2020 14:10

sinister do you have a timeframe for her moving back into her house? can you (she) chuck some money at it and speed things up?

If it's just at the laying carpets/final bits of tweaking stage then I'd make her move back asap and live with a bit of inconvenience tbh. My mum stayed with us for about 2 weeks while the house she bought round the corner was being finished. She moved in with a bed and a deckchair!!

In other news: BT have now refunded £12.11 of the £40.45 they said mum owed them. I've had a cheque today - payable to Mrs xxxx who has been dead since Nov 1 2018! I will have to get on the phone again... but honestly, really, how difficult should it be? I did that 'tell all' thing, which has no affect on junk mail. Lovely couple who bought her house chuck the junk but take the time to check that there's nothing important in there.

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thesandwich · 03/02/2020 16:43

sinister that sounds so tough- agree with everyone, step back, get her out and let her get on with it.🌺
yolo that’s so rubbish about BT!
mere I LOVE your metaphor about cleaning daughters pet rat cage..... I held onto that thought whilst spending most of the day with dm...... thank you! Made dealing with milk money/ newspapers etc sooo much easier.... 🌺🌺🌺

AutumnRose1 · 04/02/2020 19:06

yolo I’m so sorry you’re having this experience.

With the junk mail, I registered with these people

www.thebereavementregister.org.uk/

It definitely helped.

sandwich glad that cage thing helped you. Obvs it doesn’t apply to me but I’ll think of something.

Original poster
yolofish · 04/02/2020 19:12

autumn no worries, it honestly doesnt upset me it's just so ridiculous! I thought I'd done all the right stuff with the tell all service (or whatever its called) but BT stupidity is laughable!

How are you doing?

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AutumnRose1 · 04/02/2020 19:22

yolo maybe I’m weird but I found it upsetting, something like BT would have me in tears Blush

The Tell Us Once is only for government depts though.

I’m okay. I spent today with mum, it seemed to cheer her up but I don’t know how long that lasts. I’m learning to separate myself I think.

Original poster
yolofish · 04/02/2020 19:26

that's ok babe, different things affect us differently. for me BT just seems ridiculous! Am determined to chase down my £12.11 just to make them understand how silly they are.

you, autumn need to look after yourself (says me with the stern pants on). your mum was cheered up, but how do YOU feel? x

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AutumnRose1 · 04/02/2020 21:22

yolo I feel less ragey which is definitely good! Thank you for asking xx

thesandwich · 04/02/2020 21:34

Glad you are feeling less rageyrose
You are not responsible for your mothers happiness, only your own

Original poster
yolofish · 04/02/2020 22:12

It's quite hard to understand not being responsible for someone else's happiness though, perhaps because as women (I think we all are on this thread? - forgive me if not) we are socially conditioned to think that way...

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thesandwich · 04/02/2020 22:16

I know, yolo - and have to repeat it to myself as I walk to mums and plaster on the Teflon....... I do things like take flowers etc but am trying not to take on board responsibility for her happiness. I can make her life more pleasant and do.... but I’m not in control of her happiness.

Original poster
yolofish · 04/02/2020 22:35

TBH sandwich I'm not sure I ever really learnt how to do it. It used to drain me, visiting her daily (due to geography it was easy to do, physically if not mentally). I suppose because she lived within walking distance the walk gave me the mental space to go from home to hers and back again - but I did use to come back and rant at DH and whichever child was here. They were very good and listened, and the DDs would come too if they were able. But I still always felt bad that she wasn't happy and I couldnt make her so - even if she did ignore every suggestion I could make.

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AutumnRose1 · 04/02/2020 23:46

I never think of it as social conditioning

I think I pretty much missed all those memos!

But with mum, and an elderly neighbour I used to help out, I see the same thing. Something in them really brightens up.

Mum and I do have a very strong bond, dad actually told us he felt left out sometimes and we had to remedy that. Blush

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 05/02/2020 09:06

I have somehow wangled myself a mother free weekend! My youngest has an offer holder day in Scotland and she said that all she wants for her 18th is to go to Scotland with me. Just the two of us. Mum is stropping because she loves Scotland and why can't we take her and she would pay for herself of course. Fortunately it says on the website that only one parent/guardian can be accommodate so we had to say no.

She is going to stay with my cousin although "she is only doing it to keep me quiet and she doesn't need anyone at all." Which makes me wonder why she calls me to help her dress/get to the toilet/open a bottle of lemonade/etc!